The naughtier side of

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(XXX#185) Directional problem
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead.
"So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks doctor Myers.
"We were making love," replies Estelle.
"Yes, go on Estelle," says doctor Myers.
"Well," continues Estelle, "my Nathan was Ďon top,í if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!"

(XXX#186) Cheap surgery
Morris and his best friend Emeka have just finished a hectic game of squash and are showering in the clubís changing room. Morris looks over at Emeka and canít help noticing how well endowed his friend is.
"Oy veh, Emekah," says Morris admiringly, "you lucky so and so! What a monster! Thatís no shmekeleh you have there. Is it true that all black men are born that way?"
"No, youíre wrong there," replies Emeka, "in my case, I had to work hard at growing its size."
"What do you mean by that?" asks Morris.
"Well," replies Emeka, "when I was younger, my mother told me to tie a brick to the end my penis with a piece of string. She told me to walk around for 30mins each night to get the benefits of the pulling effect. I did this for 3 months and well, Ö you can now see the results."
Morris canít wait to tell his wife. As soon as he gets back home, he shouts out "Sadie, Iíve decided to take one month off work. Please cancel all our forthcoming engagements. Cancel our bridge nights. Iíve decided to go get a bigger shmekeleh."
For the next month, Morris stays at home and walks around all day in his dressing gown. Under the dressing gown is a large brick tied to his shmekeleh with strong string. After a month of this, Sadie says to Morris, "OK, Morris, letís see how itís doing."
Morris undoes his dressing gown and they both look. After a few seconds, Morris says, "See, Sadie, what did I tell you? The plan is working. Iím halfway there Ė itís already gone black."

shmekeleh: little penis

(XXX#187) The real problem
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Lionel and his wife Rachel are on the brink of divorce but first of all decide to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor first of all turns to Rachel and asks, "So what do you regard as the main problem in your marriage, Rachel?"
"My Lionel suffers from premature ejaculation, thatís what the problem is," replies Rachel.
The counsellor turns to Lionel and says, "Is that true? Do you suffer from premature ejaculation?"
"Well," replies Lionel, "not exactly. Itís Rachel that suffers, not me."

(XXX#188) The cure
Sharon meets her best friend Naomi.  "So howís life, Naomi?"
"Life is both bad and good," replies Naomi.
"Thatís a strange answer, Naomi," says Sharon, "so tell me whatís bad about it."
"Well, itís bad," replies Naomi, "because Iíve suddenly started to sneeze a lot."
"And whatís good about that?" asks Sharon.
"Well," replies Naomi, "every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"Oy," says Sharon, "so what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," replies Naomi.

(XXX#189) Hair today, gone tomorrow
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
Becky loves her dog very much, so when one day she thinks it isnít hearing her properly, she gets worried and immediately takes it to the vet.
The vet examines the dog, then says to Becky, "Thereís nothing seriously wrong with your dog. It had a lot of hair in its ears, which Iíve now removed. To avoid this happening again, may I suggest you go to your chemist and purchase a tube of depilatory hair removing cream. You can rub a small amount of it into the dogís ears every month.
Becky thanks the vet and decides to drive straight away to her chemist to buy the cream.
When she gets there, she goes up to the pharmacist and says, "Can I have a tube of depilatory cream please?"
"Of course, madam," replies the pharmacist. "We have a very quick and effective one but it has two very minor drawbacks."
"Oh, and what are they?" asks Becky.
"If you use it under your arms," replies the pharmacist, "theyíll be sore for a day afterwards."
"Donít worry about that," says Becky, "I'm not going to use it under my arms."
"Good," says the pharmacist, "and if you use it on your legs, theyíll be pink looking for a day afterwards."
"And donít worry about that, either," says Becky, "I'm not going to use it on my legs either."
"So what do you want to use the cream for?" asks the pharmacist.
"If you must know," replies Becky, "I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."
"In that case," says the pharmacist, smiling, "I wouldnít go cycling for at least 3 days after you use it."

