go to the one hundreth set of Jewish jokes

This is the ninetyninth set of Jewish jokes

How right Stan Cohen (Stan The Man) is when he says, “A laugh is the shortest distance between two people.”

(#1870) Why is this night different?
It’s the first night of Passover and Morris and Sadie, together with their two sons, 4 year old Simon and 7 year old Isaac, are holding their annual seder night service. Soon it was time for ma nishtana to be read by the youngest one present. As soon as Simon asks, "why is this night different from all other nights," quick as a flash, his older brother Isaac replies, "because mummy cooked."

Passover: Jewish festival commemorating liberation of Jews from their bondage in Egypt
seder: the traditional evening home service and meal during Passover
Ma Nishtana: (why is it different?) the four questions asked during the Passover seder traditionally by the youngest child at the table who is able.

(#1871) Small is beautiful
[My thanks to Uriah Y for the following]
Rabbi Goldman, rabbi of a synagogue in Birchington, is one of the few rabbis who have not yet found a wife. Nevertheless, his small community like him a lot and hope that one day he’ll find his soul mate. But after many years of no change, the community gets fed up having a bachelor rabbi who can’t answer questions on subjects like, ‘marriage’ or ‘children’ or ‘keeping a family home’, and so they decide to find a bride for him.
They place an advert in the Jewish Chronicle and are pleased when they receive a reply from a Jewish girl living in Fordwich. Her CV and photograph seem to show that she is not only religious, but also beautiful and intelligent. And they are doubly pleased because Fordwich is not too far away from Birchington, both being in the county of Kent.
To be on the safe side they decide it’s important to check out the girl.  First of all, they write to the Kent Jewish community, but their reply doesn’t really help them. So they come to the conclusion that they will have to send someone to Fordwich to check out the girl’s credentials first hand – and they send Moshe.
Moshe drives to Fordwich the very next day and spends a few days quietly and confidentially checking out their potential rebbitsin. He then returns to Birchington to tell his council what he has discovered.
"Nu, Moshe, what have you found out for us? What is this girl really like?" asks the chairman.
"Well I spoke with many of her family and a number of her friends, both male and female," replies Moshe, “and then I spoke with the girl herself. Everyone was very open and honest with me."
"Enough already with this idle chat, Moshe," says the chairman, "what we want to know is, will she or won’t she make a good shiddach for our rabbi?"
"OK," replies Moshe, "I’ll come straight to the point. There is a minor problem. The girl is definitely clever, she’s definitely beautiful, she’s definitely religious, and she’s definitely slept with half of Fordwich."
"Oy vay iz meer," reply the council in unison, slapping their foreheads with the palm of their hands.
"But there’s no need to worry too much," continues Moshe, "Fordwich is only a very small town."

shiddach: match, marriage, betrothal; arranged marriage
rebbitsin: Rabbi’s wife
oy vay iz meer: oh, woe is me

(#1872) Why so happy and so long?
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Betty and Hyman are celebrating their goldeneh khasseneh at home with their family and friends. During the afternoon, Isaac, one of their friends, goes over to them and says, "Mazeltov! You two look so happy together. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how have you both managed to stay so happy and so loving for so long?"
Hyman replies first, "Well, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve tried very hard in all this time never to be selfish. After all, as my dear mother used to say, there’s no ‘i’ in the word 'marriage’."
Then Betty has her say. "Well," she says, smiling, "I look upon it differently. As far as I’m concerned, I have never tried to correct Hyman’s spelling."

goldeneh khasseneh: 50th wedding anniversary

(#1873) Do I want kosher food?
After his business went mechuleh, followed quickly by his wife divorcing him, and then losing his house to her in a messy divorce case, Arnold finally has his mental breakdown. It’s a serious one and he has to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for the insane. As soon as he arrives, he insists not only on kosher food, but also on eating it in the canteen together with all the other patients. After a lot of negotiating (he’s the only Jewish patient), and with much help from Rabbi Landau, the hospital finally agrees to pay for kosher food to be served to Arnold in their canteen.
Some weeks later, Rabbi Landau decides to visit Arnold to see how he’s getting on. As it’s lunch time, Rabbi Landau goes straight to the canteen. He looks around for Arnold and is shocked when he sees him at a corner table with some other patients. Arnold has a smile on his face and has in front of him a large plate of bacon, sausage and eggs which he’s eating with gusto. "So, Arnold," says Rabbi Landau, "is this how you repay us? I’m very surprised at what I’m seeing. I thought you said you had to eat kosher? We went to a lot of trouble and expense arranging kosher food for you, yet here you are obviously enjoying a non-kosher meal."
"You shouldn’t be surprised, rabbi," replies Arnold. "Surely you remember that I’m meshugga!"

mechuleh: gone bust, finished unsuccessfully, ended unhappily, destroyed
meshugga: crazy, mad

(#1874) The Credit Crunch
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
The financial situation is so bad at present that Jewish women are marrying for love.

(#1875) Riddle
[My thanks to Elliot-NYC from for the following]
Q: Why is the traffic in north London area Golders Green so heavy every Friday afternoon?
A: Because every Friday afternoon is the start of the Jewish holiday, "Rosha Homa."

(#1876) Parting is such sweet sorrow
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Benjy and Issy have just left shul and are walking home together. They talk about many things before their conversation moves onto their wives. Benjy asks, "So Issy, do you have a nice wife? What’s she like?"
"Estelle’s OK I suppose," replies Issy.
"That’s not a very positive answer, Issy," says Benjy. "Let me put it another way. I bet you have to think twice before you leave Estelle alone at night."
"You’re so right on that one," replies Issy. "First of all, I have to think of a good excuse to leave the house. And when I find one, I then have to think of a good reason why she can’t go out with me."

(#1877) Riddle
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Q: When a mohel retires, some congregations plant a grove of trees in his honour. What trees do they choose to plant?
A: Eucalyptus (‘you clipped us’).

(#1878) But that’s what you said to me
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Kitty loves Cindy, her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, very much. Either she’s got Cindy on her lap or else she’s carrying Cindy around the house in her arms. And she talks to the dog incessantly, just as if Cindy were human - and much of what she says is in Yiddish, even. But the downside of all this care and attention is that Cindy just hates it when Kitty goes out without her. As soon as Kitty puts on her coat, Cindy barks a lot and looks like she wants to cry.
Today, the plumber Kitty booked some time ago to change a few radiator valves arrives. He’s a nice middle-aged gentleman and he informs Kitty that he needs about 90 minutes to change the valves. He then starts work in the front room.
As Kitty has a bit of shopping to do, she puts on her coat and walks to the front door. She then turns around and there, as expected, is Cindy sitting on the stairs barking, with a sad, sad look on her face.
Kitty shouts over to Cindy, "It’s all right, my little haymisheh, I’m just going to the butchers and I won’t be long. But if you’re not good while I’m away, bubbeleh, I’ll give you such a shtup when I get back. So please be good.  Ich hob deer leib."
And then, from the front room, a voice answers, "Thank you, I love you too. And of course I’ll be good until you return. I’m too old for a shtup."

haymisheh: a warm and welcoming person that you’re comfortable with
bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, pet or honey)
shtup: a strong punch or blow. Also vulgar Yiddish term for having sex
ich hob deer leib:  I love you

(#1879) How it is; and how we got there
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.  But Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthy yogurt so that Woman might keep the figure that Man found attractive. But Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." But Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.  And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." But Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." But Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. But Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"  And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs  …………………

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