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go to the one hundred and sixtyseventh set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and sixtysixth set of Jewish jokes
(#2540) Real grief
70 year old Morris has cancer and is in bed, close to dying. His wife Hetty and their three grown up sons are grief-stricken and have even called in their rabbi to say some prayers.
As they all huddle around Morris's bed, Morris suddenly asks, in a croaky voice, "Is my eldest son Avrahom here?"
"Yes dad," says Avrahom, "I'm here."
"And is my son Joseph here as well?" asks Morris.
"Yes dad," replies Joseph, "I'm also here."
"And what about Lionel, my youngest son," asks Morris. "Where is he?"
"I'm here dad," replies Lionel, "I'm standing right next to the bed looking at you."
"Well," croaks Morris, "if Avrahom is here and Joseph is here and Lionel is here, who's minding our store?"
(#2541) Good news and bad news
Naomi Lyons goes to see doctor Levy. After examining her very thoroughly, he says to her, "Well Mrs Lyons, I've got some good news for you."
"It's not Mrs Lyons, doctor, it's Miss Lyons," interrupts Naomi, "and what is this good news you have for me?"
"Oh dear, have I got some bad news for you Miss Lyons," says doctor Levy.
(#2542) High cost of living
Emanuel goes back to his favorite antique shop. He's finally decided to buy the lovely 19th century silver kiddush cup he saw there last week. As soon as he enters the shop, he goes over to Morris, the shop's owner.
"OK," he says to Morris, "I've decided to buy the kiddush cup. You said last week it was £125 so I've brought the cash with me."
"I'm sorry," says Morris, "but this lovely, exquisite kiddush cup is now £150."
"I don't believe it," says Emanuel. "How can that be?"
"Well," replies Morris, "it's because the cost of materials and labour continue to rise."
kiddush: a special blessing said before a meal on shabbes (the sabbath)
(#2543) The frum talker
Nathan is talking to his friend David. "Did you know," says Nathan, "that my Rabbi is so frum that he regularly talks to Ha-shem?"
"Really?" says David. "How do you know this?"
"I know because my Rabbi told me this himself," replies Nathan.
"But maybe, .... how can I put this without offending anyone? ... maybe your rabbi wasn't telling you the truth." says David.
"Don't be a shmuck," says Nathan. "Why would a religious man who talks to God lie to me?"
shmuck: a stupid person; a penis
(#2544) The Affair (Part 1)
Moshe is having an affair with his secretary Kate and one afternoon, she persuades him to leave work early and go to her place for an hour or so. He agrees.
Whilst they are enjoying themselves, Moshe suddenly notices the time. He quickly takes off his shoes, goes into Kate's garden, and rubs them for a couple of minutes on the grass and mud. He then puts them back on and drives home to his wife Naomi.
"So where have you been, you shmuck?" shouts Naomi as soon as he walks through the door. "I've been trying to contact you all afternoon, but your iphone was off and no one in your office knew where you were."
"I'm an honest person, darling, and I can't lie to you," replies Moshe. "I've been with my secretary all afternoon at her place."
But Naomi takes one look at his shoes and shouts, "You lying momzer. You fershtinkener. You've been out playing golf again, haven't you?"
shmuck: idiot, stupid ass
(#2545) The Affair (Part 2)
Not long after getting away with his 'muddy golf shoes' ruse, Moshe is dying and Naomi is sitting at his bedside. Moshe looks up at her and says in a croaky voice, "Naomi, I've something I must confess to you."
"There's no need to," says Naomi.
"But there is," says Moshe, "there really is, because I want to die in peace and go to heaven."
"OK Moshe," says Naomi, "so nu? what is it you want to tell me?"
"I slept with my secretary when you thought I was out playing golf," replies Moshe.
"I know, Moshe, I know," says Naomi. "Now calm down and let the poison work."
