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This is the sixtyeighth set of jokes

(#1455) The birthday treat
Moshe asks his wife Sadie what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she says. So on her birthday, he gets up early, shakes Sadie awake, kisses her and says, "Happy birthday, Darling. Now please get up, Iím taking you on a surprise birthday outing."
She does as sheís told and off they go. After a 2-hourís drive, Sadie is surprised when they arrive at the "Kosher Munchkins Theme Park." And what a day she then has. Moshe makes her go on all the popular rides, including

the Kishkas Ache Water Slide
the Broyges Ghost House
the Menorah of Fear
the Meshuggeneh Roundabout
the Werewolf Mishpocheh
the Shikker Swing
the Cold Water Shpritz
the Sore Toches Dodgems
the Smelly Gatkes Tunnel
the Klutzy Mountain Railway
and the Loch in Kop Death Ride
In fact by the end of the afternoon, Moshe has forced Sadie to go on just about everything there is to go on. She staggers out of the theme park with her head going round and round and feeling very dizzy. But Moshe doesnít seem to notice. He takes her to McDavids where he orders her a Big Minkyburger with fries and a Pepsi.  Then, when they finish eating, he takes her to a movie and buys her a giant tub of popcorn and another Pepsi as they go into the cinema.
Finally they get back home. Sadie wobbles through the front door and with Moshe following behind her goes straight upstairs to collapse into bed. Her stomach feels like it has been forced inside out and she has a bad headache. Moshe leans over her and lovingly asks, "Well, darling, what was it like being six again?"
Sadie glares at him through her bloodshot eyes and says, "You shmuck, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.

(#1456) Home truth
When Shlomo arrives home one evening, he finds his wife Sarah crying.
"Whatís the matter?" he asks her.
"I went to doctor Myers today for a check up on my blood pressure and after heíd finished, he said I can't make love to you."
Morris asks, "How'd he find out?"

(#1457) Oy veh, Becky
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Harry is in very bad spirits when he comes home from work. His wife Becky can tell right away that something is wrong. "Alright Harry, what's the matter?"
"Oy veh, Becky, we lost everything we own in this world in the Stock Market crash today."
"Come," says Becky, "let's go for a walk around town, you'll feel better."
As theyíre walking around the city, Becky points out Minkyís Stores. "See that department store? We own it, Harry. And see that apartment building on the opposite corner? Well we own that too."
Walking down a little further they come to a photographic centre and again Becky points to the buildings and says, "We also own all of those. And like the other buildings, not a penny is owed on them."
By now Harry is very confused, so he stops and says to Becky, "You say we own free and clear the department store, the apartment building and the photographic centre. So tell me, how did you get them?"
"Well Harry, youíll remember that when we got married, from the first shtup onwards, I always made you put some money in my savings account. After 25 years of doing this - and youíre a great lover, donít forget, with insatiable demands, Ö..well, thatís how I got the buildings."
"Oy veh, Becky, I wish I had given you all my business. We could have owned half of London by now."

Shtup: making love

(#1458) Nought out of two
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
Abe's business in Glasgow fails and he climbs onto a bridge over the river to end it all.  A kind Glaswegian climbs up to persuade him to come down.
"Do you follow football?" he asks Abe.
"Yes I do," replies Abe.
"Do you support Glasgow Rangers by any chance?"
"No," replies Abe.
ďWell," asks the Glaswegian, "do you support Glasgow Celtic, then?"
Again Abe replies, "No."
"Then jump, you stupid atheist, jump," says the Glaswegian.

(#1459) Not enough
Sadie is arrested for shop lifting.  During her trial, which her husband Sidney attends, the judge asks her, ďHow old are you?"
"Iím 60, your Honor," replies Sadie.
"And what did you steal?" he asks.
Sadie replies, "A tin of peaches, your Honor."
"Why did you steal this tin?" asks the judge.
"Because I was hungry," replies Sadie.
The judge then asks, "And how many peaches were in the tin?"
"Five," replies Sadie.
The judge then says, "OK, I think five days in jail would be appropriate."
But before the judge can pronounce sentence, Sidney suddenly stands up and asks him, "Is it OK to give the court some more information?"
The judge replies, "Yes, I suppose so, if youíre brief. What is it?"
Sidney replies, "She also stole a can of peas."

(#1460) Sign in the window of Levyís Carpet Store

(#1461) Riddle - 1
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants - if youíve got a putz, it's not time.

Putz:  a penis

(#1462) Riddle - 2
Q: Why do Jewish women shtup with their eyes closed?
A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time.

Shtup: make love

(#1463) The anniversary
Max is in WHSmith looking for a suitable Wedding Anniversary greeting card. Heís been there for over 45 minutes, but heís not having any luck. An assistant notices Max lingering over one card after another and, being a helpful kind of person, goes over to him to see if she can help. "Is there a problem, sir?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," replies Max, "I can't find one mine Sarah will believe."

(#1464) The Jewish jogger
Moshe, at 50 years of age, decides to take up jogging. So remembering an advert he saw in the Jewish Chronicle, he goes to KOSHER RUNNERSí NEEDS to buy a pair of running shoes.  When he enters the shop, heís astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available. The assistant shows him one particular pair of shoes and says, "These might be the ideal shoes for someone of your age, sir. Theyíre called Nike Energy Savers."
As Moshe is trying them on, he notices the left shoe contains an unusual pocket next to the heel, so he asks the assistant, "What's this little pocket thing for?"
"You can carry spare change in there, sir," replies the assistant, "so you can call your wife to pick you up when you've jogged enough."

