go to ninetyfourth set of Jewish jokes

This is the ninetythird set of Jewish jokes

(#1810) It wonít be a problem
Because their lovely son David doesnít seem to be able to find a wife, his parents invite a shadchen to their home to see what can be done. After listening to them for 30 minutes, the shadchen turns to David and, with an apprehensive voice, says, "I may have someone for you, but Ö.. sheís a bit short sighted."
"Her eyesight wonít be a problem to me," says David.
Feeling a bit more optimistic, the shadchen continues, "And she limps, but itís not too bad because sheís left handed and she only limps on her right foot."
"Her walking abilities wonít matter much to me either," says David.
"And sheís also just a teeny weeny bit deaf," continues the shadchen.
"Well," says David, shrugging his shoulders, "so what if she doesnít hear too well? It wonít make any difference to me."
At that, Davidís father canít hold in his rage any longer. "Whatís wrong with you David? Does nothing matter to you? Donít you worry about her disabilities?"
"No dad," replies David, "they donít worry me because whoeverís taking her should worry about them, not me."

(#1811) For the eyes of Bridge experts only
Daisy, an au-pair, is looking for a new family to work for, so when her friend shows her an advert in the Jewish Chronicle for someone to look after a family of four, she immediately applies for the position. During her interview, Rachel, the lady of the house asks her, "So Daisy, tell me, why did you leave your last position?"
"Well, madam," replies Daisy, "I canít complain about the money, I got a fair wage. I left because there were weird things going on there."
"What do you mean by that, Daisy?" asks Rachel.
"Well madam," replies Daisy, "one night a lot of folk were at the house to play a game called Bridge. They asked me to help out serving the drinks. Just as I was about to enter the lounge with my tray, I heard a man say, Ďlay down and let me see what youíve got.í  So I didnít enter. How could I?
Then I heard another man say, ĎIíve got strength but no length.í  And then, when I heard a third man say to a lady, Ďtake your hand off my trick,í I was shocked to hear the lady reply, Ďyou forced me, you jumped me twice when you didnít have the strength for one raise.í
Then I heard one lady talking about protecting her honour, and soon after that I heard another lady say, ĎNow itís time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.í
Finally, when I heard one of the men say, ĎI think weíll go home now, this is my last rubber,í I decided then and there to leave. So I put on my hat and coat and walked out, never to return."

(#1812) Hellooooo  there!
Paul is in Adrian the dentistís chair. "Now open your mouth wide, please," says Adrian.
Paul does what heís told. Adrian looks inside Paulís mouth and says, "Oy gevult, thatís the biggest cavity Iíve seen in years, oy gevult, thatís the biggest cavity Iíve seen in years."
"I heard the bad news the first time," says Paul, gloomily, "there was no need to repeat yourself."
"I didnít repeat myself," says Adrian with a mischievous smile. "That was an echo."

(#1813) Tit for tat
[My thanks to Geoff E for the following]
Moshe is sitting in his office one morning when his phone rings.
"Mr Minkovsky," says the caller, "my name is Peter Burton and Iím the manager of NatWest Bank in Edgware. As you know, you hold your business account with us and Iím calling to inform you that at close of business yesterday, your account was overdrawn by nearly £600."
"Thank you mister bank manager for letting me know this," replies Moshe. "Do you have access to my account statements for the last three months?"
"Yes, I have them in front of me," replies the bank manager.
"So could you tell me what was my account balance at the end of each of the last 3 months," asks Moshe.
"Yes, of course," replies the bank manager. "Over the last three months, your account ended the month in credit by £789.26, £1,245.90 and £444.01."
"So nu, mister bank manager," says Moshe, "did I phone you up on those occasions?Ē

(#1814) Beginnings of mankind
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
One day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, "Mummy, Iíve been thinking about us humans and Iím a bit puzzled. How did we humans first appear on Earth?"
"Thatís a very good question, darling," her mother replies. "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result, mankind began."
Later that day, Melissa asks her father the same question. "Daddy, how did we humans first appear on earth?"
"Thatís an intelligent question, Melissa," he replies. "Millions of years ago there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved."
Melissa is confused by this answer and goes back to her mother. "Mummy," she asks, "how come that you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy said they developed from monkeys?"
"Well darling, replies her mother, smiling, "the answer is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

