go to eightysecond set of Jewish jokes

This is the eightyfirst set of Jewish jokes

(#1665) You have my blessing
Renee has been going out with Lionel, the latest of her many boyfriends, for three weeks and this time she really believes something will come of it - especially as he has just asked to meet with her parents. So that afternoon, Renee goes to her father and says, "Daddy, when Lionel arrives, thereís a very good chance that heís going to come to you to ask for my hand in marriage."
Her father jumps up from his chair and shouts out Ďmazeltov,í but before he can get too excited, Renee says, "But daddy, you must promise me something. All you need to say to him is a simple, 'yes, you have my blessing.' I beg you daddy, please don't do what you did last time with my previous boyfriend."
"So just what did I do last time?" asks her father, innocently.
"Well," replies Renee, "you fell on your knees, grabbed his hand and shouted out, ĎOh, thank you my lovely boychick. Thank you, thank you. Youíre my salvation.í"

boychick: bit of a lad; young boy

(#1666) The Rabbi sends an email
[My thanks to Anna Read for her very own and very funny version of this joke which is given in full in her own words]
Rabbi Brewster was delighted to be asked to an international conference of religious leaders, especially when he heard it was to be held in Rotorua, New Zealand, an area famous for its volcanic and thermal features like boiling mud pools and natural hot springs. As he and his wife had not had a holiday for some time, they decided that she would join him after the conference.
The morning after he arrived, the Rabbi decided to send his wife an email, but unfortunately sent it to the wrong email address, that of the recent widow of a colleague....

My dear, darling wife (it read)
When I got down here, I was pleased to find that we were all given the use of a computer, so I'll be able to email you every day and tell you everything that's going on. It certainly seems odd to think that you're walking round over my head in the winter cold. The heat here is amazing.
I miss you very much, but I've been meeting some really interesting people, rabbis, priests and clergymen from every denomination you can think of. I've even met some old friends like Morris Simmonds, and David Goldstein who send their regards.
After the English winter, it seems very hot down here, and the sulphur smell is very strong. I was talking to an Anglican Archdeacon who's been here for some years and he tells me that there are cold days, and after a while you don't notice the smell.
I miss you terribly, my darling, and as I can't come back to you, I can't wait until you come down here to be with me and we will never be parted again. I am so glad to think that it won't be long before we are together again forever.

Your ever loving husband

(#1667) The car accident
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
One day, as Isaac Levy is driving home, a lorry crashes into his car. Heís very lucky and suffers only moderate injuries. Nevertheless, heís off work for two months. As a result, he contacts a Personal Injury lawyer who, after hearing the details, recommends that Isaac take the lorry driver to court for dangerous driving. Isaac agrees.
A few weeks later, Isaac arrives in Court and soon heís in the witness box answering questions thrown at him by the lorry driverís very aggressive defence lawyer.
"Mr Levy," asks the lawyer, "did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
"Vell, I'll tell you exactly vot happened at the scene of the accident," replies Isaac. "I had only just put my dog Cindy into the --"
"Mr Levy," interrupts the lawyer, "I didn't ask you for any details. All I need from you is a simple answer to my question - did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, thank you, Iím fine'?"
"Vell," replies Isaac, "as I vas saying, I just got mine Cindy into my car and vas driving down the road ven --"
"Mr Levy!" Once again the lawyer interrupts Isaac. This time, the lawyer turns to the judge and says, "Your Honour, Iím trying to establish an important fact. This man told the Police Officer at the scene of the accident that he was just fine. Now heís trying to sue my client. I believe, your Honour, that Mr Levy is a liar. Please tell him to simply answer my question."
But the Judge is now interested in Isaac's reply and says to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what Mr Levy has to say about his dog Cindy."
On hearing this, Isaac continues, "Vell, like I vas saying, your Lordship, I put mine Cindy, mine vunderful, friendly Cindy, into the car and drove off. But within minutes, a large lorry vent across a red light and crashed into my car. I vas trapped by mine legs and vas in pain. Den I heard mine Cindy moaning and whimpering. Oy, it vas the vorst sound I haf ever heard and I knew she vas seriously hurt. Then the police arrived. Vun of them heard mine lovely Cindy whimpering so he vent over to her, saw vat terrible condition she vas in, took out his gun and shoots mine Cindy dead. Den the policeman walks over to me in my car and I see heís still holding his gun. He looks at me and says, ĎHow are you feeling?í So nu, your Lordship, vat vould you haf said?"

(#1668) Jewish motherís advice
Probably the only good advice that your mother gave you was this, "So go already! You might meet somebody!"

(#1669) The sexual couch
[My thanks to Charles K for the following]
Morris goes into Harrods furniture department and says to one of the salesmen, "Good morning. Iíd be grateful if you could show me where I can find a sexual couch."
Trying very hard to conceal a smile, the salesman replies, "Does sir mean a sectional couch?"
"No," replies Morris, "I really do mean a sexual couch. You see, mine wife Sarah says she wants an occasional piece in the living room."

(#1670) An up-to-date visitor
18year old Daniel, an up-and-coming Jewish Rapper, is visiting the USA for the first time. When he gets to his hotel room, he picks up the phone and says to the operator, "I'd like the number for Rachel Cohen in Brooklyn, New York, please."
After a short pause the operator says to Daniel, "I have 8 listings for a Rachel Cohen in Brooklyn. Do you have a street name?"
Daniel thinks for a second, then replies, "Well, most of my friends call me ĎDanny the pisherí."

