Go to eleventh set

This is the tenth set of jokes

(#262) Puzzle
What’s better than God
More evil than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people want it
And if you eat it you die?
ANSWER: See after joke #267 - “the hospital visitor”

(#263) Pre-wedding conversation
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

(#264) Post-wedding conversation
Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose two and a half stone!”

(#265) The departure
Freda and Kitty had been chatting for some time.
After a while, Kitty said, “I’ve got to rush, Freda, I’m off to a stone setting”
Freda replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Where are you going, Bushey?”
“No”, said Kitty, “Hatton Garden.”

(#266) Jewish Chronicle advertisement
To which 5,000 replies were received “You can have mine.”

(#267) The hospital visitor
Moishe was in hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She said she was there to cheer up the sick.
They started talking and she soon asked about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
“Well, well” the nun says, “11 children, a good and proper Catholic family. I’m sure that G-d is very, very proud of you.”
“I’m sorry”, says Moishe, “I’m not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”
“Jewish!”, she screams, “You’re a sex maniac.”

Answer to #262 puzzle is:                                                      (nothing)

(#268) The dinner guest
Maurice and Sadie invited Nigel, their gentile neighbour for a Passover dinner. The first course was served and Sadie said to Nigel, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
When Nigel saw the two large matzoh balls in the soup, he was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. But Maurice gently persuaded him to try it. “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it, honestly.”
So Nigel has a taste. He digs his spoon in and picks up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup. He tastes it gingerly and finds he likes it very much. Quickly he finishes his plate.
“That was delicious”, says Nigel. “Can you eat any other part of the matzoh?”

(#269) A meeting of boats
A small boat was sailing in Israeli water when Moishe’s smart boat pulled alongside.
A man on the deck of the sailboat yells, “Ahoy.”
To which Moishe shouts back “Ahoy, yoi, yoi!”

(#270) Business always was business
The time is the French Revolution.
Yossi lived in a small village and one day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to Paris.
Yossi asked Roberto what was happening in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
“Yes, you heard right”, said Roberto, “conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s heads in their thousands.”
“Oy vay”, moaned Yossi, “whatever will happen to my hat business?”

(#271) It’s all OK - 1
David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, “You and I use the same call girl and I’ve discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much as she charges me. Aren’t you angry?”
“No”, replies Paul, “I use the double entry system.”

(#272) It’s all OK - 2
Moishe owned a PC shop in Golders Green. Unfortunately, the shop was robbed on night and much stock was taken.
Henry, his friend heard of the robbery and went to visit Moishe.
“I’m very sorry to hear of the robbery”, says Henry. “Did you lose much?”
“I did lose some big items but it’s all OK, I’m quite lucky really. I’m glad it didn’t happen one night earlier.”
“Why?” says Henry.
“Well”, replies Moishe, “just on the day of the theft, I marked everything down by 20% in readiness for my annual Sale!”

(#273) A visit to his doctor
Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to give me something to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight.”
His doctor said, “Hold on a second, you’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”
Benjamin replies, “But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.”
“OK”, says the doctor, “so you say it too!”

(#274) The Party –1
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give £50.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give £75.”

(#275) The party – 2
During the party, Becky was introduced to Dr. Selnick.
“Oh doctor”, says Becky, sidling up to him, “I’m so glad to meet you. You see I have this problem. Every time I raise my arm above my head, I get a pain in my right side.”
“I’m sorry”, says Dr. Selnick, “I’m afraid I can’t help you. I happen to be a doctor of Economics.”
“Well, in that case”, says Becky, “tell me, should I sell my Marks and Spencer shares now?”

(#276) The reading of the Will
Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing before the family and reads out Moishe’s last Will and testament.
“To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and £250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

(#277) The fight
Moishe had a fight with Sadie, his wife, and went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologise.
“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you making for dinner?”
“What am I making, you bast**d? Poison, that’s what I’m making, poison.”
Moishe replies, “So make just one portion, I’m not coming home.”

(#278) The last wish
Beckie was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.
“Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Tony said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10”

(#279) That’s entertainment
Sharon had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman.”
“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”

(#280) At Bushy cemetery
Moishe heard the loud crying of a woman and went to investigate.
A woman was at a grave and was weeping “Oh, Joseph, it’s been 4 years since you left me but I still miss you so much.”
Moishe asked her “Who are you mourning?”
“My husband”, she replied, “I miss him dearly.”
But Moishe noticed something strange, and said to her “Your husband? But it says on the headstone IN MEMORY OF FREDA GOLDBERG”
“Oh yes”, she replied, “he put everything in my name.”

(#281) The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says, “Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?”
“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in hospital.”
“How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?”
Isaac replies, “In 3 weeks time, please G-d, it will be a month.”

(#282) A look back in anger
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked. “Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 5th anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been a free man tonight!”

(#283) The big question
Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”

(#284) A quickie
It won’t be long now”, said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.

(#285) Discussion group
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday in Brent Cross for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.
One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, “You know what? I’ve now become an optimist.”
Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.
But then Sam notices something isn’t quite right and he says to Moishe, “Hold on a minute, if you’re an optimist, why are you looking so worried?”
Moishe replies, “Do you think it’s easy being an optimist?”

(#286) The Value of Children
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children.  "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids.  My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids.  So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grandkids?  So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

(#287) A Flucky
Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street.  He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"  ["So?  What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky."  ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt!  A flucky!  Terrible!  What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety.  She tells her neighbours "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky!  I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold.  Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about?  Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat!  Oy!  Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself.  "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong.  He got off lucky."

go to eleventh set


Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.