go to eightyeighth set of Jewish jokes

This is the eightyseventh set of Jewish jokes

(#1750) Weekly coffee chat
Jacob and Morris meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre for their regular weekly schmooze and coffee. But this time, they just sit there staring at their cups of coffee without saying a word. Suddenly, Jacob says, "Do you know what I think, Morris?"
"No," replies Morris, "what is it that you think, Jacob?"
"I think," says Jacob, "that life is just like a cup of coffee."
"Why do you think that?" asks Morris.
"How should I know," replies Jacob. "Am I a philosopher?"

schmooze: chat

(#1751) The first date
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Judith meets Isaac at a dance and they seem to hit it off quite nicely Ė so much so that they agree to go out for a meal the following night. Isaac says he will pick her up at her house at 8pm.
The following evening, Judith spends quality time getting herself ready for what she hopes will be the start of a new romance. Finally, she is ready. She walks over to the mirror and looks at herself. What she sees is an attractive, sexy, well made-up young woman, wearing a low-cut but very chic evening dress, matching satin shoes, and the vintage pearl necklace and matching ear-rings her bubbeh gave her. She is pleased with what she sees and sits down to wait for Isaac.
But she is very disappointed when 8pm arrives and thereís no sign of him. She continues to wait in hope, but thereís still no Isaac. At 9.30pm, Judith gives up. Crying, she runs upstairs to the bathroom and roughly wipes off all her make-up, smudging her lipstick over her mouth. But she doesnít care. She goes into her bedroom, changes out of her lovely dress and puts on her dressing gown. Finally, she takes off her shoes, puts on her slippers and goes downstairs to watch TV.
But as soon as she sits down, the doorbell rings. When Judith opens it, there stands Isaac with a bunch of flowers in his hand. He looks at Judith with a worried look on his face and says to her, "Judith, whatís going on? Iím nearly two hours late, Ö. and youíre still not ready?"

(#1752) The invoice query
Lionel has been seeing Dr Myers, his psychiatrist, for some weeks now for his schizophrenia and eventually receives an invoice for the first monthís treatment. But when he reads it, he is shocked Ė itís for £1,000. He immediately phones Dr Myers.
"Doctor," Lionel says, "Iíve just got your bill for £1,000. I thought you told me your charge is £500 per month."
"But my dear Lionel," replies Dr Myers, "it is £500 per month   Ö.. but for each, donít forget."

(#1753) The premonition
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Judith picks a firm of solicitors from the Yellow Pages and makes an appointment to see someone from their Family department.
"How can I help you, madam?" asks the solicitor.
"Is it true," asks Judith, "that if I get divorced, I'm entitled to 50% of all of my husband's possessions?"
"Well," the solicitor replies, "the law firm would get their fee, of course, but even after this payment, it is usually the case that the woman ends up receiving at least 50%, maybe a bit more, of her husbandís entire assets. So tell me, are you ready for a divorce at this moment?"
"Oh no," replies Judith, "I need to find a husband first."

(#1754) The car crash
Aaron and Renee are driving back from a short holiday when their car is involved in a minor accident. Aaron wasnít concentrating and he hits a parked car. Fortunately, no one is hurt. Within minutes a police officer arrives at the scene.
"So what happened?" the officer asks Aaron, smiling. "How did you manage to hit that car? It couldnít have been easy."
Aaron immediately replies, "It was mine Reneeís fault."
"Why do you say that?" asks the officer, making notes.
"Because," replies Aaron, "she fell asleep in the back seat."

(#1755) The cancellation
Freda is getting worried. Her husband Bernie walked out of their house earlier that day and hasnít returned. At 9pm she goes to her local police station to report a missing person.
While sheís giving details to the officer in charge, she gives him a photo of Bernie and says, "When you find him, could you please tell him that my mother didnít come after all. She decided she would stay the week at my brotherís house instead."

(#1756) The arrival
Sadie has died and today is her levoyah. Her husband Nathan and many of their family and friends are standing round the grave as Sadieís coffin is lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners pick up some spades and help to fill the open grave with earth.
But on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkens, rain starts to fall, flashes of lightening fill the sky and loud thunder claps batter their ears.
Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, sheís arrived OK."

(#1757)  The drive to school
David is driving his ten year old granddaughter Emma to school one morning when he accidentally hits his carís horn.
Emma looks at him and asks, "Why did you toot your horn, grandpa David?"
"I didnít mean to do it, Emma," David says. "I hit the horn by mistake."
"I knew it must have been a mistake, grandpa," says Emma, "because you didn't say Ďshmuckí afterwards."

(#1758) STOP PRESS:
[My thanks to Simon T for the following]
Itís true! In an old cookbook, thereís a recipe for "Roast Neck of Lamb" that begins with: -
"Wipe neck with a damp cloth."
(Most refreshing, Iím sure, but I say if you canít stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen!)

(#1759) The expert insurance agent
Gary has had a tremendous year selling life assurance policies and is asked by one of his colleagues for the secret to his success. Gary replies, "After I outline the benefits of life assurance, I go into costs. And if the prospect then seems to be undecided, I say to him, ĎOK, I understand that you might need some time to think it over, so why donít you sleep on it. Then let me know what you think tomorrow morning - if you wake up, that is.í"

go to eightyeighth set of Jewish jokes


Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.