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This is the third set of jokes
(#98) Job search
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming
pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
(#99) My Yiddishe Momma
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
(#100) The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
(#101) Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said, "Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
(#102) Henry's big problem
Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."
(#104) Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore. You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
(#105) A serious chat With Mum
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vay
Q. What is the technical term for
a divorced Jewish woman?
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to
keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.
Q. What's a Jewish woman's idea of
A. No make up whatsoever.
No joke allocated
(#108) The visit
Becky's grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
No joke allocated
(#110) Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
(#111) The Tailor
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
(#112) Oy Vey!
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge in a house in Hendon.
Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny. "I make men's clothes."
(#114) Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"
(#115) Watch that door!
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those little boxes and left them on the table for you."
No joke allocated
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