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This is the twentyfirst set of jokes

(#515) Pharaoh in need of counselling?
At Passover, we read the story of Moses and how God brought 9 plagues onto the Pharaoh and the Egyptians. And we read that because the Pharaoh was stubborn and still wouldn’t let the Jews leave Egypt, God had to unleash Plague number 10, despite his previous warning. This was the death of the first-born of every Egyptian family. Only then, after this greatest of terrors, did the Pharaoh release the Jews from slavery and let them leave Egypt to journey to the Promised Land.
But in the face of such convincing evidence that something really bad would happen, why didn’t the Pharaoh release the Jews after the first nine plagues? It took years of research by leading Israeli scholars studying the Dead Sea Scrolls to find the answer. “The Pharaoh was still in deNile”.

(#516) The engineer
Hette arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn’t get my car to start. But I’m sure I know why.”
“So what’s the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?” asks Moishe.
“I think there’s water in the carburettor,” replies Hette.
“How on earth can you know that?“ says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the bonnet or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburettor is.”
“Maybe so,“ says Hette, “but I still think there’s water in it.”
Moishe then says, “OK, I’ll go along with you. Let’s check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?”
Hette replies, “In the lake!”

(#517) What your grandmother told you

(#518) The question
Moishe and Freda were sitting together one evening watching a DVD movie, as they did every night. But on this occasion, Moishe suddenly says, "So, darling, whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
Freda didn’t answer straight away, but when she did, she replied, "You know, I don't even think we got a New Year card from them this year."

(#519) Punishment 2002
Bernie was talking to his friend Jack about his rebellious son Yossi. "When I was a youngster and did something wrong, my parents punished me by sending me to my bedroom without supper. I hated it. But our Yossi has his own colour TV, phone, computer and DVD player in his bedroom so we can’t do that - it wouldn’t be much of a punishment."
"So what do you do, then?" asked Jack.
"We send him up to our bedroom without supper!"

(#520) The arrangements
Although Miriam Cohen had a good job designing clothes in a top shop in Golders Green, she wasn’t satisfied with being single. In fact she and her mother, Freda, shared the same wish – Miriam should marry a wealthy man, please God.
One day, Miriam came home from work with eyes red and sore from crying and went straight to Freda. “Mum, I'm pregnant. Please don't get upset - the father is my boss.” Miriam then began to cry again and Freda had to stay with her most of the night. The next morning, an angry Freda went with Miriam to see her boss.
“Nu, she said, so what's going to happen to Miriam now?“
Miriam’s boss was a handsome, single, well dressed man of 32. He replied, “Please take a seat Mrs. Cohen and don’t worry. I'm taking care of all the arrangements. Before the baby is born, Miriam will have the best doctor money can buy. Later on, she'll be booked into the best private clinic in London and after the baby is born, I will set up a trust fund for Miriam. She will receive £1,000 each week until the baby reaches 21. I can’t do better than that.”
Freda was initially taken aback by this news but then responded, “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid Miriam should have a miscarriage, but if she does, will you give her a second chance?”

(#521) It’s magic
Moishe goes to Brent Cross shopping centre with his ten-year-old son, Paul. Paul is flicking a 20p coin up in the air with his thumb and each time catching it between his teeth. But then someone bumps into Paul and the 20p coin goes straight down his throat. Paul starts to choke and soon begins to turn blue. Moishe starts to panic and shouts and screams for someone to help him.
An ordinary looking man in a blue suit is sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading his newspaper. He puts down his cup and paper, gets up and walks towards Paul, who is now close to collapse. When he gets to him, the man takes hold of Paul’s testicles and squeezes them gently but firmly. Straight away, Paul coughs up the 20p coin into the man’s free hand. The man gives the coin to Moishe and walks back to his bench to finish off his coffee. Not a word was said during this event.
Moishe is overwhelmed with gratitude and quickly goes over to the man to thank him. The man looks embarrassed and tells Moishe he doesn’t have to thank him. But Moishe says, "You’re a hero. I've never heard of anyone doing what you just did - it was pure magic. What are you, a doctor?"
"Oh, no, " the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

(#522) Growing up
Little Benny and little Sarah are at Edgware infants’ school. One day during lunch, Sarah says, “Benny, do you want to play mummies and daddies with me?”
Benny replies, “OK. What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to communicate your thoughts,” she says.
“Communicate my thoughts?“ says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.”
Sarah instantly smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine then. You can be the daddy.”

(#523) Advertisement in the Jewish Gazette


(#524) Grandma’s saying
Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe’s ladder. Joe said, “Sorry Harry, I’ve lent it to my son.”
Remembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don’t worry, it’s not my ladder. It's my dad's."

