go to the one hundred and sixtysixth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyfifth set of Jewish jokes

(#2530) Dependability
Moshe is boasting again, this time to his friend Aaron.
"Do you see this watch I'm wearing?" says Moshe pointing to it. "It's totally dependable."
"Nu? So why do you tell me this?" asks Aaron. "It looks quite an ordinary watch to me."
"So I'll tell you why," replies Moshe. "It doesn't matter what time it is - whether it's 11am here in London, or 8pm in Tel Aviv, or even midnight in Paris, I can be absolutely, totally sure that my watch will say it's exactly 4am."

(#2531) A sure fire solution
"I could sure do with your help, Joseph," says Isaac to his best friend.
"Nu, so what's your problem?" replies Joseph.
"Whenever I talk to my wife Rebecca," replies Isaac, "she never seems to be interested in what I'm saying."
"It's very common for such a thing to happen," says Joseph, "but thank God, there's a sure fire solution to your problem."
"So tell me already," says Isaac. "What is this solution?"
"You must talk in your sleep," replies Joseph.

(#2532) Time Shift
Today is Joshua and Esther's 50th wedding anniversary and during the day, Joshua has been looking at Esther and giving a lot of silent thought about how he feels about the last 50 years. He then goes over to her and says, "Esther darling, when we married 50 years ago, everything we owned was cheap. We lived together in a very basic two room apartment where I had to sleep on an armchair. We owned  a second-hand two door Ford Anglia and an 8" small black and white television set, both of which were always breaking down. In other words, we lived cheap! But, and here's the best bit, I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old beauty."
Esther smiles when she hears this.
"And now," continues Joshua, "50 years later, we are living in a £900,000 four-bedroom detached house in a posh part of Hampstead; we drive a 4 door Lexus Super-Hybrid car; and we watch TV on a 50 inch 3-D monster. But every night I have to sleep with a grey-haired 70 year old lady. Old age is just not fair, Esther."
Esther is, of course, not at all happy to hear this last bit. So she responds to Joshua in no uncertain terms. "So why don't you leave me now? I'll make you your favourite sandwiches before you go. I'm sure you can then easily find a nice sexy hot 20 year old girl who would ensure that you could once again live in a cheap house where you could sleep on a cheap armchair, watch TV on a small cheap black-and-white set, and once again drive a cheap car."
MORAL: Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

(#2533) Special bargaining language
Morris needs a new suit for a forthcoming family bar mitzvah, so he decides to visit his friend's shop, "ISAAC'S MENSWEAR," to see what he can get, quality and price wise.
"Hi Morris," says Isaac when he sees his friend in his shop. "Nice to see you in here at last. You're now inside the best menswear shop in London. There's no bargaining shbargaining in here!"
"I'm glad to hear it," says Morris. "I hate all that bartering that often goes on."
"OK. So what can I show you?" asks Isaac. "What are you looking for?"
"I'm looking to buy a suit for my nephew's bar mitzvah," replies Morris.
"Then I've got the very suit for you," says Isaac. "I'll go get it and show it to you."
Isaac soon comes back with a smart looking navy suit on a hanger and shows it to Morris. "Yes," says Morris, "that's exactly what I'm looking for. So how much is it?"
"Well," replies Isaac, "For this suit, I'm not asking for £230, nor £220, and not even £215. For this lovely smart suit, I'm asking for £210."
"It's a pleasure to be inside my friends shop," says Morris, "so I'm not going to insult you and offer you £130, or £150, or even £160. For this suit I'll give you £170."
"OK Morris," says Isaac, "it's yours for £190."
"It's a metsieh," says Morris. "So wrap it up already - I'll take it."

bar mitzvah: Religious ceremony marking coming of age of 13-year-old Jewish boy
metsieh: bargain, good deal

(#2534) An obvious solution
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Estelle, Nathan and their 10 year old daughter Talia are in a taxi on their way to Edgware Hospital where Talia is scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During their journey, Nathan once again explains to Talia how the procedure is likely to be performed.
As soon as he finishes talking, Talia says to him, "Thanks for explaining this to me again dad, but you've never told me how they will keep my mouth open during the operation."
"It's easy, darling," replies Nathan. "They're going to give you an iphone."

