go to the one hundred and eleventh set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and tenth set of Jewish jokes

(#1980) How To Sell Well
Benjamin applies for a job at HARRYíS GOLF EMPORIUM and during the interview tells Harry that heís an experienced salesman. Harry agrees to give him a chance. Later that week, on Benjaminís first day at work, Harry secretly observes how Benjamin is getting on. He quickly sees that Benjamin is in deep conversation with a distinguished looking gentleman.
"Whatís the use of just one golf tee?" Benjamin says to the man. "A pack of 100 is only £5 and theyíll last you a long time. Is that OK?"
"All right," replies the man, "Iíll take 100."
"And if youíre planning to play a good round of golf," says Benjamin, "why play with old balls? I suggest you buy a dozen new balls for £10."
"I suppose so," says the man.
"OK, so now youíve got new balls and new tees," continues Benjamin. "But surely youíre not going to use an old putter? Weíve got a great new putter thatís just arrived in stock. For just £100, your putting will instantly improve."
The man nods his head and says, "Add it to my list."
"But just having new balls and a new putter isnít really going to increase your overall game," says Benjamin. "To do that youíll need a new set of irons and we have just the set for you at £300."
"Iíll take the set," says the man.
"OK, let me recap," says Benjamin. "Youíve got new tees, new balls, a new putter and a new set of irons. Whatís missing is something to carry them in. May I suggest a nice new solid leather golf bag. We have just the one for you, itís our best seller and itís only £400."
"Yes, I suppose I will need one," says the man.
"And then," continues Benjamin, "why should a man of your status lug around such a heavy load over 18 holes? Your shoulder will be killing you. Weíve got a great electric golf trolley for £600 which will take all the burden from you. Apart from the status it will bring, youíll love its ease of use."
"All right, Iíll take it," says the man. "How much do I owe you in total?"
"One thousand four hundred and fifteen pounds," replies Benjamin.
The man writes out a cheque and gives it to Benjamin.
"Thank you," says Benjamin, "Do take a seat over there by the TV and Iíll get someone to bring you some coffee while I get your items ready for you."
Thirty minutes later, the man loads his car with his new golf items and drives off.
Harry has seen the entire transaction and immediately goes over to Benjamin, shakes his hand, and says, "Benjamin, that was brilliant! Iíve been running my Golf Emporium now for over 20 years and yours is by far the best piece of selling that Iíve ever encountered. And just to think that the man walked in for a golf tee and you sold him over £1,400 worth of equipment."
"What do you mean, he came in for a golf tee?" says Benjamin. "He came into the shop and asked me whether there was a chemist shop near here. So I asked him whether he was sick and he replied, "No, Iím not sick. My wife is having her period and I need to get her something." So I said to him, "As your wife is going to be sick for a few days, why donít you take the opportunity to play some golf over the next few days?"

(#1981) Problems, problems
As doctor Ginsberg is taking his Sunday morning walk, he sees 80 year old Freda, one of his patients, on the other side of the road. And he canít help noticing how slowly and painfully she is walking. So he crosses the road to find out whatís troubling her.
"Hello Freda," he says, "how are you feeling? You look like youíre in some pain."
She stares hard at doctor Ginsberg for a few moments, then replies, "Nu? You ask me how I'm feeling? So let me tell you already how Iím feeling. Everything hurts, thatís how Iím feeling, doktor. My heart is beating heavily in my chest, I find it hard to breathe if I walk too fast, both my knees are sore, my arms ache like hell, Iíve got a terrible headache, and on top of all that, I havenít had a good pish for days."
"Oh dear, Freda, Iím sorry to hear this," says doctor Ginsberg. "But if youíve been feeling so bad, why havenít you come into my surgery so that I could check you out?"
"Doctor," says Freda, uttering a deep sigh, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better before I came to see you."

pish: (vulg) to pee

(#1982) The Speedy Diagnosis
[My thanks to Carol M for the following]
Soon after Simon becomes a doctor, he joins his local GP practice as a replacement for the elderly and soon-to-retire Dr Levy. At the end of his first day of work at the practice, Simon accompanies Dr Levy on his evening round so that the local Jewish community can quickly get to know him. The first patient they visit is Miriam, who has been in bed for much of the past week.
"So whatís the matter with you, Miriam?" asks Dr Levy.
"Iíve had bad diarrhoea for days, doctor," replies Miriam, "and I canít seem to shake it off."
After just a few minutes of further discussion, Dr Levy suddenly says to Miriam, "I suspect youíve been eating far too much fresh fruit.  May I suggest you give fruit a rest for a few days - Iím sure that will clear up the problem."
When they leave the house, Simon says to Dr Levy, "How did you manage to come up with your diagnosis so quickly? And why didnít you examine her?"
"There was no need for an examination," replies Dr Levy. "Did you notice me dropping my stethoscope on the floor next to her bed?"
"Yes I did," replies Simon.
"Itís a strategy Iíve used before," says Dr Levy. "When I bend down to retrieve it, I look under the bed. In Miriamís case, I saw apple cores, orange peel and banana skins, so I assumed that was the cause of her problem."
"Cool," says Simon, "I must remember that."
Then they arrive at the house of Dr Levyís second patient.
"So Leah, what seems to be troubling you?" asks Dr Levy.
"Oy, doctor, am I weak! My energy levels are way down from normal."
After just a few minutes of further discussion, Simon suddenly says to Leah, "I suspect youíve been spending too much time on shul work. May I suggest you cut back a bit - Iím sure that will clear up the problem."
When they leave the house, Dr Levy says to Simon, "I know Leah very well, and your diagnosis is probably spot on. But Iíd love to know how you reached it so quickly."
"It was obvious," replies Simon. "I dropped my stethoscope on the floor next to her bed and as soon as I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the answer."
"So what did you see under the bed, Simon?" asks Dr Levy.
"The Rabbi," replies Simon.

