go to ninetysecond set of Jewish jokes
This is the ninetyfirst set of Jewish jokes
(#1790) The yearly visit
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
Sharon is out shopping one day in Hendon
when she meets rabbi Levy.
"Hello rabbi," she says. "How are you?
I hope you are keeping well."
"Well if I’m not mistaken," says rabbi
Levy, "it’s Mrs Gross, isn’t it?"
"Yes rabbi, it is," replies Sharon.
"I haven’t seen you in shul now
for quite some time," says rabbi Levy."
"I know," says Sharon, looking quite embarrassed,
"I stopped going to shul some time ago because every time I went,
it was always the same thing."
"Always the same thing?" asks rabbi Levy,
looking puzzled, "I don’t understand you."
"Oh you must know, rabbi," explains Sharon,
"KOL NIDRAY-AY VESORAY-AY."
(#1791) Are my sons OK?
Leah is an old fashioned type of mother.
She has three teenage sons and she always wants re-assurances from them
that they are going out with the ‘right kind’ of girl. Leah has read too
many stories in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper of boys being led astray
by the wrong kinds of girl.
Two of Leah’s sons are always telling
her of the girls they meet, which satisfies her, but as for Benjy, her
eldest, no such luck. He’s very cagey and secretive and tells her nothing
– in fact he never mentions his girlfriends at all. Leah is sure something
is not quite right, but she doesn’t know what.
This is aggravating her so much that one
evening, as soon as Benjy goes out, she goes into his room and starts to
look through his pockets. At last she finds something. It’s a silver and
gold make-up case and on it is written: -
HELENA RUBINSTEIN
"Oy, thank God," she says aloud.
"At least I now know that Benjy is going out with Jewish girls."
(#1792) Hannah’s tube ticket
[My thanks to both Frank
R and Richard K for the following]
50 year old Hannah from Golders Green
lives in a very friendly street. Everyone gets on well with each other
even though they have mixed skin colours, religions and countries of origin.
For example, Deepika, her next door neighbour, is one of Hannah’s best
friends. She is a very generous lady and is always doing things for Hannah.
One Saturday morning, Deepika calls on
Hannah and says, "I have to take a tube train to Victoria to meet my daughter.
Can I get you anything while I’m out?"
"That’s really nice of you to ask," replies
Hannah, "but I don’t need anything at present. And as you’re going by tube,
why not take my season ticket and you won’t then have to pay for your travel.
You can return my ticket when you get back."
Deepika takes Hannah’s ticket and thanks
her.
30 minutes later, Deepika is on a tube
train going to Victoria. But then a ticket inspector gets onto the train
and when he reaches Deepika, he asks to see her ticket. She hands him Hannah’s
ticket. He glances at the name on the ticket, takes a hard look at Deepika,
and asks, "Excuse me lady, but are you Hannah Levy?"
Deepika smiles at the inspector and nods
affirmatively.
Still suspicious, the inspector hands
Deepika a blank piece of paper and says, "I need to compare signatures
– could you please sign your name here."
"Man, are you really serious?" Deepika
replies, very indignantly. "You’re asking me to write on our shabbes?"
(#1793) Golfing injury
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
It’s Sunday and Emma and Rose are in the
middle of their regular round of golf. At the 13th hole, Rose tees off
and watches in horror as her ball heads directly towards the two men playing
the 14th hole. The ball hits Nathan, who immediately clasps both hands
to his groin and falls to the ground rolling around in agony.
Rose rushes over to Nathan and says, "Look,
I’m sorry about this, but I'm a chartered physiotherapist and I know how
to relieve your pain. Do you want me to help you?"
"Oh there’s no need to do anything," Nathan
says through clenched teeth. "I’ll be OK soon."
But after two minutes pass, Nathan is
still obviously in pain. He’s lying on the grass in the foetal position
and he’s still clasping his hands to his groin. So Rose once again asks
whether she can help him. This time, Nathan replies, "Yes, oh yes. Please
get rid of my pain."
So Rose gently goes over to him, bends
down and gently takes his hands away from his groin. She then loosens his
belt, undoes the top of his trousers, puts her hands inside, and administers
special, tender and artful massage to his parts. After a while, Rose asks
Nathan, "So how does that feel?"
"It feels absolutely wonderful," replies
Nathan, "but I still think my thumb is broken."
(#1794) A dog is truly a man's best
friend.
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
If you don't believe it, try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and leave them there
for an hour. Then, when you open the boot, ask yourself this question:
-
"Who is really happy to see me?
(#1795) The hotel sign
When Isaac goes to New York on business,
he always stays at the Hilton. But this time, just for a change, he decides
to book in at the Broyges Hotel. He chooses this hotel because the big
neon sign out front says: -
BROYGES HOTEL. SALT BEEF & LATKES.
TV
Isaac goes into reception, pays the manager
in advance for a deluxe room, gets the porter to take his bag to his room,
and goes to get a bite to eat in the dining room. He orders the salt beef
and is disappointed when, 15 minutes later, a rather tired looking salt
beef sandwich and latke arrive. As soon as he finishes eating, he goes
to his room where he is hoping to see a good football game on the TV. But
when he gets there, he’s dismayed to see that there is no TV in his room.
He goes immediately to the Manager to complain.
"Excuse me mister manager," says Isaac,
"there is no TV in my room."
"Did anyone say there should be?" asks
the manager.
"Yes," replies Isaac, "it states TV clearly
on your hotel sign."
"I think you’ve got this wrong," says
the manager, "TV means TOURISTS VELCOME."
(#1796) The back seat champion
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
Sarah couldn't ride in a car without telling
whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She was, bar none, the
worst back seat driver in the world. Her husband Hayim long thought this,
though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever, made comments
about his driving and he, of course, claimed the opposite. And suddenly,
there was proof.
The other day, Hayim was driving Sarah
and their daughter to the shopping centre when little Shuli piped up, "Daddy,
before you married Mummy, who told you how to drive?"
(#1797) Riddle
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
(#1798) A rate check
Ruth looks up the yellow pages, finds
what she’s looking for and makes a phone call. "Hello," says Ruth, "am
I talking to the loony doctor?"
"If you are referring to a psychiatrist,
then yes, you are talking to one. I am Mr Martin Lewis, a qualified psychiatrist,
psychologist, neurologist and cranial surgeon. How can I help you?"
"I’m farfufket," replies Ruth,
"I have awful thoughts 24 hours a day and I’m doing things that I can’t
even remember doing. I think I’m going meshugga."
"I can help you," says Mr Lewis.
"As it might take some time to cure me,"
continues Ruth, "I need to know how much you charge and whether you can
offer me a discount."
"I charge a flat fee of £250 per
visit, and I don’t offer discounts," replies Mr Lewis. "Everyone pays me
the same."
"What? £250 per visit?" shrieks
Ruth, "Do you think I’m a meshuggeneh?" and slams down the phone.
farfufket: disoriented, befuddled
(#1799) The big shot
Louis from Texas is visiting his friend
David in London. Louis is a bit of a groisser sheeser, and during
his stay, says to David, "I bet you didn’t know that I have 400 cows back
home?"
"Surely," says David, "most Texans have
that number of cattle?"
"You’re right there, David," replies Louis,
"but how many have 400 in their freezer?"
groisser sheeser: a big shot
go to ninetysecond set of Jewish jokes
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