go to the one hundred and thirtysixth set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and thirtyfifth set of Jewish jokes

(#2230) That's the way to do it
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Morris and his wife Leah are in the middle of making love when Morris suddenly says, "I've been wanting to say this to you for some time, Leah. Why don't you moan a bit when we make love? We always seem to make love in total silence."
"Why do I have to moan?" replies Leah. "What good would it do?"
"I'm told it helps to sexually arouse those making love," replies Morris.
"All right Morris," says Leah, "if that's what you want, I'll do it. Shall I start moaning now?"
"No, not yet," replies Morris, getting all excited. "It's a bit too soon  ....... (pause) ..........I'll tell you when ........(pause) ........OK, Leah, so moan already."
"Oy vey, Morris," cries Leah, "I wish you would help me out in the house more often. You're always on your computer and I can never seem to find time talk to you. And we haven't been on holiday for years .............."

(#2231) What's the verdict?
Louis and Hymie are arguing strongly about a consignment of dried Israeli dates that Hymie has recently bought from Louis. "Just look at them," says Hymie. "Any shmuck can see that they are not fresh enough for me to sell in my shop. I want my money back. And if I don't get it, I'll have to find another distributor."
But Louis disagrees with him. "There is nothing at all wrong with these dates," he says, "so I won't be returning any money to you."
Their arguing gets so serious that they decide to go to Rabbi Levy for a decision.
Rabbi Levy hears both sides of the story, then without saying a word, takes a date from the box on the table, looks at it very carefully, removes the stone, pops the date into his mouth, chews it, swallows it, and then thinks for a few seconds. He then repeats his actions with other dates from the box, sometimes shaking his head after swallowing a date, sometimes nodding his head. After 10 minutes, Rabbi Levy takes out his handkerchief and wipes his lips. 
Louis and Hymie now await Rabbi Levy's decision.
"So nu?" asks Hymie. "What's your verdict, Rabbi?"
"Yes, Rabbi," says Louis. "what do you think? Which one of us is right? We must know."
Rabbi Levy looks first at Louis, then at Hymie, then shrugging his shoulders replies, "Gentlemen, how should I know who's right? I'm a rabbi, not an expert on Israeli dates."

shmuck: a stupid person; a penis

(#2232) Missing person
[My thanks to John B for the following]
Rachel decides to do some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre and manages to persuade her husband Howard to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes shop after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Howard is no longer with her. So she calls him on his mobile phone to see 'what's what.'
"So where are you?" she angrily asks Howard. "I thought we were shopping together."
"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Howard. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the Shopping Centre, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?"
"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"
"Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery shop having a coffee and a scone."

broyges: angry

(#2233) There is a difference
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Ruben goes to see Rabbi Bloom. "Rabbi," he asks, "is it true that Jewish husbands can sleep with their wives on fast days?"
"Yes, Ruben," replies Rabbi Bloom, "that's correct."
"So does it follow," continues Ruben, "that a Jewish husband can also sleep with someone else's wife on fast days?"
"No, that is not correct," replies Rabbi Bloom.
"Why is that?" asks Ruben.
"Because the Torah clearly states that during fast days, we are not allowed to have any pleasure," replies Rabbi Bloom.

(#2234) It could have been worse
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
"Benny, you're looking oysegematert," says Laurence. "What's wrong?"
"I couldn't get to sleep last night, that's what's wrong," replies Benny. "Mine Hannah was moaning in her sleep all night long, shouting out the same words over and over again. And I got so worried and angry hearing them."
"So what were these words?" asks Laurence.
Trying to mimic his wife's voice, Benny replies, "NO JOSHUA NO, I'M TIRED!     NO JOSHUA NO, I'M TIRED!      NO JOSHUA NO, I'M TIRED!  And she kept on repeating them over and over and over again."
"So what don't you like about those words?" asks Laurence. "They don't seem very wrong to me."
"Of course they're wrong," says Benny. "My name isn't Joshua. So who can Joshua be?"
"Well obviously I don't know that," says Laurence, "but why not look at last night in a positive way. You should be pleased that your Hannah was rejecting this yentzer's advances."

