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This is the forty-seventh set of jokes

STOP PRESS: (true story)
Figs, as you know, have been the butt of much lavatorial humour. But figs have positive medical benefits for us. They have been used for thousands of years to fight ailments such as constipation, bronchitis, mouth disorders, wounds and gonorrhoea. In traditional Arabian medicine, figs are also used to treat conjunctivitis, leprosy and haemorrhoids. And don’t forget there was a fig tree in the Garden of Eden! Now scientists are saying they can prevent harmful bacteria in food, such as E-Coli and salmonella. So much so that US researchers are suggesting fig juice be added to food products to make them safer. So figs are no laughing matter now.

(#1035) Saved in Bournemouth
Moshe was on holiday in Bournemouth to celebrate his 70th birthday. It was a nice day so he decided to go for a swim. But he had only been out for 5 minutes when a huge wave came from nowhere and swept him out to sea.
"Oy Vay," cried Moshe, "Help! Help me someone, please. I’m drowning."
Fortunately, a lifeguard heard his cries and swam out to him. He gripped Moshe tightly and swam back to the shore with him. As soon as he got Moshe onto dry land, the lifeguard gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 5 minutes later, Moshe sat up – he was saved.
The lifeguard helped Moshe to his feet and said, "If I were you, sir, I’d take it easy for the rest of the day. Why don’t you go back to your hotel and put your feet up?"
As the lifeguard turned to walk away, Moshe whispered to a lady next to him, "Excuse me, but could you help me please. How much does one tip for a thing like that?"

(#1036) Getting back
Issy goes to see Rabbi Levy.
"Rabbi," he says, "you remember Sarah and I got divorced last year?"
"Yes Issy, I remember."
"Well Rabbi, the thing is, my friends are telling me that Sarah is feeling very sorry she divorced me. They think she wants to get back with me. What do you think I should do?"
"Nothing," said Rabbi Levy, "do absolutely nothing."
"You seem so sure about this, Rabbi. Why?"
"Yes, Issy, I am," replied Rabbi Levy. "You see, wives are very much like fishermen - complaining about the one they caught, and bragging about the one that got away."

(#1037) Coffee maker
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won't have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But you’re in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don't mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I’ll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ‘Hebrews’.

(#1038) Hanna’s kosher Christmas
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.

(#1039) Good dinner dates
Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. "After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine."
"Why do you say that?" asks Sharon.
"Well," replies Hannah, "they start out as grapes and it's up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."

(#1040) He’s missing
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any calls from him to say he’d be late. She rang Bernie’s office, but there was no reply and she rang Bernie’s mobile, but it was switched off. By 9pm, she was very worried. She rang all the people who might have known where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the duty officer, "I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me."
"OK, madam, " he replied, "calm down. I just need you to answer a few simple questions."
“Ask away, " she replied.
"First of all, can you describe him for me? I need this so we can put out a search for him."
"Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front teeth….he wears thick old fashioned glasses….and he’s…wait a minute officer, I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him."

(#1041) School test
During a maths lesson at school, the teacher points to little Benny and asks, "Benny, what’s 3 percent?"
Benny sits for a while shaking his head and then replies, "You’re right Miss, what’s 3 percent?"

(#1042) Entry to heaven
Fay’s son Harry is always getting into mischief, and she is getting quite exasperated by his antics. One day, Fay says to him, "Harry, how do you expect to get into Heaven when you’re always so naughty?"
Harry thinks about this question for a little while, then replies, "Well, mum, I'll run in and out and in and out and I’ll keep on slamming the
gates of heaven until the angel at the gates says, 'For heaven's sake, Harry, come in or stay out.'"

(#1043) Chronologically challenged
At age   4 success is……..not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is……..having friends.
At age 16 success is……..having a driver’s license.
At age 20 success is……..having sex.
At age 35 success is……..having money.
At age 50 success is……..having money.
At age 60 success is……..having sex.
At age 70 success is……..having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is……..having friends.
At age 80 success is……..not peeing in your pants.

(#1044) Alphabet for the aged

A     arthritis
B     bad back
C     chest pains; cardiac
D     dental decay; decline
E     eyesight
F     fissures; fluid retention
G     gas; gastrointestinal glitches
H     high blood pressure
I     itches
J     joints (stiff)
K     knees
L     libido
M     memory; memory; memory
N     nerve (pinched); neurosis
O     osteo-(anything)
P     psoriasis
Q     queasiness
R     reflux
S     sleeplessness
T     tinnitus
U     urinary
V     vertigo
W     worry
X     X ray
Y     years gone by
Z     zeal (undiminished)
(#1045) Gentile jokes
As you know, there are over 1,000 Jewish jokes on the awordinyoureye website, so to make a change, here are some Gentile jokes.
Gentile joke No.1: A man goes into a menswear shop and sees a jacket he likes so he says to the assistant, "That’s a lovely jacket - how much is it?"
The assistant replies, "It's £300, sir."
The man says, "OK, I'll take it."

Gentile joke No. 2: Two men meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it doing?"
The second one replies, "Just great! Thanks for asking."

Gentile joke No. 3: Two mothers are talking about their children. The first says, proudly, "My son is a construction worker!"
The second then says, even more proudly, "My son is a lorry driver. Isn’t it nice to have such hard working children."

Gentile joke No. 4: A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up - I can't make it."
His mother replies, "OK."

