go to the one hundred and twentyseventh set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and twentysixth set of Jewish jokes

(#2140) The Jewish Question

"Vat is 5Q + 5Q?"
"You're velcome."

(#2141) A visit to the chemist
[My thanks to Harvey K for the following]
Jacob, a shlemiel if ever there was one, is having breakfast one morning when his wife says to him, "Jacob, I've noticed recently that you're beginning to smell a bit. Go to a chemist and get a deodorant."
So later that morning, he goes to his local Minkys Chemist, walks over to the men's counter and says to the assistant, "Can I please have a deodorant."
The assistant says, "We have many types. Aerosol or ball?"
"Oy gevalt," replies a shocked Jacob, "I only want it for under my arms, not for anything lower."

shlemiel: a fool, a bungler
Oy gevalt: exclamation to denote fear, terror, astonishment

(#2142) Riddle
Q: Can a man marry his own sister?
A: Yes, if he's a rabbi

(#2143) Old school friends
[My thanks to Howard K for the following]
Bernie is out shopping one morning when he bumps into his old school friend Daniel whom he hasn't seen for 40 years. Naturally, they start talking about their school days and in particular their school friends.
"Do you remember that blond girl all the boys used to call 'no boobs Sharon'?" asks Bernie.
"Actually," replies Daniel, "I remember her very well. She was the pretty little blond girl who unfortunately had, how shall I put it, ......a 'flat chest' and as a result, always had trouble getting boys to go out with her. Why do you ask?"
"Well she lives just around the corner to me," replies Bernie, "and you should see her now." And as he says this, Bernie cups his hands and shapes his fingers as if he is holding two melons.
"Really?" replies Daniel. "Then she was obviously a late developer. I'm so pleased everything turned out well for her."
Bernie then cups his hands again, this time straining his fingers as much as he could.
Daniel stares at Bernie's fingers and says, "Are you trying to tell me that Sharon is now actually super endowed?"
"No I'm not," replies Bernie. "You don't understand. What I'm trying to tell you is that Sharon has a bad case of arthritis and her hands are badly deformed."
(#2144) The JC interview
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
It's Oy Veh Ltd's 10th anniversary and the JC has decided to publish an article on  the company and how it has managed to survive the recession. So one of the JC reporters is sent out to interview Sidney Offenbach, the MD.
"Mr. Offenbach," says the reporter, "I'd like to start by asking you to describe your employees, what they do and how much each earns."
"No problem," says Sidney. "In total, there are only two employees. First of all there's my office clerk. He's been with me for 5 years now and I couldn't do without him. He works a full 8 hour day for 5 days a week and for that I pay him £25,000 per year. I also provide him with a free lunchtime salt beef sandwich and a herbal tea. Oh, and I also let him use my small one bed apartment for next to gornisht."
"And then there's the office shmuck," continues Sidney. "He's been with Oy Veh ever since it opened for business 10 years ago. He works 9 hours a day without a break for 7 days a week and probably handles 80% of all the work that has to be carried out. In total, he takes home no more than £5,000 per year, but as he also has to pay for his own accommodation, I buy him a bottle of whisky every few days or so to help him cope with everything that he's faced with.  And that's not all. He also sleeps with my wife whenever he's not too tired to do so."
"Thank you Mr Offenbach," says the JC reporter, "that's very interesting. If it's alright with you, I'd like to talk to this person, this person you call the office shmuck. Can you take me to him please?"
"I don't need to," replies Sidney, "you're looking at him right now."

shmuck: a stupid person; penis (vulgar)
gornisht: nothing
JC: Jewish Chronicle (newspaper)

(#2145) Never too soon?
4 year old Moshe says to 4 year old Aaron, "I found a condom on my veranda this morning."
Aaron replies, "What's a veranda?"

NOTE: Teaching young children everything about sex is being trialled at some schools

(#2146) A Riddle for Purim
Q: Why didn't Esther receive an important email from Mordechai warning her in advance of Haman's plan to kill the Jews?
A: Because unfortunately she had the Achash-virus on her computer

Achashverosh: King of Persia in the book of Esther

(#2147) Superior arguing
John McTavish and his friend Morris Abelman are arguing about which people are the superior - the Jews or the Scots. Morris says, "Jews are undoubtedly the superior people. In every part of the world, Jews excel in medicine, science and finance, to name but a few."
"You've slipped up at last," replies John. "You say in 'all parts of the world' but what about the Polar region?"
"So Iceberg doesn't sound like a Jewish name?" replies Morris.

(#2148) Is variety the spice of life?
[My thanks to Emmanuel for the following]
Today is the end of Jacob's first day at his new school. His father Sidney, an agnostic Jew, believes that his son is privileged to go to this particular school because it instils in its pupils a strong focus on liberalism and multiculturalism. So as soon as Jacob returns home, Sidney asks him, "So how was your first day, Jacob?"
"Well dad," replies Jacob, "I've already made some new friends. And not only do they come from countries all over the world, they pray to different Gods. One of them, in fact, has more than one God and he asked me how many Gods I have. But I couldn't tell him. So tell me dad, how many Gods do we have?"
"Well, Jacob," replies Sidney, "you should know that we have only one God, Ha-Shem we call him, but we don't believe in him."

Ha-Shem: God: literally 'The Name.' Jews consider that saying the real name of God is blasphemy. 

(#2149)  Help!
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

go to the one hundred and twentyseventh set of Jewish jokes


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