go to eightyfourth set of Jewish jokes

This is the eightythird set of Jewish jokes

(#1695) The kosher hotel booking
One day, Cyril notices for the first time that his father Nathan is getting on in years and decides to treat him. When next he visits his father, Cyril says, "Dad, Iíve done well in business and Iíd like to treat you. You havenít been on holiday since Mum died and I think itís time you went again. So Iím going to purchase a return flight to Miami Beach and book you into a nice hotel. Iím sure youíll meet lots of new friends and the weather there will do you good. What do you say?"
"Oy, son, what a nice present," replies Nathan. "Iíd love to go, but only on condition that you book me into a strictly kosher hotel."
"Itís a deal," says Cyril.
Cyril quickly makes arrangements for his father to stay 6 weeks at the ĎKosher Minky Hotelí. Two weeks later, he takes his father to the airport and sees him off.
Every Sunday for the next four weeks, Cyril phones his father to check all is well. And the reply is always, "You didnít need to call me, son, Iím well and Iím thoroughly enjoying myself."
But Cyril wants to see his fatherís happiness for himself and decides to visit the Kosher Minky without telling anyone. When he arrives, he looks for his father in the lounges, the dining room and the swimming pool, but there is no sign of him. So he goes to reception and asks where he might find his father. The receptionist tells him that he should try the Goodservice Hotel, room 13.
Cyril immediately takes a taxi to the Goodservice, walks up to room 13 and knocks on the door. The door is opened by a tarty looking girl in her underwear, and there behind her is his father in a bathrobe.
"Father," shouts Cyril, "how could you? Youíre a religious man and you made me book you into a kosher hotel. Iím totally shocked by what I see."
Nathan looks at his son and says, "I donít know what youíre getting so worked up for, son. I donít eat here."

(#1696) How do the dentures feel?
Abeís eating a bagel for his mid morning snack and breaks his dentures. He searches Yellow Pages for a dental technician, but everyone he calls quotes him an exorbitant price. "I just donít understand you, Abe," says his wife Sarah, "we have a newly qualified dentist in the family, so why don't you call your nephew Arnold? I know you donít think much of him, but Iíll bet heíll give you a better deal than those gonifs youíve just spoken to. Why donít you go see him, heís only five minutes away?"
"Oy Vay, Sarah," replies Abe, "You know I think Arnold is a shmuck. I wouldn't want to put any dentures he makes in my mouth."
But Sarah doesnít let up and 30 minutes later, Abe is discussing new dentures with Arnold. "I can make you a new set for only £100," says Arnold, "which is a special rate just for the family."
A week later, Abe has his first fitting and just as he thought, theyíre uncomfortable. Over the weeks that follow, Abe regularly visits Arnold for adjustments. Sometimes Arnold adds some material, sometimes he grinds away some material and sometimes he bends some material, but to no avail - Abe never feels they fit perfectly.  Then suddenly Abe stops coming and Arnold thinks he is at last happy with his dentures.
Two months later, by chance, they meet in the street. "Hi uncle Abe," Arnold says, "it's good to see you again. How do the dentures feel?"
"Let me answer that by telling you a true story," replies Abe. "For the past three weeks, weíve been on a Caribbean Cruise. Whilst there, I hire a boat to do some deep water fishing and immediately I hook this great big 350 pound tuna. This is a very powerful fish and immediately begins to swim away from me. As Iím struggling to hold him, my 200 metres fishing line runs out and Iím nearly jerked over the side. Then the tuna turns around and starts swimming back towards me at great speed and now Iím frantically reeling in the line. Then I notice that somehow the loose line which has been falling in the boat has wrapped itself around my shorts, trapping my testicles. Before I can take any action, the tuna turns around for a second time and starts swimming even faster away from the boat. Arnold, believe me, just then, for the first time in many, many weeks, I didn't feel your dentures!"

gonifs: thieves/crooks
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis

(#1697) Marriage research
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, "Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?"
"Our ketubah," he replies.
"But youíve been staring at it now for nearly an hour," she says.
"I know," Isaac replies. "Iím looking for something."
"So what are you looking for, Isaac?" asks Rose.
"An expiry date," he replies.

ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate

(#1698) Five positive reasons to celebrate Passover

marror: bitter herb, usually grated horseradish
chad gadya: a Passover song
chometz: bread to be removed from the house prior to Passover

(#1699) Passover riddle
Q: Why do we read from a haggadah?
A: Because we want to be able to Seder right words.

haggadah: Passover prayer book
seder: Passover ceremony

(#1700) Another Passover riddle
Q: What do we call a person who enjoys eating the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.

(#1701) You know youíre an Israeli because
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]

(#1702) The coach journey
30 very senior citizens from a Jewish Care home in Golders Green are travelling by coach to Waddesdon Manor to see, what else, but the Rothschild antiques collection.
They have been traveling for only 30 minutes when 80 year old Hetty walks up to the driver from the back of the coach and tells him, "Oy, mister, there's a pervert onboard." She then returns to her seat.
One minute later, 82 year old Ethel walks up to the driver from the back of the coach and tells him, "Oy vay, mister driver, there's a pervert on this coach." Then she too returns to her seat.
The driver feels he must check it out because there have been two similar complaints within minutes of each other. So he stops the coach and walks to the back.  There he finds Cyril, a very frail elderly bald-headed man, crawling around under the seats on his hands and knees. The driver immediately asks Cyril, "What on earth do you think you are doing down there?"
Cyril looks up at the driver and says, "Iíve lost my toupee and I'm looking for it down here. Twice in the last 5 minutes I thought I had found it, but mine is parted on the side."

(#1703) Shul announcement
Moshe loses his wallet and decides to place the following advert in his shulís weekly newsletter.

LOST OR STOLEN:  Near or in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. A brown full length leather wallet containing my driving licence, my passport, some irreplaceable family photos and approximately £500 in £20 notes. Finder can keep the documents and the photos but should return the money, to which I am attached for sentimental reasons.
(#1704) The Tao
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is definitely not Jewish.

(#1705) The Pope and the Rabbi
[Author unknown]
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moshe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Ďup yours!í Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

(#1706) A philosophical thought
Itís funny how Ďbigí £100 looks when you make a shul donation, but so Ďsmallí when you spend it at the shopping centre.

(#1707) Important instruction for men
I strongly recommended that you never criticise your wife. Just remember that if she were perfect, she would have married someone much better than you.

(#1708) Jewish Food
[Author Unknown]

(#1709) The avid golfer
Gary, an 80 year old avid golfer, moves to a new house in Barnet just to be near a golf club. So keen is Gary that not long after the last removal lorry has left, he gets into his car, takes a short trip to the Dyrham Park Country Club and quickly becomes a member of this well known golf club. Two days after that, he goes to Dyrham to play his first round there.
When he arrives, heís told by Harold the on-duty Pro that as everyone is out on the course he wonít be able to play today. But our Gary doesnít give in easily and nags that he really, desperately, with all his heart, wants to play. Harold gives in and says he himself will play with Gary, but only if they play for a £50 bet. Gary agrees.
On their way to the first hole, Harold asks Gary, "How many strokes do you want?"
"I don't need any strokes," replies Gary, "Iíve been playing quite well this year and the only problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
Gary then begins his first round of golf at Dyrham and for the next 3 hours he plays Ďout of his skin.í Coming to the par four 18th, Gary and Harold are level. Harold produces a great drive which allows him to get onto the green in two and is then able to two-putt for a par. Gary also drives well but his approach shot lands in the sand trap next to the green. Gary gets into the bunker and hits a high ball which lands on the green and gently rolls into the hole. Match and £50 to Gary!
Harold immediately walks over to Gary and says, "That was a fantastic shot for an eighty year old, but I thought you told me you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
"I do," replies Gary, "could you please give me a hand?"

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