(XXX#190) The miracle worker
[My thanks to Andres for the following]
Moshe leaves Russia and arrives in South America. He immediately starts looking for a job but it isnít easy. After three days of searching, he still hasnít found anything and his family is near to starvation. Then, by chance, he comes across Issy, another Russian Jew. After hearing of Mosheís problem, Issy says, "The Amazon Mousetrap Factory has a vacancy which you might like to consider. But I must warn you that the job is so hard that nobody yet has stayed for more than 4 hours."
"Donít worry Issy, it's just what I need - a job that nobody else can do."
So straight away Moshe goes to the factory and meets the boss. "Iím told that you have a job nobody can do, is that right?"
"Yes," says the boss.
"Well in that case," says Moshe, "I'm your man. Iíll do it no matter how difficult."
"OK," says the boss, "come with me and I'll show you what the job is all about."
They walk over to a corner of the factory where there is a strange machine that looks like a Picasso painting, with wheels and pulleys, cranks and levers, sticks and pumps, buttons and switches.
"Do you think you can learn to work this machine?" the boss asks.
"Sure," replies Moshe, "Iím used to working this kind of machinery."
"But many men have tried but failed," says the boss.
"Maybe," says Moshe, "but Iím different. I'll stick to the job no matter what."
"OK," says the boss, "youíve got the job."
The boss then began to explain to Moshe how to work the machine. "You sit on this high stool and turn this wheel with your left hand every time a piece of wood drops into this hole. That's what will become the mousetrap.  Then with your right hand you pull this lever and immediately press these two buttons. OK so far?"
"Sure, boss, it's easy as pie, don't worry."
"But that's just the start, Moshe," said the boss somewhat bemused, "the mousetrap won't get made unless you also press this pedal here with your left foot and keep turning this wheel up and down with your right foot.  This can get a bit complicated and tiring - and I havenít even finished the instructions Are you sure you still want the job?"
"Yes, Iím sure," replies Moshe, "so far it's no problem. Iím sure I'll be able to make more mousetraps per hour than you thought possible,"
"OK," continues the boss, "we now come to the hardest part of the job. Do you see the pump level with your head? Every time you complete the hand and feet movements, you push the pump against the wall with your head. Understand?"
"That's nothing," says Moshe, "pushing the pump against the wall will be easy. Iím a good footballer and I score most of my goals with my head. This job will be easier than putting the ball in the net."
Moshe was told to start straight away.
At the end of the third day, the boss couldn't believe his eyes. He found Moshe still at it, happily pumping and turning and shoving with a well-synchronized style, as if he was a living part of the machine. He was even singing while he was working. When Moshe saw the boss, he shouted for him to come over as he had a request to make. The boss came over to Moshe and without interrupting his complicated sequence of activities, Moshe said, "I hope you donít mind me asking, boss, but if you could afford to pay me a further fifty cents per hour, Iíll do some extra work for you. I'll shove a broom up my toches and sweep the floor."

(XXX#191) The measurements
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Sheldon and Sarah are in the garden one morning tidying up after their previous dayís barbecue when Sheldon asks, "Do you know what I noticed yesterday, Sarah?"
"No dear," Sarah replies, "so tell me already, what did you notice?"
"As you were standing near the barbecue, I noticed that your toches is getting quite big. In fact itís so big that I think itís already the same size as the barbecue."
"Donít be so silly, dear," Sarah replies, "thatís ridiculous."
"OK," says Sheldon, smiling, "I think weíre going to have to do some serious measuring."
With that he goes inside and gets a tape measure. First he measures the grill then he walks over to Sarah and measures her toches.
"So what do your stupid measurements tell you?" asks Sarah.
"They tell me I was right," Sheldon replies. "Your toches is now officially 3cm wider than our barbecue grill. Mazeltov."
Sarah totally ignores Sheldon and carries on with her work.
That night, soon after they get into bed, Sheldon whispers into Sarahís ear, "You look so, so sexy tonight, darling."
Sarah says nothing.
"And youíre also looking very beautiful tonight," whispers Sheldon.
Sarah continues to ignore him.
"So how about some L-O-V-E?" whispers Sheldon, excitedly.
But Sarah replies, very coldly, "No, I donít feel like it. Just go to sleep will you."
"What's wrong, darling?" asks Sheldon.
"You donít really think that Iím going to fire up this large toches grill of mine just for one little weenie?" replies Sarah.

