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go to the one hundred and sixtyfourth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and sixtythird set of Jewish jokes
The miracle of water
[my thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Morris goes to see Rabbi Levy. "How can I help you Morris?" asks the Rabbi.
"I'm worried about my Hannah's temper, Rabbi," replies Morris. "Quite regularly now, she suddenly loses her temper for no reason at all and it really scares me. I just don't know what to do about it."
Rabbi Levy contemplates for a while, then says, "OK Morris, I think I have the solution. Here's what you must do. Immediately Hannah starts to get angry, take a glass of water and start swishing the water around the inside of your mouth. But don't swallow the water - just swish it around and around your mouth until Hannah calms down."
"OK Rabbi," says Morris, "I don't know why that should work, but I'll give it a try."
Ten days later, looking fresh and relaxed, Morris goes back to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi," he says, "that was a brilliant solution of yours. Every time my Hannah started to lose her temper, I did what you said. I swished my mouth with water. I swished and I swished, and while I was swishing, my Hannah calmed right down in front of my eyes. It was a miracle, Rabbi, a true miracle. But why should a glass of water do that?"
"The water itself does nothing, Morris." replies Rabbi Levy. "It's keeping your mouth shut that makes it work."
(#2511) Jewish question time
A very well known Israeli bank decides to take its staff on a Pacific Ocean Cruise. And one week before the Cruise Ship is due to set sail, the bank invites the Ship's captain to give the staff a talk on the important procedures they should follow whilst onboard.
During his talk, the captain asks, "OK, here's an easy question for you. Suppose you saw an employee fall overboard. What should you do?"
David, one of the clerks, puts his hand up and replies, "I would shout out loud, "MAN OVERBOARD, MAN OVERBOARD."
"Correct," says the captain. "And what would you do if you saw it was one of your managers that had just fallen overboard?"
David replies, "It would depend on which manager."
(#2512) The Hobby
Jonathan goes to visit his old friend Lionel whose wife had recently passed away. As soon as he arrives, Jonathan notices how sad and empty Lionel looked. "What's the matter my friend?" asks Jonathan. "You look so washed out."
"You too would look like me if your wife had just died and you had no children or grandchildren nearby to visit you." replies Lionel.
"I know how hard it is to be so alone," says Jonathan. "As you know, I lost my lovely Sadie five years ago now and that is when I discovered that hobbies kept me from losing my mind. I believe it's absolutely essential for you to find a hobby to take your mind off things."
"But I already have a hobby," says Lionel. "I keep bees."
"Really? So where do you keep your bees?" asks Jonathan.
"I keep them in my bedroom, if you must know," replies Lionel.
"That's a strange place to keep bees," says Jonathan, "don't they sting you whilst you're asleep?"
"No," replies Lionel, "because I keep them inside my wardrobe."
"But surely they escape every time you open your wardrobe door?" says Jonathan.
"No, I keep them locked up inside a large wooden box," says Lionel.
"Well alright," says Jonathan, "I can see now that they can't escape and sting you. And no doubt you've kept them alive by drilling lots of small air holes in the box."
"What for should I have done that?" asks Lionel.
"Are you stupid or something?" replies Jonathan. "To allow them to breathe, that's why. If they can't breathe, they die!"
"So they die," says Lionel, shrugging.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing," says Jonathan. "Are you a shmuck or what? Don't you care if all your bees die?"
"It's only a hobby," replies Lionel.
shmuck: a stupid person; a penis
(#2513) Seeing is believing
[my thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
One day, Moshe falls over in his garden and lands face first on top of a rose bush. Unfortunately, this causes him serious damage to his left eye and eventually results in a glass eye having to be fitted. And every night, Moshe has to put his glass eye in a glass of water by his bedside.
But one day, after Moshe has some shmaltz herring for supper, he wakes up at 1am with a terrible thirst. Feeling drowsy, he reaches for his glass of water and starts to drink, but immediately swallows his glass eye by mistake.
Next morning, Moshe goes to see Dr Frankel. After explaining what had happened, Moshe is given some strong laxative by Dr Frankel with the instruction, "I want you to carefully watch your motions for the next few days."
"OK, doctor," says Moshe.
But nothing 'emerges' during the following four days, so Moshe goes back to see Dr Frankel. Dr Frankel immediately tells Moshe to drop his trousers and pants and lie face down on his couch. Dr Frankel then carries out a detailed rectal examination.
After two minutes of this, Moshe, still lying on his stomach, asks, "So doctor, can you see anything?"
"No Moshe, I can't see anything yet," replies Dr Frankel.
