(#1790) The yearly visit
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Sharon is out shopping one day in Hendon when she meets rabbi Levy.
"Hello rabbi," she says. "How are you? I hope you are keeping well."
"Well if I’m not mistaken," says rabbi Levy, "it’s Mrs Gross, isn’t it?"
"Yes rabbi, it is," replies Sharon.
"I haven’t seen you in shul now for quite some time," says rabbi Levy."
"I know," says Sharon, looking quite embarrassed, "I stopped going to shul some time ago because every time I went, it was always the same thing."
"Always the same thing?" asks rabbi Levy, looking puzzled, "I don’t understand you."
"Oh you must know, rabbi," explains Sharon, "KOL NIDRAY-AY VESORAY-AY."

(#1791) Are my sons OK?
Leah is an old fashioned type of mother. She has three teenage sons and she always wants re-assurances from them that they are going out with the ‘right kind’ of girl. Leah has read too many stories in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper of boys being led astray by the wrong kinds of girl.
Two of Leah’s sons are always telling her of the girls they meet, which satisfies her, but as for Benjy, her eldest, no such luck. He’s very cagey and secretive and tells her nothing – in fact he never mentions his girlfriends at all. Leah is sure something is not quite right, but she doesn’t know what.
This is aggravating her so much that one evening, as soon as Benjy goes out, she goes into his room and starts to look through his pockets. At last she finds something. It’s a silver and gold make-up case and on it is written: -
HELENA RUBINSTEIN
"Oy, thank God," she says aloud. "At least I now know that Benjy is going out with Jewish girls."

(#1792) Hannah’s tube ticket
[My thanks to both Frank R and Richard K for the following]
50 year old Hannah from Golders Green lives in a very friendly street. Everyone gets on well with each other even though they have mixed skin colours, religions and countries of origin. For example, Deepika, her next door neighbour, is one of Hannah’s best friends. She is a very generous lady and is always doing things for Hannah.
One Saturday morning, Deepika calls on Hannah and says, "I have to take a tube train to Victoria to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything while I’m out?"
"That’s really nice of you to ask," replies Hannah, "but I don’t need anything at present. And as you’re going by tube, why not take my season ticket and you won’t then have to pay for your travel. You can return my ticket when you get back."
Deepika takes Hannah’s ticket and thanks her.
30 minutes later, Deepika is on a tube train going to Victoria. But then a ticket inspector gets onto the train and when he reaches Deepika, he asks to see her ticket. She hands him Hannah’s ticket. He glances at the name on the ticket, takes a hard look at Deepika, and asks, "Excuse me lady, but are you Hannah Levy?"
Deepika smiles at the inspector and nods affirmatively.
Still suspicious, the inspector hands Deepika a blank piece of paper and says, "I need to compare signatures – could you please sign your name here."
"Man, are you really serious?" Deepika replies, very indignantly. "You’re asking me to write on our shabbes?"

(#1793) Golfing injury
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
It’s Sunday and Emma and Rose are in the middle of their regular round of golf. At the 13th hole, Rose tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads directly towards the two men playing the 14th hole. The ball hits Nathan, who immediately clasps both hands to his groin and falls to the ground rolling around in agony.
Rose rushes over to Nathan and says, "Look, I’m sorry about this, but I'm a chartered physiotherapist and I know how to relieve your pain. Do you want me to help you?"
"Oh there’s no need to do anything," Nathan says through clenched teeth. "I’ll be OK soon."
But after two minutes pass, Nathan is still obviously in pain. He’s lying on the grass in the foetal position and he’s still clasping his hands to his groin. So Rose once again asks whether she can help him. This time, Nathan replies, "Yes, oh yes. Please get rid of my pain."
So Rose gently goes over to him, bends down and gently takes his hands away from his groin. She then loosens his belt, undoes the top of his trousers, puts her hands inside, and administers special, tender and artful massage to his parts. After a while, Rose asks Nathan, "So how does that feel?"
"It feels absolutely wonderful," replies Nathan, "but I still think my thumb is broken."

(#1794) A dog is truly a man's best friend.
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
If you don't believe it, try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and leave them there for an hour. Then, when you open the boot, ask yourself this question: -
"Who is really happy to see me?

(#1795) The hotel sign
When Isaac goes to New York on business, he always stays at the Hilton. But this time, just for a change, he decides to book in at the Broyges Hotel. He chooses this hotel because the big neon sign out front says: -
BROYGES HOTEL. SALT BEEF & LATKES. TV
Isaac goes into reception, pays the manager in advance for a deluxe room, gets the porter to take his bag to his room, and goes to get a bite to eat in the dining room. He orders the salt beef and is disappointed when, 15 minutes later, a rather tired looking salt beef sandwich and latke arrive. As soon as he finishes eating, he goes to his room where he is hoping to see a good football game on the TV. But when he gets there, he’s dismayed to see that there is no TV in his room. He goes immediately to the Manager to complain.
"Excuse me mister manager," says Isaac, "there is no TV in my room."
"Did anyone say there should be?" asks the manager.
"Yes," replies Isaac, "it states TV clearly on your hotel sign."
"I think you’ve got this wrong," says the manager, "TV means TOURISTS VELCOME."

(#1796) The back seat champion
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Sarah couldn't ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She was, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. Her husband Hayim long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever, made comments about his driving and he, of course, claimed the opposite. And suddenly, there was proof.
The other day, Hayim was driving Sarah and their daughter to the shopping centre when little Shuli piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mummy, who told you how to drive?"

(#1797) Riddle
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

(#1798) A rate check
Ruth looks up the yellow pages, finds what she’s looking for and makes a phone call. "Hello," says Ruth, "am I talking to the loony doctor?"
"If you are referring to a psychiatrist, then yes, you are talking to one. I am Mr Martin Lewis, a qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist and cranial surgeon. How can I help you?"
"I’m farfufket," replies Ruth, "I have awful thoughts 24 hours a day and I’m doing things that I can’t even remember doing. I think I’m going meshugga."
"I can help you," says Mr Lewis.
"As it might take some time to cure me," continues Ruth, "I need to know how much you charge and whether you can offer me a discount."
"I charge a flat fee of £250 per visit, and I don’t offer discounts," replies Mr Lewis. "Everyone pays me the same."
"What? £250 per visit?" shrieks Ruth, "Do you think I’m a meshuggeneh?" and slams down the phone.

farfufket: disoriented, befuddled

(#1799) The big shot
Louis from Texas is visiting his friend David in London. Louis is a bit of a groisser sheeser, and during his stay, says to David, "I bet you didn’t know that I have 400 cows back home?"
"Surely," says David, "most Texans have that number of cattle?"
"You’re right there, David," replies Louis, "but how many have 400 in their freezer?"

groisser sheeser: a big shot

go to ninetysecond set of Jewish jokes

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