oysegematert: worn out, weary
yentzer: a fornicator

(#2235) Nothing but the truth
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Dr Simon is doing his rounds at the Minky Retirement Home when he comes to 90 year old Hetty. As soon as she sees him, she says, "My, you are sure looking very handsome today, doctor."
"Thank you Hetty," says doctor Simon. "It's very nice of you to say that."
"Ha," says Hetty, "I can see from your face that you don't believe me. But I'm really sincere, doctor. I always tell the truth."
"OK Hetty, I believe you," says doctor Simon. "But I didn't jump for joy because I'm just not used to getting compliments."
"You don't get any compliments, doctor, because you're a khozzer," says Hetty, "and you're completely overweight as a result. But as I've just told you, you're nevertheless a handsome khozzer."

khozzer: a pig, a gluttonous person, someone who eats too much

(#2236) Help not needed
[My thanks to Ron L for the following]
"Mummy," asks little Paul, "why do some children celebrate Christmas and not Chanukah?"
Rivkah thinks that this is a very reasonable question for a little boy to ask, so she tells Paul about the Christmas story. "Christmas started a long time ago  ...  Joseph and Mary  ...  travelling all way to Bethlehem  ...  sheep and donkeys  ...  going through pregnancy ...   the shed  ...  Jesus is born  ...  laid in manger  ...  angels and shepherds and wise men  ...  many others bringing gifts and food.  In fact there were so many people, so many animals, so many things happening at the same time, that between you and me Paul, if it had been me, I would have hired a nanny and a caterer to help me out with such an important affair."

Chanukah: The Festival of Lights. a Jewish festival that falls in December

(#2237) Looking into the future
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
90 year old Shmuel is at the end of his life. He's in a hospital bed with his 60 year old wife Becky sitting in a chair next to his bed. Suddenly, Shmuel opens his eyes and quietly says to her, "Becky, you know I'm going to die soon?"
"Yes, darling," she replies quietly, "I know that."
"Well then," continues Shmuel, "now's the time to be honest with me. Have you ever been unfaithful to me in all the time we've been married?"
After a lengthy silence, Becky replies, "Oy, Shmuel. I just don't understand your question."
"Becky," says Shmuel, "you can tell me the truth now. I'm dying. I can take it. Did you ever make love to other men whilst we were married?"
But Becky just sits there in silence.
"What's the problem?" asks Shmuel.
"I'm worried," replies Becky. "Suppose I tell you and you don't die?"

(#2238) Perfection, you're not
Bernie and his wife Renee have to wait many years before their third and last child eventually marries and moves out. As they are now in their fifties and living in a large house, they decide to downsize. Renee immediately starts looking for a suitable apartment to buy. Two weeks later, she is convinced that she has found the ideal apartment and takes Bernie to view it.
When they get back home, Renee says, "Well, wasn't I right Bernie? Isn't it just perfect for us? It's a place for us to kvell in."
But Bernie replies, "Sorry Renee, but I don't agree with you. I just don't like it."
"Why, what's wrong with it?" asks Renee.
"I don't like what they call the feature bathroom," replies Bernie. "The designer must have been a bit tsedudelt. If you want me to be more specific, the very large bathroom window goes right down almost to floor level, yet it has no provision for any curtains. It would cost us a lot of money to have builders replace it with a more normal window, money we don't have after paying for our third daughter's wedding."
"So why replace it?" asks Renee. "It's a fun window."
"Fun?" says Bernie. "You must be joking. When I take a bath, the neighbours opposite would be able to clearly see me naked, and that's not fun," replies Bernie.
"Well If it's your private parts you're worried about Bernie," says Renee, "I shouldn't worry. You're nothing special down there. And once the neighbours have seen you in your full glory and finished being sick, they will almost certainly give us the money to have the large pictorial window replaced with a more conventional curtained one."

kvell: gush with pride and glow with pleasure
tsedudelt: wacky, crazy

(#2239) Sarah's week at the gym
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Dear Diary, I'm 45 years old today, kin-a-hora. Even though I think I'm still in good shape from all the walking I do, I've decided that for my birthday, I'm going to purchase 5 days with a personal trainer at my local gym. I've always wanted to give it a try. But dad thinks I must be meshugga to try. He said, "You've got no saychel. Anyone who wants to work out in a gym has a loch in kop."  Nevertheless, I made a reservation with a personal trainer named Barry. He told me over the phone that he was 23 years old, has been an aerobics instructor for over two years, and also models for a Jewish swimwear company.