"That's funny," says Moshe, "I can see you very clearly!"
shmaltz herring: Herring caught before spawning when it is very fat
(#2514) The only solution
After many hours of shopping in London's West End, Leah is having a coffee when she suddenly realises that her diamond necklace is missing. She loves that necklace so much that she immediately phones her husband Jacob and says to him, "Oy Vey, Jacob, I've lost my diamond necklace and I'm just about to start re-visiting the shops I went to earlier. So I'm going to be home a little later than normal. But don't worry about me."
"OK," says Jacob, "best of luck."
Leah then starts re-visiting all the shops she had been to earlier, but no one had seen her necklace. So feeling devastated, Leah makes a sudden decision. She would buy another diamond necklace right now from her favourite Jewellers, even though they were some distance away. She immediately starts walking to the nearest tube station.
Very much later than expected, Leah arrives back home. Jacob immediately gives her a kiss and a hug and says, "I've been so worried about you. Where have you been all this time?"
"I couldn't find my necklace, so I decided to buy myself a new one from Minkys The Jeweller."
"I can't believe you would do this to me," says Jacob. "Knowing how much I worry about you, you suddenly decide to buy a new diamond necklace without my help and advice? And not only that - from an expensive shop that is some distance away from us, even?"
"I'm really sorry," she says to Jacob, "but for me, losing jewellery is just like someone falling off a horse. If they don't immediately get back on the horse, they will never ride a horse again!"
Vey: Oh Dear
(#2515) Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
Rachel, a very attractive young lady, is on a flight from London to Tel Aviv. She has been worrying a lot ever since they took off and now decides to speak to the man sitting next to her whom she heard addressed by one of the cabin crew as "Rabbi."
"Excuse me Rabbi," she says to him, "would you mind if I ask you for a very big favour?"
"Of course not," he replies, "but I can't guarantee I'll be able to help. What is this favour?"
"Well rabbi, my mother lives in Tel Aviv and tomorrow is her 60th birthday. I bought her an expensive hair dryer in London before I left. It's in the overhead locker above us and it's unopened. But unfortunately, it's well over the Customs' limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it from me. Is there any way you could carry the hairdryer through customs for me? Maybe you could put it in your hand luggage. With you being a Rabbi, no one in Customs would question you."
"I would love to help you," replies the Rabbi, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"Thank you Rabbi," she says.
When they get to Customs, she lets the Rabbi go first. The official looks at his passport and says to him, "Do you have anything to declare, Rabbi?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I must admit that I have nothing to declare."
This was such a strange answer to receive from a Rabbi that the official has to ask him a further question. "So what, if anything, do you have to declare below your waist, Rabbi?"
"I have a marvelous instrument," replies the Rabbi, "that was designed to be used on a woman, but which is unfortunately unused so far."
"That's very funny Rabbi," says the official laughing out loud, "You may now go through. Next," he calls out.
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A Jewish wife who lets her husband make love to her as soon as she arrives back home after having her hair done.
(#2517) Good news and bad
Soon after he makes Adam, God says to him, "I have some good news and some bad news for you, Adam. If you haven't yet noticed, I have decided to give you not one but two organs."
"And what, my God, are these two organs?" asks Adam politely.
"Firstly, I've given you a brain." God replies. "This will allow you to think and to control the world. And for the second organ, I've given you a penis. This will allow you to fully enjoy your lovemaking."
"Those 2 organs sound great to me," says Adam, "so what is the bad news?"
"I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time," God replies.
(#2518) The missing person
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
The Sunday after a nice family Shabbes, Bernard decides to play golf. On the course, he accidentally overturns his golf cart with a loud clatter.
Freda, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa overlooking the golf course, hears the noise and calls out, "Are you OK what's-your-name?"
"My name is Bernard and I’m OK thanks," he replies.
"Forget your troubles, Bernard. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart upright later."
"That's very nice of you," says Bernard, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Freda insists.
Freda was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . and Bernard was weak. "Well okay," Bernard finally agrees, and adds, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative glasses of Palwin's wine and some creative putting lessons, Bernard thanks his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" says Freda with a smile. "She won't know anything about this. By the way, where is she?"
"She's under the cart." replies Bernard.
Shabbes: The Sabbath, which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday
(#2519) A quick conversation
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
Moshe meets Isaac, whom he hasn’t seen for some time. "Isaac," says Moshe, "it's really great to see you again. How’s Miriam and the kids?"
"Azoi," replies Isaac, "and how's Sarah and your two boys?"
"Freig Nisht!" replies Moshe.
Freig Nisht: Don’t ask
(#0000) A father's bar mitzvah speech
This is an actual speech (only the names have been changed to protect the innocent) given by a bar mitzvah boy's father at the reception following the bar mitzvah
Yitzhak Posner is the father
Sarah is the mother
Shlomo is the bar mitzvah boy
Ruth is the daughter
Posner is the family surname
Bar mitzvah, Mums and Dads, Ruth over there, Rabbi, relatives and friends.