weenie: frankfurter. Also slang for shlong (penis)

(XXX#192) The body builder
Bernie was always a puny youngster and girls often made fun of his physique. So when he reached 16, he decided to take up a rare Jewish sport Ė professional body building!
Heís now 21 and has a great body which heís always showing off. Tonight, heís on a first date with Helen and itís going so well that she agrees to go back to his apartment.
As he takes off his shirt, she looks at him admiringly and says, "Oy, Bernie, what a superb chest!"
"That's 100lbs of dynamite youíre looking at Helen," replies Bernie, proudly.
As he takes off his trousers, she looks at him even more admiringly and says, "Oy vay, Bernie, what strong legs you have. And what massive calves!"
"Itís what I told you, Helen," replies Bernie, "Iím just 100lbs of dynamite."
As Bernie takes off his pants, Helen takes one look at him and starts to get ready to leave.
"Whatís the matter, Helen?" he asks, "Why are you leaving so suddenly? Have I said something wrong?"
"No, Bernie, youíve not said anything wrong," replies Helen. "Itís just that now Iíve seen your short fuse, Iím afraid to be near you with all this dynamite lying around."

(XXX#193) The body lift
50 year old David wants a face lift but the ďOY VAY CLINICĒ he goes to persuades him to have a complete body lift. They start at his ankles, pushing the flesh up as they go - over the knees, thighs, hips, chest, neck, face, and then they push the surplus over his head, tie it in a knot, and cut it off. David looks great. His skin is as tight as it was when he was a young man.
When he gets back home, he invites his friends round to see the results.
Yossi asks, "How long have you had that dimple on your chin, David?"
Then Roberto looks closer and says, "Thatís not a dimple, Yossi, thatís his navel."
And then Yossi says, "Never mind his navel, look at the tie heís wearing!"

(XXX#194) The sleeper
75 year old Monty has been out celebrating his friendís 80th birthday. Although Monty is not usually a drinker, he comes home quite late and quite drunk. Somehow he manages to get undressed, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife Sarah and quickly falls into a deep sleep.
Sometime later he awakes and there before him is the Pearly Gates. An angel walks over to him and says, "Iím sorry to have to tell you this, Monty, but you died last night in your sleep."
"I'm dead?" says Monty, stunned. "It can't be. I've got too much to live for. Please send me back."
"I'm sorry, Monty," says the angel, "but there's only one way you can go back."
"And what way is that?" asks Monty.
"As a chicken," replies the angel.
Monty is devastated, but begs the angel to at least send him back to a farm near his house. The next thing he knows, heís covered in feathers, clucking loudly, and pecking at the ground. Then a rooster struts over and says, "So you're the new hen? How are you getting on?"
"Not too bad," replies Monty the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside my stomach. It feels like I'm going to explode."
"Donít worry," says the rooster, "youíre only feeling like that because you're ovulating. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never, ever," replies Monty.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster.
Monty does as he is told and after a few uncomfortable seconds, out pops an egg. Monty is immediately overcome with emotion as he experiences motherhood for the first time. He soon lays another egg and his joy is overwhelming. As he is about to lay his third egg, Monty feels a smack on the back of his head. Then he hears his wife Sarah shouting at him, "Monty, wake up, wake up, you're pooping in the bed again!"

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