(#2535) Synagogue Bloopers
[My thanks to Alan D for the following]
These announcements, with their mistakes, appeared in shul newsletters.
•    Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
•    Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.
•    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
•    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery  downstairs.
•    We are pleased to announce the birth of David Minkowski, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Minkowski.
•    On Thursday, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
•    The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
•    The Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
•    Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
•    The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah and Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
•    Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
•    We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the  sanctuary. Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet come forward and get a piece of paper.
•    If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
•    The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Now Upp yours!"

(#2536) Doctor story number 1
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Louis has been a schlemazel all his life and once again, unfortunately, he has a problem - he's been diagnosed with acute Appendicitis and needs to have surgery to remove the infected Appendix.
Louis has the operation the following week and when he comes round from the anesthetic, he sees that doctor Levy is sitting by his bed.
"So tell me already," asks Louis, "how did my operation go?"
"Well Louis," replies doctor Levy, "there's good news and there's bad news."
"So give me the bad news already," says Louis.
"Well I'm terribly sorry to have to tell you this," replies doctor Levy, "but there's been an error. One of my nurses got your medical chart mixed up with another patient of mine and instead of removing your appendix, I removed your putz."
"Oy Veh!" moans Louis, "that's terrible, that's absolutely terrible. Everything seems to be happening to me these days. I don't suppose you've got any good news to tell me?"
"Well you're wrong, Louis," replies doctor Levy. "There actually is some good news. The tests on your putz have come back and it wasn't malignant." replies doctor Levy.

schlemazel: unlucky person; clumsy oaf
putz: penis
oy veh!: oh dear!, oh dear!

(#2537) Doctor story number 2
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Bernie is taken to hospital for a series of tests and not long after, doctor Morris enters Bernie's room.
"Bernie," says doctor Morris, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your tests have come back and the news isn't very good. In fact it's as bad as it could be. It seems that your condition is both terminal and untreatable."
"Oy Veh," cries Bernie. "So how much time do I have left?"
"Eight," replies doctor Morris.
"Eight what?" asks Bernie, "Eight years? Eight months? Eight days?"
Looking at his watch, doctor Morris replies, "eight ........ seven ....... six ........"

(#2538) Honesty is the best policy
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Shlomo is an honest person always looking for ways to save himself some money. After spending a week with his son and family in London, he returns to Israel with 7 dishwashers. As soon as he arrives at the customs desk, he's met by the Customs Officer who tells him, "Mr Levy, you can only import items duty free as long as they're for your own personal use. But as you have brought back 7 dishwashers, you must pay duty on 6 of them."
"But they're all for my personal use," says Shlomo. "I’m orthodox. So one of them is for milchedik, one for flayshedik, and one for parveh."
"OK Mr Levy," says the Customs Officer, "I can accept that. But what about the other 4 dishwashers?"
Shlomo replies, "I need three of them for Pesach - one for milchedik, one for flayshedik and one for parveh."
"OK, OK Mr Levy," says the Customs Officer, "that now makes 6. But what about the 7th dishwasher? What is that for?"
"Look, let me be honest," replies Shlomo. "Every once in a while I eat a little trayf."

orthodox: practising Jew
milchedik: pertaining to kosher dairy foods
flayshedik: pertaining to kosher meat dishes
parveh: pertaining to foods that include neither meat nor dairy products
trayf: non-kosher foods

(#2539) Signing in to a new class
[My thanks to Juergen M for the following]
10 year old Joshua has just moved up a class at his Jewish school and on his first day, Mr Levy, his new teacher, wants to find out how religious he is at home. For example, does his family pray at home?
So Mr Levy calls him up to his desk and in front of the class asks him a number of basic questions.
"So Joshua," asks Mr Levy, "what do you do when you sit down for dinner?"
"Nu, I sit down and eat. Mum's a good cook." replies Joshua.
"And what about your parents, Joshua? What do they do immediately they sit down to dinner?" asks Mr Levy.
" So what should they do?" replies Joshua, They also sit down and eat."
"And what usually happens when your meal is over?" asks Mr Levy.
"Well, I get up and leave the room to play on my computer." replies Joshua.
"And what do your parents do?" asks Mr Levy.
"So what should they do?" replies Joshua. "They also get up and leave. Dad watches TV and Mum washes and dries up."
"And just before you fall asleep, Joshua, what do you do?" asks Mr Levy.
"I turn on my side to be more comfortable," replies Joshua.
"And what do your parents do before they go to sleep?" asks Mr Levy.
"Must I really answer this?" replies Joshua. "I know the answer, and you know the answer. But is this the right type of question to be asking me in front of my class?"

go to the one hundred and sixtysixth set of Jewish jokes


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