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This is the fifty-sixth set of jokes

(#1215) Elephant papers
There is a story told of an Oxford University professor who decided to ask his students to write a paper on the elephant. This is what he got back from them.

(#1216) The coughing fit
Moshe and Sadie are in shul one shabbes when in the middle of the service Sadie suddenly develops a coughing and sneezing fit. It lasts nearly two minutes. Later, at the end of the service, as Moshe is waiting outside for Sadie to come down from the ladies gallery, a friend comes up to him and says, "I feel really sorry for your Sadie. That must have been a very embarrassing few minutes for her, the way she was coughing and sneezing. I noticed most of the congregation was looking at her."
"Really?" says Moshe, "then she will be pleased when I tell her – she was wearing a new hat."

(#1217) Love bragging
Victor, Cyril and Abe met up in Brent Cross shopping centre for a chat and a coffee. Victor says, "Do you two know that last night I made love to mine Leah three times and this morning, as soon as I awoke, she told me how much she loved me."
"Mazeltov," says Cyril, "but last night I made love to mine Sarah four times and this morning, as soon as I awoke, she told me I must be the world’s greatest lover."
Abe doesn’t say a word and just takes another sip of his coffee. So his two friends ask him how many times he had made love last night.
"Vell if you must know," replies Abe, "I made love to mine Becky vonce."
"Only once?" says Cyril, "And what did Becky say to you this morning?"
"She said, ‘Don’t stop!’"

(#1218) Keeping the family together
Ethel goes to see Doctor Myers and tells him that she is feeling constantly tired and exhausted, especially after making love.
"So how often do you make love, Ethel?" asks Doctor Myers.
"I make love every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, doctor," she answers.
"Well," says Doctor Myers, "maybe you should cut out Wednesdays?"
"No, that’s not really a good idea," says Ethel, "that’s the only night I’m home with mine Arnold."

(#1219) Feelings
Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I’ve broken off my engagement to Moshe."
"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I’m so sorry. Why?"
"Because my feelings towards Moshe have changed – they just aren’t the same anymore," replies Sharon.
"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"
"No I’m not," replies Sharon, "my feelings towards the ring haven’t changed."

(#1220) A surprise restaurant visit
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy.
"Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif (non kosher food)? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food."
"Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?"
"And did you see me order this food?"
"And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?"
"And did you then see me eat the food?"
"Then I don't see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."

(#1221) Help for men - words & phrases used by women
[My thanks to Stan C for the following]

“Fine”: This is the word she uses to end an argument when she is right and you need to shut up.

“5 minutes”: If she’s getting dressed, this means 30 minutes. It only means 5 minutes if you have been given just 5 more minutes to stay on the computer before helping her with the housework.

“Nothing”: This is the calm before the storm. It means "something". So be on your guard because arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in "fine".

“Go ahead”: This is a dare, not a permission to do it. SO DON'T DO IT.

“Loud sigh”: Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are stupid and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing".

“That's OK”: One of the most dangerous statements that she can make to a man. It means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

“Thanks”: This is the least used word in her vocabulary. If she’s thanking you, don’t question it. Just say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.

(#1222) She, not me
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Peter, Chris and Abe had all recently got married and were bragging about how they had given their new wives household duties.
Peter said, "I told my wife on our first day of marriage that she, not me, was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days but on the third day, I came home to a clean house with all the dishes washed and put away."
Chris said, "I went a bit further. I told my wife that not only was she to do all the cleaning and the dishes but she, not me, was to do the cooking as well. Like Peter, it was on the 3rd day that I came home to a clean house, dishes were done and I had a huge dinner on the table."
Abe said, "I married a Jewish girl and I told her in no uncertain terms that she, not me, had to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table as soon as I got home. Like you two, it wasn’t until the 3rd day that things got better. By then, most of the swelling had gone down and I could see a little out of my left eye, enough to fix myself something to eat, load the dishwasher with my dirty washing and start mowing the lawn.

