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This is the fifty-ninth set of jokes

STOP PRESS:   (This is a true story, honest). A Spanish designer has invented a washing machine that encourages (forces, even) men to share the “washing of clothes” duties.
Question: How does the machine do this; how can any washing machine make lazy Jewish husbands get up and operate it when their wives are around to do it instead, you might ask?
Answer: Because it can’t be used by the same person twice in a row. It checks the user’s fingerprints and it won’t operate if it recognises the same prints twice in succession.
So if husbands want clean shirts, pants, and socks, they will just have to get off their backsides and learn to operate the washing machine.

(#1275) How to develop a GSOH (good sense of humour)
• RULE#1:  Never forget how to laugh
• RULE#2:  Never forget Rule#1

(#1276) The anniversary cruise
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their Ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision. "Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."

(#1277) Almost converted
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Christine and Daniel fall in love and decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish. So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice.
Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of crockery and a few other simple things."
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says Christine, "I can easily do that."
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva."
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?"
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?"
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."

(#1278) Salty story
[My thanks to Daniel R for the following]
Aaron is out shopping in Golders Green when he remembers that he has guests coming over for tea and needs to buy some tea bags. He goes into ‘Moshe the Grocer’ and starts looking for tea bags.  As he walks down the first aisle, he can’t help but notice that all the shelves are packed with bags of salt. Shelf after shelf, in aisle after aisle, all packed with bags of salt. So he calls for the manager.
"Can I help you?" says Moshe.
"Yes you can," replies Aaron, "I’ve come in here to buy some tea bags and all I can find is salt. What kind of grocer do you call yourself? It’s a bit pointless, isn’t it, just selling salt? I just don’t believe you can sell all this salt."
"I couldn’t agree with you more," says Moshe, "I personally can’t sell much salt, but oy veh, the sales rep who sold me the salt – can he sell salt!"

(#1279) The lawyer’s lament
[My thanks to Stan for the following]
Moshe the lawyer arrived home at 10pm and opened his front door. He was shattered after a day of trying to get a stay of execution for William Rite. This client of Moshe’s was due to be executed for murder at midnight and his last minute plea for clemency had failed. So as he entered his house, Moshe was understandably feeling very tired and depressed.
But when Moshe walked in, there was his Hetty waiting for him. "So what time of night do you call this?" she shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Too weary to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, Moshe walked past her, went into the front room, poured himself a large whiskey, downed it in one go, then headed upstairs for a relaxing hot bath – all the time pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
The phone rang while Moshe was in the bath and when Hetty answered it, she was told that Moshe’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Quickly realising what a day Moshe must have had, she felt sorry for him and went upstairs to give him the good news. As Hetty opened the bathroom door, all she saw of Moshe was his naked rear view as he was bending over drying his feet. "They're not hanging Rite tonight," she said to Moshe.
Immediately, Moshe whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Hetty, don't you ever stop?"

(#1280) At the country club
[My thanks to Ian for the following]
Aaron and Rivka move to the suburbs and join the new, very elite, Country Club. But just before their first meal at the club, Aaron is feeling somewhat anxious about Rivka’s lack of finesse and so decides to give her some advice.
"Rivka," he says, "ven ve go to dee club and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don't say `ah glass Manishevitz vine.'  At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz vine."
"Well, Aaron," she replies, "if I can’t esk for Manishevitz, vot should I esk for?"
"You should esk for ah Martini," replies Aaron, "every lady drinks Martini. You'll like it."
That evening at the club, as the smartly dressed drinks waiter arrives at their table to take their order, Rivka is ready.  "Madam, may I bring you a cocktail?"
Rivka replies, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."
"Dry?" asks the waiter.
"No," replies Rivka, "tzvei iz genug (two is enough)."

(#1281) Bits & pieces from the Jewish vaudeville comics
• I've been in love with the same woman for 40 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
• What are the three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?  "Darling, I'm home."
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
• She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• I was just in London - there is an 8-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
• The doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
• "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
• A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who’s working!"
• There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I let her out.
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I wish my brother would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