Gentile joke No. 5: A married couple are in a smart restaurant and the husband says to the waiter, "I'll have the steak with some green salad and my wife will have the roast pork. And we'll both have coffee after the meal."
The waiter asks, "How would you like your steak and salad prepared, sir?"
The man replies, "I'd like the steak medium, the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."

Gentile joke No. 6: A man calls his elderly mother and says, "Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She replies, "I feel fine, son, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."

Gentile joke No. 7: A woman meets an old friend. The friend asks, "How’s your son?"
The woman says, "He's fine, thank you. He was 40 last week."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"Oh he lives at home with me. I don't think he'll ever get married."
The friend says, "How nice."

(#1046) Back to front
80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, "Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?"
The dispatcher says to her, "Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible."
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, "Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake."

(#1047) Forest drive
Avrahom is walking down Edgware High Street one day when a smart Lexus saloon draws up next to him. Who should be in it but his friend Yitzhak.
Avrahom asks Yitzhak, "Where did you get such a nice car, Yitzhak?"
"My girlfriend Sarah gave it to me. "
"Mazeltov. I knew Sarah has been telling everyone that she’s in love with you, but … to give you such a car?"
"Well, even I admit it was very strange," says Yitzhak. "We were out driving in Sarah’s car in Epping Forest when she suddenly drove into a small covered area hidden from the road. She then got out the car, took off all her clothes and said to me, ‘Yitzhak, take whatever you want.’"
"So I took the car."
"Yitzhak," says Avrahom, "you are one smart cookie. Her clothes would never have fitted you."

(#1048) No help
Mary is woken from her sleep. There’s a bat in her room, which must have got in through the open window. The bat swoops around the room and Mary watches in horror as it transforms itself into …. a vampire.
"Oh my God," she says, as she grips her pillow tightly.
As the vampire slowly approaches her, Mary remembers the cross around her neck. She grabs it, points it towards the vampire and with a trembling cry says, "You can't come any closer. Look, I have a cross."
The vampire looks Mary in the eye and says, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen! (it won’t help you)"

(#1049) No help needed
Issy, a reform Jew, is invited to his nephew's barmitzvah. The invitation also says that they would like him to do an aliyah. Not being a regular shul goer, he learns how to do it. Everyday he practises, "barachu et hashem hamevorach... baruch hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
On the day before the barmitzvah, he practises it one more time and when he went to sleep that night, he was confident that he knew it well.
The day of the barmitzvah arrives and soon it was his turn in the shul. He goes up and says, "barachu et hashem hamevorach."
Everyone behind him then said, "barach hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
"SHUT UP,” he shouts, "I can do it myself!"

(#1050) The fund raisers
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
Four ladies from their synagogue’s fund raising committee are driving home one Sunday afternoon when they are involved in a terrible car crash. Unfortunately, none of them survive. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, they are kept waiting to get into Heaven because the angel at the gates can’t find them listed in the book of heavenly new arrivals. "I'm sorry," he says to them, "but I can't find you in the book."
So he has no choice but to send them down to Hell.
A week later, God visits the Pearly Gates and says to the angel, "Where are those nice Jewish ladies who were supposed to be here by now?"
"You mean the fund raisers? I didn't see them listed, so I sent them to Hell," replies the angel.
"You did what?" God says, "I wanted them here. If you don’t want to join them, you’d better call Satan and get them transferred back here right away."
So the angel phones Satan and says, "Satan, you know those Jewish ladies I sent you last week? Well we really need them up here. Could you please send them back?
"Sorry, I can’t oblige," Satan replies, "they've been down here only a week and already they’ve raised £100,000 for an air conditioning system."

(#1051) Sign of the cross
[My thanks to Frank R for the following]
75-year-old Hymie was not looking as he was crossing Golders Green High Street and was hit by a car. It looked quite a bad accident, but luckily for him, he received only a glancing blow. As he was lying in the road, a priest who saw the accident ran over to help. Just in case it was serious, the priest began to administer last rites.
"No thanks, Father," Hymie said as he sat up, "I'm not a Catholic."
"What, you’re not Catholic?" said the priest, "so why did you make the sign of the cross immediately after the car hit you?"
Hymie replied, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking for what?" said the priest.
"Everything important to me - spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."

(#1052) The threatening letters
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Moshe was a kosher butcher in Hendon. He was not doing very well and to make matters worse, his wholesaler kept on writing him threatening letters to pay his outstanding invoices. After the fifth such letter, Moshe lost his patience and replied to his wholesaler. This is what he wrote: -

Dear Sir,
I object to your recent threatening letters and I think I need to explain to you how I do business. Every month, my accountant calculates how much money I can afford to pay out. Then I place all my creditors’ invoices in a hat and get my secretary to draw out as many invoices from the hat as I have money to pay. If you persist in sending out these threatening letters, I won't even put your invoices in the hat."
(#1053) What’s in a name?
Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don’t tell anyone, Sam, but mine Sadie once again had a headache last night. "
"Really? " said Sam.
"Yes," replied Benny, "it’s been like this for some weeks now and I’ve been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life."
"Which one?" Sam asked.

(#1054) Planning a Will
Issy is seriously ill and decides to write a Will. He calls his brother Jacob, who is a solicitor, to help him. When Jacob arrives at Issy’s bedside, Issy says, "Please write this down, Jacob. I give to my son David, £250,000. I give to each of my three daughters, Leah, Rose and Freda, £100,000. And I give to my only grandchild Henry, £50,000."
"Hold on, Issy," says Jacob, "You told me recently that your entire estate doesn’t come to more than £50,000."
"Nu?" replies Issy, "So let them work for it like I did."

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