BACK TO INDEX PAGE
go to the one hundred and fiftysecond set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftyfirst set of Jewish jokes
(#2390) Internet advert
Rabbi Joseph has decided to offer circumcisions via the Internet. He is calling his service, "E-MOIL."
mohel (pronounced moil): The religious man who performs ritual circumcisions according to rabbinic regulations and customs
Q: What do you call the hernias that many old Jewish men in Miami get when they buy and then wear chai's which are much too heavy for them?
A: Chaiatal Hernias
Chai: (Hebrew) is a symbol and word that figures prominently in Jewish culture and is worn on a chain around a Jewish persons neck. Chai means 'life.' It's also sometimes called 'Hai.'
Hiatal hernia: a hernia due to "short oesophagus"; insufficient elongation; stomach is displaced into the thorax
(#2392) Flight problems
During her flight between London and Tel Aviv, 70 year old Leah gets terribly angry because the kosher meal she ordered when she first booked her flight was not on the plane. And because she is not one to meddle with, Leah complains to a stewardess and asks to see the chief purser.
Sitting on the other side of the aisle to Leah is Naomi Gold and when she hears of Leah's problem, she leans over to Leah and says, "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think it's a bit unfair of you to blame the airline for not having any kosher food on board today."
"Oh really? Why do you say that?" asks Leah.
"Because today is Yom Kippur," replies Naomi.
(#2393) Is he ill or what?
[My thanks to Laurence F for the following]
Morris is in Blooms Restaurant one night when he notices a man and woman, sitting at a table next to his, looking very romantic as they stare into each others' eyes. But then quite suddenly, the man slides off his chair and falls under their table. Morris immediately notices that the woman doesn't seem to have seen this because she's looking in the other direction. So he quickly calls over to her and says, "Lady, I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband has just collapsed and fallen under your table."
"No he hasn't," she replies, "he's just walked into the restaurant."
(#2394) The butcher's interview
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Harry, a well known kosher butcher in Neasden, has an eye not only for selecting the very best cuts of meat for his customers, but also for any gorgeous young Jewish lady who happens to come into his shop to buy meat from him.
Today, Harry is interviewing a potential candidate for the job of butcher shop cashier. Her name is Suzy and she is not only a very orthodox young Jewish lady, but is also very attractive.
"I'd love to have someone like Suzy working for me," Harry thinks to himself. But then he quickly remembers the instructions his wife Kitty gave him that very morning. "Now remember Harry, you're looking for a cashier who can keep your financial records straight and who can prevent you from paying too much unnecessary tax. You are not looking for the next Miss World."
So Harry forces himself to check out Suzy's mathematical and financial ability. "OK, Suzy," he says to her. "If I were to give you £4,000 except 16%, how much would be taken off?"
Suzy immediately replies, "everything except my gold necklace and ring."
(#2395) Please help me
Benny is on holiday in Israel and is staying at the 7 star Kvell Hotel. On his second morning, his bedroom phone rings. Benny picks it up and the hotel operator says to him, "Mr Levy, I have a Melvyn Elstein on the line who says he's your brother-in-law. He wants to talk to you urgently."
"So put him through already," says Benny.
"Benny, I need your help," cries Melvyn. "I'm in trouble with the Inland Revenue. They say I owe them £10,000 and if I don't pay them by the end of the day, they will sue me. But I don't currently have enough money in my bank at this moment. Could you please send them £8,000 on my behalf straight away?"
"I can't hear you Melvyn," says Benny, "I think something must be wrong with the hotel phone."
"Benny," shouts Melvyn, "I desperately need you to send me £8,000 straight away."
"I'm sorry Melvyn," says Benny, "I still can't hear you."
"But Mr Levy," interrupts the hotel operator, "I can very clearly hear Mr Elstein."
"Then why don't you help Mr Elstein and you send him the £8,000?"
(#2396) Brave or what?
[My thanks to Vivian BC for the following]
This is the story of a hospital, and specifically, of the Minky Ward, where all the patients in it were not only in bed, but also had one of their legs suspended in a sling above them. One day, Henry the consultant, together with some of his staff, makes his rounds in the Minky Ward. Henry stops at the first bed and pulls and twists the patient's suspended leg. The patient screams in agony. This is repeated along the row of beds, and each patient screams and yells during the examination.
Henry finally reaches the last bed. This is occupied by Emanuel. But when Emanuel's suspended leg is pulled and twisted as was done to all the others, Emanuel remained silent and smiling throughout the procedure.
When Henry and his entourage leave the ward, all the patients congratulate Emanuel on his bravery and fortitude, as they all had the same ailment.
But Emanuel responds by telling them, "Brave/shmave – I saw what the consultant was doing to you, so I switched my legs and put my good leg in the sling."
(#2397) A driver's dilemma
It's a beautiful summer's day and Issy decides to take his wife Ruth and his mother Estelle for a ride around Hampstead. Estelle and Ruth get into the back seats of his car and Issy waits until they have both done up their safety belts. Then, almost as soon as he's put the car into gear, Ruth shouts out to him, "Issy, you're going too slow. Can't you go a little bit faster?"
But then, within minutes, Estelle shouts, "Issy, please slow down."
A little later, Ruth shouts, "Issy, you need to keep closer to the curb."
And almost immediately, Estelle shouts, "Issy, don't you think you are too near to the curb? You might hit it."
Then Ruth shouts, "Issy, could you please put on the radio."
And seconds later, Estelle shouts, "No Issy. I don't like the radio being on. I want peace and silence in the car."
Issy can't keep quiet any longer and says, "Ruth, who is driving this car, you or my mother?
(#2398) The Proposition
[My thanks to Peter M for the following]
Talia looks at her watch and sees it's 5.30pm - time to leave work. As she lives alone, she pops into Minky's Kosher Deli on her way home to buy something for her dinner. She chooses a piece of fried fish with some potato salad, some tomatoes and a small challah bread. She pays at the till and is about to leave when a man enters the shop. He appears to be in his late thirties and is so sexy looking that Talia can't take her eyes off him.
The man at once notices Talia staring at him and quickly walks over to her. Before Talia could apologise for staring so rudely at him, he whispers to her, "Hello beautiful. My name is David and I must say that it's so very, very nice to meet you. I'd also like you to know that I would do absolutely anything that you wanted me to do, no matter what or how sexy, for only £10. But there is a condition."
Talia is shocked to hear such outright talk from a stranger, but nevertheless is already so smitten by him that she asks, "So nu? What is this condition?"
David replies, "The condition is that you have to tell me what you want me to do in no more than three words."
It takes Talia only a few seconds to consider David's proposition. She takes a £10 note from her purse and writes her address on a piece of paper. Pressing both pieces of paper into his hand, she looks deeply into his eyes and says, with excitement and anticipation in her voice, "OK, I've decided. What I want you to do, in three words, is this: "Clean My House."
NOTE: It’s very hard to get good help these days!
(#2399) The special plaque
[My thanks to Estelle S for the following]
As Morris is walking through his shul's offices, he notices a number of lovely works of art hanging around the walls. But then he comes across a plaque inscribed only with a list of men's names. Being a very curious man, Morris goes into Rabbi Levy's office and asks, "Rabbi, what does the plaque with only men's names on it mean?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "the names are of those men who died in the service."
"Really?" says Morris. "Was that the 6:00 or 8:00 service?"
go to the one hundred and fiftysecond set of Jewish jokes
BACK TO INDEX PAGE
Copyright © 2001-2013 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.