go to ninetyfifth set of Jewish jokes
This is the ninetyfourth set of Jewish jokes
(#1820) The helpful passenger
One morning, as Moshe gets off the bus to go
to work, he can’t help but notice that the woman who got off the bus in front
of him has her right breast hanging outside her blouse. He is always one
to help people and so is not embarrassed to go over to her and say, "Excuse
me madam, but did you know that your right breast is showing?"
The lady takes one look down at her breast, then
shrieks on top of her voice, "Oy vay, I’ve left my baby on the bus."
(#1821) Is that you, mum?
Lionel hasn’t spoken to his mother for at least
a week so decides to phone her. As soon as a voice answers his call, Lionel
says, "Hello mother, so how have you been keeping?"
"Fine, thank you, fine," comes the reply.
"Oy," says Lionel, "I’ve dialled the
wrong number. I’m sorry to have disturbed you, lady."
(#1822) So what songs would famous biblical
people have sung?
Hair: sung by Samson [Hair]
I Feel Pretty: sung by Esther
[West Side Story]
I Could Have Danced All Night: sung by Salome
[My Fair Lady]
Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head: sung by Noah
[Butch Cassidy]
Stayin’ Alive: sung by Methuselah
[Saturday Night Fever]
Stranger in Paradise: sung by Adam & Eve
[Kismet]
The Lady is a Tramp: sung by Jezebel
[Pal Joey]
The Lion Sleeps Tonight: sung by Daniel
[The Lion King]
The Wanderer: sung by Moses
[-]
(#1823) Bubbeh’s mistake
[My thanks to Frank R for the
following]
8 year old Sam is staying with his bubbeh
Rachel for a few days whilst his parents are away on business. On the first
afternoon, she drives to school to pick up Sam and waits for him to come out.
When Sam appears, he walks over to her and says, "Bubbeh, I was talking
to my friend Jake at school today and we would like to know what you call
two people who sleep in the same bedroom, with one on top of the other?"
Rachel is surprised by this question, but as
she’s always been one to answer all questions honestly, she replies, "Well
bubbeleh, it’s called sexual intercourse. It’s how parents make little
children."
"Thanks bubbeh," says Sam, I’m just going
to tell Jake.
She watches him wander over and talk to another
boy. Sam then returns and they drive back to her place.
When she picks up Sam from school the next day,
he says to her, "Bubbeh, you were wrong yesterday. It isn't called
sexual intercourse, it’s called bunk beds. And Jake’s mum says she wants
to talk to you."
(#1824) Riddle
[My thanks to Rabbi L for the
following]
Q: What’s a good name for a Chinese Rabbi?
A: Ben Ching
(#1825) A costly visit to the doctor
Kitty has just turned 40 and is very worried
about her health. So she decides to see her gynaecologist, Dr Myers. When
she enters his office, he says to her, "And what brings you here today to
see me, Kitty?"
Kitty just blushes and is unable to say anything.
"Why are you so embarrassed, Kitty?" asks Dr
Myers. "You’ve been seeing me for years and you’ve always been able to discuss
your problems with me."
"I know," replies Kitty, "but this problem is
a little bit different, doctor."
"Maybe," says Dr Myers, "but why don’t you let
me be the judge of that?"
"Well, OK," says Kitty, "it’s like this. When
I went to the toilet yesterday morning, as soon as I sat down I heard a plink
plink noise. I looked down and there in the water were some 5p coins. I immediately
got up and left. When I went to the toilet again some hours later, I again
heard a plink plink noise and when I looked down, there were some 10p coins
in the water. And then, this morning, the same thing, only this time there
were some 20p coins in the water. Oh doctor, what’s happening to me? Have
I got a serious illness? I’m so worried."
Dr Myers smiles at her and says, "Dear Kitty,
you’re not dying, take my word for it. There’s nothing the matter with you.
You're simply going through the change."
(#1826) The sour interview
Hannah goes to The Minky Farm and asks Henry,
the manager, if there are any vacancies available at the farm. Henry tells
her that the only job available is for a part-time lemon picker. Hannah
says the job would suit her well.
After Henry has asked her some questions about
her education and previous jobs, he tells her, "You’re really far too qualified
for such a lowly position."
"But I would still like the job," says Hannah.
"I would be very good at it."
"Do you have any experience in picking lemons,"
Henry then asks her.
"Well, actually, I do," replies Hannah. "I’ve
been divorced three times."
(#1827) Miracles and wonders
[My thanks to Hilary A for the
following]
Rabbi Levy is waiting in the queue at Bank Leumi
when a hippy-looking bearded young man joins the queue just behind him. The
man is holding a very full looking leather briefcase. Rabbi Levy immediately
notices that one of the fasteners on the man’s briefcase is undone and the
other fastener looks like it’s going to burst open, so he says to the man,
"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase."
Just then, the briefcase bursts open and spills
its contents onto the floor. The man stares at Rabbi Levy with fear in his
eyes and replies, "How on earth did you do that?"
(#1828) Daniel’s donkey
Daniel, a scrap metal merchant and one of the
few in the business still to use a donkey to pull his trailer, has been married
to Judith for over 30 years. In all those years, Daniel can safely say that
there’s never been a day when she hasn't nagged him. She is always complaining
about something or another and the only time Daniel gets any relief is when
he’s out with his donkey buying and selling scrap metal. So naturally, he
goes out as often as he can.
One day, Daniel is in his back yard sitting on
an upturned bucket next to his donkey. Judith brings him his lunch as usual
and as soon as he has said his brochehs, Judith begins her nagging.
Oy, and does she nag and kvetch! It just goes on and on with
no respite. But then disaster. Daniel’s trusty donkey, for no reason
at all, suddenly kicks out with both his back legs and catches Judith with
a zetz to her head killing her instantly.
At the levoyah the next day, the Rabbi
notices something strange. When women mourners go over to Daniel and whisper
something in his ear, Daniel nods his head in agreement. But when male
mourners go over to Daniel and whisper something in his ear, he shakes his
head in disagreement.
After the levoyah, the Rabbi asks Daniel
why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
"Well Rabbi," replies Daniel, "the women were
telling me what a tzaddekes my wife was, how generous she was and
how she was such a good mother. So I nodded my head in agreement, Rabbi."
"But what about the men?" the Rabbi asks, "Why
were you disagreeing with them? What were they saying to you?"
"They wanted to know if I was willing to sell
my donkey to them."
brochehs: prayers, blessings
kvetch: to complain
levoyah: funeral
tzaddekes: righteous woman
zetz: blow or punch
(#1829) How to choose a car
[My thanks to Stan C for the
following]
It’s Hetty’s birthday and her husband Howard
tells her that he has decided to buy her a new car. Hetty is thrilled and
can’t thank Howard enough. Later that morning they go car hunting.
After visiting half a dozen car dealers, Hetty
finds a car she likes the look of. Howard calls over the salesman to prepare
papers for his signing whilst Hetty goes back to the car to look at it one
more time. Suddenly she sees something she doesn’t like. She goes back to
Howard and says, "I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want it."
"But why, darling?" asks Howard, looking quite
sad. "You loved it 5 minutes ago."
"I don’t want to talk about it," says Hetty.
"Just take me home."
Later, she tells Howard what caused her to change
her mind. "I suddenly realised that it was an ‘extra luxury’ model and so
it had XL on its boot lid. I just couldn’t own a car with XL on it. It’s
bad enough having XL on my underwear."
go to ninetyfifth set of Jewish jokes
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