BACK TO INDEX PAGE
go to the one hundred and ninth set of Jewish jokes
This is the one hundred and eighth set of Jewish jokes
(#1960) Sam Levene’s Tailor Shop
NASA are once again launching spaceships to the Moon. In the first such launch, a spaceman named Bill lands on the moon, puts on his space suit, leaves his spaceship, and begins to do some exploring. He’d gone no more than 200 metres from the spaceship when, to his total astonishment, he sees a shop called SAM LEVENE’S TAILOR SHOP.
He can’t believe it but nevertheless it’s there all right, so he decides to investigate. He shuffles over to the shop and enters. Immediately a well dressed gentleman walks over to him and says, "Shalom. I’m Sam Levene, the proprietor of this high class establishment. And who may I ask are you?"
"I’m a spaceman," replies Bill, "and I landed here on the moon no more than 45 minutes ago."
"Oy vey," says Sam Levene, hitting himself on his forehead with the palm of his hand. "A presser is what I asked for and look what they send me – a spaceman."
(#1961) A riddle with a moral
[My thanks to Chazak for the following]
Q: Why did 80 year old Benny die seven days after the death of his wife Sarah?
A: Because Sarah wasn’t around to tell him which pills to take.
Moral: When you reach the age of 60, you’d better start organising your pills yourself, or else..
(#1962) In the beginning
[My thanks to BMS for the following]
One day, Joshua the scientist announces to his colleagues, "I don't think we need God anymore. Science has finally discovered how to create life out of nothing. We can now do what God did 'in the beginning'."
As everyone starts to shake Joshua’s hand, the voice of God is clearly heard.
"Oh, is that so, Joshua?" says God. "Please do tell me all about creating life."
"Blessed art thou O Lord," says Joshua. "I can take soil and form it into the likeness of You, and then breathe life into it creating man."
"Well Joshua, that's very interesting," says God. "Show me how it’s done."
So Joshua and his colleagues go outside. Joshua then bends down to the earth and starts to mould the soil.
"Oh no, Joshua," interrupts God, "please use your own soil."
(#1963) What a family
90 year old Lionel from Hendon dies and his family begin to make arrangements for his levoyah. But they quickly discover that Lionel’s regular rabbi is in Israel and won’t be back in time for his funeral. Fortunately, they manage to obtain the services of Rabbi Levy from nearby Golders Green who agrees to officiate.
At the funeral, after chanting the kaddish and the prayer, el molay rachamim, Rabbi Levy begins his eulogy. "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a dear father and friend, and a respected citizen."
But before he can continue, a voice from the back shouts out, "What utter nonsense, rabbi. What are you talking about? This man was a gonif and a momzer. He would cheat his own grandmother out of ten pence."
Rabbi Levy quickly decides to take another approach, "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a patron of the Hendon Synagogue and a dedicated biblical scholar."
Another voice from the back shouts out, "Are you meshugga, rabbi? This man hadn't been inside a shul since his barmitzvah!"
For the third time, Rabbi Silver restarts his eulogy, "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a loving and dedicated husband and father."
Then another voice is heard from the back. "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Lionel as I did. Getray he wasn’t. He cheated on his loyal and lovely wife Sarah whenever he could and he never had any time to spend with his lovely children."
At this point, Rabbi Levy looks up from his notes and, from his heart, says, "Have not most of us as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbours? Why must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own kind? I’m sure there must be someone here today who knew Lionel well and is prepared to say something nice about him."
After a long period of silence, another voice from the back shouts out, "Lionel’s brother was worse than he was!"
kaddish: mourner’s prayer
el molay rachamim: A funeral prayer that begins with, “God, who is full of compassion …..”
shtik dreck: an odious person
getray: devoted, faithful
(#1964) Wrong one
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
Judith is very worried. She believes that her 16 year old daughter Talya is having sex and therefore might get pregnant. So Judith goes to see doctor Myers.
Doctor Myers tells her that teenagers today are very headstrong and any attempt to stop Talya could easily result in rebellion. And such a mother-daughter rift is something to be avoided.
"Oy, doctor," says Judith, "so what can I do?"
"I have a suggestion to make," replies doctor Myers. "Put Talya on a birth control programme. But first of all talk to her, and then give her a packet of condoms."
So that evening, as Talya is getting ready to go out on her date, Judith tells her about the situation as she sees it and then hands a packet of condoms to her.
Talya instantly bursts out with laughter. "Oh mum, have you got it wrong," she says, hugging her. "You really don't have to worry about me getting pregnant. I'm dating Rivkah."
(#1965) The unreleased Beatles Jewish
(#1967) Nathan (the best salesman in
[My thanks to Ron V for the following]
Sidney dies and because he had never been a member of any shul and because he had therefore never paid anything towards his funeral expenses, Leah, his widow, decides to go looking for a nice coffin for her Sydney. There are two local firms of funeral directors and she goes to both to check out their prices.
"Could you please tell me how much your coffins are?" she asks the first funeral director.
"£300," he replies.
She then goes to the second firm, and is pleasantly surprised when she discovers the funeral director there has a recognisable Jewish accent. His name is Nathan.
"How much are your coffins?" she asks Nathan.
"For you, lady, we have really nice ones starting from £800. The price will depend on the wood you choose, and what kind of brass fittings you want attached," Nathan replies.
"But," says Leah, "Smith and Sons around the corner only charge £300 for their coffins."
"Yes I know they do," Nathan replies. "They’re cheaper than ours because very little workmanship goes into them. You only have to do this (as Nathan says this, he moves his elbows sharply outwards) and the sides immediately break open."
