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This is the thirtyninth set of jokes

(#875) The bar mitzvah safari
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son Isaac’s bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”
The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”
Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”

(#876) Benny the psychiatrist - 1
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was coming home from work on the underground when he saw an elderly gentleman talking to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up his hand, stop talking then start all over again.   Benny had to find out more.
“Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is there anything I can do to help?”
“Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I tell myself jokes when I’m travelling.”
“But why do you keep raising your hand?” asked Benny.
“Oh, that’s to stop me telling a joke I’ve heard before.”

(#877) Benny the psychiatrist - 2
Benny the psychiatrist got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, “Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why.”

(#878) The salesman
Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman?  Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”

(#879) Why a divorce?
Issy was playing a round of golf with Sidney when suddenly, Issy announces, “I want a divorce.”
“Why on earth do you want to do that?” says Sidney. “Why do you want to divorce your lovely Hetty? She’s beautiful. And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a great figure to got with it.”
“Look at it this way Sidney,” replies Issy, as he removes one of his shoes. “Just look at this shoe. The leather seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape is very modern.  Don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney, “but I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”
“Well,” says Issy, “I’m the only one who knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly.”

(#880) The promise
Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed, she says, “Shlomo, are you here?”
“Sadie, can’t you see I’m standing right next to you?” replies Shlomo.
“Well that’s a change,” says Sadie, “I’m not used to having you at home.”
“Oh now come on darling,” says Shlomo, “you didn’t really expect me to be out of the house when you’re dying?”
“Well it wouldn’t have surprised me,” says Sadie.
“Please let’s not argue,” says Shlomo.
“OK,” says Sadie, “but I want you to promise me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?”
“Four,” replies Shlomo.
“Does that include the hearse?” asks Sadie.
“Yes,” replies Shlomo, “but this is not the time to talk about it.”
“Shlomo, it’s my funeral, remember,” says Sadie. “Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their own way there. Cancel one of the cars.”
“OK,” says Shlomo.
 “And I want you to promise me something else,” says Sadie.
“Anything darling,” says Shlomo.
“I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car,” says Sadie.
“But darling,” says Shlomo, “you know we’ve not spoken to one another for at least ten years.”
“I know,” says Sadie, “but I don’t care. It’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.”
“Well, OK,” replies Shlomo, “I’ll do it, but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.”

(#881) Who runs our life?
When we are young, it’s our parents who run our lives, but then, when we get old, it’s our children who run our lives.

(#882) Silence is golden
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realises that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth, he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start the day with such bitter tasting food.”
“Simon, bubeleh, you spoke,” cries Hannah, “you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov, son,” says Maurice.”
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning, when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I’ve been getting has always been excellent.”

(#883) The insomniac
Daniel and Naomi go to bed and one hour later, Naomi is still awake. She is having great difficulty in getting to sleep so she decides to do what has worked before.  She nudges Daniel and says to him in a soft voice, “Daniel, turn over.”
Daniel replies, “£56,710.65.”

(#884) The present
Moishe was passing by a florist when he saw a sign in the window saying, "Say It With Flowers."
He went into the shop and said to the assistant, "Wrap up one rose for me."
"Only one?" the assistant asked.
"Just one," replied Moishe. "I'm a man of few words."

(#885) The voice in her ear
Freda is walking down Hendon Road one morning when she hears a voice shout in her ear, “Stop at once. Don’t take another step.”
She stops at once and a brick smashes into the pavement just in front of her. She had a narrow escape. A few minutes later, Freda is at a pedestrian crossing and just as she’s about to step across the road, the same voice shouts in her ear, “Stay where you are. Don’t cross the road.”
She stays where she is and a bus goes across the red light at speed, just where she would have been had she crossed.
Freda is shaking at her second narrow escape and says aloud, “Who are you? Why are you helping me?”
“I’m your guardian angel,” came the reply, “and I’m just doing my job looking after you. Is there any other question you would like to ask me?”
“Yes,” replied Freda, “Where were you on my wedding day?”

(#886) Couch potatoes
I came across this exercise for those of us who need to build arm and shoulder muscles and thought I would share it with you. Doing it twice a week gives good results. The only equipment you will need are some potato sacks.
IMPORTANT: Please read all of the instructions right to the end before starting.
Stand on a carpet and ensure you have plenty of room on each side of you. Hold a 5lb potato sack in each hand and extend your arms sideways, straight out from your sides. Hold this position for as long as you can, then relax. You'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer as each day goes by.
Do this for 2 weeks then move up to 10lb potato sacks and repeat the exercise. Repeat this with 50lb potato sacks and then, finally, with 100lb potato sacks.
When you have reached this level you can move onto stage 2 - start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

(#887) The furniture emporium
There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse.
SIGN#1 - “There are two very good reasons why we won't cash your cheque. Either we don't know you, or we DO know you.”
SIGN#2 - “We have an agreement with all the local banks. They don't sell furniture and we don't cash cheques.”
SIGN#3 - “We don't blame our competitors for charging less for their furniture. After all, they should know what their stuff is worth.”

(#888) Kosher celebration cards that had to be withdrawn from sale

(#889) The car dealer
When Moishe and Sadie arrived at their local dealer to pick up their new car, they were told that there would be a delay as the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the door on the driver's side.
Sadie went round to the passenger's side and as any Jewish woman would do, she instinctively tried the door handle. To her surprise, the door opened.
"Hey," she shouted to the mechanic, "this door’s open!"
"I know," he answered, "I’ve already opened the door on that side."

(#890) How did you do that?
Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair.
Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.
After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him.

(#891) The miser
Shlomo was a miser and his friend Isaac knew this. One evening, Shlomo and Isaac went out for a meal with their girlfriends. At the end of the meal, Isaac overheard Shlomo say to his girl, “Marry me darling and I’ll buy you the sun, the moon and the stars.”
Shlomo immediately called over the waiter and said, “Separate bills please.”

(#892) The controllers
Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter and John are doing all the talking whilst Shlomo remains silent.
After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and says, "Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night, my wife Hette came to me on her hands and knees."
Peter and John were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well," replied Shlomo, "Hette then said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

(#893) The streaker
Two elderly ladies, Hannah and Miriam, were walking home one afternoon in Hampstead. Suddenly, a very old male ‘streaker’ ran past them.
Hannah says, "What was that, Miriam?"
Miriam replies, "I don't know, Hannah, but it needed ironing."

(#894) Responses to kosher pickup lines
Abe: "Haven't we met before? In Israel, maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Tel Aviv VD Clinic."

Abe: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? At the Israeli dance class maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Abe: "I just love Jewish affairs - is this seat empty?"
Hetty: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Abe: "I live in Golders Green - shall we go to your place or mine?"
Hetty: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Abe: "I’m an accountant - so what do you do for a living?"
Hetty: "I'm a female impersonator."

Abe: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Hetty: "Unfertilized!"

Abe: "I’m very experienced and I know how to please a woman."
Hetty: "Then please leave me alone."

Abe: "You’re such a beautiful Jewish girl that I want to give myself to you."
Hetty: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Abe: "I’m a stockbroker in the City and I can tell that you want me."
Hetty: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want leave."

Abe: "I’m a connoisseur of beautiful Jewish women and if I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Hetty: "Yes, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Abe: "My father is big in property and I'd go through anything for you."
Hetty: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Abe: "I have lots of money which I’d use to go to the end of the world for you."
Hetty: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

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