(#1671) How to handle bad news
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Sadie isnít feeling too well and goes to see doctor Myers. He gives her a full examination, sighs and says, "I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and Iíd advise you to put your affairs in order ASAP."
Sadie is shocked, but manages to compose herself and walk out into the waiting room where her daughter Shoula is waiting.
"So how did it go mum?" asks Shoula.
"Well Shoula, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are not so good. Unfortunately, in this case, things aren't so good. Iíve cancer. Let's go to my golf club and have a drink."
Later, after several martinis, the two are feeling a little less sombre. They have some laughs and then some more martinis. But after a while theyíre approached by two of Sadieís club mates who are curious as to what they are celebrating. Sadie tells them that theyíre drinking to her impending death. "Iíve been diagnosed with AIDS," she tells them.
"Oy Veh," they say, and give Sadie their condolences. Then they all have a couple of martinis.
After Sadieís friends leave, Shoula leans over and whispers, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer? Youíve just told your friends that youíre dying of AIDS. Iím confused mum."
Sadie replies, "I told them that because I don't want any of those kurveh sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

kurveh: whore

(#1672) Living in the past
[My thanks to Malcolm C for the following]
Morris and Ruth have just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. That night, as they are getting ready for bed, Morris looks carefully at Ruth.
"What are you staring at?" Ruth asks.
"Darling," he replies, "Iíve been thinking. When we got married 25 years ago, we lived in a small apartment, we drove a cheap Ford car, we watched TV on a small 15inch black and white television and we couldnít afford a proper bed so we had to make do with a sofa bed. However, despite all of that, I was proud to be sleeping with a sizzling 25 year old blonde.   Now, however, we have a large house in Hampstead, we drive a Lexus, we have a 42 inch Sony LCD television set with Sky digital and we have a king-sized water bed. But hereís my problem - I'm now sleeping with a 50 year old woman. Youíre obviously not holding up your side of things and I donít know what to do."
Ruth, being a very reasonable and sensible lady, says to Morris, "Iíve got a solution to your problem, Morris. Go out and find a sizzling 25 year old blonde. When you find one, Iíll make sure that youíll once again be living in a small apartment, driving a cheap Ford, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 15 inch black and white television set."

(#1673) The present
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers. Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my Miriamís birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, Iíll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'"
"So tell me already, what did you buy her?" asks Joshua.
"I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam.

(#1674) Resolving any problem
One day, Jacob asks his wife Yetta, "You always carry a photo of me in your handbag. What on earth would you want with my photo?"
"Well," replies Yetta, "whenever I encounter a problem, no matter how impossible it might seem at first, I look at your picture and the problem doesnít seem a problem any longer - it just melts away."
Jacob smiles with pride when he hears this. "It doesnít really surprise me, Yetta," he says. "Havenít I always told you how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
"Yes, I know you have," replies Yetta, "but the way it works is like this - when I take your photo out of my handbag and look at your face, I say to myself, "What problem can there be thatís greater than this one?"

(#1675) The body scan
David asks his wife Renee, "I was just wondering, darling, what part of me do you like the most? Is it my handsome, rugged face or my hard, muscular body, or what?"
Renee scans him from head to toe, then replies, "I like your sense of humour."

(#1676) A good sex life
Isaac is 80 years old and goes to see doctor Myers for a full health check. After completing his tests, doctor Myers says to Isaac, "Well, for someone your age, everything seems very normal to me. But Iíd like to ask you just one more question, Isaac. How is your sex life?"
"Well," replies Isaac, "itís not really too bad, doctor. My wife isnít really interested in sex any more, so I just drive around the streets of London once or twice a week. Iím really quite successful at finding one-night stands. For example, last week I picked up and made love to two young women."
"Oy, and at your age too," says doctor Myers. "I do hope Isaac that you took some precautions."
"Oh yes, doctor," replies Isaac, "I may be old, but Iím not senile yet. I gave both of them a phoney name."

(#1677) Eating or fasting Ė which is it to be?
Iím sure most of you realise that many of our Jewish holidays fall into two categories. Category 1 holidays comprise those on which we must starve ourselves and category 2 holidays comprise those on which we must fress and even become khozzers. Here are 17 of our Jewish holidays: -

fress: eat and enjoy lots of food and maybe even pig out!
khozzer: a gluttonous person
blintze: pancake filled with cream cheese or jam

(#1678) The fortune teller
Daniel proposes to his girlfriend Rachel. "Will you marry me darling?"
With tears in her eyes, she replies, "Oh yes, yes, Daniel. Of course I will. And I want you to know that when we get married, Iíll be there to share all your worries and troubles and help lighten your burden."
"Iím so glad you want to be my wife," says Daniel smiling, "but as for your offer to share all my worries and troubles, you wonít have to because I just don't have any."
"Well," says Rachel, "that's because we aren't married yet."

(#1679) The latest doll
Little Emma is talking to Naomi, her best friend. "My mum has just bought me the latest Barbie doll for my birthday. Itís a Jewish mother Barbie doll."
"Oh you lucky thing," says Naomi. "So what does the doll do, Emma?"
"When you press her button," replies Emma, "it cries out, ĎOy Vay, enough with the button already.í"

go to eightysecond set of Jewish jokes


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