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This is the seventieth set of jokes

(#1495) Incident in a theatre
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Moshe and Sadie are in the theatre enjoying the latest West End play when Moshe suddenly leans over to Sadie and whispers in her ear, "I just did a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Sadie whispers back, "I think you should put a new battery in your hearing aid."

(#1496) A doctorís solution
[My thanks to Shlomo for the following]
Ruth's baby boy is born with only one eyelid. "Oy veh! What am I going to do?" she says to her doctor.
"Don't worry," he replies, "after the bris, we will take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid."
"But if you do that," says Ruth, "wonít it will make him cockeyed?"
"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."

(#1497) Birthday wishes
Bennie wakes up one morning with a smile on his face Ė because today he is 90 years old. He gets out of bed, looks down at his toes and says, "Hello toes, how are you today?  Did you know that youíre now 90? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we used to take a walk in the park every Sunday afternoon? Or the weekends we rock-and-rolled on the dance floor with all the young ladies? So, happy birthday toes."
Bennie then looks down at his knees and says, "Hello knees, how are you today? Did you know that youíre now 90? Oh, the times we used to have together. Do you remember when we always used to march in all the parades we could find? Or all the Israeli dancing we used to do with all the beautiful ladies in Robertoís class? So, happy birthday knees."
Benny then looks down at his crotch and says, "Hello Willie, you little traitor. If you were alive today, you'd be 90 years old."

(#1498) The ape experiments
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Sidney attends a lecture on the subject of: -

ďHunger or Sex, which instinct is the stronger?Ē
The lecturer describes to the audience of a series of tests he had conducted to find a scientific answer. "For my tests," he says, "I used one healthy male and one healthy female chimpanzee. Before each test, I kept them apart so they could not see or hear each other. I also starved the male of both food and sex for a week.
For my 1st test, I put a bowl of food in the middle of my lab and then placed the male in one corner and the female in the opposite corner. The male looked at the female, then looked at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So, ladies and gentlemen, it looked like hunger prevailed over the sexual instincts of the male.
But as a true scientist, I did a 2nd test to see whether the earthís magnetic field had influenced the outcome. Again I kept the apes separate, starved the male and put the bowl of food in the middle of the lab. Then I put the male in the Southwest corner and the female facing him in the Northeast corner. The male immediately looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it. So once again the male preferred food to sex.
But I wanted to be absolutely sure of the results so I carried out a 3rd test, this time placing the male much closer to the female than to the food. The result was the same. The male looked at the female, then at the food, then rushed to the bowl of food and devoured it.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I can say with some confidence that hunger is a much stronger drive than sexual instincts in the male animal.  Thank you."
After the applause has died down, Sidney stands up and says aloud, "I have a question for you, mister lecturer. Have you tried doing the experiments with a different female ape?"

(#1499) Brotherly love
[My thanks to Michael B for the following]
Miriam, a Hebrew class teacher, has just finished having a discussion with her class about the commandment to honour ones mother and father. She then turns to the class and asks, "Can anyone here tell me what commandment tells us how to deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Sam immediately stands up and proudly replies, "Thou shalt not kill."

(#1500) The old ones are the best ones Ė some well known quickies

(#1501) I need to be certain
[My thanks to Cliff L for the following]
Issy and Jacob, both in their eighties, are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre when Issy turns to Jacob and says, "Jacob, please excuse me for my poor memory, but who died yesterday, was it Shlomo or you?"

(#1502) Not on a kibbutz
Aharon, Bracha and their son Mordechai have lived an extremely isolated life in a kibbutz without any form of modern convenience. There is no TV, no radio, no PC - in fact there is no electricity. And not one of them has ever left the kibbutz since they were born. But when Aharon reaches 50 years of age, they decide to take their very first overseas trip to London. Today, they are visiting a shopping mall.
While Aharon is inside an electronics shop being amazed by the variety of equipment on display, Bracha and Mordechai are outside the shop, being fascinated by two shiny, silver walls that move apart by magic and then slide back together again. "What are those, mother?" asks Mordechai.
Bracha replies, "Son, I have never seen anything like them in my life. I just donít know what they are."
Suddenly, an obese elderly man with white hair, thick glasses and a walking stick hobbles over to the silver walls and presses a button. The walls open, he walks between the doors into a small room, and the walls close behind him.  Bracha and Mordechai then see some small numbers above the walls light up and change sequentially from 1 to 6. Then they notice the numbers start changing, this time from 6 down to 1. The walls open up again and a very handsome young man steps out. Bracha watches him walk away and, not taking her eyes off him, says quietly to Mordechai, "Son, go get your father."

(#1503) GABS
Moshe returns to Israel following a trip to China and is feeling very ill. When his doctor examines him, Moshe is rushed to hospital for tests and then placed in a private room in the isolation ward to await the results. Moshe has been there no more than a few hours when the phone by Mosheís bed rings.
"This is your doctor speaking," says the voice on the phone, "I now have the results of your tests and I'm sorry to have to tell you that you have an extremely contagious disease known as GABS. I can't see you in person Ė in fact no one can. Thatís why Iím using the phone."
"GABS?" gasps Moshe, "What is that. What does it mean?"
"Well," says his doctor, GABS is a disease combining Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Bird Flu and Syphilis It can be deadly if not treated quickly."
"Oy veh, doctor," screams Moshe, "how are you going to treat me?"
"Well, we're going to keep you in isolation and put you on a strict diet of slices of worsht, fried egg, matzo and kichels." says the doctor.
"Will they cure me?" asks Moshe.
"Not really," replies the doctor, "but those are the only foods we can slide under the door."

(#1504) The compliment
Benny says to his girlfriend, "Youíre more beautiful than any stamp in my collection."
"Philately will get you nowhere," she replies.

