go to seventy-fifth set of Jewish jokes

This is the seventy-fourth set of Jewish jokes

(#1560) The kisser
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
Eve walks over to Adam in the Garden of Eden and kisses him passionately. "Wow," says Adam, "how did you learn to kiss like that?"

(#1561) Miracle petrol
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Renee is a very caring lady who spends a lot of her spare time visiting and helping sick members of her shul. Her car is also well known in the community because itís decorated all over with lots of Hebrew decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps.
One day, as she is driving to one of the care homes she regularly visits, her car runs out of petrol and splutters to a stop. "Oy veh," she says to herself, "and just when Iím late."
Fortunately, she notices a petrol station only a few hundred yards away, so she walks to the station to get help. "Hi," Renee says to the man behind the till, "Iíve run out of petrol and Iím hoping you can lend me your petrol can. Iíll pay you for the petrol I use and Iíll return your can as quickly as possible."
The attendant replies, "Iím sorry, lady, but Iíve lent out my one and only can not more than 5 minutes ago. Iím expecting it back in about half an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it."
But as sheís behind schedule, Renee goes back to her car to find something that she could use to fill with petrol. Then, what mazel, she notices the bedpan she always keeps handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan to the petrol station, fills it and carries it back to her car.
Two men are passing by and watch her pour in the petrol. One turns to the other and says, "If the car starts, I'm turning Jewish."

mazel: luck

(#1562) The mother of God
Sister Maria, a very devout nun, dies and goes to heaven. Sheís greeted at the gates by St. Peter with a fanfare of trumpets. St. Peter then says to her, "Whilst weíre getting your place ready, are there any questions you want to ask me, or is there anything I can do for you?"
"If itís possible," replies Sister Maria, "I would love to meet the Holy Mother Mary."
St. Peter immediately takes her to a little building nearby and knocks on the door. "Come in," says a gentle voice from inside.  Sister Maria enters and sees a middle-aged woman dressed in the clothes of biblical times sitting on a wooden chair knitting. So Sister Maria sits down at Maryís feet and waits to be addressed.
Mary looks up from her knitting and says, "Yes, my child, you have a question for me?"
"Reverend Mother," says Sister Maria, "you were a simple woman, yet you were chosen from all the women on Earth to be the Mother of God. Could you give me just a brief idea of what you were thinking of when Jesus was born?"
With a glazed look in her eyes, Mary replies with a sigh, "Oy veh. Ich hob dafke gevolt a maydel."   (Well, I was really hoping for a girl)

(#1563) Working boy
Itís shabbes and Yitzhak and his young son Aaron are on their way to shul.  Yitzhak is watching Aaron pick his nose. "Why are you breaking the commandment Ďthou shall not work on shabbesí, Aaron?" asks Yitzhak.
"Iím not, dad," says Aaron, "what work do you think Iím doing?"
"Digging," replies Yitzhak.

(#1564) Hot, hot, hot
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
"Please, Leah, please."
"Oh leave me alone, Moshe."
"But it won't take long."
"If I do, I won't be able to sleep afterwards."
"Well, if you donít, I wonít be able to sleep either."
"Why do you have to think of such a thing just before I go to sleep?"
"Because I'm hot, hot, hot, thatís why, Leah."
"You always get hot at the wrong times, Moshe."
"If you really loved me, you wouldnít be making me beg you."
"Well, if you really loved me, you'd be more considerate."
"Donít you love me anymore?"
"Of course I do, Moshe, but let's forget it for tonight."
"Oh please, Leah."
"OK, OK, I'll do it - anything for a quiet life!"
"What's keeping you?"
"I can't find it."
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Leah, feel for it."
"There! Now are you satisfied?"
"Oy veh, that's good."
"Is it up far enough?"
"Yes, oh yes."
"Now go to sleep and when you next want the window open, open it yourself."

(#1565) Translation problems
Hyman and Isaac are discussing the problems in translating from one language to another. Hyman says, "Did you know, Isaac, that there are some English words and expressions that are very difficult to translate into Yiddish."
"You surprise me," says Isaac, "can you give me an example?"
"Well," replies Hyman, "Iíve always had difficulty in finding a Yiddish word that adequately covers the meaning of the English word Ďdisappointed.í"
Isaac thinks for a while and says, "Mmm, I see what you mean, Hyman. Look, Iíll tell you what Iíll do. My mother speaks only Yiddish, so I'll ask her tonight how one says, Ďdisappointedí in Yiddish."
That night, Isaac says to his mother, "Mum, I always come here for dinner on Friday nights. So how would you feel if I were to tell you that I wonít be coming here next Friday?"
Isaac mother replies, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed."

