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go to the one hundred and fiftyfourth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftythird set of Jewish jokes
Maurice is introduced to Arnold at a party. "So where do you live, Arnold?" he asks.
"I live in Bushey," replies Arnold.
"Really?" says Maurice. "I'm told a well known person called Mordechai lives in Bushey. Have you heard of him?"
"Have I heard of him?" replies Arnold, "Of course I've heard of him. He's a bondit and a groisser sheeser. He's stubborn and thinks he's the best at everything. He borrows money from anyone he meets and it takes great effort to get it back from him. He's a khazer and even eats on Yom Kippur. And he's had affairs which his wife doesn't know about."
"Oy, what a horrible person! How come you know so much about him?" asks Maurice.
"He's my best friend," replies Arnold.
bondit: someone who is clever at getting away with things or beating the system
groisser sheeser: a big shot
Yom Kippur: Fasting holy day
khazer: someone who eats too much, a greedy6 person.
(#2411) The escape
12 year old Paul, holding a harmonica in his hand, comes to visit his grandfather David. "Zeyda," says Paul, "look what daddy bought me. Can I play it to you?"
"Of course you can, bubbeleh," replies David. "It's a lovely present and you know that I love all kinds of music. But before you play it for me, let me tell you a story about why music is so very important to our family. I bet you didn't know that music once saved bubbeh's and my life."
"No I didn't. What happened zeyda?" asks Paul.
"Many years ago," replies David, "we had such bad flooding here in Edgware that water just poured into our house. And within minutes the water was up to our waists. I quickly realised that we had to get out quickly, so I put bubbeh on the kitchen table, pushed her out of the house and she floated to safety."
"And how did you get out of the house?" asks Paul.
"I accompanied your bubbeh on the piano," replies David, smiling. "Now show me how well you can play your harmonica."
(#2412) That's how
[My thanks to Vivian BS for the following]
Sarah is a typical Jewish mother - she loves her 10 year old son Paul dearly and is very protective. Today, she and her husband Bernard are going out for a rare evening meal with some close friends and she's been trying to find a babysitter, but without much success. So she says to Paul, "bubbeleh, your daddy and I are shortly going out for dinner to the Minkovs. As you know, they're only a few streets away, but unfortunately, bubbeleh, we can't find a baby sitter for you. But I think we can safely leave you alone at home tonight. After all, you have the TV to watch, our dog Moishe will be with you and will bark if anyone comes to the door. And I'll leave you our phone number in case you need us. We can be back home in 5 minutes if need be. Are you happy with doing this bubbeleh?"
"Of course mum," replies Paul. "I'll be alright. In fact, I think I'll invite my friend Esther from across the road to join me. She and I go to the same cheder. We can then watch TV together."
"What a good idea, bubbeleh," says Sarah. "If you do that, I won’t need to worry too much that you'll be alone."
As soon as Sarah and Bernard leave, Paul phones Esther and within minutes, she joins him.
"So Paul," Esther asks with a mischievous smile on her face. "what do you think we should do tonight?"
"I know," says Paul, "why don't we play mums and dads?"
"So what's your version of this game?" asks Esther.
"We'll go upstairs to my parents bedroom," replies Paul, "turn off the light, take off all our clothes and get into bed."
"And then what do we do?" asks Rachel, getting a bit embarrassed.
"Then we can speak Yiddish to each other." replies Paul.
cheder: Hebrew School
(#2413) The Song Title
[My thanks to Howard K for the following]
Ruben is a very simple person and his knowledge of American history, politics, music, and humour is limited, as is his translation of Yinglish. He has just returned to England from a first time visit to the USA and as soon as his Ocean Liner docks, his friend Yehudah is waiting for him. On their way home, Yehudah wants to hear some of the highlights of Ruben's trip, so he asks, "Tell me Ruben, what was it you liked best about America?"
"What was it I liked about America the best?" replies Ruben. "Well, there were some great things there I saw and visited, but to me their music was the most interesting. The song I heard and liked the best was written by a patriotic shtick named George M. Cohan. Although he died in the 1940s, I've fallen in love with one of his songs. But I just can't seem to be able to connect the song's lyrics with the song's title."
"Let me see if I can help you," says Yehudah. "So what is this Cohan song that you've fallen in love with called?"
Reuben replies, "Cohan called it, 'Yank your doodle, it's a dandy.'"
Yinglish: Another way of referring to Yiddish words and phrases that have become anglicised
(#2414) Your bubbe's advice
You should only date a girl whose father calls her 'Princess' if you're willing to believe it's true.