(#1465) Eating on his own
Issyís wife is unwell and so Issy is sitting in a restaurant on his own for a change. He spends a good deal of time looking at the menu and even when the waiter returns to take his order, Issy is still poring over the menu. The waiter clears his throat and asks, "Ahem, excuse me for asking, sir, but is there a problem with the menu?"
"No there isnít," Issy replies. "Itís just that my wife Betty usually tells me what I am allowed to eat, and sheís not here."
"That's no problem," says the waiter, "the soup of the day is chicken soup with lokshen and to make it real tasty we add giblets and chicken fat. ButÖ. Iím sure your wife would want you to have the tomato juice."
The waiter then continues. "Todayís special is potted flanken nosh-up. This is made with especially fatty meat to which we add potatoes and carrots and leave the whole caboodle in the oven for almost eight hours. We then serve it with home made challah bread for dipping into the gravy. ButÖ.. Iím sure your wife would want you to have the boiled chicken wings and rice."
On hearing this, Issy puts down the menu and says, "Nag nag, nag. That's all Betty ever does. I'm tired of her telling me what to do. I'll have the chicken soup and flanken nosh-up."

(#1466) The lesson
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Hannah is frying some eggs for her Samís breakfast when he suddenly enters the kitchen and goes over to the cooker.
"Careful with the eggs," Sam says, "be careful Ö. Now put in some more butter Ö. Oy veh, you're cooking too many eggs at once Ö. Thereís too many of them Ö. So turn them already, turn them now Ö. We need some more butter, but where are we going to get more butter? Ö.  They're going to stick Ö. I said theyíre going to stick Ö. Careful Ö. I said be careful Ö. Are you crazy? Ö. You never listen to me when you're cooking, never Ö. Hurry up, turn them now Ö. Don't forget to salt them, you know how you always forget the salt Ö. Use the salt now, use the salt, the salt, I said."
Hannah stares at him, "What on earth is wrong with you this morning? Donít you think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Sam calmly replies, "I just wanted to show you, dear, what it feels like when Iím driving with you in the car."

(#1467) Visit to a hotel
Rifka and Benjy, a 70 year old married couple, are on a long drive and decide to stop off for a nightís rest before continuing with their journey. So when they reach Minkyís Hotel, they go up to the desk and ask the clerk for a room.
"Iím sorry," he tells them, "all our normal rooms are taken. But donít worry, Iíve got the ideal room for a nice couple like you - the bridal suite."
"Donít be stupid," says Benjy, "we've been married for over 40 years. Why do you think we need the bridal suite?"
"Well," replies the clerk, "if I gave you the ballroom, would you have to dance?"

(#1468) Riddle - 3
Q: Whatís the name of the fairy story about an uncircumcised troll?
A: Rumpled Foreskin

(#1469) The trip to Israel - 1
Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.
Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

(#1470) The trip to Israel - 2
A voice is heard over the intercom at the start of an El Al flight to Israel.
"Welcome on board. Your stewardesses today are Naomi Jacobs, Miriam Goldberg and myself, Judith Kosiner. And we mustnít forget, of course, my son Paul, the pilot."

(#1471) The trip to Israel - 3
A voice was heard on Israeli Radio.
"This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but to you, 1825."

(#1472) Water problems
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
90 year old Issy goes to his doctor. "Doctor, Iím having trouble passing water."
"How long has this been happening?" asks the doctor.
"I havenít gone in three days," replies Issy.
"Well," says the doctor, "thatís not good news."
The doctor opens his drawer and gives Issy a large bottle of pills. "Take 2 of these pills as soon as you get home and then take two pills 3 times a day. Give me a call in 3 days time."
Issy goes home and starts his treatment. Three days later, he calls the doctor as requested.
"Are they working?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy.
So the doctor tells him to take four pills 3 times a day and to call him again in 3 days time.
Issy does as he is told and 3 days later he calls the doctor again.
"Are they working?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy.
The doctor then tells Issy to take ten pills 4 times a day and not to stray too far from the toilet. Issy does as requested. 3 days later, he calls the doctor again.
"Are they working now?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy, "and Iím getting very worried, doctor. It's been nearly two weeks since I last pished."
The doctor asks, "How old are you?"
"Iím nearly 91," replies Issy.
"Well," says the doctor, "then thereís no need to worry. Youíve pished enough in your life."

Pish: urinate

(#1473) Seminars for Jewish men, given by women lecturers

1. Combating stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS - learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. We do not want sleazy underwear for presents - give us money
5. Wonderful laundry techniques
6. Parenting - no, it doesn't end with conception
7. Get a life - learn to cook
8. How not to act like a moron when you're obviously wrong
9. You - the weaker sex
10. Reasons to give flowers
11. How to stay awake after sex
(#1474) Medical emergency
Rifka is out shopping in the West End of London one very hot and humid Sunday afternoon when suddenly a man faints at the junction between Oxford Street and Bond Street. Traffic quickly piles up in all directions.
Rifka sees the man collapse and rushes over to help him. But as she kneels down to loosen his collar, a man emerges from the crowd, pushes her aside and says, "It's all right, darling, I've taken a course in first aid."
Rifka stands up and watches as he takes the man's pulse and prepares to give artificial respiration. At this point Rifka taps him on the shoulder and says, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

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