(#1566) Proof of age
David reaches 60 years of age and is now entitled to a Freedom Pass (for free travel on London buses and tubes). So he goes to the Post Office to pick up his pass. After queuing for nearly 20mins, he finally gets to the counter and says to the lady clerk, "Could I please have a Freedom Pass."
"OK," says the clerk, "but first I need to see either your passport or your driver's license so that I can verify your age."
After fumbling in his pockets for a while, David says to the clerk, "Iím very sorry, but Iíve left my documents at home. Theyíre still sitting on my sideboard."
But before David can leave, the clerk says to him, "Donít go. Maybe I can check your age another way. Please open your shirt."
David does what heís asked and opens his shirt, revealing a large mass of silver curly hair.
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," says the clerk with a smile and promptly processes his application.
When David gets home, he canít wait to tell his wife Andrea about his experience with the lady clerk at the Post Office. Andrea listens to his story then says, "You should also have pulled down your trousers and pants. She would then have given you a disability pension as well."

(#1567) Are you blind?
A Mini car crashes into the back of Melvyn's Rolls Royce as Melvyn is waiting to turn right.  The Mini driver is furious. "Why didn't you indicate?" he shouts.
"What would have been the point?" shrugs Melvyn, "If you couldnít see my Rolls Royce, how could you have seen my indicator?"

(#1568) Signs and wonders
Abe owns a thriving menís wear shop in Golders Green, but his prosperity starts to weaken when a competitor opens a shop next door to his on his left. Then, a month later, things get even worse when another competitor opens a shop next door to his on his right.
"Oy veh," he says to himself, "three menís wear shops in a row is nothing but bad news."
But then, two months later, things start to look up. The competitor on his left has put up a sign in his window saying: -

Then, a week later, the competitor on his right puts up a sign saying: -
So Abe immediately puts up a big sign over the front door to his shop: -
(#1569) Love match
Esther meets Rebecca in Brent Cross shopping centre. They havenít seen each other for years and immediately start talking about their favourite subject Ė their children.
"So howís your lovely little boy Lawrence?" asks Esther. "Is he still giving you much naches?"
"Heís not so little anymore Ė heís nearly 20years old," replies Rebecca, "and to tell you the truth, we were broyges with him last year."
"Why, what did he do?" asks Esther.
"He hadnít been at Oxford University more than a fortnight when he rang to tell us heíd Ďcome outí," replies Rebecca.
"Oy gevalt!" says Esther, "I bet you were both farmisht."
"Well, we were at first," says Rebecca, "but then we found out heís going out with a nice Jewish doctor."

farmisht: mixed up, befuddled, confused
broyges: angry

(#1570) What extravagance!
Jeremy and Lisa are arguing again. "You know, darling, you must be the most extravagant spender of all time."
"How on earth can you say that about me? Itís not true.Ē
"But it is, Lisa. If only you would look at all the items on our bank statements."
"Statements, schmatements," says Lisa, "itís just not true."
This goes on for some timeÖ"Yes it is."   Ö  "No itís not."
Then suddenly, Lisa says, "OK, alright already. So what if I enjoy spending money? But I bet you canít name any other extravagance of mine."

 (#1571) Marketing message
As Moses is leading the tribes out of Egypt, they come to the Red Sea and they need to be able to cross it to get to the Promised Land on the other side. Moses lifts up his staff and prays to God. The Red Sea immediately parts, leaving enough space for all of them to cross.
Moses goes over to the first tribe and says, "Please cross now."
But their leader replies, "No, we donít want to cross."
"Be reasonable," says Moses, "Iíve just performed the miracle of the parting of the Red Sea. You must cross."
"Why must we cross?" asks the leader.
"Because over there, on the other side," replies Moses, "weíll find a land overflowing with milk and honey. In any case, you must cross because Iíve just paid for a full page in the Bible."

(#1572) Inflation?
As Sam is walking down Golders Green Road, heís accosted by a shnorrer. "Please can you give me £1?" says the shnorrer.
"Why should I?" asks Sam.
"Because I need to buy a cup of tea," replies the shnorrer.
"But a cup of tea is only 50p," says Sam.
"I know," says the shnorrer," but Iím a big tipper."

shnorrer: a professional begger

(#1573) Who will buy?
One afternoon, little Benjy returns home from school and finds his father in the lounge watching an auction of racing horses on the TV Sports Channel. As Benjy stares at the screen, he canít help noticing a man moving from one horse to another, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes of this, Benjy asks, "Daddy, why is the man doing that?"
"Because," replies his father, "when youíre buying horses, you have to make sure that theyíre healthy and in good condition before you buy."
Benjy looks a bit worried. "Daddy," he says, "I think Uncle Hymie wants to buy mummy."

(#1574) Only for those who understand a bit of Yiddish
Hyman and Isaac are davening in shul.  But Hyman canít take his eyes off the very attractive lady heís noticed in the womenís section.
So Isaac says to Hyman, "Kuk nisht tzu di froien. Dafst davenen."
Hyman returns to the prayers, but soon he is looking at the woman again.
So Isaac says, this time a bit more angrily, "Kuk nisht tzu di froien. HAINT IZ YOM KIPPUR."
Hyman replies, "Bai mir in di oizn iz haint SIMJES TOIRE."

davening:  praying

go to seventy-fifth set of Jewish jokes


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