go to the one hundred and sixtyninth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyeighth set of Jewish jokes

(#2560) Good news/bad news
[my thanks to Vivian for the following]
My bubbeh always used to ask the paper boy each Friday if he would call in on Shabbes morning to light her gas stove because she was frum. And she would always give him sixpence (old money) to do this.
One Friday, he rang my bubbeh's door bell as usual and gave her the newspaper. But he then said to her, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to come to light your gas stove tomorrow."
"Oy Vey, why not?" my bubbeh asked.
"Because it's my barmtizvah," he replied.

bubbeh: grandmother
Shabbes: The Sabbath, which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday
frum: religious
barmtizvah: Religious ceremony marking coming of age of a 13-year-old Jewish boy

(#2561) Some Jewish Sayings
•    Genius is 10% inspiration and 50% capital gains
•    It's not the gelt, it's the principal and the interest
•    You can't judge a Jewish jokes book by its author
•    He who uses bad language is an ignorant shmuck
•    Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax
•    You can fool some of the people all of the time, and a lot of the people some of the time, but you can make a shmuck of yourself anytime

gelt: money
shmuck: a stupid person, a penis

(#2562) What a dog!
Within days of purchasing a lovely dog named Moshe, Avrahom notices that Moshe is very intelligent - he always comes when his name is called no matter what he was doing; he always finds his bone no matter where it's hidden; and he learns new tricks very quickly. He can even balance on one leg for 30 seconds.
Avrahom realizes that Moshe is a very special kind of dog - a Jewish dog, most probably, so he teaches Moshe to wear a kippa. And because Moshe looks so frum in his kippa, Avrahom starts to teach him Hebrew. Not surprisingly, Moshe quickly starts learning and then speaking some Hebrew words in a doggie kind of voice.
But then one morning, Avrahom, realizing that Yom Kippur is only a few days away, phones his rabbi and gets permission to bring Moshe to shul with him.
On Yom Kippur morning, they arrive in shul and the kippa-wearing Moshe is given the seat immediately between Avrahom and a Mr Birnboam. The service begins and immediately Moshe can be heard by those around him praying in Hebrew in a yappy but reasonably clear breathy kind of voice, with heartfelt 'wails' thrown in every now and then. Mr Birnboam turns to Avrahom and whispers, "I just can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. It looks like your dog is davening. But he can't be, can he? I must be dreaming. If I am, please wake me up immediately."
"No, you're not dreaming Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrahom, "Moshe truly is davening."
"If that's so," whispers Mr Birnboam, "you can get thousands of pounds for such an act on television's THE X FACTOR or BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT."
"Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrahom, "I can assure you that the same thoughts have crossed my mind. But my Moshe has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to be an Accountant."

frum: religious
kippa: scullcap
Yom Kippur: Jewish festival - The Day of Atonement
shul: Synagogue
davening: praying

(#2563) Is it true what I've heard?
Hannah doesn't normally telephone her friend Rivkah because they regularly meet at Brent Cross shopping Centre. But today, Hannah feels she has to phone first.
"Rivkah," says Hannah, "is it true what I'm hearing about your Melvyn?"
"So tell me already," replies Rivkah, "what have you heard about my lovely Melvyn?"
"Word is going around town like wildfire that Melvyn is a practicing homosexual," replies Hannah.
"Yes Hannah, it's true, I can't lie," replies Rivkah.
"Nu? So where is his office?" asks Hannah.

(#2564) The missing wife
[My thanks to Hap for the following]
Morris goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.
Morris: "I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home."
Sergeant: "What is her height, sir?"
Morris: "I think it's 5 foot something."
Sergeant: "And what about her build?"
Morris: She's not slim, but nor is she really fat."
Sergeant: "What colour are her eyes sir?"
Morris: "I don't know, I've never really noticed."
Sergeant: "And what about the colour of her hair?"
Morris: "It changes according to the season and what hairdresser she goes to."
Sergeant: "What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?"
Morris: "I think she was wearing either a blue dress or else blue jeans. I don't remember exactly."
Sergeant: "Did she go shopping by car?"
Morris: "Yes she did."
Sergeant: "And what is the make of the car?"
Morris:  "It's a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And .......... "
At this point, Morris starts to cry.
Sergeant: "Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car."

(#2565) The shop sign
Here is the sign put up in the window of a shop that has just gone bankrupt: -

(#2566) The anniversary surprise
[my thanks to Harvey for the following ]
Today is Sadie and Yossel's 60th wedding anniversary. They have lived in the same flat all this time and Sadie, being very frugal, has always handled the family finances. But unknown to Yossel, for each and every day of their 60 years together, Sadie has been putting some money aside. 
And now, on the day of their 60th anniversary, Sadie tells Yossel about her secret savings and that she has a big surprise for him. They drive to a new neighborhood and she takes Yossel to a brand new high-rise apartment.  The elevator takes them to the penthouse where Sadie gives Yossel the keys to their new flat.
It's magnificent. It's not only furnished with the finest of modern furniture and décor, but it also has large glass windows, a wrap-around balcony, and has views over the entire city. Sadie asks Yossel to look around the flat while she opens a bottle of celebration Champaign.
Yossel returns 10 minutes later raving about each and every new room, appliance and expensive art work on the walls. 
"Sadie," he says, "you’re magnificent! The dining room is marvelous. In fact everything is fantastic. I've even just been to the bathroom - it’s all shiny, white, and has lovely cupboards everywhere. And when I opened one of the doors, the light went on automatically. And later, when I closed the door, the light went out."
"Yossel," says Sadie, "don’t tell me you pished in the refrigerator?"

pished: urinated

(#2567) Helping the women
[My thanks to Alfred for the following]
The room is full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class is in full swing. Betty, the instructor, is teaching the women how to breathe properly, and the men how to help their wives and give them confidence.
Betty then announces, "Ladies, I've told you this before, but it won't hurt if I tell it to you again. Exercise is extremely good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And you men here. (pause) It wouldn’t hurt you to find the time to take your partners on a nice walk."
The room immediately goes quiet. But then Martin raises his hand and asks, "Betty, is it OK if my Helen carries a golf bag while we walk?"

(#2568) The broken watch
[This joke appears in my "naughtier jokes" section (XXX#18). But I don't think it is that naughty. So I've added it here as well. Enjoy!]
David’s watch is not working and he remembers seeing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window. So he goes to the shop to get his watch fixed.
"Can I help you?" asks Joseph, the owner.
"I would like my watch repaired," replies David.
"I'm sorry, but I don't repair watches," says Joseph.
"Well, how much for a new watch then?" asks David.
"I don't sell watches either," replies Joseph.
"You don't sell watches?" asks David in astonishment.
"No, I don't sell watches," replies Joseph.
"Clocks, you sell clocks don't you?" asks David.
"No, I don't sell clocks," replies Joseph.
David is getting exasperated and says to Joseph, "You don't repair watches and you don't sell clocks or watches. So what do you do then?"
"I’m a mohel," replies Joseph.
"Then why do you have all those clocks and watches in your window?" asks David.
"If you were a mohel," replies Joseph, "so tell me. What would you put in your window?"

mohel: the religious man who performs ritual circumcisions according to rabbinic regulations and customs

(#2569) A fairy story
Once upon a time, there lived Rebecca, a woman who didn’t nag, or criticize, or shop every day till she dropped.
PLEASE NOTE: This story only relates to one special day during the 1950s

go to the one hundred and sixtyninth set of Jewish jokes


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