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This is the twentyfourth set of jokes

(#575) He had a hat!
[My thanks to Michael West for this version of ‘he had a hat’]
Becky and Myron decided to take their little son from the heat of the city to his first visit to the beach. Dressed in his little sailor suit and hat and pail and shovel in hand, the boy happily played at the water's edge as his mother and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents' horror, a huge wave crashed down on the boy and then dragged him far out to sea. As neither of his parents could swim, his mother began to wail and cry, "Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"
Suddenly another huge wave cast the boy back up on the sand at his parents' feet. His mother inspected her son and then quickly looked back towards the heavens and said, "He had a hat!"

(#576) So who’s kidding who?
Maurice and Rifka are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get you one,” says Maurice.
“That’s sweet of you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t you worry,” says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”
“I’d rather you wrote it down,” says Rifka.
“Please don’t argue,” says Maurice, “what do you want?”
“I want a cornet with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.”
“I don’t need to. Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll have some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t write it down?” says Rifka.
“I don’t need to, honest.  Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,” says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?”
“Yes, dear, stop nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!”
Rifka looks in the parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where are the chips?”

(#577) Synagogue seating request form
Last year, many of you expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat that will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue secretary’s office as soon as possible.

                1. I would prefer to sit in the: -
                ___ Talking section
                ___ Non-talking section

                2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest)
                ___ Stock market
                ___ Football
                ___ Medicine
                ___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
                ___ Your recent holidays
                ___ The rabbi
                ___ The chazzan's voice
                ___ Fashion news
                ___ What others are wearing
                ___ Why they look awful
                ___ Your neighbours
                ___ Your relatives
                ___ The situation in Israel
                ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
                ___ Other:_______________________________

                3. Who of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
                ___ Doctor
                ___ Dentist
                ___ Psychiatrist
                ___ Child psychiatrist
                ___ Travel Agent
                ___ Stockbroker
                ___ Accountant
                ___ Solicitor
                ___ Estate agent
                ___ Architect
                ___ Plumber
                ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
                ___ Other: ____________________________

                4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
                ___ On the aisle
                ___ Near the exit
                ___ Near a window
                ___ Near the toilets
                ___ Near the bimah
                ___ Near single men
                ___ Where no one on the bimah can see me talking during service
                ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during service
                ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

                5. I would like a seat where:
                ___ I can see my spouse
                ___ I cannot see my spouse
                ___ I can see my friend's spouse
                ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse

                6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
                (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)

                7. Your name: __________________________________

               8.  Building fund pledge:  £_________________________

(#578) A Trip to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

(#579) A visit to the doctor
Abe comes home one day and finds his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cries Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," says Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe calls his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor says something to Abe and with that, Abe begins laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asks Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big a toches’"

(#580) The perfect shot?
Gary stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Then he started over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts.
Finally Benny said, "Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball will you already!"
Gary replied, "But Benny, my wife Suzie is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Gary, you'll never hit her from here!"

(#581) ‘Tired and thirsty’ from around the world
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

(#582) The prophecy
Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

(#583) Shaggy buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz, mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
"So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "You'll never believe."
"What?" says Pocayenta.
"Today, at high noon, someone proposed to me."
"So what did you say?" says Pocayenta."
"I said yes"
"That's wonderful," says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married."
"I heard," says Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?" says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz, get me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo."
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted, staggering and empty-handed.
"Geronowitz I've been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day, I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This, I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so myself, it was  the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"

(#584) Well trained
Sam invites Issy to see how his dog Cindy is getting on with her obedience training. Issy says, "Why not get Cindy to do a trick for me?"
Sam says, " Cindy, fetch."
Cindy immediately starts to whine and says, "Oy! What a terrible day I'm having, you wouldn't believe it could get any worse. And the food he’s giving me, well, it’s not even fit for a dog, it’s rubbish. And he wouldn’t even take me out for my daily exercise this morning."
Issy doesn't understand why Cindy should behave in this way. So Sam explains, "Cindy hasn’t got the best of hearing these days. She thought I said kvetch."

(#585) Quickies
Q:  What is a Jewish princess's idea of a dream home?
A:  6,000 sq. ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.

Did you hear about the guy who called his girlfriend MEZZUZZA because she liked to be kissed?

Q:  Why were gentiles invented?
A:  Somebody has to pay retail.

(#586) The joker
Daniel and Hette are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop. Hette goes in.
While Daniel is waiting outside, a prostitute comes up to him and says, "Would you like to come back to my place?"
Being a bit of a joker, Daniel decides to string her along. He replies, "How much do you charge?"
"One hundred pounds," she says.
"I'll give you ten pounds," Daniel says with a wink.
She gives him the V sign and walks away.
Hette comes out the shop and they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette and says to Daniel, "You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?"

(#587) One over the minyan
Nine male Jews are very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival always responds, "But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the reply, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!"

(#588) The message
[My thanks to Debbe of Boston for sending me this one]
Morris was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his attractive blonde neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later, she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed it shut and went angrily back into the house.
A few minutes later, she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, Morris had to ask her, "Is something wrong, Sharon?"
"There certainly is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

(#589) Holiday of a lifetime
A north London congregation decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New York.
When Rabbi Bloom arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, "Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

(#590) And they lived happily ever after
Shlomo and Ruth were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret of their successful marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly said 'That's once.'
"We had only proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time, Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.

(#592) Fathers’ sayings

(#593) The deal
Issy and Howard were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"

(#594) Yiddish Rhyming Slang

(#595) A trip to the restaurant
Bernie walks into his local Chinese restaurant and is very surprised to see the owner, Mister Lee, eating gefillte fish, chopped liver and kishke.
"Mister Lee, what's this?" says Bernie.
Lee replies, "Me no eat Chinese CHAZELAI"
(CHAZERAI: garbage).

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