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This is the twentyeighth set of jokes

(#655) The sermon
(My thanks to Marcos Sokiransky from Buenos Aires for the true story on which this joke is based)
One Friday night I was in the synagogue and the Rabbi was giving his usual sermon. At the end of his speech, he told the congregation, “Before we continue, I would like to inform you that our synagogue has decided to collect goods for the most needy people in our area. It’s for a good cause and we need your help. Please bring us this Sunday anything you have lying around your house that you can spare or have no great need for. For example, I’m sure that you can all think of something that you have excess of.”
Behind me I heard the voice of an old lady saying to her neighbour seated next to her, “Yes, Tsuris.”
(Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender, adult son loses job and moves back home. Major tsuris: daughter and baby ‘Bridget’ move back home too.)

(#656) The flight of the Rabbis
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."

(#657) Love, hate and heaven (or mistaken identity)
David, Abe and Moishe are waiting in line to get into Heaven. When David gets to the front of the queue, the Angel Gabriel says to him, "Heaven is nearly full today and I can only admit those who have had horrible deaths. What's your story?"
"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," says David, "so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered my flat, but I couldn’t find where the other guy was hiding. However, when I went out onto my balcony, there was this man hanging onto my railings. I was furious and started kicking him but he held on so I got a hammer and battered his fingers. He couldn't take that and had to let go. He fell 20 stories but he somehow landed in some thick bushes and only stunned himself. So I ran into my kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the balcony. My aim was perfect – it landed right on top of him, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, all the raw anger got to me. I had a massive heart attack and I died on my balcony."
"That sounds quite bad to me," says the Angel Gabriel, and he lets David in.
The Angel Gabriel then turns to Abe and explains to him about Heaven being full and asks for his story.
"It's been a very unusual day for me," says Abe. "I live on the 21st floor of a Dockland’s tower and every morning I do exercises on my balcony. Unfortunately, this morning I slipped on the wet floor and fell over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below mine. All of a sudden, a man bursts out onto the balcony and just for a moment I thought I was saved. But he was a madman and he starts beating me. I somehow held on but when he started hammering at my hands, I had to let go. But I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, winded but OK. But my luck ran out when a fridge fell on me. Now I'm here."
Once again, Angel Gabriel agrees that sounds like a pretty horrible death and lets Abe in.
Moishe comes to the front of the line and again the whole process is repeated. Angel Gabriel explains that Heaven is full and asks for his story.
"Picture this," says Moishe, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator......."

(#658) The shul visitors
Rabbi Bloom of the United Orthodox Synagogue was playing golf one Sunday when he meets three members of the Federation Reform Synagogue on the course. They talk and he invites them to come to his shul. Next Shabbos they make an appearance, but because they turn up some time after service began, all the main seats are filled. Several other latecomers were already seated on folding chairs.
Rabbi Bloom calls over the Shammas. "Moishe, please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe is a bit deaf so he leans closer and says, "I beg your pardon, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Bloom again says, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe was puzzled but as there was a lull in the service, he goes to the front of the shul and loudly announces, "The Rabbi says, 'Give three cheers for my Reform friends in the back!'"

(#659) The student letter and its reply
Dear Dad
Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on

His father replies: -

Dear Moishe
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt  eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh.
Love your father,

(#660) Will the real mother-in-law please stand up
Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the Rabbi was called to sort it out.
After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, "If you still both want him, then we'll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him."
One kept quiet while the other said, "In that case, give him to the other woman."
When the Rabbi heard this, he immediately said, "OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!"