(#1282) At the races
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Jacob goes to the races for the first time. As soon as he arrives at Ascot, not knowing anything about horse racing, he goes straight to the paddock to take a closer look. To his surprise, Jacob sees a rabbi blessing one of the horses. Jacob thinks he must be onto a good thing so he writes down the number of the horse and places a £3 bet on it. The horse wins and Jacob wins £21.
Jacob immediately returns to the paddock and there, as before, he sees the rabbi blessing another horse. He writes down the number of this horse and bets his £21 winnings on it. It comes in first and Jacob now has over £100.
This process goes on race after race until Jacob has won £4,650.
It’s now time for the last race of the day and Jacob watches the rabbi bless the final horse. So confident is Jacob that, although the horse is a 20-1 outsider, he bets his entire £4,650 on it. But, Oy Veh, this time the horse struggles in last, a good 20 lengths behind the field.
Jacob is so upset with this outcome that he runs over to the rabbi and says angrily, "Why did every horse you bless win except the last one, rabbi? He came in last."
The rabbi replies, "That's the problem with you Reform Jews. You don't know the difference between a brocheh and a kaddish."

(#1283) Breaking the bad news
[My thanks to BRS for the following]
The time comes for Monty to break the news to his fiancée Leah. "Darling," he says, "I have some bad news. I’m breaking off our engagement."
"Oh why?" she sobs.
"Because I’m going to marry another woman."
"Why? Can she cook better than me?" sobs Leah.
"No, not even on her best days," Monty replies.
"And will she buy you expensive presents like I always do? Will she take you on holidays and pay for the trips as I do?"
"No, she can’t - she's not rich like you, she’s very poor."
"Well then," sobs Leah, "is it the sex? Has she done things to you better than I’ve done?"
"Absolutely no," replies Monty, "nobody makes love better than you."
"Then what on earth can she do that I can't?" Leah asks.
"Sue me for child support," replies Monty.

(#1284) Philosophical questions
Moshe thought himself to be a clever thinker, a philosopher, even. How do I know this? Well, he keeps on asking me questions such as,
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• If I went to a bookshop and asked for the self-help section, would it be defeating the purpose?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

(#1285) The converts
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
Benjamin is offered a high powered job as Head of Finance at Utah Life Assurance Inc. He and his Sarah sell their house in New York and move to Utah. But Benjamin is unaware that it had been a difficult decision for the ULA President to offer him the job.
Even after Benjamin starts work, the ULA directors continue to put pressure on the President behind Benjamin’s back. "We’re all Mormons on the board and we’ve never had someone Jewish on the board before. We find this very difficult to accept."  But they also know that Benjamin is proving to be the best. He’s a financial genius, a financial guru.
After much careful thought, the President decides on a course of action and calls Benjamin to his office. "I’m afraid I’ve run into some opposition to your appointment. If you want to keep your $400,000 a year position, you’ll have to convert.  Please let me know by tomorrow what you decide."
Benjamin has no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it’s easier than losing his great new job. So he goes home and tells Sarah, "It’s simple, from this Sunday we’ll be going to church with our children."
Over the months that follow, Sarah doesn’t stop nagging. "It’s so difficult for me…I miss shul…shabbes….lighting the candles…kiddush…festivals etc. You know Benjamin, money isn’t everything."
The more she nags him, the worse Benjamin’s conscience bothers him, until finally he’s had enough. He goes back to the ULA President. "I can’t go on like this, sir, my troubles are eating me up inside. Money isn’t everything to me. Neither I nor Sarah can sleep at night.  It’s too much for us. I made the wrong decision. We were born Jews and we want to die Jews. If you want me to quit, I’ll go without making a fuss."
The president looks at him in amazement and says, "Listen Benjamin, I had no idea it was so tough for you. I thought switching religions would be simple. But you are doing an excellent job here and I don’t want to loose you. Stay here and you can be as Jewish as you want - I’ll take care of the directors."
Benjamin goes home to Sarah feeling absolutely great. "Our troubles are over at last, darling," he says to her, "I’ve spoken to the President and he’s letting me keep my job and he said we can go back to being Jewish immediately."
Sarah looks at him with anger in her eyes. "Tell me, are you stupid or what?"
Benjamin is shocked. "But I thought that was what you wanted all along, to be Jewish once more. Don’t you want to go back to being Jewish?"
Sarah looks very upset and replies, "Of course I do, but now, just 2 weeks before Pesach?"

