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This is the seventy-second set of jokes
(#1530) Boyfriend advice
One day, Sadie and Rose are talking about men.
"I have a question for you," says Rose.
"So ask it already," says Sadie.
"OK," says Rose. "If I meet a stranger at a party and I think that heís attractive, do you think itís OK to ask him straight away whether he's married?"
"No, certainly not," replies Sadie, "you should wait until morning."
(#1531) Ooops - 1
Joshua is mega-rich and is always lavishing expensive presents on his wife, Naomi. But today, Joshua is in big trouble. He has forgotten that itís their wedding anniversary. Oy Veh!
Naomi looks him in his eyes and says, in a very serious manner, "Tomorrow, Joshua, there had better be something for me outside our garage that goes from 0 to 200 in next to no time at all, or else....."
Naomi gets up early next morning, opens her front door and finds a small package outside the garage. She opens it and finds, of all things, brand new bathroom scales.
The levoyah is on Sunday and Naomi is sitting shivah for the whole week.
Shivah: 7 days period of mourning
(#1532) Ooops - 2
Mervyn and Kitty are sitting in an expensive kosher restaurant in Golders Green enjoying their salt beef and latkes when Mervyn notices Kitty staring at a man at the next table. The man looks decidedly drunk, so Mervyn asks Kitty, "You've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies, "he's my ex-husband."
"Has he always been a heavy drinker?" Mervyn asks.
"No, not always," Kitty replies, "but heís been drinking like that ever since I left him six years ago."
"That's remarkable," says Mervyn, "I didn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Kitty hasnít spoken to Mervyn since.
(#1533) More Yiddish Proverbs
(#1536) Customer relations
Tony owns a local car repair garage. One day, Martin, one of his customers, arrives to pick up his car. Tony goes over to him, shakes his hand and says, "Iíd just like to say thanks for your patronage. I wish I had 10 customers like you."
"Wow! Itís nice to hear you say that," says Martin, "but why are you thanking me? You know I always argue with your prices and I always complain about the work you do on my car."
"I know," says Harry, "but I'd still like 10 customers like you - the trouble is I have at least 50 like you."
(#1537) Moshe the salesman - 1
Moshe applies for a job at VOT-LOVELY MENíS WEAR. During his interview, Benjamin the personnel manager asks him, "Where did you last work?"
"Shmatters R Us," replies Moshe, proudly.
"And how long did you work for them?" asks Benjamin.
"A long time - 40 years in fact," replies Moshe.
Benjamin is a bit startled by this response and says to Moshe, "40 years, eh? So how old did you say you were?"
"Iím 51 years old, kin-a-hora," replies Moshe.
"I donít understand," says Benjamin. "If youíre 51, how come you say you worked for them for 40 years?"
Quick as a flash, Moshe replies, "I put in a lot of overtime."
(#1538) Moshe the salesman - 2
Morris is passing by VOT-LOVELY MENíS WEAR when he sees a sign in their window,
JACKETS Ė SPECIAL PRICE - £250.
So he goes inside. Moshe, the assistant on duty, goes over to Morris and says, "Can I be of help, sir?"
"Yes you can," replies Morris, "Iíd like you to make me a Beatles jacket."
"A Beatles jacket? I donít know what that is exactly," says Moshe. "Can you describe it to me?"
"Of course," says Morris.
So Moshe takes out his note book and starts to make notes.
"Itís like an ordinary jacket," says Morris "but this one has no collar. Neither does it have a lining Ö or buttons Ö or button holes. It doesnít even have lapels."
"Is that it?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Morris. "So nu? How much will such a jacket cost?"
"For you," replies Moshe, "such a jacket will cost £350."
"But your sign outside says, JACKETS Ė SPECIAL PRICE - £250," says Morris.
"I know it does," says Moshe, "but with all the extras youíve asked for Ö.."