(#1815) Real life situation Ė 1.  This really did happen
[My thanks to Leslie T for sending me the following real-life story]
Iím coming out of the supermarket carrying a whole load of kleenex tissue boxes, and by chance meet my friend Arnold who is on his way in.  We stop to say hello, and he said, "I hope your cold gets better soon."
I replied, "Thatís very kind of you, Arnold, but I donít have a cold."
He then says, "Well . . . . for the next time that you catch one, then."

(#1816) Real life situation Ė 2.  This really did happen
[My thanks to Leslie T for sending me the following real-life story]
We have a lady acquaintance who lives abroad and who recently got married. We didnít attend, so after the wedding, she sent a picture of herself in her bridal gown. The note said, "Do you like my dress?"
I wrote back, "Yes, itís very nice. Always wear it in good health!"


(#1817) How to get on in business
[My thanks to Anna R for the following]
Although Joshua is a bright young man, he didnít do too well at his school exams and as a result, his first job is working for a successful Film Studio as a mailroom delivery boy. One morning, heís delivering some mail to Mr Gold, the Companyís Chairman and Managing Director. Joshua knocks on Mr Goldís door and enters. There, standing by the window, is Mr Gold and heís waving to someone in the street. Mr Gold turnís round, sees Joshua and calls him over to join him at the window.
"Joshua, do you see those two women down there by the Lamborghini?" asks Mr Gold.
"Yes sir, I do," replies Joshua.
"Well, Joshua," says Mr Gold, kvelling, "one of those ladies is my wife Rebecca and the other woman is Penelope Cruz."
"Is that so, sir," says Joshua, "so which one of them is Penelope Cruz?"
At that, Mr Gold walks to his desk, sits down, opens a drawer, takes out a cheque book and then asks Joshua, "Whatís your surname?"
"Levine, sir," replies Joshua.
Mr Gold then writes out a cheque made payable to Joshua Levine for the sum of £1,000 and hands it over to Joshua.
Joshua is shocked to see the sum involved and says, "Thank you very much Mr Gold, but whatís it for? I havenít done anything to deserve it."
"Iíve given you this cheque, Joshua," replies Mr Gold, "because in a few yearís time, I will have retired, you will own this company, and it will be your Lamborghini outside. So I want to be able to say that I gave you your first thousand pounds."

(#1818) Riddle
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Q: What are the two times when a man doesn't understand a woman?
A: Before marriage and after marriage.

(#1819) The fertility prayer
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Rabbi Bloom meets the latest members to join his shul - Harry and Kitty Feltz. He shakes their hands in a very friendly and warm manner, then asks, "So Kitty, how many children do you have?"
"Sadly, rabbi," replies Kitty, "we are not yet blessed with any children."
"Iím sorry to hear this," says Rabbi Bloom. "God works in many mysterious ways so let me help you. Let me write down your names on this piece of paper and Iíll get it placed in the Kotel for a special blessing."
"Thank you very much, rabbi," they say.
Not too many years later, Rabbi Bloom meets Kitty in the street and remembering their last meeting asks her, "So how is your family, Kitty? How many children do you have?"
"Well rabbi, your prayers for us were answered. We are now blessed with 11 children. We have one pair of twins and three sets of triplets."
"Mazeltov Kitty," says Rabbi Bloom. "Iím very pleased to hear that things have worked out so well for you. I would also like to wish your husband mazeltov, but I donít see him here. Where is he?"
"Heís currently in Jerusalem, rabbi," replies Kitty.
"Oy, how nice," says Rabbi Bloom. "So tell me, whatís he doing there? Is he on business?"
"No, heís not there on business, rabbi. Heís there trying to find that note you had placed in the wall five years ago," Kitty replies.

Kotel: a Jewish religious site located in Jerusalem, sometimes referred to as the Wailing Wall

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