(#2415) Highest Power
One Sunday morning, Aaron, a cheder class teacher, says to his young pupils, "OK children. We've been learning this morning just how powerful were the Kings and Queens in Bible times. But there is even a higher power. Really there is! Can anybody here tell me what it is?"
8 year old Moshe instantly puts up his hand and shouts out, "Aces, teacher!"
cheder: Hebrew school for youngsters
(#2416) You're OK
Some observant Jews in the UK discovered recently that their local Kosher butcher had, without knowing it, given them horse meat which they had eaten. Worried, they went to their doctor who, after checking them out, said they were in 'stable' condition.
(#2417) Why are you here?
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Sir Isaac Levy, the renowned solo Mountain Climber and Explorer is planning yet another dangerous adventure - this time to the deepest African jungles. Because Sir Isaac this time needs someone to accompany him on the trip, he puts an advert in the Jewish Chronicle. The advert reads:
WANTED, A COMPANION TO ACCOMPANY ME ON A DANGEROUS TRIP TO THE DEEPEST JUNGLES OF AFRICA. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, YOU MUST BE OF A RUGGED NATURE AND ABLE TO EXIST SOLELY ON PLANT ROOTS AND BERRIES. YOU MUST ALSO BE CAPABLE OF COOKING IN JUNGLES; HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF TROPICAL MEDICINE; BE ADEPT AT HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT; KNOW HOW TO TRAP DANGEROUS ANIMALS FOR FOOD; AND BE FAMILIAR WITH HAND GUNS AND RIFLES. PLEASE WRITE WITH FULL PARTICULARS TO SIR ISAAC LEVY, THE JC, BOX 11111.
Late one evening some days later, there's a knock on Sir Isaac's front door. He opens it and there stands Hymie, a short, very thin, weak-looking man.
"Yes? what do you want at this time of night?" asks Sir Isaac.
"Are you the boychick that put the jungle advertisement in the JC?" asks Hymie in a strong Yiddish accent.
"Yes I am that person," replies Sir Isaac, laughing. "I admit to placing the advert."
Sir Isaac then looks straight at Hymie and starts to question him. To each question, Hymie answers "No" together with a qualification.
"Do you know jungle cookery?" "No, but I can make Tzimis and Cholent."
"Can you trap animals?" "No, I can’t even kill a carp for gefilte fish."
"Can you handle weapons?" "No, I don't like guns. They frighten me."
Finally Sir Isaac has had enough and asks, "So why are you really here?"
Hymie answers, "I just wanted you to know that on me you shouldn’t depend."
(#2418) Farborgn Viagra
[My thanks to Abe S for the following]
50 year old Miriam goes to see doctor Levy to ask his advice on how to revive her husband Joseph's libido.
"So have you tried Viagra?" asks doctor Levy. "It works wonders for most people."
"There's no point in me trying to get Joseph to take a Viagra pill," replies Miriam. "He won't take any pill, not even an aspirin."
"That doesn't have to be a problem," replies doctor Levy. "You can give Joseph farborgn Viagra."
"What is farborgn Viagra?" she asked.
"It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee when he's not looking. He won't know it's there or even taste it, I promise you. Give it a try and then call me and let me know how things went. I'll give you a prescription for some pills now."
Three days later, Miriam phones doctor Levy and tells him that she did what he told her to do. "So Miriam," asks doctor Levy, "tell me already, did it work?"
"Did it work? you ask," replies Miriam, "Oy vey did it work. But it was horrible, just horrible, doctor."
"Really? So what happened?" asks doctor Levy.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped a Viagra tablet into his coffee while he wasn't looking, and the effect was almost immediate. As he started to drink his coffee, he suddenly jumped straight up from his chair and looked at me with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye, and a large bulge in his trousers. Then with one swoop of his arms, before I could do or say anything, he sent the cups and saucers flying from the table. He then ripped all my clothes off and made mad passionate love to me then and there on the table."
"So why do you say it was horrible?" asks doctor Levy. "Wasn't his love making to your liking?"
"It was by far the most amazing, the most passionate, and the most satisfying love making I've ever experienced in our 30 years of marriage," replies Miriam.
"So nu, what was wrong with that?" asks doctor Levy.
"It's just that we'll never be allowed to book a table in Minky's Kosher Diner again," replies Miriam.
farborgn: hidden, concealed
(#2419) The book review
"From the moment I picked it up until the moment I put it down, I could not stop laughing. One day I might decide to read it!"
[Please note that this Grouch Marx quote was not about my book!]
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