(#1983) Iím in charge
Although Monty runs his own company, like many a groisser sheeser, he is, in reality, a groisser gornicht. So much so that in recent weeks, during his regular morning meetings, a growing number of his staff were openly disagreeing with his plans and some were even quite rude to him. The last straw was hearing someone say, quite derisively, "He thinks heís the makher."
So next morning, he puts up a big shiny sign on the firmís notice board. It reads: -
Later that day, when he returns from lunch, he sees that someone has stuck a note under his sign. The note reads, "Your wife called. She said she wants her sign back ASAP!"

groisser sheeser: a big shot
groisser gornisht: a big nothing
makher: boss

(#1984) What a coincidence!
[My thanks to Freda for the following]
Jacob and Judith are getting very worried about their teenage son David because heís been behaving in a loutish and insensitive manner for some months. But when they tell him how they feel, David says things that shock them to their core. Next day, Jacob goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
"Rabbi," he says, "Judith and I are very worried about our boychik David. Weíve done everything possible to ensure that he grows up to be a nice Jewish boy. Not only did we give him a wonderful and very expensive barmitzvah, but we also spend many tens of thousands of pounds sending him to the best private Jewish school. But then yesterday, rabbi, out of the blue, he tells us that he wants to be a Christian. Oy vey rabbi, where did we go wrong? What can we do to change his mind? How can you help us?"
"What a coincidence!" replies Rabbi Bloom. "I too brought up mine son Hershel in the Jewish manner, and I too spent a fortune putting him through University. But then one day, just like your David, he informs me that he wants to be a Christian."
"You must be joking, rabbi," says Jacob.
"No Iím not," says Rabbi Bloom. "So I turned to Hashem for an answer."
"And what did God say?" asks Jacob.
"He said, 'What a coincidence! About 2,000 years ago, I too had a son......í"

boychik: young man
Hashem:  God

(#1985) Isnít love great?
Isaac has just returned home from work. He goes upstairs, gets changed into some casual clothes, then goes back downstairs into the lounge and sits down on his favourite armchair. He quickly starts to relax. Soon he hears his wife Ruthís sweet voice talking to him from the kitchen. "What do you want for your dinner tonight, darling?" Ruth says. "Would you like some beef, some chicken or a piece of grilled salmon?"
Isaac shouts back, "Iíd like the chicken tonight please, my darling."
Ruth shouts back, "I wasnít asking you Ė I was asking the dog. Youíve got barley soup tonight."

(#1986) Itís elementary
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Noah looks around the Ark and is pleased to see that everywhere, the animals seem to be obeying Godís command and Ďgoing forth and multiplying.í
But then he notices with dismay that the adders are not doing what God has commanded. So Noah prays to God. "Blessed be art thou, O Lord," he prays. "The adder snakes refuse to go forth and multiply. What shall I do?"
God replies, "Please do not worry, my dear Noah. Cut up some trees and with the wood make four legs and an oval platform. Place the platform on top of the four legs and place the adders on top of the platform. This will verily solve the problem."
"But my Lord," says Noah, "how will this make the snakes obey your command?"
"Because," replies God, "even adders multiply when they have the use of a log table."

(#1987) The speed merchant
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
Itís six oíclock in the morning and as Louis opens his front door to put some rubbish in his dustbin, he sees his friend Henry almost running down the street.
"Henry," he shouts, "where are you going thatís so important you should be running?"
"Iím going to a brothel," replies Henry.
"Nu? So why are you running there so fast at six in the morning?" asks Louis.
"Because Iíve got so many things to do today," replies Henry, "that I thought Iíd better get this one out of the way as soon as I could."

(#1988) In my next life
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Moshe and his wife Sadie, both in their eighties and a little hard of hearing, are watching a major golf tournament on TV. Moshe says, "In my next life, darling, I'm going to have enough money to be able to play a round of golf on one of the spectacular courses, followed by a 5-course meal at one of the best nightclubs, and Iíll end up dancing the night away."
"But how will you be able to do all of that?" asks Sadie. "Youíve got such bad varicose veins that you find even walking a challenge."
"Darling," replies Moshe, "You didnít hear what I said. I said, 'Öin my next life'."
"Sorry," says Sadie, "I thought you said, 'Öwith my next wife'."

(#1989) Dog Training
[My thanks to Ilan H for the following]
The Golders Green Police are looking for some additional domestic dogs which they want to train as police dogs. They advertise their need on TV and within days, people are bringing in dogs.
But then Joshua brings in his dog and the police officer on duty sees that it is a small Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
"But sir," says the police officer, trying hard not to laugh, "you really think this small dog can be a  Ö..a police dog?"
"Oh yes," replies Joshua, "I thought it could operate as an undercover agent."

go to the one hundred and eleventh set of Jewish jokes


Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.