NOTE: Although this joke obviously works better as a visual joke, hopefully this printed version is understandable! Best of luck
(#1968) Why is this night different
from other nights?
[My thanks to Ilan H for the following]
One day Becky, aged 92 meets Shlomo aged 90 at their shul’s bridge class. They enjoy each others company so much that they agree to meet again. After a few more meetings, they decide to get married (both their partners have long since passed away). On the first night of their honeymoon, Shlomo moves close to Becky and holds her hand. Still holding hands, they fall asleep. On their second honeymoon night, Shlomo again moves close to Becky and holds her hand. Soon they both fall asleep. On the third night, Shlomo once more moves close to Becky, but this time, as he reaches over to hold her hand, Becky pushes him away and says, "No, not tonight Shlomo. I’ve got a headache."
(#1969) Kosher goat cheese
[My thanks to Asher for the following]
Sidney is 80 years old and he and a number of other residents from the MINKY Jewish Care Home in Golders Green are travelling through Holland by coach. Today they are visiting a kosher goat cheese farm and a young guide is taking them around the factory where the cheese is being made. After emphasising the importance of adding vegetable rennet (no other kind of rennet is kosher) to help harden the cheese, he takes them outside to the farm and shows them the goats that produce the milk.
As he looks around, Sidney notices another group of goats grazing on a fenced in part of the hillside. "What are those goats over there?" he asks the guide.
"They are the older goats who can no longer produce milk," replies the guide. "We let them roam around in peace and quiet. So what does the UK do with its old goats?"
"We send them on coach tours," replies Sidney.
(#News1) Mel Brooks Starts Non-profit
Foundation To Save Word 'Schmuck'
[from “the onion” website]
Warning: This article has some strong content
NEW YORK- Saying he could no longer stand idly by while a vital part of American culture is lost forever, activist and Broadway producer Mel Brooks has founded a private non-profit organization dedicated to preserving the word "schmuck."
An emotional Brooks stopped short of kvetching at a schmuck fundraiser Monday.
"Schmuck is dying," a sober Brooks said during a 2,000-person rally held in his hometown of Williamsburg, Brooklyn Monday. "For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"
The non-profit, Schmucks For Schmuck, has compiled schmuck-related data from the past 80 years and conducted its own independent research on contemporary "schmuck" usage. According to Brooks, the statistics are frightening: Utterances of the word "schmuck" have declined every year since its peak in 1951, and in 2006, the word was spoken a mere 28 times -17 of these times by Brooks himself. The study indicates that today, when faced with a situation in which one can use a targeted or self-deprecating insult to convey a general feeling of disgust, people are 50 times more likely to use the word "jerk" than "schmuck," 100 times more likely to use "dick," and 15,000 times more likely to use "f***ing asshole."
Perhaps more startling, only 23 percent of men know what schmuck means, and only 1.2 percent of these men are under the age of 78. If such trends continue, Brooks estimates that by 2011, such lesser-used terms as "imbecile," "dummy," "schlub," and "contemptible ne'er-do-well" will all surpass schmuck, which is projected to completely disappear by the year 2020 or whenever Brooks dies.
"We must save this word!" Brooks said to thunderous applause as those in attendance began chanting ‘Schmuck! Schmuck! Schmuck!’ "How will we be able to charmingly describe someone who acts in an inappropriate manner? Especially given the tragic loss of the word 'schmegeggie' in 2001. So I urge you: Tonight, when you get home, please, call up your family, your friends, your loved ones, and tell them they're a bunch of schmucks."
Hundreds turned out at a Boca Raton, FL demonstration to show their support for the dying word.
"I've never told anyone this before," Brooks added, choking back tears, "but my father was a schmuck."
The foundation has already raised more than $20 million, thanks to donations from supporters such as Jackie Mason, Albert Brooks, the Schtupp Institute, Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), and the Henny Youngman Endowment for the Preservation of Schmekel. The money will go toward projects aimed at reintegrating "schmuck" into the English lexicon, including billboards and flyers plastered with the word "schmuck," the upcoming 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness, and a new Mel Brooks film.
"The world cannot afford to lose this valuable and versatile word," Brooks told reporters during a charity auction in Manhattan's Upper West Side Tuesday, where attendees bid for the chance to have a private lunch with Brooks and repeatedly call him a schmuck. "You can be a poor schmuck, a lazy schmuck, a dumb schmuck, or just a plain old schmuck. A group of people can be collectively referred to as schmucks. You can call someone a schmuck, and you can be called a schmuck. You can even call yourself a schmuck."
"Plus, it's just so fun to say," Brooks added. "Schmuck."
Many of the foundation's volunteers say they share Brooks' passion for the word "schmuck," as well as his outrage that it is slowly disappearing from everyday use. They claim that if they do not act now, the trend could create a snowball effect.
"Today its schmuck, tomorrow it might be toochis," said SFS volunteer Harry Steinbergmann, 82. "What's next, schlemiel? Putz? Schlimazel?"
Steinbergmann went on to classify this scenario as farcockteh.
Brooks will be appearing at Brooklyn's
Francis Scott Key Junior High on Nov. 12 2009 to give an informal lecture
about his experiences using the word "schmuck," and build grassroots support
among a key group of young Americans by explaining that "schmuck" is a
Yiddish term for the foreskin on the head of a penis. In addition, he has
hinted at the possibility of a reunion with longtime comedy partner Gene
Wilder, during which the two will call each other schmucks.
go to the one hundred and ninth set of Jewish jokes
BACK TO INDEX PAGE
Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
The information on this page may be freely copied for private use.
If you would like to use this information for commercial purposes, please contact me via my home page.