go to ninetysixth set of Jewish jokes
This is the ninetyfifth set of Jewish jokes
(#1830) Baby’s first check up
[My thanks to Suzy R for
the following]
Doctor Kosiner has just joined a new doctors’
practice and today is his first session on duty. The first patient to enter
his office is a woman holding a baby. "How can I help you?" he says to
the woman.
"Today, doctor, is the date booked for
baby Sam’s first check-up," she replies.
"OK," says doctor Kosiner, "Let’s take
a good look at him."
He then examines baby Sam from top to
bottom and finishes his examination by weighing the baby. He hands back
baby Sam with a worried look on his face and says, "Is the baby bottle
fed or breast fed?"
"He’s breast fed, doctor," she replies.
"OK then," he says to her, "could you
please strip down to the waist. I need to check something out."
She does as she’s told. Doctor Kosiner
then looks at her right nipple, pinches it and gently rubs it. He then
looks at her left nipple, pinches it and rubs it gently. He then rubs both
breasts for a while in a very professional way. When he finishes examining
her, doctor Kosiner says, "Baby Sam is underweight and I’ve found out why.
You don’t have any breast milk."
"That doesn’t surprise me at all," she
says.
"Why do you say that?" asks doctor Kosiner,
looking a bit puzzled.
"Because I’m baby Sam’s bubbeh,
that’s why," she replies. "But don’t worry, doctor, I’m very glad I came
because mine Arnold doesn’t do such nice things to me these days."
(#1831) Why aren’t you married already?
Issy arrives home from work one evening
and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his
wife Rebecca, "Nu? So where’s Sharon?"
"She’s in her bedroom," replies Rebecca,
abruptly. "We had another argument."
Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can
sort things out. "What’s the matter, Sharon?" he asks.
"It’s mummy, dad," replies Sharon. "She
keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is kvetch
and krechtz. It’s driving me crazy. I just won’t rush into marriage
until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad."
"I’ll do my best," replies Issy. "I’ll
mention our little conversation to mummy as soon as the right moment comes
along."
"Thanks dad," says Sharon.
That night, when they’re in bed, Rebecca
says to Issy, "So what did our alteh moid daughter have to say to
you earlier?"
"She said you’re always on her back about
her not being married," Issy replies. "I think you should leave her alone.
She’s still only 21 and she’s waiting until the right man comes along."
"Why should she have to wait for the right
man?" says Rebecca. "I didn’t when I got married."
kvetch and krechtz: complaining
and moaning all the time
alteh moid: spinster
(#1832) What are best friends for?
Victor, an up-and-coming accountant, is
called into his manager’s office. "Victor," says his manager, "we’re having
some problems in our New York office and you’ll be pleased to hear that
we think you’re the best man to sort them out. We want you to drop everything
you’re doing and be in New York in the next few days."
When he gets back to his desk, Victor
phones his best friend. "Daniel," he says, "they’re sending me to New York
for a week and I don’t think Judith is going to like it. We’ve been married
now for nearly eight years and in all that time we’ve never been apart
for more than a few hours. She hasn’t even got children to keep her company.
So I’m hoping you can do me a favour."
"Of course," replies Daniel. "What would
you like me to do?"
"It’s quite easy," says Victor. "I’m going
to give you £200. Please use it to take out Judith as often as you
can. She knows you’re my friend and she’ll be pleased to have some company
whilst I’m away."
"Of course, no problem," says Daniel.
As soon as Victor returns from his week
in New York, he immediately phones Daniel. "So Daniel, how did it go? Did
you manage to persuade Judith to go out with you?"
There was a brief silence before Daniel
replies. "Look Victor, I must be honest with you. But you won’t like what
I’m going to say."
"So tell me already," says Victor.
"Well, it was like this," replies Daniel.
"I went round to your house on the first night you were away. I told Judith
that you had asked me to take her out and that you had also given us £200
to spend. She was a bit embarrassed at first but she soon agreed. So I
took her to see the show, ‘The Sound of Music,’ followed afterwards by
a bite to eat. I then drove her home, said goodnight, and was just about
to go to my car when she invited me in for a drink. She showed me around
your house and we ended up in the bedroom where we sat at the end of the
bed talking about our lives. One thing seemed to lead to another and soon,
without even thinking about it, we both got undressed and made love. But
the one consoling thing is that we immediately realised that what we had
done was wrong and how hurt you would be when you learned what had happened
between your wife and your best friend. And Oy Victor, how we then
cried. We literally cried our eyes out. And Victor, I’m pleased to tell
you that it was like that for the rest of the week - sex and crying, sex
and crying, sex and crying."
(#1833) The Ostrich
Moshe walks into Minky’s Restaurant with
a full-grown ostrich behind him. When the waitress asks him for his order,
Moshe says, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please." She then turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
Five minutes later the waitress returns
with the order. "That will be £19.46 please," she says. Moshe reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, Moshe and the ostrich return.