(#1223) Let’s go
The regulations at Golders Green Hospital require a wheelchair to be provided for all patients being discharged. So when Michelle, a student nurse, was told that the patient in Room 50 was being discharged, she found a wheelchair and took it to the room. When she entered, there was Moshe, an elderly man, fully dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. "OK, lets go," she told him, "just pop into the wheelchair and I’ll take you downstairs."
Moshe argued with her. "But I don’t need your help to go downstairs, nurse. I’m not that old. I can do it perfectly well by myself."
But no matter how hard he insisted that he didn't need her help to leave the hospital, Michelle was more insistent. "You just have to leave in the wheelchair, no matter how fit you think you are – it’s the rules," she said, "You can’t change them."
So very reluctantly, Moshe let Michelle wheel him to the lift. On their way down, Michelle asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," Moshe said, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

(#1224) Age matters
Avrahom is a lively 75 year old widower. He is also very rich. One day, he turns up at the Kosher K restaurant in Hendon to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead on his arm. She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Avrahom’s every word with great attention. All his friends think she is as sexy a lady as they have seen for years.
When she excuses herself to go to the ladies, Avrahom’s friends rush over to him. "Avrahom, how did you manage to get such a lovely girlfriend?" they ask.
"Girlfriend?" says Avrahom looking upset, "what do you mean girlfriend? Naomi is my wife."
They were shocked. "So how did you persuade Naomi to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Avrahom replies.
"Don’t tell us that you told Naomi that you were only 50?"
"Of course not," smiles Avrahom, "I told her I was 90."

(#1225) The 2 questions
[My thanks to Ian for the following]
Rabbi Bloom gets on a tube train on its way to Golders Green. As soon as the doors close, a priest gets up, goes over to the rabbi and says, "Good morning rabbi. I have a question to ask you. Why is it that everybody thinks Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
Rabbi Bloom, who is not up for an argument, says, "I’m sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi and I’m not really able to participate in such a discussion."
But the priest insists. "Look, no harm meant rabbi, but I have a theory and I need to test it out in the form of a bet. I’ll pay you £100 if you can ask me a question that I can't answer. But if I can ask you a question that you can't answer, you must pay me £100."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "But I’m a poor rabbi - I only have £10 on me."
The priest hesitates then says, "OK, rabbi, it’s my £100 against your £10."
Rabbi Bloom realises he can't get out of this so he agrees, but on condition that he asks the first question. The priest agrees.
"OK," says Rabbi Bloom, "what animal has scaly skin, the body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a mouse, webbed toes and swims under water?"
Surprised, the priest admits that he doesn't know and asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it. The rabbi agrees.
2 minutes later, the priest takes £100 from his wallet and gives it to the rabbi. The priest then asks the rabbi, "So what animal was it?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "How should I know?" and gives the priest £10.

(#1226) The advert
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
Bernie has been ill for some months and then suddenly dies. As is the custom, his wife Sadie puts an advert in the ‘deaths’ section of the Jewish Chronicle, but this advert is slightly unusual – it states that Bernie died of gonorrhoea. Immediately, a close friend of Bernie rings Sadie to complain.
"Sadie," he says, "you know full well that Bernie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea. So why did you word the advert incorrectly?"
"I looked after Bernie day and night for over 3 months," replies Sadie, "so of course I know he died of diarrhoea. But I thought it would be best for people to remember Bernie as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he was."

(#1227) The cure
Faye goes to her doctors’ surgery and is seen by Dr Myers, a new young doctor who has just joined the practice. Within five minutes of talking to the doctor, Faye bursts out of his consulting room and runs crying out loudly down the hall. Fortunately, the receptionist is able to stop her and makes her take a seat. When Faye has calmed down, the receptionist asks, "Faye, what’s the matter? Tell me what’s happened."
After listening to her story, the receptionist says, "Wait her, Faye, I’ll sort this out for you here and now."
The receptionist strides purposely down the hall to Dr Myers room and enters. "Doctor, what's the matter with you? Mrs Cohen is nearly 60years old and has two grown up children and four grandchildren. Yet you just told her that she’s pregnant? How could you do such a thing?"
Dr Myers replies, without looking up from making his notes, "Nu? Does she still have the hiccups?"

(#1228) Appearances can be deceptive
It’s Friday and Moshe is in Shanghai on business. He asks the hotel’s concierge whether there’s a shul nearby. There is, so he gets instructions on how to get there and arrives just before the start of evening service.  Moshe is amazed. It’s the largest shul he’s ever seen and not only that, it’s packed with Chinese worshippers. He is lucky and finds the last available seat.
All through the service, Moshe notices the rabbi looking over to where he’s sitting and just before the service ends, the rabbi makes his way over to where Moshe is sitting.
"Where are you from?" the rabbi asks.
"I am from Golders Green in London," replies Moshe.
"Are you Jewish?" asks the rabbi.
Moshe replies, "But of course I am."
Then the rabbi says, "funny, you no rook Jewish."

