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go to the one hundred and fiftythird set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftysecond set of Jewish jokes
(#2400) A visit to the Vet
[My thanks to Jay F for the following]
Abe's dog Benny has not been his usual self for some months, so Abe takes him to see the Vet.
"So what seems to be the problem with your dog?" the Vet asks.
"Well," replies Abe, "Benny is not only a truly Jewish dog, but he can also talk."
"He can talk?" says the Vet. "You're joking, aren't you?"
"No, I'm not joking," replies Abe. "Watch this!"
Abe goes over to Benny, points to the door, and says, "Fetch!"
Benny immediately starts trotting towards the door, but stops before he gets there. He then turns around and says, "Why oh why do you always talk to me like that? You're always ordering me around when you want something. I feel like a nudnik. You make me sleep on the floor even though you know I suffer from arthritis; you give me farcockteh food loaded with salt and fat which is so bad for my arthritis. You think by telling me it's a special diet food makes any difference? It still tastes like dreck! Why don't you try eating it yourself one day? And do you ever take me out for a decent walk around the area? No you don't. It's always out the house, with just enough time for a short pish and then it's immediately right back home again. How on earth can I meet some nice girl dogs? And I would love to be able to stretch out a little at home so that the pain from my sciatica wouldn't be killing me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
The Vet is absolutely amazed. "This is absolutely remarkable. I've never seen a talking dog before. But let's get back to why you've bough him in. What's the problem with him?"
"He has a bad hearing problem," replies Abe. "I said "fetch," and Benny thinks I said "kvetch."
nudnik: a silly nuisance
farcockteh (rude): shitty
dreck: rubbish, trash
pish: piddle, urinate
(#2401) Conversation at the hairdressers
One day, while walking to the shops, Judith meets Hannah, an old friend of hers. "Well what do you know?" Judith says to Hannah, "I haven't seen you for ages. How are you keeping?"
"I'm fine thank you Judith," replies Hannah.
"And what about how is Isaac, that gorgeous hunk of a husband of yours? Is he also keeping well?"
"Please don't talk to me about Isaac," replies Hannah. "If I could, I'd divorce him quicker than you can say mazeltov."
"So nu, why don't you divorce him then?" asks Judith.
"Because if I did," replies Hannah, "it would absolutely plutz me to see him so happy.
plutz: be infuriated
(#2402) Please keep it simple
[My thanks to Eric C for the following]
Patrick is sitting at a table in Minky's Kosher Restaurant waiting to be served. When the waitress finally arrives, he says to her, "I've never ate at a kosher restaurant before, so what kind of food do you serve here?
The waitress is a bit grumpy as she replies, "I’ve got chicken legs, chopped stomach liver, stewed kidneys, braised heart, turkey neck, lamb shoulder, spare ribs, marrow bones, sliced shin, marinated pickled tongue, chicken breast, thick thigh bones, and goose shanks. I've also got kreplach, pierogi, chamin, farfel, gribnes, huluptzes, p'tcha, knish, tzimmes, stuffed kishka, .............."
But before she can continue, Patrick interrupts her and says, "Please don’t tell me any more of your medical troubles. I'm sorry to hear that you're not very well. Just bring me a bowl of tomato soup with two slices of white bread."
Chamin: A slow-cooked stew of meat, potatoes, beans and barley
Farfel: Small pellet-shaped egg pasta
Gribenes: Chicken or goose skin cracklings with fried onions.
Huluptzes: Stuffed cabbage
Kishke: Beef intestines, stuffed with a mixture of matzah meal, spices and Kneidlach:
Knish: A kind of turnover, filled with some of the following: mashed potato, ground meat, sauerkraut, onions, kasha or cheese, and baked or deep fried.
Kreplach: Boiled dumpling filled with meat or mashed potatoes and served in chicken broth
P'tcha: Calves foot jelly
pierogi: kreplach filled with minced beef
Tzimmes: cooked vegetables
(#2403) Two Riddles
Q: What do you call someone who likes to talk using a lot of Yiddish words and expressions?
A: An Oyster
Q: What is Joseph's way of helping Sadie with the housework?
A: Whilst sitting on his favourite armchair, he always lifts up his legs to allow her to vacuum under them.
(#2404) The Rabbi's help
[My thanks to Lars-Toralf for the following]
Benjamin goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi," he says, "my life is in ruins. My Judith has left me and she's taken our children and our dog with her. She has also taken all my money and my car and as a result my business is in ruins. Please help me Rabbi, I don't know what to do." After a few minutes thinking about the problem, Rabbi Levy replies, "OK Benjamin, here is what you should do. Go home and open up your bible to any page. Point randomly anywhere on that page and whatever it says, you must do. Do you understand?"
"Yes Rabbi," replies Benjamin, "I'll try."
So Benjamin goes home, takes his Bible from his bookcase, sits down with it, opens it to a random page, points and reads.
Six months later, Benjamin goes to see Rabbi Levy again. "Rabbi," he says, "since I saw you last, I've become a new man. I've remarried and become very successful in my business. I've even got a new dog and called it Levy after you. So I want to thank you Rabbi for the advice you gave me. It changed my life."
"If you don't mind me asking," says Rabbi Levy, "I've got a bad memory. What did I suggest you do that helped you so much?"
"Well rabbi, you told me six months ago to open my Bible to any page, point, and to do what it says."
"So what did it say?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Chapter 11," replies Benjamin.
Chapter 11 is a chapter of the United States Bankruptcy Code, which permits reorganization under the bankruptcy laws of the United States. Chapter 11 bankruptcy is available to every business, whether organized as a corporation or sole proprietorship, and to individuals, although it is most prominently used by corporate entities.
(#2405) I knew it
When, for no reason at all, Moshe buys his wife Rachel a present, there's a reason all right.
(#2406) For the third time
Sharon meets her friend Miriam who has just gone through her third divorce.
"Oh you poor girl," says Sharon. "You must be absolutely shattered. I feel so sorry for you."
"Oh please don't worry about me," says Miriam. "I might not be the perfect wife but I'm a very positive person and I still have great pride in all the things I know I do very well."
"Like what?" asks Sharon.
"Well, for example," replies Miriam, "I know I'm a good housekeeper and I'm very proud to say it."
"Please don't take offence, Miriam," says Sharon, "but that doesn't sound at all important to me," says Sharon.
"Well to me it's important," says Miriam, "because whenever I leave a man, I always keep his house."
(#2407) A special Wedding Invitation
Maurice and Freda Levy request the presents of
on the occasion of the wedding of
their daughter Talia
to Bernard Elstein.
(#2408) The dancer
One evening, as her Israeli dance class is getting ready to go home, Rachel turns to one of her pupils and asks, "So, David, how did you become such a good dancer?"
"I'm sure it's because I grew up with 3 younger brothers," replies David.
"So nu," says Rachel, "why did that matter?"
"Because I learned how to dance whilst waiting to get into the toilet," replies David.
(#2409) The simple explanation
[My thanks to Ilan H and Ron L for the following]
The nice Jewish mother in-law comes home and finds Eli, her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asks.
Eli screamed, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says the mother in-law. "There's something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, the mother in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation. Rachel never received your email"!
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