(#1505) A true story?
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane stopped in Sacramento along the way and the flight attendant explained, "Iím sorry, folks, but thereís going to be a short delay. If you want to get off the aircraft to stretch their legs, the plane will be re-boarding in 45 minutes."
Everybody got off the plane except one blind man. His Seeing-Eye dog lay quietly in front of him. The pilot approached him and said, "We're going to be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like help to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but my dog would like to stretch his legs."
All the people in the gate area were shocked when they saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing-Eye dog. The pilot was even wearing dark sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

(#1506) The secret message
Benny has been having an affair with Gina, his Italian secretary, for several years. One night, during one of their clandestine Ďmeetingsí, Gina shocks him by telling him that she is pregnant and that he is the father. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, Benny says, "Iíve done very well in business, as you know, and Iím prepared to pay you a large sum of money if youíll go to Italy to secretly have your baby. Further, if youíll stay in Italy to raise the baby, Iíll also provide generous child support until the baby turns 18. What do you say?"
Gina thinks for a while then replies, "OK Benny. Youíre an honest man and I trust you. Iíll move back to Italy and live with my parents. But how will you know when the baby is born?"
"To keep it discreet," he tells her, "simply send me a postcard with the word SPAGHETTI written on the back. Iíll then immediately arrange for child support payments to begin."
One day, about 9 months later, Benny comes home to his confused wife. "Darling," she says, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"OK, let me see it," he says.
His wife hands him the postcard and as she watches him read the card, he turns white and faints.
Written on the card was: -

(#1507) True story Number 1
[My thanks to Anna R for sending me this true story]
In case you thought that chutzpah was a Jewish characteristic, here is one of my favourite examples of it, from a man who lives locally.
In New Zealand, koi carp are a pest. They foul waterways, eat smaller fish, grow big and fat and make nuisances of themselves. People spend a lot of time, energy and money getting rid of them. Not so a local farmer. He organises an annual event where people pay HIM to come and hunt his kois, and there are prizes for the ones who catch the most! Eager fishers/hunters flock in and pay good money to keep his koi numbers down.
Now, that's chutzpah.

(#1508) True story Number 2
[My thanks to Richard K for sending me this true story]
Dear David, among other things, Iím a book-seller on the streets of New York, 85th & Broadway to be precise. So I meet a lot of people on the Upper West Side.  One elderly Jewish man I met was telling me that he grew up as a kid in Brooklyn and spoke Yiddish at home. There was a funeral parlour nearby with the name, I.G. Morris. When his mother would get angry or annoyed at someone, she would say, "Lozz-im gehn' auf I.G. Morris!" (Let'm go to I.G. Morris!) This cracked me up for several days! So although it is not a joke, you can easily picture this scene.

(#1509) Faster than lightning
Itís the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, "So whatís your best time for the 100 meters?"
"Just over 8 seconds," replies the Israeli.
"But the world record is around 9 seconds," says the astonished American.
"Yes," says the Israeli, "but I know a short cut."

(#1510) Fast calories
Moshe is talking to his friend. "Did you know, Abe, that during sex, an average man loses about 250 calories whereas the average Israeli loses 1,250 calories?"
"So how do you explain that?" asks Abe.
"Well," replies Moshe, "the Israeli uses up 250 calories during sex and a further 1,000 calories whilst heís running around telling all his friends."

(#1511) What are friends for?
Ruth has just been to see her doctor for the first time in years and returns home with a little plastic beaker.  When her husband Henry sees the beaker, he asks Ruth, "So nu, darling, whatís the beaker for?"
"Doctor Myers wants me to bring him a specimen in it."
"So provide him with one already," says Henry.
"Well I would if I could," says Ruth, "but whatís a specimen, darling?"
"How the hell should I know," replies Henry, "we havenít seen a medical person for years. Why donít you ask your friend Rifka - sheís always going to see her doctor."
So Ruth goes out to talk to Rifka. She returns 30 minutes later. Her dress is torn and she has two black eyes and a cut lip.
"What on earth has happened to you," Henry asks.
"You wouldnít believe it," she replies, "When I asked Rifka what a specimen was, she said, Ďgo pee in a bottle.í So I told her to Ďgay kakken af en yamí and thatís when the fight started.

gay kakken af en yam:  go sh*t in the sea

(#1512) How to lose weight
[My thanks to Moshe for the following]
Abe is just a bit overweight (well a lot, really) and goes to see a dietician.
"For the first two weeks," says the dietician, "I want you to eat normal, then skip one day and start all over again. If you do this, I guarantee you will lose at least 14 pounds in the first two weeks."
Two weeks pass and Abe goes back to the dietician and gets onto the scales. The dietician is stunned. "Abe, youíve lost 20 pounds. This is unbelievable.  Did you follow my instructions?"
"Yes I did," replies Abe, "I followed your instructions explicitly, even though I nearly died on day 6."
"Do you mean die, as in Ďhungerí?" asks the dietician.
"No," replies Abe, "I mean die, as in Ďall the skipping.í"

(#1513) The Passover test
[My thanks to Jeff G for the following]
Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean is hungry so he takes a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty."
"Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "Iím Rabbi Levy."
"Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. Thereís no meat in them."
"Itís very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a great sin Ė comparable to the sin of adultery."
"OK," says Sean, "but itís difficult for me to understand the significance of what youíve just said."
Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that we met recently and that Iíd offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes I remember saying that."
"Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistressís apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldnít see the comparison."

(#1514) A doctorís philosophy
[My thanks to Moshe for the following]
Yossi goes to see doctor Levene and says, "Doctor, Iím suffering a terrible pains in the left shoulder."
Doctor Levene replies, "Nu, so what do you think? You're going to enjoy them?"

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