go to the one hundred and sixtyfifth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyfourth set of Jewish jokes

(#2520) Best ideas
Did you know that there are some very well known ideas on how best to argue with a Jewish wife?
Unfortunately, none of them work!

(#2521) Rules to make your Jewish business a great success
Rule Number 1: Never, ever, tell anyone about the things that you know.
Rule Number 2:

(#2522) The story of Elijah
Emanuel, the Sunday school teacher, is telling his class the story of the Prophet Elijah and the false prophets of Baal. He explains to his class how Elijah built the altar; put wood upon it; cut the cow in pieces and laid it upon the altar. Then how Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar; and to do this four times.
Emanuel then asks his class, "Now can anyone here tell me why the Lord wanted Elijah to pour water over the cow on the altar?"
Kitty, a little girl at the back of the classroom starts waving her hand, "I know teacher, I know," she shouts out. "It's to make the gravy."

(#2523) Singing in Shul
"So Rivkah," says Hetty, "now that you've reached 70, what do you think of old age, eh?"
"What do I think of old age?" replies Rivkah. "Feh, I think it sucks. There's only one thing I like about it."
"And what is that?" asks Hetty.
"I can brush my teeth whilst singing my favourite shul melodies," replies Rivkah.

feh: an expression of disapproval, disgust etc
shul: synagogue

(#2524) It's not what you think
[my thanks to Abe S for the following]
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Moshe has a date with Peggy Sue Levy. He arrives at her house and rings the doorbell. The door opens and Sarah, Peggy Sue's mother, warmly welcomes Moshe in. "Shalom Moshe. Peggy Sue will be down soon. So nu? What are you and my daughter planning to do tonight?" she asks him.
"Oh, we'll probably go to Hampstead and grab a bite to eat at Minky's Kosher Deli," replies Moshe. "Then we'll end up by going to a local night club. We love dancing."
"If it will help your evening to go well," Sarah whispers to him, "let me tell you that my Peggy Sue likes to screw."
"Oy gevalt, Mrs Levy. I'm totally surprised to hear that," says Moshe looking incredulous. "Are you joking?" 
"Of course I'm not joking," replies Sarah. "As a matter of fact, my Peggy Sue would screw all night if she could."
"Well, thanks for the tip," says Moshe, as he begins thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, children," Sarah says a few minutes later as they are leaving.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue bursts into her house and slams the front door behind her.
"What's the matter, bubbeleh?" asks Sarah.
"The Twist, mummy!" Peggy Sue angrily yells at her. "The dance is called the Twist not the Screw!"

oy gevalt: exclamation to denote astonishment, fear or terror
bubbeleh: term of endearment (like dear, darling, pet, honey)

(#2525) Anger Management
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Esther is having a chat with her friend. "Becky," she says, "did you know that your husband Moshe is always bragging about you? He says that you never get angry with him, you never raise your voice to him, and you never ever complain about him. So tell me already. How do you manage to do that? I certainly couldn't do that with my David."
"It's easier than you think," replies Becky. "Here's what I do. Whenever I'm angry with Moshe, I just go upstairs and clean the toilet. And my anger instantly ceases."
"So how on earth does cleaning the toilet help you?" asks Esther.
"I use his toothbrush, that's how," replies Becky.

(#2526) The love scene
[my thanks to Hilary for the following]
Becky and her husband Louis take his elderly mother Kitty to see a movie. They were enjoying the film when suddenly a very explicit bedroom love scene comes onto the screen. Feeling very embarrassed, Becky wonders what Kitty must be thinking about this scene.
Just then, she feels Kitty's hand touch hers. With her eyes still glued to the screen, Kitty says to her, "Lovely sheets, aren't they Becky? I wonder where she bought them from?"

(#2527) Sam Levy's text message to his wife Esther
 [my thanks to Allan D for the following]
Sam Levy texted his wife, "Darling, sorry to tell you but I got hit by a car near my office this morning and I'm now in Watford General Hospital. Sharon brought me here. The doctors have been making tests and taking X-rays and the good news is that they've told me that the big blow I took to my forehead shouldn't have any lasting effect. But I've broken two ribs and my left arm. I've also got a fractured leg which they say should hopefully heal over the next 3 months or so. Sorry darling for putting you through all this worry."
Esther immediately texted back, "Who's Sharon?"

(#2528) Rejection
[my thanks to John B for the following]
Moshe and his wife Rifka go to see a West End Musical. They are both looking forward to it because Davidus, the lead male dancer in the show, is Jewish and has been receiving rave reviews.
Soon after the show starts, Davidus walks onto the stage and starts doing the most beautiful, energetic and exciting dancing they've seen for a long time. His dances include some Gadi Biton and Rafi Ziv Israeli dances; some moon walking; some break dancing; some acrobatic dancing; and even some rock-and-roll.  Suddenly, Rifka turns to Moshe and pointing to Davidus on the stage says, "I knew I had seen him before. He's the man who proposed to me nearly 20 years ago - before I met you of course. But I quickly rejected him as he just wasn't my type."
With a big grin on his face, Moshe says, "Well it certainly looks like he's still celebrating!"
STOP PRESS: Moshe hopes to return home from hospital soon

(#2529) What an operation!
[my thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Nathan is a shlemiel - he's been one all his life. And now, unfortunately, he has been diagnosed with having a cancerous appendix and has to be operated on to remove it. Later, as he comes out from under the anaesthesia, he sees Dr. Levy sitting by his bedside.
"So tell me already," Nathan asks Dr. Levy, "how did the operation go?"
"Well Nathan," replies Dr. Levy, "there's good new and there's bad news."
"OK doctor," says Nathan, "give me the bad news first."
"I'm sorry to tell you this Nathan," replies Dr. Levy, "but there was an error during the operation. One of the nurses got your chart mixed up with another patient. Instead of removing your appendix, we removed your putz instead."
"Oy Vey," screams Nathan, "that's terrible. I can't believe this is happening to me. So what can the good news be?"
"The final tests have come back on your appendix and it wasn't cancerous after all." replies Dr Levy.

shlemiel: simpleton, a born loser
putz (vulgar): penis

go to the one hundred and sixtyfifth set of Jewish jokes


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