go to eightyfifth set of Jewish jokes

This is the eightyfourth set of Jewish jokes

(#1710) Courtesy seating
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Young Benny arrives home from school and says to his mother, "Mummy, when daddy was taking me to school on the bus this morning, he asked me to give up my seat to a lady who was standing next to us. So I did. But do you think I should have given up my seat?"
"Well Benny," replies his mother, "I think it was a very nice thing to do. I always appreciate someone giving up their seat for me when all the seats are taken."
"I know that, mummy," says Benny, "but I was sitting on daddyís lap at the time."

(#1711) Riddle
Q: Whatís the difference between an Italian wife, a French wife and a Jewish wife?
A: When an Italian wife is having an affair, she says, "Mamma mia." When a French wife is having an affair, she says, "Ooh-la-la." And when a Jewish wife is having an affair, she says, "Issy, the ceiling needs painting."

(#1712) Rabbis are just as fallible as we are
Here are three ĎFreudian Slipsí supposedly made by rabbis: -
1. A rabbi wished someone in his congregation who was going in for a biopsy, "I hope you have a successful autopsy."
2. Another rabbi told his congregation, "Iím still a bit numb because yesterday, I was seduced (sedated) by my dentist."
3. Yet another rabbi was very upset to hear that someone in his congregation had been seen drinking "Pork Wine."

(#1713) Promises, promises
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Jonathan and Renee are on their very first date. As they are walking to the cinema, Renee says, "If you give me a kiss, Jonathan, I promise faithfully that Iíll be yours for ever and a day."
Jonathan replies, "Thanks for the early warning, Renee."

(#1714) Marriage
Rivkah awakens one night to find that her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly, "why are you down here in the middle of the night?"
Howard looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?"
"Yes, I remember," Rivkah replies.
Howardís voice is brimming with emotion. "Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"How could I forget?" says Rivkah.
"And do you remember he put a gun against my head and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I'll see to it that you go to jail for 30 years?'"
"I remember that well," Rivkah softly replies, taking hold of his hand.
Howard wipes away a tear and says, "I would have got out today."

(#1715) Business trouble
Aaron and Jonathan, two businessmen both in their 80s, meet one day in Brent Cross shopping centre. Aaron asks, "So nu, Jonathan, whatís new?"
"Vatís new, you ask me? Trouble, thatís vatís new," replies Jonathan. "Mine secretary is suing me for breach of promise."
"But I donít understand," says Aaron. "At your age, what could you promise her?"

(#1716) Riddle
Q: How can you tell a Jewish baby boy in a nursery?
A:  Heís the one with the heartburn.

(#1717) Whoís got talent?
Moshe is lucky enough to meet Arthur Rubinstein, the famous concert pianist, and within minutes of meeting him, Moshe persuades him to drop by his house to listen to his wonderful daughter Emma play the piano.
As soon as Emma finishes her favourite piano piece, she looks at Rubinstein and asks, ďSo what do you think I should do now, Mr Rubinstein?Ē
Rubinstein immediately replies, ďI think you should get married.Ē

(#1718) I wish you long life
Rivka and Bernie have been married for fifty years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the Jewish Chronicle.
"So Rivkah," asks the reporter, "I know today is your Golden Wedding Anniversary, but how old, exactly, are you?"
"I am 78 years old," replies Rivkah, "and kin-a-hora I should live to be a hundred."
"Well I hope your wish comes true," says the reporter. The reporter then turns to Bernie and asks, "And how old are you, Bernie?"
"Iím also 78 years old," replies Bernie, "and please God I should live to be a hundred and one."
"But why," asks the reporter, "do you want to live one year longer than your wife?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Bernie, "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet."

kin-a-hora: an expression used to ward off the evil eye

(#1719) Overheard in shul - 1
"So Henry, is your son Simon a good doctor?"
"Good? Heís such a lovely boy that last year, when I needed an operation and couldnít afford it, he touched up my X-rays."

(#1720) Overheard in shul - 2
"Diane, the summer holidays will soon be with us and I was wondering where youíll be going this time?"
"Well, as you know Fay, we took a trip around the world last year. This year, weíre thinking of going somewhere different!"

(#1721) Overheard in shul - 3
"You tell me Arnold that you have a relative staying with you over the holidays. Is this relative of yours a religious man?"
"Well let me tell you, Benny. My relative is so orthodox that when he plays chess with me, he doesnít use bishops, he uses rabbis."

(#1722) Our little secret
[My thanks to Norm K for the following]
Harry and Kitty are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with a party for their family and friends. During the party, Max and Betty walk over to them and say, "Mazeltov. Weíre so pleased for you both. But you must let us in on your secret - how have you managed to stay married for so long, especially in this day and age?"
Harry turns to Kitty and asks, "OK for me to reply to this?"
Kitty replies, "Yes dear."
"Well," continues Harry, "our secret is quite simple. On the very day we got married, Kitty and I came to an agreement which weíve stuck to all these years. We decided that I would make all the major decisions and Kitty would make all the minor decisions. And I can truthfully say that over the 60 years of our marriage, I have never needed to make a major decision."

(#1723) The baseball lesson
David from England is visiting his friend Stan in America. One of the first things Stan does is to invite David to a baseball game. Soon after the game starts, the first player hits a single and runs to first base. The next batter is a dangerous batter, so they decide to walk him.
David is very confused to see this and says to Stan, "I don't understand whatís happening, Stan. Why did the first player run to first base, whereas this last one just walked to first base?"
"Itís really simple, David," replies Stan. "Thatís because he got a walk - he had four balls."
"Oh now I understand," says David. "Having that is enough to slow any man down!"

(#1724) Family love
[My thanks to Brian C for the following (which he put together himself)]
Itís dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup. To be honest, he really doesnít much like its taste or consistency. His wife Sarah sees her Jeremy struggling with it and so asks him, "Whatís wrong with the soup, Jeremy?"
"Although youíre the best cook in the world, darling," replies Jeremy, "when it comes to chicken soup, youíve got a lot to learn. I donít want to upset you, but I just donít like your soup. My mother Miriam makes the best chicken soup in the world. Why donít you ask her for her recipe?"
"Oy vay, Jeremy," replies Sarah, "you know how Miriam hates me. She would never tell me such a thing."
"But your mother Hetty also makes an excellent chicken soup," says Jeremy. "Surely she must have told you how."
"Jeremy," says Sarah, "This was the recipe she gave me. I guess Hetty hates you just as much as Miriam hates me."

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