(#2546) Mistaken identity
Nathan works for the Post Office and his job is to process mail that has been posted with incomplete or illegible addresses. One day, Nathan comes across a letter addressed in shaky handwriting to Hashem with no actual address on the envelope. So Nathan opens the envelope and reads the letter inside:
Shalom. I'm a widow of 79 and all I have to live on is a small pension. Unfortunately, someone stole my purse yesterday with £55 inside and this was all the money I had left until my next pension payment. As you know, this Sunday coming is Rosh Hashanah, and I have some friends coming over for dinner. Without money, I can't buy any food or drink. I don't even have any family to help me out. You, dear God, are my only hope. Please can you help me?
Nathan is very touched and shows the letter to all his work colleagues. When they read it, each one generously gives Nathan a few pounds to donate to Sadie. Very soon, his collection reaches £50 and the Post Office workers feel very proud (and so they should) to have been able to help an old lady in distress. Nathan puts the money carefully in an empty envelope together with a short anonymous note:
Here is some money to make up for the stolen money.
He then addresses it to Sadie and posts it.
Soon after Rosh Hashanah has ended, Nathan comes across another letter addressed to Hashem. So he opens it. It reads:
Shalom. How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to put together a lovely meal for my friends. I told them of your wonderful gift and we had a super day thanks to you.
By the way, there was £5 missing from the envelope - I only received £50. I think it might have been those shnorrers at the Post Office.
Rosh Hashanah: The Jewish New Year
Shalom: Peace be with you
(#2547) Reading the future
Benny Levy has been regularly getting bad headaches so he goes to see Dr. Minky. And after a thorough examination, Dr Minky tells Benny, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but in order to eliminate your regular headaches, you'll need to undergo an Orchidectomy. If you don't know what this is, it's the removal of your testicles."
Benny immediately cries out,"Oy Veh ... I can't believe this is happening to me."
A few days later, Benny has the operation. And not too surprisingly, during his recovery, he becomes very moody. So his family buys him some gift tokens and suggests that when he leaves hospital, he could use them to buy some nice new clothes to help lift his mood.
The following week, Benny visits an up-market menswear shop in Golders Green and begins by looking at some elegant shirts he could wear for work. As soon as the shop's manager sees Benny holding up and looking closely at a shirt, he goes over to him.
"Good morning sir," says the manager. "What size of shirt are you looking
for?" Benny replies, "I’m a size 16 and always have been a size 16."
"But sir," says the manager, "looking at you now, you seem to be a size 16 3/4. And if you insist on wearing a size 16, you’ll very likely have some nasty headaches to contend with!"
Oy veh: Oh woe is me; oh what sadness / misfortune
(#2548) The home visit
Like many other Jewish mothers, Leah, who lives in the heart of North West London, worries every day about her lovely son Paul who is hundreds of miles away studying at Manchester University.
"Is he getting enough to eat?";
"Will he find a nice Jewish girl to marry?";
"Has he got enough nice clothes to wear?";
"Is he keeping away from people who are coughing and sneezing near him?"; etc, etc.
Today, after much worrying about whether Paul is dressing warmly enough, Leah decides to send him two nice long sleeved woollen shirts - one brown and one blue.
A couple of weeks later, at the end of term, Paul decides to return home for a few days to see his parents. After many hours of travelling on a train, he finally arrives at his parents front door. But just as he is about to ring the doorbell, he stops and thinks, "Maybe I should wear one of the shirts Mum recently sent me. It will make her happy." So he opens his suitcase, takes out the shirt on top, which happens to be the blue one, puts it on, closes his case and then rings the door bell. Almost immediately, his mother opens the door and wrapping her arms around him shouts, "Paul, bubbeleh darling, it's so very nice to have you home again."
"I'm also glad to be home again, mum" says Paul.
"And you're even wearing the blue shirt I sent you recently." says Leah, "But there's one thing I'd like to know."
"Oh, and what's that, Mum?" asks Paul.
"You didn't like the brown one?" asks Leah
bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, pet, honey)
(#2549) Sign in a pawnshop window in London's Hatton Garden
DON'T BE SHY
COME ON IN
WE CAN HELP YOU BORROW YOUR WAY OUT OF DEBT
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