go to the one hundred and sixtysecond set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixtyfirst set of Jewish jokes

(#2490) A grave story
[My thanks to Vivian B-C for the following]
David's friends, Moshe and Abe, persuade him to join them in a night out in Golders Green, and they take him to the "The Toches Arms" pub. But David is not used to drinking and falls asleep after only three pints of beer. So, tightly holding on to him, Moshe and Abe start walking David to their car.
But after a few minutes of walking, Moshe and Abe decide, in their somewhat shikker state, that it would be a laugh to take David to a cemetery and put him on top of a gravestone to sleep it off. And that is what they do.
At 6am next morning, David wakes up and finds himself on his own, laying on top of a grave. Very worried, he looks up to heaven and says, "As ich laib, vos tee ich do?  Odder as ich laib nisht fer vus daff ich gayen pishen?"

toches: The rear end, bottom, buttocks
shikker: drunk
As ich laib, vos tee ich do? Odder as ich laib nisht fer vus daff ich gayen pishen?: If I am alive, what am I doing here? If I am not alive, why do I need to have a pee?

(#2491) Not as bad as it looks
The Titanic is sinking and Louis and his wife Naomi find themselves in the same life raft. Unfortunately however, this life raft has been damaged during the panic to throw it overboard, and it was also very slowly sinking. And to make matters worse, the water around them was ice cold; there are sharks all around them; they have no food or drink; nor is there any kind of weapon or emergency flare on board.
After a few minutes of silence, Louis turns to his wife and says, "I suppose we shouldn't be too ungrateful, Naomi. Things could have been much worse."
"What on earth do you mean - things could have been much worse?" replies Naomi, "Are you meshugga or something? How could it be any worse?"
"Well," replies Louis, "we could have bought return tickets!"

meshugga: crazy, mad

(#2492) Not too bad
It's shabbes morning and Aaron has just arrived at his shul. As he gets to his seat, there, next to him, is his friend Monty. "Shabbat Shalom," says Aaron. "And Shabbat Shalom to you too," replies Monty, wincing in pain.
"What's the matter?" asks Aaron.
"My feet are absolutely killing me," replies Monty, "because my shoes are too small."
"Meshugganah," says Aaron, "so why are you wearing shoes that are too small for you?"
"I'll tell you why," replies Monty. "I'm having the worst time of my life, that's why. In the last few weeks, my wife Rachel has regularly been having bad migraine attacks and I can't get near her even to cuddle her; my beautiful daughter Talia has left home to live with a goy; my son Nathan has decided that he doesn't want to continue to study for his degree and is now wasting his time doing absolutely gornisht; and to cap it all, my company has made me redundant, leaving me with no money to pay my bills. But Aaron, when I take these shoes off, life all of a sudden becomes so very much better."

shabbes: The Sabbath which lasts from sundown on Friday to sunset on Saturday.
shul: synagogue
Shabbat Shalom: A shabbes greeting
meshugganah: a crazy person
goy: a non Jew
gornisht: nothing

(#2493) Overriding decision
[My thanks to Rabbi G for the following]
The menahel in Yerushalayim telephones the melamad and says, "You won't have to come in today because only six children have shown up due to the snow we had overnight."
The melamad replies, "Thank you for telling me, sir. But I'm going to come in anyway because in my house, there are 15 children!"

menahel: the principal of the school, or supervisor
Yerushalayim: Jerusalem
melamed: teacher of elementary Hebrew

(#2494) Mistaken identity
[My thanks to David L for the following]
Kitty has been living on her own in a luxury apartment in Bushey UK for over 10 years, ever since her husband died. But on the positive side, her son Henry has been very successful as a businessman, wheeling and dealing all over the world, As a result, he shops at the finest boutiques and department stores during his excursions to the world's major cities.
During his latest trip, this time to Paris, Henry suddenly realises that he won't be able to get back home in time for his mother's 70th birthday. So he posts her via SSD (Special Speedy Delivery) a special iced-box containing not only the finest of Russian caviar but also two bottles of the most expensive of Champagnes.
On the morning of her birthday, Henry phones Kitty and says, "Happy birthday mummy. Did you receive my box?"
"Of course I got your box," replies Kitty in a bored tone of voice.
"So nu? Tell me already. How was it?" asks Henry.
"If you want an honest answer," Kitty replies, "the sparkling lemon juice was too sour for me and the blackcurrant jam tasted salty."

(#2495) Not very clever
Benjy arrives home early one afternoon and finds his wife Rose in bed with Arnold, their next door neighbour. "What on earth are you two doing in bed together?" he shouts at them.
After a few seconds of silence, Rose turns to Arnold and says, "See. Maybe now you can understand what I've been telling you? Didn't I tell you that he was a shmuck?"

shmuck: a stupid person; a penis

(#2496) Big mistake
[My thanks to Vivian B C for the following]
It has been a very cold snowy night for Sarah and the next morning, she's having trouble opening windows. As her husband Benjamin is away on business, and you know what Jewish wives are like, she immediately texts him for advice: -
Sarah: "Snowed last night. Windows now frozen. Won't open. What do I do?"
Benjamin: "Try gently pouring on some warm water."
Sarah (5 minutes later): "Stupid idea - the computer is really messed up now."

(#2497) Decisions, decisions
Many Jewish husbands are known to be unable to make any kind of decision, whether simple or complicated. David, one such husband, goes with his wife Andrea to a local cafe. As soon as they are seated, the waiter goes over to David and asks him, "Would you like tea or coffee, sir?"
David thinks for a while, then replies, "Half and half, please."

(#2498) The obedient one
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Morris takes his four children to a toy shop. As soon as they enter, Morris is given a free raffle ticket - and oy veh, what luck - he wins a prize of a toy up to the value of £10.
"Gather round children," he says to them, "we've just won a prize. One of us can choose a £10 toy."
"Oh goody, goody," they all shout out.
"So who do you think should have it?" Morris asks them.
"OK then," Morris continues, "let me help you choose. Who is the most obedient amongst us? Who never argues or talks back to mother and who always does whatever she asks?"
"OK dad, you win," they all shout. "You should have the toy."
(#2499) A naughy'ish joke
Moshe the mortician is working late one day examining the body of Schwartz, who is soon to be cremated. Suddenly, Moshe makes a startling discovery - the body definitely doesn't have a shmekeleh - it has the largest shlong he's seen so far.
"I'm sorry Schwartz," he says to the body, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive shlong. It really has to be saved for posterity."
Moshe then very carefully cuts off the shlong, puts it into his briefcase and takes it home with him.
"Darling," he says to his wife Naomi when he arrives home, "I've something very rare to show you." Then just as he opens his briefcase, Naomi takes one look inside and shouts out, "Oy Vey! Schwartz is dead!"

shmekeleh: a little penis

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