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This is the forty-ninth set of jokes

(#1075) Wear it for 3 weeks
[My thanks to Jack L for the following]
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, itís a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"

(#1076) The important discussion
[My thanks to Stephen for the following]
Leah and Rose always meet every week at Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, weíve talked about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weatherís like in Bournemouth, and our Rabbiís recent poor sermon. Next time we meet, why donít we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it wonít go with your green tablecloth."

(#1077) Lifeís little problems
[My thanks to Malcolm for the following]
One day, as Rachel is cleaning her daughter's bedroom, she notices a letter on the pillow addressed to her. With a worried feeling, Rachel reads the letter. This is what it said.

Dear Mum,
Iím sorry to have to tell you this but Iíve eloped with my new boyfriend. Heís so different, Mum. What with his pierced tongue, his tattoos and his big motorcycle, Iíve found real passion with him. But thatís not all.  I'm pregnant. But donít worry, Mick says that we will be very happy living in his caravan. He even shares my dream of having a big family and he wants to have more children with me.
Heís very clever as well. Heís taught me how to grow marijuana and I agree with him that it doesn't hurt anyone. So we'll be growing it not only for us but also all his friends.
Don't worry about our finances. Mick has arranged for me to appear in some homemade video films. I can earn £150 per scene, more if there are three men involved. But don't worry, I'm 15 years old and know how to take care of myself.
In the meantime, Mum, please pray that science will soon find a cure for AIDS. Mick deserves to get better.

Love Rebecca

PS    This letter is not true Ė itís all make believe. Actually, I'm at our neighbour's house. I just wanted to prove to you that there are worse things in life than denting your Lexus car.

(#1078) Chanukah cards
Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have 50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to this already?  OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps please."

(#1079) Career mapping
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."

(#1080) Man versus machine
On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While heís waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform Ė the sign on it says itís a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a £1 coin and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan canít believe what heís just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another £1 coin. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and youíre waiting for the 7.35am train to take you to your job at Rothschildís Bank."
He is totally shocked, but heís determined to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin.  He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another £1 coin. The machine instantly says, "Youíre still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. Youíre also a shmuck(*). While youíve been testing me out, youíve just missed your train."
(*) shmuck Ė stupid ass

(#1081) A round excuse
Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -
ĎDr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.í

(#1082) Jewish Eskimos?
Issy and Daniel, the well-known anthropologists, were having a discussion. "Daniel, do you think there are any Jewish Eskimos about?"
"I donít know," replies Daniel, "but why donít we go see for ourselves?"
Two weeks later theyíre in Alaska. As they ask around, they are consistently directed to one particular, very ornate igloo. When they go inside, they find a family of four Eskimos sitting around an ice table munching candles - and they werenít ordinary candles. From the cardboard boxes on the table, Issy and Daniel could clearly see that they were Yahrtzeit candles.
Surprised by this revelation, Issy turns to the Eskimo father and says, "Weíve noticed the candles - are you Jewish by any chance?"
"No," came the reply, "we just like Jewish food."

(#1083) The homecoming surprise
Yitzhak was not the kind of person you would expect any sympathy from. Whenever something bad happened to anyone, he would always shrug his shoulders and say, "Well, look on the bright side - it could have been worse."
One day, something terrible happened to the married couple living next door to Yitzhak - the husband came home early from work and caught his wife in bed with another man, so he shot both his wife and her lover, then killed himself.
Soon, crowds began to gather in the street and many were in a state of shock. But as usual, Yitzhak shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, look on the bright side - it could have been worse."
They all recoiled in horror. "Donít be so stupid," they told him, "how on earth could it have been any worse?"
Yitzhak replied, "Well, if the husband had come home early yesterday instead of today, I would be dead now."

(#1084) Fairy story
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, "Daddy, could you please tell me what Ďfrugalí means."
"Yes, of course, replies her father, "it means something like - to save."
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her homework. Later, her father goes over to see how sheís getting on. Heís reading her story when he comes across the following: -

ĎThe beautiful princess Sarah slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldnít swim she starting shouting out, "Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me."
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived happily ever after.
The End.í
(#1085) The offer
[My thanks to Stan Cohen for the following]
Avrahom is a 50 year-old single guy who owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow gets confused about how to pay an invoice heís just received, so he asks Sylvia, his secretary, to come into his office.
Avrahom sits her down next to him and says, "Sylvia, if I were to give you £22,000, minus 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and replies, "Everything but my jewellery."

(#1086) Yes itís true
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware Bagel Factory. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved in with you. Is this true Harry?"
"Yes itís true," replies Harry.
"And I also hear that sheís recently become quite ill," says Nathan.
"Yes itís true," replies Harry.
"In fact, I hear that sheís so ill that sheís been taken into hospital," says Nathan.
"Yes its true," replies Harry.
"So how long has she been in hospital?" asks Nathan.
"In two days time, please God, it will be 2 weeks," replies Harry.

(#1087) Good advice
Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance."

(#1088) Motherly advice
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away - you want a nosebleed?"

(#1089) Top Internet acronyms

LOL:                   Laugh out loud
BRB:                  Be right back
MG:                    Oh my god
VBG:                  Very big grin
OTOH:               On the other hand
GMTA:               Great minds think alike
A/S/L:                Age, sex, location
SITD:                 Still in the dark
IMHO:                In my humble opinion
ROTFLMAO:    Rolling on the floor, laughing my arse off
(#1090) For computer nerds only
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who donít.

(#1091) Sign in butcherís window

Strictly Kosher
The shochet kills himself every morning
(#1092) Wrong start
Morry was a newly qualified English teacher and the first job he was given was to teach English to prisoners inside Wormwood Scrubs jail. His problem was that he had no idea of the prisonersí level of education. So to get round this, he decided to begin his first class by asking a basic question, "Okay guys, who can tell me what a sentence is?"

(#1093) Progressive discussion
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were Ďprogressiveí reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by their synagogues. Rabbi Levy said, "weíre very modern Ė we allow mobile phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all over the synagogue."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," weíve installed a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty during services Ė we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes and new green cucumbers."
"Thatís nothing to what we do, my friends," said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays."

(#1094) A womanís lament
Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay, Shlomo."
"Whatís wrong, Becky?" he asks.
"I was thinking about myself this morning and I couldnít believe just how things have got worse now that Iím chronologically challenged(*). I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet and canít feel my toes. Iíve survived a triple-heart bypass operation and had both my hips replaced. Iím loosing the sight in my right eye and my hearing is terrible. Iíve got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating."
"And thatís not all, Shlomo. Iím sure Iím suffering from senile dementia Ė I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79. Iím also sure Iím suffering from senile dementia Ė I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79."
"But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts. But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."
(*) chronologically challenged Ė old

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