And he is even Jewish!. Oy vey, what mazel.

I began my workout at 6am.  Although it was difficult to get out of bed so early, Barry said I should. When I arrived at the gym, I found it was well worth the while. Not only is Barry a ying mit bainer, he's also got lovely blond hair, beautiful hypnotic eyes, an absolutely dazzling smile, and a great toches. He started by giving me a tour of the gym and explaining all the machines. He then focused on some basic training and was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, even though my stomach was aching from holding it in every time he came near me. Before I left for the day, I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class.

This is going to be a special week for me. My friends said it was bashayrt.

I was very tired when I woke up and had to drink three cups coffee to help clear my head. Eventually, I made it out of the door. As soon as I arrived at the gym, Barry told me to lie down on my back. He then gave me an iron bar and immediately put some heavy weights on it. He then told me to push the loaded bar up and down in the air. What a chutzpah! I had never done this before and after doing this lifting up and down for some time, oy, was I shvitzing! Then, without letting me get my breath back, he put me on one of the treadmills and ran it at slow speed. I was hoping it would develop a glitch. But no such luck. I actually ran 1 mile and when I got off, my legs felt like jelly. Even though I was very tired, I still thought it worth while because of the lovely, sexy smile Barry gave me when I left.

I feel very pleased with my self. A whole new life is opening up for me.
I woke up very tired again and my arms ached so much that I couldn't brush my teeth. Driving to the gym that morning was very difficult. It was OK as long as I didn't try to turn the steering wheel too quickly or brake too suddenly. What a shlep it was to get to the gym. Soon after I arrived, as if my painful body wasn't enough, Barry got broyges with me because he said my kvitching was bothering other members. And I noticed that when he scolds, his voice turns into a nasally whine. I almost gave him a klop where it would hurt him most but changed my mind at the last moment. What a k'nocker he's becoming.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Barry took me off and instead put me on the stair monster. Why would someone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Barry told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life better. He said some other drek too. I ended up totally oysgemitchet

What a shluff I'm going to have tonight.
I was half an hour late because it took me that long to tie my shoes. And to make it worse, the groisser potz was waiting for me with his teeth exposed and cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. He took me to work out with dumbbells. But then, when he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. But he found me and as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine for 40 minutes. I got very broyges with him.

I hate Barry more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Barry put me on the treadmill again, but this time he put it on high speed. And oy gevalt, it immediately flung me off. But I wasn't having any glick at all because I landed on another club member, not on Barry. I was so shocked by this that I immediately pishen in my pants and let rip with a fortz.  But then a miracle happened - when I got up, I suddenly saw the light. What mishegass it was for me to have decided I needed to go to a gym. What a shmo I had been. If I continued to go, I would be in shtook with my body. So I quickly came to a decision. "Zol es brennen," I said to myself, "I don't need some farcockteh putz of a trainer to make me happy. Er zol einemen a meeseh meshuneh.

If I never see the inside of a gym again, then nebbech.

I couldn't move any part of my body this morning without some pain, so I had to go to my shul by car. It was the only way I was able to get there. I  prayed that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is real fun - like root canal treatment. I now tell everybody that if God had wanted me to bend over in a gym, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!  And then everyone would see me kvell.

kin-a-hora: an expression used to ward off the evil eye
meshugga: mad/crazy
saychel: common sense
loch in kop: hole in the head
mazel: luck
ying mit bainer: a strong and sturdy young man, a powerhouse.
toches: buttocks
bashayrt: destined by fate
chutzpah: insolence/cheek
shvitzing: sweating
glitch; mechanical defect, error
shlep: long journey
broyges: angry
kvitch, kvitching: squeal, squealing
klop: whack
k'nocker: show-off, big shot
drek: shit, also something cheap or shoddy
oysgemitchet: exhausted
shluff: sleep
groisser potz: a big idiot, a big prick
oy gevalt: expression of dismay, anxiety or shock
glick; luck
pishen; urinate
fortz: pass wind, fart
mishegass: madness / absurdity
shmo: fool
in shtook: in real trouble
zol es brennen: to hell with it
farcockteh: shitty
putz: jerk / stupid ass
Er zol einemen a meeseh meshuneh: He should go to hell
nebbech: too bad
shul: synagogue
kvell: glow with pride

go to the one hundred and thirtysixth set of Jewish jokes


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