(#1539) Their first quake
Even though they know San Francisco is due for another big earthquake, Lionel and his wife decide to go there to celebrate their silver wedding anniversary. Unluckily, at midnight on their first night, they experience their first violent earthquake. It wasnít the BIG one, though, and when morning comes, Lionel goes down to hotel reception to find out more about the event. As heís waiting to be seen, another hotel guest walks up to him and says, "Say, mister, did you feel the earthquake during the night?"
"I sure did," replies Lionel, "My wife and I are here on holiday from London and I never realised a quake could be so terrible. I thought the hotel was going to collapse on top of us."
"So what were you doing during the earthquake?" asks the other guest.
"Well, if you must know," replies Lionel, smiling, "whilst the earthquake was actually taking place, I was experiencing my best sexual performance ever."
"Mazeltov," says the other guest, "what did your wife think about it?"
Lionel replies, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
Q: How many pensioners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.
Morris works in a local Care Home looking after the elderly. Heís very good at his job. For example, during the admission procedures he always asks new arrivals if theyíre allergic to anything and if they are, he prints it on an allergy band which he places on their wrist.
One day, he asks a new arrival, "OK, Becky, I have just one more thing to ask you. Are you allergic to anything?"
"Yes I am," replies Becky. "Iím allergic to bananas."
Later that morning, Beckyís son comes storming angrily into the office and shouts, "OK, who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?"
(#1542) The telephone call
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his motherís birthday he goes to a Sothebyís sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he canít wait to phone to tell her what heís bought for her. "Hi, mum, itís me, Issy, your number one son, your boychik."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, bubbeleh?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. Iím ringing to tell you that for your birthday, Iíve just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, bubbeleh, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
(#1543) The error in the paper
Hymie and Bernie, both in their 90s, live in a retirement home in Edgware. One Friday, Hymie gets up very early, extracts the Jewish Chronicle newspaper from under his door, and goes down to the lounge to read it. He opens the paper, turns to the obituaries page and gets the shock of his life. There, on page 43, is his own obituary! Even though he quickly realises that itís an error, it both excites him and upsets him. He has to tell someone, so he goes to reception and uses the internal phone to call Bernieís room.
After the phone has been ringing for nearly a minute, Bernie finally picks it up and says, sleepily, "Which meshuggeneh is ringing me so early, already?"
"Bernie, are you up yet?" shouts Hymie, excitedly.
"Well I am now, arenít I?" replies Bernie.
"Bernie," shouts Hymie, "go pick up your Jewish Chronicle and turn to page 43."
"Why, whatís so important in the paper that I should do this?" asks Bernie.
"Bernie, donít argue with me. Go get the paper and turn to page 43 and do it now," shouts Hymie.
"OK, I've got the paper already," says Bernie, "so what am I looking for?"
"Bernie, turn to page 43 and look at the bottom of column 4," shouts Hymie.
"Alright, already," says Bernie, "I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling at me."
"OK," says Hymie, "but read it now."
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then, following a long silence, Bernie gets back on the phone and quietly asks, "Hymie, so where are you calling me from right now?"
(#1544) The company to work for
[My thanks to Jack L for the following]
Benny is on his way to Tenerife for a 2 weeks holiday. As heís waiting in the departure lounge at Heathrow airport, a gorgeous woman walks over and sits down next to him. Benny is convinced that she must be an airline stewardess. However, because sheís not in uniform, he doesnít know which airline. So he attempts to find out without asking her directly.
He turns to her and chants aloud the Delta Airlines slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She just stares at him in a confused kind of way, so heís sure she doesnít work for Delta Airlines.
He turns to her again and this time chants aloud the Singapore Airlines slogan, "Something special in the air?"
Once again she gives him the same confused look, so heís sure she doesnít work for Singapore Airlines.
Benny then turns to her for a third time and chants aloud the Thai Airways slogan, "Smooth as Silk?"
At this, the woman gets very, very angry. With a snarl on her face she turns to Benny and shouts, "What the hell do you want?"
Suddenly, all is clear to Benny - he knows who she works for. He slumps back in his chair and says, "Ah, so you work for El Al."
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