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This is the sixtyfourth set of jokes

(#1375) The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasnít got the money to pay him back. Sheís being thrown out her house this week, sheís too ill to work and she canít feed her children."
"Itís a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. Iíll raise some money from the synagogue straight away Ė Iíll even donate £100 of my own money.  But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Donít be silly, rabbi," says the man, "Iím the moneylender."

(#1376) Bedtime games
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching, ĎWho Wants To Be A Millionaireí when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answers.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy.
"Yes," replies Hannah.
"Then I'd like to phone a friend," says Benjy.

(#1377) A question of flight
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels"

(#1378) A good sex life
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold been married, Becky?" asks Sadie.
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five years," replies Becky.
"Thatís a long time, Becky," says Sadie. "Howís your sex life been all this time?"
"Itís been OK," replies Becky, "especially the S&M."
"Youíre really into S&M?" asks Sadie with surprise.
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I have been into S&M for some time now Ė he snores and I masturbate."

(#1379) The operation results
Immediately following his expensive private operation, Victor awakes and sees his surgeon standing near his bed. He says to the surgeon, "Well, how did it go then?"
"Victor," replies the surgeon, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that we were able to save your testicles."
"Good," says Victor, "and whatís the bad news?"
"Theyíre under your pillow in a plastic bag," replies the surgeon.

(#1380) Identity problems
"Hello, have I dialled the right number for Benjy?"
"Ahah, mit whom you vish to talk?"
"Benjamin. Is Benjamin Levy at home?"
"Vat! At dis time of the day? Mr Levy is voiking."
"Well OK. Is his daughter Ruth at home then?"
"Ruth is mit boyfriend."
"OK. OK. How about his son Simon? Can I speak to him? Is he at home?"
"Simon? In de hospitel is Simon. He is gute docketor."
"It seems that no one is in. Am I talking to Mrs Levy?"
"Mrs Levy, she shoppink in de supermakkit."
"Well, who am I talking to, then?"
"Dis is Mildred, de au pair."

(#1381) Long lasting medicine
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it true, doctor, the medicine youíve just prescribed for me must be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued, "Well then, doctor, Iím wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription it says, ĎNO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONSí."

(#1382) The exact present
Sam was out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewellers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what have you just purchased Abe?" Sam asks.
"Well, now that youíve asked," replies Abe, "itís my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, ĎOh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a pack of cards."

(#1383) Its curtains for you
Becky walks into John Lewis department store's haberdashery department and says to the sales girl, "I'd like a pink curtain for my computer screen, please."
The sales girl is surprised by this request and replies, "But madam, computers don't have curtains."
"Becky says, "Maybe most, but mineís got Windows!"

(#1384) Groan!
[My thanks to Izzy C for the following]
Motze is a well respected 70-year-old Israeli tour guide who still works every day. He does most of his business with American tourists who have travelled with him before. They all seem to love him because if you ask any of them, they would reply, ĎMotze's tour ya sure oughta see.í

(#1385) New drugs being developed for men
In light of the success of Viagra, chemists are developing a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. Here are a few of them: -

(#1386) Five pieces of advice for women
1.  Itís important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
2.  Itís important that a man makes you laugh
3.  Itís important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you
4.  Itís important that a man loves you and spoils you
5.  Itís important that these four men don't know each other
(#1387) Bible story
Rebecca is reading a Bible story to her young daughter Emma. "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
Emma asks, "What happened to the flea, mummy?"

(#1388) Mr Grumpy
Moshe and Sadie, both in their seventies, are driving to Birchington-on-sea when they decide to stop at a nice country pub for a bite to eat. After finishing their meal, they get back into their car and continue on their journey. But 15 minutes after leaving, Sadie suddenly says, "Moshe, youíve got to turn around and go back to the pub. Iíve left my glasses on the table there."
"I donít believe it," Moshe shouts angrily at her, "you silly moo, youíll forget your head one day."
Moshe turns the car around and starts driving back to the pub. All the way there, heís grumpy and makes many snide comments like, "Your memory is getting really bad," and "Because of you, we wonít now be able to get to Birchington in time to see the sunset."  Even though the more he rebukes Sadie, the more agitated he becomes, he doesnít let up for the entire 15 minute drive back to the pub.
To Sadieís relief, they finally arrive back at the pub. As she gets out of the car and hurries inside to retrieve her glasses, Moshe yells to her, "And while you're in there, Sadie, you might as well get my hat. I left it in the cloakroom."