Moshe orders, "Salt Beef and latkes plus a coke please."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again Moshe reaches into his pocket and
pays with the exact change.
This becomes routine for six consecutive
days until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Thursday night, so I’ll have
a sirloin steak, baked potato and a salad," says Moshe.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Soon after, the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be £26.62."
Once again Moshe pulls the exact change
from his pocket and puts it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity
any longer. "How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?" she asks.
"Well," says Moshe, "several years ago,
I was cleaning out my loft and found an old lamp in the corner. When I
rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my
pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a million pounds or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right," says Moshe. "Whether it's
a pint of milk or a Lexus, the exact money is always there."
The waitress then asks, "So what's with
the ostrich, then?"
Moshe sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall bird with a big toches and long legs who agrees
with everything I say."
(#1834) The patient’s revenge
For the last three months, Hymie has been
going through one medical problem after another and has spent most of this
period in bed. First he had a minor heart attack, then he developed pneumonia,
and then he fell badly and slipped a disc in his back. Now, at last, he
seems to be getting over his troubles and today he’s going to see doctor
Myers, his specialist, for a check-up. But he’s definitely not looking
forward to this because doctor Myers has regularly given him negative prognoses.
45 minutes later, after giving Hymie a
thorough going over, doctor Myers says, "Well, Hymie, you’ll be pleased
to learn that I’m very satisfied with your progress."
Hymie can’t believe the optimism doctor
Myers is now showing after all the previous doom and gloom. "Well, thank
goodness for that," says Hymie, "it’s about time I heard some good news
from you."
"Your heart rhythm is strong," says doctor
Myers, "your lungs are clear, you’ve got a nice skin colour and you’re
looking very healthy indeed. You’ve still got a slipped disk, however,
but I’m not really worried about it."
"Listen doctor," says Hymie, "if you had
a slipped disk, believe me, I wouldn’t be worried about it either."
(#1835) He’s got it coming
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Miriam decides to seek the help of a psychic
counsellor. She looks through the yellow pages and selects MISS BASHAYRT,
primarily because her advert seems to indicate that she has had a lot of
success in Tarot Reading. Miriam makes an appointment to see her.
Later that week, she’s with the psychic
in a dark and gloomy room with just a flickering candle to provide some
light. For the last ten minutes Miss Bashayrt has been silently gazing
down at the Tarot cards laid out on the table in front of her. Then suddenly
she speaks.
"There is no easy way for me to tell you
this, so I’m going to be quite blunt with you."
"OK," says Miriam, "I’m ready for the
bad news. Fire away."
"You must prepare yourself to be a widow,"
continues Miss Bashayrt. "The cards clearly show that very soon your husband
is going to die a grisly death."
Even though Miriam thought she was ready,
she is still visibly shaken. She stares at the cards, then at the candle,
takes two deep breaths and feeling more composed, looks Miss Bashayrt in
the eye and calmly asks, "Nu? So will I get away with it?"
(#1836) The Emporium
Bernie is walking down Edgware High Street
when he notices the following sign in the shop window of ‘Moshe’s Kosher
Emporium’
ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have
two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It’s a deliberate
marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here
each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something.
And now that you’re in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low
price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"
(#1837) Meeting the boss
Paul goes to see his boss one day and
says, "My wife Natalie says I should see you. She says I should go up to
you and ask for an increase in my salary. She says I’m entitled."
Paul’s boss replies, "Come back tomorrow.
I’ll ask my wife if I should give it to you. "
(#1838) What a surprise!
[My thanks to Sylvia S for
the following]
Shmuel has been living by himself for
many years, but when he reaches 30 he decides that he has had enough already
of feeling lonely. So he goes to see a local shadchen.
"I’m looking for a nice wife," Shmuel
says.
"OK, you’ve come to the right place,"
says the shadchen. "So what kind of ‘nice wife’ would suit you best?"
"Well," replies Shmuel, "she doesn’t have
to be rich, she doesn’t even need to be beautiful or have a great figure.
What I’m looking for is a lebediker fisch."
A few days later, the shadchen
contacts Shmuel. "I’ve found someone for you."
Two months later, Shmuel and Naomi get
married. But when, five months later, Naomi gives birth to a lovely bouncing
boy, Shmuel immediately contacts the shadchen. "I have a complaint
to make about your selection process," Shmuel says. "I asked for a leberdiker
fisch, not a gefilte fish!"
lebediker fisch: a lebediker
is a lively person. Many years ago, fish merchants would shout out their
fresh and tasty wares in the street as ‘lebediker fisch, lebediker fisch’
gefilte fish: filled
/ stuffed fish (poached fish patties or balls made from mixture of ground
deboned fish, usually carp)
(#1839) Riddle
Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created, because there
was no Eve.
go to ninetysixth set of Jewish jokes
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