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go to the one hundred and fiftyfirst set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and fiftieth set of Jewish jokes
(#2380) Prayers for a young
[My thanks to Bob B for the following]
Rabbi Cohen is talking to Esther's young son. "So David," he says, "you tell me that your mother always says prayers for you every night. That is really nice of her. It's a mitzvah, you know. So tell me, what does she say during her prayers, David?"
"She says thank God my son's in bed," replies David.
mitzvah: Good deed
(#2381) Hiders of the lost matzo
One of my readers has just told me that whilst he and his wife were preparing for this year's Pesach, he was shocked to suddenly find last year's afikoman. He said that he had hidden it so well last year that he couldn't subsequently find it when it was needed.
pesach: the Passover festival
afikoman: the hidden piece of matzo to be found by youngsters during the Passover Seder service
(#2382) Returning mail
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
Golda is known by friends and family alike as both a romantic and a career woman. She and her out-of-work husband Aaron live in London. She works for a firm of financial advisors and is so well regarded by them that they have sent her on a training course in Manchester, many hundreds of miles away from home.
On her first course morning, just before she goes down to breakfast, Golda sends Aaron the following text message:
(a) If you're still in bed sleeping, please send me your dreams;
(b) but if you're eating and drinking, send me a bite and a sip to share:
(c) If I've made you laugh with this text, please send me your smile;
(d) but if I've made you cry, please send me your tears. I love you:
As soon as he's read her text,
(a) I'm currently in the toilet;
(b) please advise me what I should send you. I love you too:
(#2383) More is best
Two pensioners, Judith and Leah, meet by chance at Brent Cross shopping centre. Leah takes one look at Judith and says, "I see you've bought yourself a new pair of glasses."
"That's very observant of you Leah," replies Judith. "Yes, I've just picked them up from my optician. They are the third pair of glasses I now carry around with me."
"Oy vey!," says Leah, "your third pair? Why do you need to carry around so many pairs of glasses?"
"Believe me, Leah," replies Judith, "I need this third pair. One pair I use for long sight, another for short sight, and these new ones I'm going to use to help me find the other two pairs."
(#2384) Tit for Tat
Rabbi Levy and Father O'Shamus are best of friends and today they are having a chat in Father O'Shamus's house. During their conversation, Father O'Shamus surprises Rabbi Levy by suddenly getting up from his chair and saying, "Rabbi, I have made some lovely Ham sandwiches especially for us. How many shall I put on your plate?"
"I'm sorry, Father," replies Rabbi Levy, "but although your kind offer is very tempting, you must know that we Jews don't eat Pork of any kind. It's not kosher."
"I know that, Rabbi," says Father O'Shamus, "but I was hoping to persuade you - I wouldn't tell anyone and so no one would know."
"Thank you for your kind offer, Father," says Rabbi Levy, "but I really won't be able to accept it."
But Father O'Shamus is very persistent. "Oh please Rabbi, please accept my offer."
"Alright, OK," says Rabbi Levy, smiling. "You win. I'll have a Ham sandwich - but only at your wedding!"
(#2385) Shopping Heaven?
[My thanks to Harvey R for the following]
Talia is out shopping in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. She just loves shopping - it's her perfect past-time and it also gets her away from her husband for a few hours.
She starts her shopping expedition by looking for and eventually buying a new pair of shoes. Then she moves on to looking for a new outfit for her forthcoming Mediterranean cruise. She soon finds the perfect suit and buys it. Then she notices one of the Centre's stores is offering up to 75% off all household goods. Talia just can't resist such an offer and instantly makes her way towards the Sale. She is gloriously happy. But then her mobile phone rings.
"Hello, says the voice on her phone, "I'm Doctor Smith from the Herts Hospital. We met recently when you and your husband came in to sort out a badly bleeding cut on your hand."
"Oh yes, doctor," says Talia. "I remember. How can I help you?"
