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go to the one hundred and seventysecond set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and seventyfirst set of Jewish jokes
(#2590) ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY TRAVEL COMPANIES FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS
1. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this closure of shops should be banned."
2. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the holiday price."
3. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king-sized bed. We hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
4. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
5. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
6. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
7. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
8. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
9. "The roads were uneven and bumpy so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
10. "It took us 9 hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only 3 hours to get home. This seems unfair."
11. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom suite and ours was significantly smaller."
12. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
13. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
14. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
15. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
(#2591) How to get to drive the family car
17 year old David has just got his driver's license and asks his father Harry when he can start to drive the family car.
Harry tells David that he will make a deal with him. “OK David,” he says, “before I let you loose on the car, I want you to do three things. I want you to bring your grades up from an average of C to an average of B; I want you to study the Bible more often; and I want you to get your hair cut. Only then will I talk about your use of the family car.”
David thinks about what his father has just told him and quickly decides that he will accept the offer. So they shake on it.
Six weeks later, Harry says to David, “I’m very pleased to learn that not only have you brought your grades up, but also that you’ve been studying the Bible. But I'm disappointed that you haven't bothered to get your hair cut.”
“I know, Dad,” says David. “I've been thinking about that. But I've noticed in my Bible studies that both Samson and Moses had long hair.”
“But did you also notice,” asks Harry, “that all of them walked everywhere they went?”
(#2592) The bad headaches
Chaim Yankel has been regularly getting bad headaches so he goes to see Dr. Minky.
After a thorough examination, Dr Minky tells Chaim, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but in order to eliminate your regular
headaches, you'll need to undergo an Orchidectomy. That is, the removal of your testicles."
"Oy Vey," cries out Chaim.
A few days later, Chaim has the operation. But whilst recovering, he becomes very moody and very angry. So it's suggested by his family that when he leaves the hospital, he should buy himself some nice new clothes to help lift his mood.
The following week, Chaim visits his favourite menswear shop in Golders Green and begins by looking at some nice elegant shirts.
"What size shirt can I help you with?" asks the shop's Manager.
Chaim angrily replies, "I’m a 16 and always have been a 16."
"But Sir," says the manager, "looking at you, you seem to be a 16 3/4. If you insist on wearing a 16, you’ll likely have some nasty headaches to contend with!”
(#2593) Have a holiday on me
Moshe, a travel agent, looks up from his desk and sees an old lady and an old gentleman peering into his shop window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world. Moshe has had a very good week and the two sad people outside his window give him a rare feeling of generosity.
He calls them into his shop and says to them, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He takes them to his desk and tells his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They gladly accept and within days are on their way.
About a month later the little old lady comes into Moshe’s shop.
“So nu? How did you like your holiday?” Moshe asks her eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” the old lady replies. “I’ve come to thank you. But one thing puzzles me. Who was that alter kocker I had to share the room with?”
alter kocker: an old fogey
(#2594) The Bathtub Test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in the Nightingale Nursing Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the older person and say, “could you please empty the bathtub as quickly as you can."
"Oh, now I understand," I said to the doctor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the doctor. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed in Nightingale near the window?"
WELL? ARE YOU GOING TO PASS ON THIS TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
(#2595) The stressed out father
One day, Moshe picks up a hitchhiker, a young, sexy, beautiful girl, and agrees to drive her home in his car. But during the journey, she suddenly faints inside his car. Moshe immediately takes her to the local hospital. Moshe is now very stressed.
At the hospital, the doctors find out that the girl is pregnant and congratulate Moshe because he’s going to be a father.
Moshe says that he is not the father, but the girl says he is. This is getting very stressful for Moshe.
So Moshe requests a DNA test to prove that he is not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor tells Moshe that the tests clearly show that he is infertile and probably has been since birth. Moshe is still very stressed, but also relieved.
Then, on the way back to his house, Moshe suddenly remembers his 5 children at home!
(#2596) Rachel’s speech for David
David, a top company executive, has just delivered an important speech to his Board of Directors and is very, very angry.
As soon as he returns home, he takes his iPhone from his pocket and calls his dance teacher Rachel, as it was she who had kindly agreed to write the speech for him.
As soon as Rachel answers his call, David says to her, “Rachel, I’m sorry to have to tell you but that speech you wrote for me was terrible. It was far too long. The first half was fine, but the second half was so dull and boring that some of the Directors actually walked out on me.”
“But David,” says Rachel, “I gave you two copies of that speech in case you mislaid it.”
(#2597) What I want in a wife and daughter-in-law
A good Chasidic family based in North London is most concerned that their 30-year-old son Paul is still unmarried. So, they call a shadchen and ask him to help find Paul a good wife.
The shadchen comes over to their house and spends a long time questioning Paul and his parents as to what they want in a wife and daughter-in-law. So they give him a long shopping list of requirements. The shadchen takes a long time reading and thinking, and finally asks to visit the family again.
6 weeks later, the shadchen returns to their house and tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for Paul. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends shul, knows the prayers by heart, and she’s a wonderful cook. She also loves children and wants a large family. And to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But Paul pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?’
The shadchen replies, 'Some say yes, some say no….’
Chasid: A member of an orthodox religious sect
shadchen: a marriage broker
(#2598) He can’t type
Harry receives the following text from his neighbour Isaac:
“I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess - I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, I do this more than you do. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.”
Anguished and betrayed, Harry goes into his kitchen and without a word, goes over to his wife and punches and kicks her. A few minutes later, Harry receives a second text from Isaac: “Sorry Harry, there was a typo in my text. I meant to write “I was helping myself to your wifi, not your wife . . . . sorry.”
(#2599) Some Phyllis Diller Quotes
• Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• The reason why most women don't play football is because 11 of them would never want to wear the same outfit in public.
• The best way to get rid of kitchen odours is to eat out.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford, then I want to move in with them.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. But fortunately this is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
• My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
• I admit that I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.
• Tranquillisers only work if you follow the advice on the bottle - Keep away from children.
• The reason why the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can't see him laughing.
go to the one hundred and sixtyninth set of Jewish jokes
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