(#1229) Signs of ageing (men)

First you forget names
Then you forget faces
Then you forget to pull up your zip
Then (even worse) you forget to pull it down.
(#1230) Good answer
Hyman wakes up one morning with a hangover. He forces his eye open and looks around his bedroom. First thing he sees is a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on his bedside table.  He sits up and notices everything is so tidy. His clothes are on a chair next to the bed, cleaned and ironed and the bedroom itself is airy, sweet smelling and spotlessly clean. He takes two of the aspirins and slowly walks downstairs. He notices everything is so clean and tidy. Downstairs, on the kitchen door, is a note which reads,
"Darling, your breakfast is on the hob. I had to leave early to go shopping. See you soon. Love you. Freda XXXXX."
Hyman goes into the kitchen and finds his son Paul watching TV whilst eating his cereal. And there, waiting for him on the hob, as the note said it would be, is his breakfast – scrambled eggs, tomatoes, baked beans and toast. And there is a clean, folded, unread Times newspaper on his chair.
Hyman asks, "Paul, what on earth happened last night? I can’t remember a thing."
"Well dad," Paul replies, "you came home at one o’clock in the morning very drunk and singing rude songs very loudly. You were sick in the hallway and then you fell over and went to sleep when you tripped over the dog."
Hyman is very confused. "Paul, I don’t understand – why is everything so clean and tidy, including my clothes, and why is my favourite breakfast waiting for me? From what you’ve just told me, I don’t deserve any of this."
Paul responds, "Oh that’s easy to explain, dad. When mum dragged you upstairs to the bedroom and tried to take off your trousers, you shouted angrily at her, ‘Leave me alone, I'm a married man.’"

(#1231) Heavenly needs
Rabbi Bloom was testing the children in his Sunday Hebrew class to see if they understood the concept of going to heaven. So he asked them, "Boys and girls, if I sold my house and my car and gave all the money to the shul, would that let me go to heaven?"
"No," the children shouted out.
"OK," said the rabbi, "if I cleaned the shul every day, washed all our stained glass windows, inside and out and kept every prayer book neat and tidy on the shelves, would that let me go to heaven?"
Again, the answer shouted out was, "No."
Rabbi Bloom was beginning to really enjoy this ‘test’.
"Well then children," he asked, "if I was the kindest person in the whole world to animals and if I gave pieces of halva and kosher sweets to every boy and girl in North London and if I promised never to shout at any of you, would that let me go to heaven?"
Again, all the children shouted out, "No."
"Well," Rabbi Bloom continued, "how then can I get to heaven?"
With that, Aaron, a six year old, shouted out, "You’ve got to be dead, rabbi."

(#1232) Shul goer
As Daniel and his wife Naomi are coming out of shul one shabbes, she says to him, "That Robson girl has put on a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she’s pregnant. What do you think?"
"The Robson girl? If she was there, I didn't see her," replies Daniel.
"And did you see that flirty Sharon Kay winking at the boys? Disgraceful, don’t you think, dear?"
"I must have been looking the other way when this happened," he replies.
"And what do you think about the short dress Rivkah Levy was wearing? That can’t be the right thing for a mother of three children to wear in shul. Don’t you agree, dear?" asks Naomi.
"Sorry darling," replies Daniel, "but I didn’t notice her dress."
"Well then, you must have seen Kitty Usum drinking all those glasses of wine during Kiddush," she says.
"I wasn't watching Kitty," says Daniel.
"Oh for goodness sake," shouts Naomi, "I don’t know why you bother to go to shul these days."

(#1233) Where is a man’s brain?
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
No one knows how it happened but once upon a time a female brain cell, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.  She looked around nervously, but all around her was empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried out, but she got no answer.
So she cried out a little louder, "Is there anyone here?" but still she got no answer.
Feeling very much alone and getting quite scared, she yelled out at the top of her voice, "Hello, hello, is there anyone here?"
Then, at last, she heard very faint voices from a long way away ......"Hello, we're all down here."

(#1234) In praise of women over 55

Most elderly men praise women over 55 for all the above reasons and more. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smartly dressed, well made up woman over 55, there’s a bald, paunchy, tired-looking man making a fool of himself flirting with some young waitress.

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