"I'm afraid to tell you that your husband has been involved in a three-car crash and he's just arrived here by ambulance. I think you should come in as soon as possible."
"OK doctor," says Talia, "but I'm in the middle of shopping in Brent Cross. Please tell my husband I'll be with him as soon as I can."
As soon as she hangs up, Talia takes a quick look at the 75% sale items. And she quickly forgets her husband's predicament as she sees all the fantastic items on offer. Eventually, after many purchases, she leaves Brent Cross and makes her way to Herts Hospital carrying a number of carrier bags in her hands.
She finds Dr. Smith and asks, "So how is my husband, doctor?"
Frowning, Dr. Smith replies, "So you really went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're satisfied with the outcome, because while you've been enjoying yourself for the last few hours, your husband has been languishing in our Intensive Care Unit. In fact it's likely to be the last shopping trip you'll take because your husband will require round-the-clock care for the rest of his life and caring for him will be your main task."
On hearing this, Talia starts to cry uncontrollably.
But then Doctor Smith starts to laugh and says, "Don't worry, Talia, I was only joking. Unfortunately, your husband died an hour ago. So come on, show me already what's in your shopping bags - show me what you bought."
(#2386) A positive conclusion
Moshe says to his friend Monty, "I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and based on many years of marriage, I've come to a remarkable conclusion."
"This I want to hear already," says Monty. "So tell me about your wonderful conclusion."
"I've discovered," says Moshe, "that if a husband only slightly upsets his wife, it's almost certain that she will shout at him. Fair enough! But if the husband continues to upset her, she won't shout louder but instead will give him the silent treatment."
But before Moshe can continue, Monty says to him, "Wonderful! It's nice to learn that it's sometimes worthwhile putting in extra effort."
(#2387) Worse and worser!
The El Al Airlines plane has just reached its cruising altitude and Captain Levy is making his usual announcement. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen. You'll be pleased to learn that we have now reached our cruising altitude. The weather ahead is fine and we expect our flight to Tel Aviv to be a smooth one, with our estimated arrival time to be 2.30pm. So why don't you relax, watch some movies and ........ "
The captain's announcement suddenly ends with him screaming, "OY GEVALT!" and then there is silence throughout the plane.
However, 30 seconds later, Captain Levy comes back over the loud speaker.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I might have scared you just then. The truth is that while I was speaking to you, one of my flight attendants was refilling my cup with some boiling hot coffee and she accidentally spilled some directly on my lap - the worst place for a man to receive anything so hot. I'm OK now, but you should see the front of my trousers."
On hearing this, Moshe, an elderly passenger, shouts out, "And you, captain, you should see the back of my trousers!"
OY GEVALT: exclamation to denote fear, terror, astonishment
(#2388) An upward move
[My thanks to Alfred J for the following]
Mordechai is all excited when he meets his friend Shmuel. "Guess what I've just found out, Shmuel?" he says.
"So what have you found out that's so important?" replies Shmuel.
"I've discovered that Rivkah, the oldest daughter of Mr. Maurice Fountain, is at last getting married and she's going to marry a Rothschild, no less!"
"Well mazeltov to Maurice then," says Shmuel. "Ever since I've known him, he's always wanted to move in higher circles and now he's done it. By the way, did you know that when I first met him, everyone called him Moshe Waterjet?"
"That's nothing," replies Mordechai. "When I first met him, everyone called him Moshe Pisher!"
(#2389) A Yiddish Chinese Zodiac for those who frequent Jewish Chinese restaurants and who want to find out who they are
[My thanks to Jay F for the following]
The Year of CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children -- resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
The Year of EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You've got a devious personality, since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
The Year of CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.
The Year of BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
The Year of LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin, Sour Cream.
The Year of BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your centre. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.
The Year of PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.
The Year of SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with bagel and lox. Avoid Pastrami -- wouldn't be kosher.
The Year of PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.
The Year of BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.
The Year of KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.
The Year of LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some colour. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
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