(#1389) Riddle
Q: Why would the average Jewish woman rather be pretty than smart?
A: Because the average Jewish man can see better than he can think.

(#1390) The sales pitch
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]
Emanuel was looking for a new job that would best make use of his skills. So one day he tries his hand selling second-hand cars at YINGATSH MOTORS.  Although he has no experience in this field, he is confident that he can succeed. On his first day, he tries to sell cars using the traditional approach by using phrases such as, "This car has only been driven by little old Kitty Cohen to go to Brent Cross shopping centre once a week," and "This car is almost brand new, just like my mumís Rosh Hashanah hat."
Emanuel uses this approach on every perspective buyer but none believes him and he doesnít sell a car all day. So next day he changes his sales pitch and sells three cars.
The manager of YINGATSH is so pleased with Emanuel that he calls him into his office and says, "Well done Manny, what did you do to make these sales?"
"Well," replies Emanuel, smiling, "the customers didn't believe my little old lady story so I told them the car was previously owned by Rebecca Love-Gold, a nymphomaniac who only used the back seat."

(#1391) Religious Quickies

(#1392) Change of address
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Itís Christmas 2004 and as Santa Claus is unloading a very heavy bag of gifts he suddenly mutters, "Oy Oy Oy!" instead of his usual "Ho Ho Ho!" He is shocked by this uncharacteristic uttering and takes it as divine inspiration. Soon after Christmas is over, he does some serious thinking on the matter. "Maybe Judaism is my new path? What would it actually mean if I converted to Judaism?"
"Well, firstly," he says to himself, "as there are only 3 million Jewish children to visit instead of 500 million Christian children, it would lessen my workload and decrease my stress. I was totally overworked and exhausted after this last Christmas."
"And thatís not all," Santa says to himself, "I would have eight days of Chanukah to deliver my gifts, instead of completing the entire lot in one night,"
He continues, "And most importantly, Jewish homes have delicious food to offer, such as gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the like. Gosh, my mouth is watering just thinking of them. Iíve been so bored with the traditional milk and cookies which always await me."
In the end, itís an easy decision for Santa to make. Even circumcision isnít necessary because that was taken care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in a tight chimney many years ago. So Santa shouts aloud, "So letís convert, already."
He leaves his North Pole home and opens up a new place of work in Golders Green. He fires all of those annoying elves and replaces them with nice Jewish retirees from Hendon, Finchley and Ilford. Then finally, he decides to legally change his name to something more in line with his new ethnic surroundings. So beginning Chanukah 2005, Santa Claus is to be known as The Clausenburger Rebbe.

(#1393) POEM: The night before Chanukah
[My thanks to BMS for the following]

'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!

The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.

And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.

When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter kocker
was making a kvitch.

I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?

He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:

"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush, on Ham,
My kidneys are kvelling,
do you give a damn?"

He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!

A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.

He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!"

He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"

So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kop!"

 From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!

They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"

So we sat and yentaíd,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)

He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;

And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"

And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontif to all,
Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"

(#1394) Last rites
[My thanks to Catherine DD for the following]
Sean, a Catholic, is struck by a bus on a busy street in Hendon. Heís lying near death on the pavement and a crowd begins to gather. Suddenly, in a painful voice, Sean shouts, "A priest. Please somebody, get me a priest!"
Minutes drag by but no priest appears. Then a policeman yells out, "A Priest! Please!  Isn't there a priest here to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps 80 year old Abe. "Mr. policeman," says Abe, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Hendon Avenue and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees and clears the crowd so Abe can get through to where Sean lay. Abe kneels down, leans over the prostrate Sean and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72 Ö"

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