I know you've heard it all before but I really must thank you all for coming here this afternoon and helping to make this a very happy and memorable occasion for Sarah and me.
We would also like to say that we are particularly happy to have both our parents here today to witness their first grandson's bar mitzvah. May there be many more simchas for them to come.
A number of our friends have told us that a bar mitzvah weekend equals two of the most joyous and rewarding days in Jewish family life, and for us, the Posners, Shlomo's bar mitzvah has been no exception. Shlomo has done us proud in more ways than one and his hard work and preparation for this event has obviously paid off. I know that Shlomo will continue to make his parents proud of him all through his life. Well done Shlomo.
Now for a little moan. This weekend, all I have heard from many of you are stories of one particular Posner when he was younger - how he hit people over the head with wooden bats; how he broke windows with stones; even how he caused one particular uncle to slip a disk. Well once and for all, I must strongly deny these allegations. How could someone like me do all those nasty things? Do I look like that sort of person? Well do I? Well actually you're right, I was a lobbes!
But thank goodness Shlomo has never been like me in this respect. But he is just as active and injury prone. I remember many years ago, when he was tumbling around on his bed trying, I believe, to perfect a triple with 1 1/2 twist - in the pike position, he missed, landed on his head and hurt his neck. When the doctor came, Shlomo, being very dramatic, told him, "I'm sure my neck is broken." The doctor replied, "Don't worry Shlomo - keep your chin up."
Shlomo was not amused either, but he got his own back on the medical profession some years later when he had a minor operation on his ears. For the technical, he had grummets put in. And when he came round from the anaesthetic, the surgeon said to him, "Hello Shlomo. You'll be pleased to hear that your operation was a great success." Shlomo looked at the surgeon and said, "Pardon!"
Now where was I? Oh yes, Shlomo is an extremely active boy (or should I now say MAN?). He plays football - he's mad on Arsenal - and some will say you have to be mad to support Arsenal. He participates in school athletics, he plays a mean game of table tennis and darts; and he's a good swimmer.
Talking about football, I was chatting to my father-in-law the other day about my favourite subject - my past football injuries - when suddenly, without warning, he bent down and rolled his trousers to his knees. I thought at first he must be practising for a Masonic meeting - but then he showed me several large cuts and bruises on his shins. "I didn't know you played football," I said. "Don't be stupid, Yitzhak," he replied, "you know I partner your mother-in-law at Bridge!"
Anyway, coming back to today, Sarah and I just can't believe that after years of talking about, and thinking of, and planning for, this weekend, it's finally here. During this time, we've gone through all the normal ups & downs parents face with growing children, but with all that, I can honestly say that "It's been great fun." No really, it's not been bad. But then we all know bringing up children always has its problems - as my own parents will testify to - and they had 3 boys to put up with - in fact they still have.
For example, one incident that comes to mind, and I'm not ashamed to tell you of this closely guarded secret as I am amongst friends, concerns mum having to get psychiatric advice about me of all people. She told the psychiatrist that I had an obsession for climbing trees. All day long, she said, I climbed trees and even built myself a tree house. (it's true, you ask my uncles.) The psychiatrist replied by telling mum that my behaviour was perfectly normal. "Maybe," mum replied, "but Yitzhak now wants his wife Sarah and his children to move in with him."
But thank goodness our daughter Ruth is perfectly normal and is now growing up into a beautiful young lady as you can all see. She is the sole reason why I've had to take out a second mortgage on my house to pay my phone bill - and why you have not been able to get through to us on our house phone for the last 12 months. But she doesn't only talk to boys over the phone - she goes out with them as well. And that's why I'm the proud owner of a new chauffeur's cap. One of her boyfriends went to kiss Ruth goodnight the other day in the back of my car - when I was still in the car. But she said to him, "Hold on a minute, I've got scruples you know." Quick as a flash he replied, "Don't worry. I've been vaccinated! Clever so and so.
I've taken enough of your time already, but before I pass you over to the Rabbi for Bracha over bread, how many of you saw his car outside the hotel today? Well I can tell you that his number plate is POY 1A. Did you know that 'poy' is a famous gastronomic dish? My friend Graham over there is a gourmet and he knew of this fabulous dish by reputation only. Graham had been hunting for this dish everywhere but without success - that is until he heard of a village near Katmandu that served it. He couldn't afford to take his wife Linda, so he sold his gold watch to buy a return plane ticket to India. He flew there; hired gurus and carriers; and after weeks of climbing mountains, he found the Monastery (excuse me Rabbi for mentioning this word). He then asked the monk who answered the door to prepare the Poy dish at once. The monk said, "Certainly Sir. Do you want Sheppard's Poy or Steak and Kidney Poy?"
Thank you everyone.
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