(#525) Gay service
One Sabbath, Joseph discovers a gay shul in Hendon. He's very excited. It is exactly what he had been looking for. There's a gay cantor and a gay Rabbi, and even the congregation is mostly gay. So with a happy heart, Joseph sits down and joins in the service.
Soon, however, he just can’t help noticing the handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard as he tries, he can’t stop himself – Joseph puts his hand on the young man's knee.
Immediately two large men rush over to Joseph, pick him up, quickly carry him out of the shul and forcibly throw him out into the street.
As he picks himself up, Joseph says, "Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this was a gay synagogue."
"It is," one of them replied in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."

If you are Jewish, or an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or work with Jews, or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know to survive!   Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function as a Jew: -

There are no Jews living in: -
a) sin;
b) Cornwall;
c) caravan parks;

In a Jewish household, the cleaning lady is expected to: -
a) do the windows;
b) make latkes;
c) attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings;

To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: -
a) gentle;
b) housebroken;
c) stuffed;

Jews spend their holidays: -
a) sightseeing;
b) sunbathing;
c) discussing where they spent their last holiday & where they'll go next;

If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: -
a) up on the newest style;
b) entitled to free haircuts;
c) not Jewish;

Wilderness means: -
a) no running water;
b) no electricity;
c) no hot and sour soup;

The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: -
a) jogging;
b) tennis;
c) plutzing over the neighbours swimming pool;

Jews never drive: -
a) unsafely;
b) on Saturdays;
c) eighteen wheel lorries;

A Jewish skydiver is: -
a) careful;
b) insured;
c) an apparition;

No Jewish person in history has ever been known to: -
a) become a prostitute;
b) deface a synagogue;
c) remove the back of a TV set;

Jews never sing: -
a) off-key;
b) "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu";
c) around a piano bar;

Scoring: 1 point for each "a)" answer, 2 for each "b)" and 3 for each "c)".
30-33 points: Mazeltov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or else you're from Golders Green or Edgware.

(#527) The cow
One Sabbath afternoon, Jacob was in the Rabbi’s office and was looking out the window when he said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save it or should one let it drown?"
The Rabbi looked up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow."
"That's a shame," says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it’s drowning."
The Rabbi replies, "Yes, it's too bad."
Jacob continues, "Its head is now going under and it's certainly going to die. I feel sorry for the animal."
"Yes," said the Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"
"And I feel so sorry for you," Jacob said.
"Why me?" said the Rabbi looking up.
"It is your cow."

(#528) It’s obvious
Young Morris asked his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"
His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He replied, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't listening.)
"Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that, we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"

(#529) A lesson in economics
Issy is walking down the High Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did you know, Jacob, that I'm a walking economy."
Jacob answers, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well it's like this Jacob," says Issy. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

(#530) Fantasy
Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

(#531) Jumping to conclusions
Hetty was the local gossip and self-appointed guardian of the town's morals. One day, she accused Moishe in front of a number of people of being an alcoholic, because she saw his car parked in front of the local wine merchant.
Moishe was a wise man. He just stared at her for a moment, said nothing and walked away.
Later that night, Moishe parked his car in front of Hetty’s house and left it there until morning.

(#532) The lesson
Little Sarah was attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the lesson, she asks her teacher, "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "She’s thirty eight years old, Miss."
The teacher then says, "Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant."
Sarah then asks, "Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister, Sarah?"
Sarah answers, "She’s eighteen, Miss".
The teacher says, "Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
So Sarah then asks, "Can I get pregnant, Miss?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "I'm seven years old, Miss".
The teacher says, "No, Sarah, you can't get pregnant."
Little Maurice, who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, "see, Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

(#533) What to choose
Becky is out doing her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she goes up to one of the assistants and asks, "Excuse me. Can you explain the differences between all these toilet rolls, please?"
"Of course," he replies. He points out one brand, "This is our best because it’s as soft as a baby's kiss. It's £1.50 per roll." He picks up another roll and says to her, "This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but gentle and it's £1.00 a roll." Then, pointing to the bottom shelf he tells Becky, "We call that roll our No Name brand, and it's 50p per roll."
"Give me the No Name," says Becky.
One week later, Becky goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant.
"I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

(#534) Vive la difference
Maurice and Hetty were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening, as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's for 50 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams. "What was that for?"
Maurice looks at her and replies, "That's for knowing the difference."

(#535) A dilemma
If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park, and expresses an opinion, without anybody around to hear him, is he still wrong?

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