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This is the twelfth set of jokes

(#318) The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'"

(#319) Jewish Telegram
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

(#320) The bible
The following statements about the Bible were written by children.

o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
o The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.
o The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
o The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

(#321) Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon -- Princess Anneís daughter, Zara."
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, thatís who."
"A shikseh?"
The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened times, what's wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they're wealthy and the princess is a real beauty. Look, I'll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman  --- Princess Zara Phillips.
Benny thought the names looked very good together, but said, "I also have to consider aunt Bette. She is very religious and if she found out Solomon was marrying a shikseh, she'd kill herself."
So an appointment was made to see Bette.
For several hours, the matchmaker pleaded, argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears in her eyes, Bette said, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I wonít object. I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name so no one will know my shame."
Even though he was worn out, the matchmaker left Betteís house in high spirits. As soon as he got into his car, he opened his little book to the page where both names had been written and put a tick after the name ĎSolomon Goldmaní.
He then said, with a huge sigh of relief, "Half done!

(#322) The crime
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsittsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "Three people on a motorcycle!"

(#323) Iím tired and thirsty
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for days.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

(#324) Drink up!
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!

(#325) My darling wife
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

(#326) The proposal
Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh", Hetty said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

(#327) The collector
Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the door, Issy greets him.
"Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting for the Loads of Money Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
"The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?" asks Issy.
"I'm positive".
"But", says Issy, "it says here that you're Jewish and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies Mr Gold impatiently.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands Issy.
"For the last time, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn't Jewish either!"

(#328) The daughter
Rifka and Beckie are talking about their children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.
Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."
Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!

(#329) The request
Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"

(#330) Motherís love
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
"No I just canít," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
"So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become good friends."
"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"

(#331) A quicky
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.

(#332) How did you do it?
Young David asked his rich grandfather, Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five pence. I went to the local market and invested that five pence in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten pence."

"The next morning, I invested the ten pence in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at 5pm for twenty pence. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandmaís father died and left us two million pounds."

(#333) What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her, of course !)

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically, not horizontally!)
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parentsí house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's talking
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her :-)

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