go to the one hundred and seventh set of Jewish jokes

This is the one hundred and sixth set of Jewish jokes

(#1940) The mind reader
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Max and his wife Miriam are invited to a party. Miriam is not sure whether she wants to go but Max says, "Letís accept, Miriam. I think you spend far too much time at home and the break will do you good." She agrees.
During the party, Miriam gets talking to a very interesting man. "So what do you do for a living?" she asks.
"Iím a psychologist," he replies.
Miriam is now very interested. "Would you mind if I asked you for your advice on something?" she asks.
"I donít mind as long as it doesnít require a lengthy response," he replies.
"OK," says Miriam, "Hereís my dilemma. What kind of toy do you think it best to buy a gorgeous little boy for his fourth birthday?"
"Can you tell me a bit more about this boy?" asks the psychologist.
"Well," replies Miriam," heís very good with his hands and is very artistic for his age. Heís very quick witted and has lots of saychel. In fact heís a very clever boychick Ė heís got a yiddisher kop."
"Mazeltov," says the psychiatrist. "Now I understand. This little boy is your son."

boychick: young boy
yiddisher kop: someone smart who grasps things quickly
saychel: common sense

(#1941) The stolen watch
[My thanks to Lynnís brother-in-law for the following]
Itís Sunday and 12 year old Benny has just finished his barmitzvah class and is getting ready to go home. But heís not feeling too good because earlier, during the mid morning break, he saw the rabbiís gold watch on a desk and put it in his pocket while no one was looking. Now heís very worried that heíll be found out. In fact heís so worried that he decides to go see the rabbi straight away, before he goes home.
"Hello Benny," says the rabbi, "and what can I do for you?"
"I want to own up about something, rabbi," replies Benny. "I stole a gold watch."
"Oy yoy yoy Benny," says the rabbi, looking very worried, "thatís really not a nice thing to have done. Such an act is strictly forbidden, as you very well know. You must give it back to its owner immediately."
"Do YOU want it, rabbi?" asks Benny.
"No Benny, I donít want it," says the rabbi, "you must give it back to its owner, as I just told you."
"But rabbi," says Benny, "the owner doesnít want it."
"Well in that case," says the rabbi, "you can keep it."

(#1942) Dr Zhivago
[My thanks to Leslie T for the following]
NOTE: This is supposedly a true story about ĎDr Zhivagoí, told when the film was first released in London with ticket prices for newly released films much higher than normal.
Betty and Sylvia, two middle-aged ladies, have just spent many hours together shopping in the West End. As they leave Selfridges, Betty says, "Sylvia, itís 2pm and I could do with a nice rest. How about us going to see the new film Dr Zhivago? Itís only just opened here in London and they say itís very good."
"Good idea, Betty," replies Sylvia.
So they walk round the corner to the cinema, go up to the box office and ask the ticket clerk, "How much are the tickets?"
"Tickets this week, ladies, are £20 each," replies the ticket clerk.
"How much did you say?" asks Sylvia, looking a bit shocked.
"£20 each, madam," comes the reply.
"So what is he, this doctor Zhivago - a specialist?" asks Sylvia.

(#1943) Who said so?
[My thanks to John T for the following]
Out of the blue and just before their midday snack, Hannahís au pair goes over to her and asks for a pay increase. Hannah is quite shocked and very upset about this request. So she asks, "Why do you want a pay increase, Rosa? Donít you think we give you enough already?"
"Iíve thought about this for a few days now, Senora," replies Rosa, "and I can give you three reasons why I think I deserve a pay rise."
"So what is the first reason, Rosa?" asks Hanna.
"I bentsh better than you do, Senora."
"Who said you bentsh better than me?" asks Hanna.
"Your husband said that, Senora," replies Rosa.
"Oh did he now?" says Hanna. "And what is the second reason?"
"I make chicken soup better than you do, Senora," replies Rosa.
"Rosa, thatís rubbish," says Hannah. "Who said you make better chicken soup than me?"
"Your husband said that, Senora," replies Rosa.
"Oh did he now?" says Hannah. "And what is the third reason?"
"I am a better lover than you are, Senora," replies Rosa.
"And I suppose my husband said that as well?" asks Hannah very angrily.
"Oh no, Senora," replies Rosa, "your brother-in-law said that."
"OK Rosa," says Hannah, "how much more money do you want?"

