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This is the fourth set of jokes
(#117) Adam’s payment
After Adam was created, there he was, all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
(#118) The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"
John confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you...."
"Don't be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."
(#119) The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don't know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there. But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA. We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!" and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn't believe it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!"
(#121) The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#122) The Indian holiday
Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London, goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
"Why India? It's filthy, very hot, and it's filled to the brim with Indians. It's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home."
(#123) The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"
(#124) Jewish Quickies
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
A: Because they are worth it.
Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering.
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst
waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head
and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”
(#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
(#126) The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
(#127) Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly, take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
(#128) How he got his job
David has done well for himself and is Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers stops and calls out
"What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to laugh. "You don't realise how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"
(#129) What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
(#130) The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
(#131) Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
Somehow, they've been lucky and manage to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand, we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the shiva."
(#132) The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
(1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
(2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
(3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
(4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
(5)Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
(6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
(7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
(8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(9)Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
(#133) The Jewish dog
Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says Nathan, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
"You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants to be a marketing manager."
(#134) The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for the Jewish National Fund."
(#135) Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
(#136) Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness - I'd thought I'd gone deaf."
- Hello, that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty punds?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...
(#138) The rowing crew
Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided to put together a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University team.
So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid in the bullrushes off the river from where he carefully watched the Oxford team as they practised.
Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."
(#139) Two little boys talking
“I'm getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“I had that done when I was just a few days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn't walk for a year.”
(#140) Madame Sadie
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?"
(#141) Sir Chicken Matthews
A Sunday League Jewish football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a kosher chicken in their team.
Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the referee.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref. and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I had no choice - Professional Fowl"
(#142) The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."
(#143) Giving to charity
Leah gives 50p to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she had done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 50p I gave you, darling?"
"I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
"Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow you will have £1."
The next day, true to her word, Leah gives Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the coin.
"What did you do with the £1?"
"Oh, today I saw the same old woman," begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
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