go to the one hundred and fortysecond set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and fortyfirst set of Jewish jokes

(#2290) Riddle
Q: What do you call Santa Claus getting into a bath?
A: A nudnik

nudnik: someone regarded as a nuisance or pest

(#2291) Identity crisis
It's Friday morning in Golders Green and outside the kosher delicatessen, one man walks over to another, slaps him hard on his back, and says, "Shalom Rosenberg, it's nice to see you again."
The slapped man angrily responds, "Oy, have you got the wrong person! My name isn't Rosenberg. And in any case, what's the idea of hitting me so hard?"
"It's your business how hard I decide to hit Rosenberg?" replies the first man.

(#2292) What I love the most
[My thanks to Juergen for the following]
Jeremy, a teacher at the Minkofsky Jewish Free School, walks into his classroom one morning and says to his teenage pupils, "OK, listen up. Before we start our lesson proper, I'd like to ask you all an interesting question. What do you love the most in life? And if you have an answer, please put up your hand."
Immediately some hands go up.
"OK Morris," says Jeremy, "let's start with you. What is it that you most love in life?"
"I love my mameh and tateh most sir," replies Morris.
"That's a great reply, Morris," says Jeremy.
"And what about you Lionel?" asks Jeremy. "What do you love the most?"
"I love football most sir" replies Lionel.
"Thanks Lionel, that's a perfectly acceptable reply," says Jeremy. "And I will, of course, assume that you mean actually playing football rather than just watching it on TV."
"And you, Nathan, what about you?" asks Jeremy. "What do you love most?"
"Nu, if I'm honest teacher," replies Nathan, "I'd have to say that I would love a naked gezunta moyd most of all."
This unexpected reply makes the class laugh. But it shocks Jeremy so much that he immediately writes a letter to Nathan's father, puts the letter in an envelope, and hands it over to Nathan. "Please give this letter to your tateh," says Jeremy, "and tell him to sign it after he's finished reading it. Then return the signed letter to me tomorrow. Understood?"
"Yes, teacher," replies Nathan.
The following day, Nathan returns the signed letter to Jeremy.
"So Nathan, what did your father say after he read my letter?" asks Jeremy.
"Nu, if I'm honest teacher, my tateh and I discussed your letter for at least 30 minutes," replies Nathan. "We talked about it from many different viewpoints and then both of us came to the same conclusion."
"So tell me already," says Jeremy, "what was this conclusion? What did you both think?"
"We both thought that you must be gay, teacher," replies Nathan.

mameh: mother
tateh: father
gezunta moyd: a girl with a great body

(#2293) Planning for the future version 1
Young Morris goes to see his 95 year old bubbe. During his visit, she asks him, "So my lovely bubbeleh, so vhat are you going to be vhen you grow up?"
Morris replies, "I'm going to be a doctor of philosophy, bubbe."
"Oy, oy, that's vunderful, Morris," says his bubbe, "but vhat kind of disease is philosophy?

(#2294) Planning for the future version 2
Young Morris goes to see his 95 year old bubbe. During his visit, she asks him, "So my lovely bubbeleh, so vhat are you going to be vhen you grow up?"
Morris replies, "I'm going to be a Bachelor of Science, bubbe."
"Oy, oy, that's vunderful, Morris," says his bubbe, "but does this mean that you vont be able to get married?

(#2295) Do you really mean this?
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Hannah and her husband Louis are having one of their regular arguments. But this time, the shouting and aggressive tones get louder and louder until Hannah can't take it any more. She pushes Louis away and screams at him, "That's it. Go! Get out of this house right now. I can't stand the sight of you any more."
Louis was quite happy to obey and starts to walk towards the front door. But as he does so, she shouts at him, "and I hope you experience a long, slow and excruciatingly painful death."
Louis stops in his tracks, turns around, looks at Hannah and says, "Oy, make up your mind already. So now you want me to stay?"

(#2296) Only the best will do
Rachel has always lived in the poorer parts of London. But then she wins £15m on the national lottery. "At last," she says to herself, "I can now show everyone that I have a lot more class than they might otherwise have assumed."
Within weeks of her win, Rachel buys a £2m villa in Hampstead and starts planning for a big party where she will invite not only her wealthy neighbours, but also some leading celebrities of the day. Further, Rachel believes that it would be classy to have a famous opera singer at her party. But Rachel knows very little about Opera. So she visits the Minky Music Agency and tells the manager all about her forthcoming party at her new Villa and her need to have an opera singer there to entertain her important guests.
"So which Opera singer do you think I should have?" she asks the manager.
"I would recommend Joyce DiDonato," replies the Manager. "She will be the highlight of your party. And she has just arrived in the UK."
"So is she any good?" asks Rachel.
"What do you mean, is she any good?" replies the Manager. "She's one of the world's greatest virtuosos."
"I don't care what morals she has," says Rachel. "What I'm much more interested in is, 'can she sing?'"

Joyce DiDonato: Born February 13, 1969. she is an award-winning American operatic mezzo-soprano particularly admired for her interpretations of the works of Handel, Mozart, and Rossini. DiDonato has performed with many of the world's leading opera companies and orchestras. In 2012 she won a Grammy Award for Best Classical Vocal Solo.

(#2297) Mad memories
Benny goes to visit his friend Mervyn at the Golders Green Alzheimer's Unit. When Benny returns home, his wife Freda asks him, "So nu? How was Mervyn today?"
"He's not very good, Freda," replies Benny. "Mervyn is getting quite demented. Whilst I was there, he screamed a lot and talked a load of mishegass."
"So were you able to talk to him at all?" asks Freda.
"Well," replies Benny, "I tried to talk simple things to him, things he should know something about, like the weather and whether he needed some extra clothes. I even asked him about the £500 he still owes me."
"And did he remember he still owed us this money?" asks Freda
"That meshugga he certainly isn't," replies Benny.

mishegass: madness, absurdity. The abstract noun from meshugga (q.v.)
meshugga: crazy, mad

(#2298) Isn't knowledge wonderful
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Using a secure telephone connection, President Obama phones the Head of the CIA. "Answer me this question," he asks. "Our Jewish community always seems to find out everything that's going on here well before the US Administration does? How on earth can this be possible?"
The Head of the CIA replies, "I think I know why, Sir. The Jews have a Yiddish expression, 'vos hert zich?' which roughly translated means, What do you hear around? What's up? So a Jew merely has to ask another Jew, 'vos hert zich?' and listen to the reply. And that's how every Jew automatically knows everything that's going on."
Obama immediately decides to check this out. So with the help of his security department, he attaches a false beard, clothes himself in the garb of an Orthodox Jew, drives on his own to Brooklyn in a plain car, parks it, puts some coins in the meter, and then quickly walks to a nearby side street. There he sees an old Jewish man hobbling along with a stick. So Obama goes over to him and says, "Shalom. Vos hert zich?"
The old Jewish man indicates to Obama to bend down and then whispers in Obama's ear, "Obama is a shmuck. He has just driven to Brooklyn on his own and parked his car."

Vos hert zich?: What do you hear around? What's up?

(#2299) If I was a rich man
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Two shlemiels, Jonathan and Morrie, are on their way to work when they pass a parked lorry with dozens of rolls of turf on the back. Morrie points to the lorry and says, "When I win the lottery, that's exactly what I am going to do."
"Be a lorry driver?" says Jonathan.
"No," says Morrie. "I would never have to mow the lawn again - I'd be rich enough to send my grass out to be mowed."

shlemiel: a fool, a bungler

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