bentsh: say grace after meals

(#1944) Rock around the clock
[My thanks to Brian C for the following]
It is very unusual to hear of a nice Jewish guy who enjoys working in a factory environment. But Daniel is just such a guy. For many years now, heís been working for a seaside rock manufacturer in his home town of Brighton. But then one day he hands in his notice and applies for a similar job in Eastbourne.
At his interview, Daniel impresses his prospective new employer and so they decide to try and get some references from Danielís previous employer. Within 24 hours, the MD of the Eastbourne Rock Company telephones the MD of the Brighton Rock Company and says, "Iím calling to hopefully get some information on a previous employee of yours who has recently applied for a job with us."
"Iíll do what I can," replies the Brighton MD. "We rock makers must all stick together, excuse the pun, and help each other out. Who are we talking about?"
"Thatís very kind of you," replies the Eastbourne MD. "I understand that a Mr Daniel Levy used to work for you."
"Yes, thatís correct," comes the reply.
The Eastbourne MD continues, "Mr Levy told us that he is a very hard worker who can make two miles of rock a day and that he has never taken a day off work, nor been late for work in 10 years. Mr Levy also told us that when a Foreman's job recently became vacant at your Brighton factory, he was totally overlooked for the role. And that he was so angry with you that he told you to (ahem) stuff the job and later that day walked out on you. Is all that correct?"
"Yes, itís all true," replies the Brighton MD. "Daniel was a first class worker and he easily used to produce two miles of rock a day when asked to. He was an excellent timekeeper and I canít think of any time when he took a day off sick. But in terms of the promotion he never got, we all here felt that his quick temper might cause us problems if he was ever promoted to Foreman."
The Eastbourne MD says, "Thanks for being so helpful. He sounds just like just the man weíre looking for."
The Brighton MD replies, "You're very welcome, but before you ring off, thereís something you can do to help me out."
"No problem. What is it?" replies the Eastbourne MD.
"If by chance," says the Brighton MD, "you come across someone in the trade who would like to buy two miles of seaside rock with the word, ĎSHMUCKSí written through the middle of the rock, please let me know."

SHMUCK: a stupid person, a penis

(#1945) The unknown soldier
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
A group of British MPs are visiting Israel for the first time and are taken by their host to see all the sights of this wonderful land. On the very last day, they visit the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. But when they go over to the headstone, on it they read the following inscription: -
One of the MPs canít really believe what is written on the headstone, so goes over to his host and says, "I donít understand why this is the grave of an unknown soldier. Surely, if the person is known by name, how can he be an unknown soldier?"
"I understand your confusion," the host replies. "However, take my word for it that as a soldier, he really was unknown. But as a furrier, he was the greatest."

(#1946) The speed checker
[My thanks to Asher P for the following]
Howard is a technology maven. One day, as he is driving down Bishops Avenue in Hampstead, he passes a sign saying that he is approaching the most advanced road-side camera in the world. So he slows down to the 30mph speed limit. But when he passes the camera, it flashes at him.
"Not much of an advanced camera," he thinks. "I wonder what incorrect speed it has been set at?" So he turns around, drives back 300 yards, turns around and approaches the camera again, this time at 20mph. Again it flashes at him and he laughs out loud. Once again he turns around, drives back 300 yards, turns around again and approaches the camera again, this time at just 10mph. Once again, the camera flashes at him. He gives up on the faulty camera and drives home.
One week later, three letters drop through his letterbox. Each one is a Traffic Fine for £100 for driving without a seat belt!

maven: an expert, a connoisseur, someone who is an authority on a subject

(#1947) Riddle
Q: Where was Noah when the lights went out?
A: In d'ark.

(#1948) Sunday round the pool
[My thanks to Hilary A for the following]
It is a lovely, sunny, peaceful Sunday in Golders Green and the local swimming pool is packed. All the retired folk seem to be there as well as younger families. Many of those present are having a shluff in their deckchairs. All of a sudden comes a loud cry for help.
"Oy Vey! Help somebody. Someone help me please. My husband, the doctor, is drowning."

shluff: sleep

(#1949) A Ďcredit crunchí riddle
Q: Whatís the difference between a Broker and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon is still able to place a deposit on a new Lexus

go to the one hundred and seventh set of Jewish jokes


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