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go to the one hundred and sixtythird set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and sixtysecond set of Jewish jokes
Please be careful
In some Jewish families where there is an only child, the child is so protected that their tricycle would have 6 wheels, plus a driver.
(#2501) An Elderly Thank You
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
90 year old Becky wins a Sony Radio at the Senior Citizens luncheon sponsored by her local shul. She is so happy that she writes the following letter to her Rabbi to say thank you:
Dear Rabbi Schwartzkoff
God bless you and your committee for your kindness in making available the radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. As you probably know, I'm 90 years old and live at the Nightingale Jewish Home for the Aged, and as I'm the only member of my family still alive, it's nice to know that someone is still thinking of me.
My 95 year old roommate Rivka has always had her own radio, but has never let me listen to it, even when she's sleeping or out of the room. So when the other day her radio fell off the stand and broke, she started crying.
Her distress touched me and I knew this was Hashem’s way of answering my prayers. So when Rivka eventually asked me if she could listen to my radio, I told her to kish mir in tuchas.
Thank you all for creating that opportunity for me.
kish mir in tuchas: kiss my bottom
(#2502) You can't fool me
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following
Four Yeshiva buchers were taking a course in the Talmud together and all four had managed to earn A's so far. They were so confident of passing Monday morning's final exam that they decided to visit some friends in another town on the Sunday, do some all-night partying, then leave to get back in time. But they overdid it and slept soundly on the Sunday night and thus didn't make it back until Monday afternoon.
After discussing their predicament, all four decided to go to the Rabbi that afternoon with the same story - that they had visited some friends out of town, but on the way back their car developed a flat tyre and they therefore couldn't help missing the final exam. After hearing their story, the Rabbi agreed they could take the final the next day. The students were relieved and all studied diligently that night for the exam.
The next day the Rabbi placed them in separate rooms, giving each of them an exam booklet. All four of them were able to answer the first question, worth 5 points. "A mekheiyeh," each one thought, "this exam is going to be easy."
Then they turned the page and written on the second page was the second question: -
"For 95 points, which tyre was it that developed a flat?
Yeshiva buchers: A yeshiva student; a gullible or inexperienced person
Talmud: A massive compilation of writing, forming the basic body of Jewish laws & traditions
A mekheiyeh: A pleasure
(#2503) So who is right?
One afternoon, as Moshe Levy returns home, he slips on the pavement and hurts his leg. Immediately he's inside his house, he phones Dr Jacobs.
"Oy veh, doctor," says Moshe, "have I hurt my leg! What should I do?"
"So tell me already," asks Dr Jacobs, "what exactly are your symptoms?"
Moshe explains his symptoms to Dr Jacobs, such as where the leg pain is and how swollen it is. Then, after a short period of silence, Dr Jacobs says, "You should soak your leg in hot water."
Moshe thanks the doctor, runs a hot bath and spends the next 30 minutes keeping his bad leg under the hot water. But the leg swells up even more, causing Moshe to moan out loud.
Moshe's au pair hears his moaning, knocks on the bathroom door, and asks him if he's alright. Moshe tells her what Dr Jacobs had told him to do.
"But that's not right, Mr Levy," says his au pair. "Everyone knows that you should bathe swollen limbs in cold water, not hot. That why it's not getting better."
Moshe thanks her, lets the hot water out the bath and refills it with cold water. Bathing his leg in the cold water helps a lot and the swelling quickly subsides.
After drying himself and getting dressed, Moshe leaves the bathroom and phones Dr Jacobs.
"What kind of doctor are you? You tell me to soak my injured leg in hot water, and it swells up even more. But then my au pair tells me I should have been soaking it in cold, not hot water. And when I do this, my leg gets better."
"I don't understand it," says Dr Jacobs, "my au pair distinctly told me you should soak a swollen leg in hot water!"
(#2504) A smell of success?
Jeremy meets his best friend Shlomo in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. So how are you keeping, Shlomo?" he asks.
"I'm doing well, thank you Jeremy," replies Shlomo, "I've even started writing some pop music. Maybe one day I'll become famous."
"Have you written anything so far?" asks Jeremy.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," replies Shlomo. "I've written a pop song and called it PAUL THE FORK."
"Oy Vey," says Jeremy, "what kind of music title is that? It will never catch on."
"Well," says Shlomo, "MACK THE KNIFE didn't do too badly, did it?"
(#2505) The Quiz Show's easy question
During a new television Quiz program, Miriam, one of the contestants, is asked by Isaac the Quiz master, "OK Miriam, what category of question would you like me to start with?"
"Famous People," replies Miriam.
"OK," says Isaac. "As you know, my questions will start very easy and get very much more difficult as you progress. Are you ready for the first question, then?"
"Yes I am," replies Miriam.
"OK," says Isaac, "Who was the first man?"
Miriam instantly replies, "Even if you were offering me one million pounds for this answer, I would never ever tell you. I'm keeping shtoom"
shtoom: keeping quiet. mum's the word
(#2506) What were you thinking?
[My thanks to Abe S for the following]
Two statues have been facing each other in some shrubs across a pathway in a park in Golders Green for over 100 years. One is of Morry, a famous Jewish benefactor and the other is of Naomi, his very kind, loving and supportive wife.
But then one day, an angel comes down from heaven and quickly brings Morry and Naomi back to life. "As a reward not only because you were both such good Jewish people when you were alive," says the angel, "but also because you have both been so patient during the last 100 years, suffering blazing summers and dismal winters out here in the park, I'm pleased to tell you that you've both been given an extra 30 minutes of life to enable you to do whatever you wish to do the most. So go do it now. Enjoy!"
Morry looks at Naomi, Naomi looks at Morry, and then holding hands, they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and lots of giggling is heard. After 15 minutes of this, Morry and Naomi return, both out of breath and both laughing loudly.
"OK," says the angel, "you still have 15 minutes left. Would you like to do that again?"
Morry asks Naomi, "So shall we then?"
Naomi eagerly replies, "Oh yes Morry, let's do it again. But this time, let's change positions. I'll hold the pigeon down, Morry, and you can kakn on its head."
kakn: to defecate
(#2507) He's a big boy
[my thanks to Malcolm C for the following]
Morris is having a drink in "Raffi's Jewish Bar" when he gets a call from his wife. After a short chat with her, he orders drinks for everybody and proudly announces out loud, "Good news everyone. My Sarah has just given birth to a typical Jewish baby boy. He's our first child and he weighs 25 pounds."
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh that much, but Morris just says. "That's about average for my family, and my son's a typical chasid boy."
Two weeks later, Morris returns to the bar. As soon as he enters, Raffi goes over to him and says, "You're the father of the Jewish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? We've all been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does your son now weigh?"
Morris proudly replies, "My son David now weighs 17 pounds."
Raffi is quite concerned. "So what happened? He was 25 pounds when he was born."
Morris leans over to Raffi and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"
chasid: member of an orthodox religious sect
(#2508) Two riddles for children
Q: Who was the straightest man in Genesis?
A: Joseph - because he was a ruler
Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: Because he only had two worms.
(#2509) Critical Thinking At Its Best
[My thanks to John B for the following]
Fay: Do you drink beer?
Fay: How many beers a day?
David: Usually about 3
Fay: How much do you pay per beer?
David: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary!)
Fay: And how long have you been drinking?
David: About 20 years, I suppose
Fay: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Fay: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Fay: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
David: Do you drink beer?
David: Where’s your Ferrari?
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