(#661) Recognition
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out.
"Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe.
"Si," replied the parrot.
"Parlez vouz Francaise?" asks Moshe.
"Oui," replied the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe.
"Jawohl," replied the parrot.
"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe.
"Sim," replied the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

(#662) The relationship
Whenever 4-year old Miriam was asked her name, she replied, "I'm Mr Levy’s daughter."
So her mother tells her this is wrong and that she must answer, "I'm Miriam Levy."
Next shabbos, after the service, the Rabbi asks her, "Aren't you Mr Levy’s daughter, little girl?"
Miriam replies, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

(#663) Medical facts
Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next to each other on the tube train one night. Issy was returning home after another wild leaving party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the tube train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained, and his face was covered in lipstick.
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What causes arthritis, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, uninhibited women, drinking too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis."

(#664) The gift
One year, Louis didn’t know what to buy his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a large plot in Bushey cemetery.
The following year, Louis bought her nothing for her birthday and his wife was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother.
"So, why didn’t you buy her something?" she snapped at him.
"Well, she hasn’t used the gift I gave her last year," he replied.

(#665) A visit to the Rabbi
Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, 8 and Isaac, 10 were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in Golders Green, they were nearly always involved.
One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a Rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this Rabbi and asked whether he could help.
He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first – but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the Rabbi while Isaac was kept at home.
The Rabbi sat Shlomo down across a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For 5 minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Shlomo said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the Rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo said nothing. Then the Rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?"
Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac’s room and said, "We are in big trouble, Isaac."
"What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?" said Isaac.
Shlomo replied, "God is missing... and I’m sure they think we did it."

(#666) The mitzvah
As soon as the shabbos service had ended, little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, "When I grow up, Rabbi, I'm going to give you lots of money."
Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, "That's really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?"
Benjy replies, "Because my Dad says you're the poorest Rabbi we have ever had!"

(#667) The nibbler
Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, "Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her."
The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts.
"No, of course not," she replied and continued talking at length about her day.
A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, "Mrs. Gold, I'm sorry but I've eaten almost all of your peanuts."
Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, "Don't worry about it Rabbi, I can't eat peanuts - I just like to nibble the chocolate off them."

(#668) The ten things all Jewish men know about women

(#669) The operation
Recovering from major heart surgery, Moishe awoke to find the curtains in his private ward drawn. When his surgeon arrived, he immediately saw the perplexed look on Moishe’s face. So he said, "Please don’t be alarmed, Moishe. There’s a large fire in the garden right outside your window and we didn't want you to wake up and think the surgery was a failure".

(#670) Forget Something?
Because their memories were getting so bad with old age, Sadie and Sam had to put things in writing to help them remember them. One night, Sam got up from watching the usual TV soap and said to Sadie, "I’m going to the kitchen for something to eat. Do you want anything while I'm there?"
Sadie said, "Yes, Sam, some ice cream, please."
Just as Sam set off she added, "And write it down."
"Don’t worry, I can remember ice cream," said Sam.
Then Sadie said, "I also want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down."
"No need, I can remember ice cream with strawberries," he replied.
Sadie added, "But I also want whipped cream on top of the strawberries."
Sam nodded, but left the room without writing anything down.
When he returned, Sam was carrying a plate of cold roast beef with mustard.
"Now see what you've done," she said, "You’ve forgotten the toast I asked for."

(#671) Creation of Israel
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches."
God continued, "And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the
inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
give them."

(#672) My heroic Zeida
My Zaida was very religious. He prayed 3 times a day and laid tefillin every morning. One night, he heard a noise downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Zaida’s silver cutlery, wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Zaida very angry and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just about to stab my Zaida when all of a sudden, my Zaida screamed out "nisht mit the milchidic messer" (not with the dairy knife).

(#673) Business versus pleasure
Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."

(#674) The meeting
Hannah and Natalie hadn’t seen each other since they were at school together over 30 years ago. But it’s a small world and they meet by chance in Brent Cross shopping Centre one Sunday afternoon. Hannah tells Natalie about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got three children of his own. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have two fabulous girls. What about you, Natalie?"
Natalie replies, "I’m married to Moishe and sadly, we don't have any children. So we don’t have any grandchildren."
Hannah says, "If you have no children and no grandchildren, tell me, what do you do for aggravation?"

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