(#1286) Aren’t children fantastic?
[My thanks to Sue for the following]
1. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked. I was still in shock when I heard my 5 year old daughter Suzy shout from the back, "Mummy, she isn't wearing a seat belt."
2. My 4 year old son Benjy came running out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush down the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the bin. Benjy stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then mummy, because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
3. Little Moshe got lost at the Maccabi club and found himself in the women's changing room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running to hide. Moshe watched in amazement and shouted, "What's wrong, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
4. While working for my shul delivering lunches to elderly Jewish women living at home, I used   to take my 4 year old daughter Esther with me. She was always intrigued by the various appliances of old age, such as walking sticks, zimmer frames and wheelchairs. One day I found Esther staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a   glass of water. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this."
5. When 4 year old Sam opened the family bible, something fell out of it. He picked up the object and looked at it. It was old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. "Mummy, look what I found," he said. "What have you found, bubbeleh?" I asked. Sam replied, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

(#1287) The stork brought you
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for the following]
One day, 5 year old Arnold asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Arnold, my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out so I’ll tell you. Well, you see your mummy and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail to meet her at a cyber-cafe. We then sneaked into a secluded room where your mummy agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said, 'You've Got Male!'"

(#1288) The sleeper
Issy is sitting in shul one shabbes morning when he falls asleep and starts to snore. The shammes quickly comes over to him, taps him softly on his shoulder and says, "Please stop your snoring, Issy, you’re disturbing the others in the shul."
"Now look here," says Issy, "I always pay my shul subscription in full so I feel I have a right to do whatever I want."
"Yes, I agree," replies the shammes, "but your snoring is keeping everybody else awake."

(#1289) I’m ashamed
Howard is one of the laziest men around and refuses to look for a job. One day, as he is lying flat out on the couch, his wife Becky says to him, "I'm so ashamed of the way we live, Howard."
"What do you mean by that?" Howard asks.
"Surely I don’t have to remind you," she replies, "that we are so poor, my mother buys our kosher food, my father pays our mortgage and your sister buys our clothes. Why, even your aunt has just bought us a car. Aren’t you just a little bit ashamed?"
Howard sits up on the couch and replies, "You should be ashamed too. Benjy and Jacob, your two worthless brothers, have never given us a penny."

(#1290) Signs on Synagogue Notice Boards
• Under the same management for over 5763 years
• Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbes
• Don't give up.  Even Moses was once a basket case!
• Come to shul early for a good seat
• What part of, "Thou shalt not….," don't you understand?

(#1291) The bris
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
The bris is over. Baby Sam has been circumcised and the rabbi, family and friends have all left the house. Moshe and Sadie are quietly sitting in their lounge when their 4 year old son Benny comes crying into the room. Sadie asks him what is wrong.
Benny sobs, "In his speech, Rabbi Bloom said he wants us brought up in a Jewish home - and I want to stay with you guys!"

(#1292) Miracle cure
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.  A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

(#1293) Sinai tourist
Peter, a tourist wondering through the Sinai desert, gets lost and very soon is very tired and desperate for some water.  Then, just when he had given up hope, he sees in the distance a tiny oasis, consisting of a few palm trees.  When he arrives, he sees a sign saying MOSHE’S TIE WAREHOUSE and there, sitting under one of the trees in the shade is Moshe himself.
Moshe is reading the Jerusalem Post. Next to him is a table displaying dozens of different kinds of patterned coloured ties. So Peter goes over to Moshe and asks for some water.
Moshe says, "I'm sorry, but I don't have any water. However, since you're here, would you like to buy a tie?"
Peter is angry. "What good is a tie to me in my condition? Can't you see that all I need is some water? You know where you can stuff your fancy ties."
Moshe says, "It’s no good being rude to me. If you don’t want a tie, then don’t buy a tie. Whether you do or not is up to you. But the fact of the matter is that I still don’t have any water for you."
As Peter begins to walk away, Moshe calls him back and pointing, says, "OK, I'll tell you where you can get some water. If you walk in that direction for about 30 minutes, you’ll come to a restaurant.  It's owned by my brother Max and there you'll be able to get plenty of food and water. So Peter starts walking and soon disappears over the sand dunes. Moshe just continues to read his paper.
Two hours later Peter returns to Moshe’s Tie Warehouse, crawling on his hands and knees. He is now extremely desperate for water and practically on his last breath. Moshe asks, "So what happened? Didn't you find Max’s restaurant? "
"Oh, I found the restaurant alright," gasped Peter, "but Max wouldn't let me in without a tie."

(#1294) Biblical riddles - 1
Q:  Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
A:  Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q:  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A:  Pharaoh’s daughter - she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q:  What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A:  Ruth-less.

Q:  What kind of motor vehicle is mentioned in the Bible?
A:  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q:  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A:  Samson - he brought the house down.

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