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(#111) The Tailor - 1
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny. "I make men's clothes."
(#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered. But the next day, Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
One day, while he was dressing, Maurice reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which fortunately was still there.
Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my trousers here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor. "Be ready next Tuesday."
(#385) A quickie
Q: What is the difference between a tailor and a psychiatrist?
A: A generation
(#418) The tailor - 2
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful suit!"
(#504) Tailor, Tailor and Tailor
In the middle of Whitechapel, London, there was a little street with just five shops in it. Every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first was called George’s Tailor Shop. On its sign was, "Best tailors in the area."
The second was called Mick’s Tailor Shop. Its sign read, "Best tailors in London."
Then came "The Tailor Shop". Its sign read, "Best tailors in the UK."
The fourth was "Baring & Gilow’s Tailors". On its big sign were the words, "Best tailors in the world."
So Moishe Cohen took a lease on the fifth shop, the empty one, and Moishe decided to call it "Cohen’s – Best tailors in the street!"
(#774) The trip to Rome
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day, Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.
As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44 regular."
(#790) The tailor - 3
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’. He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit for a Barmitzvah."
"…You’ll have it."
(#878) The salesman
Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her into buying an extra pair of trousers.”
(#913) Queens English
Lionel is walking home one Friday afternoon feeling quite downcast because he is starting a new job on Monday and desperately needs a new suit. But he can’t afford to buy one. Just then he passes the Hendon Menswear Shop and sees a large sign in the window: -
"What d'ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink."
Lionel goes into the shop and chooses a new suit. He is very pleased with it – it’s just right for his new job. He is about to leave the shop, looking good and feeling lucky, when his joy is cut short. Fink stops him and demands payment for the suit.
Lionel says, "But your sign in the window says, ‘What d’ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink.’ So how come you want payment?"
"You are reading my sign wrong," replies Fink. "It actually says, ‘What d'ya think? - My name is Fink? - And I sell clothes for nothink?’"
(#917) The poor tailor
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
(#994) Roman salesman
Marcus Brutus Goldstein earned his living in the great market of ancient Rome. He was a tailor and made togas which he would sell from his market stall. His marketing ploy was to shout out his wares for sale, "Togas! Come buy your togas here - the finest togas in all of Rome!"
Unfortunately, business was not good.
His friend Moshe suggested that the problem was due to the cold weather. He should therefore line the garments with a fine quality wool lining.
Marcus Brutus Goldstein decided to use the finest quality Kashmir linings. From that day on, he could be heard plying his trade in the market, shouting to passers-by, "Kashmir in togas!"
(#1003) Business lesson number 2
Hyman emigrates to England and sets up Kosher Tailors Ltd. He starts with making alterations and then moves into bespoke suits. Over time, his 3 sons join him and the company grows and prospers. Soon, the company is exceedingly profitable and his sons want to float KTL on the Stock Exchange.
“Dad,” they say, “we need to establish a financial basis for KTL. How should we determine costs and assets? How do we establish value?”
Hyman thinks for a while, then replies, “Go down to the basement and bring me the box behind the old boiler. You should find some flat irons inside the box. Then go upstairs and bring down the old tailor’s dummy behind the door. You will also find an old treadle sewing machine upstairs together with an ironing board. Bring these also to me.”
The sons do as they were told.
Hyman looks at the old instruments and says, “These are what I started with. Everything else is profit.”
(#1045) Gentile jokes
As you know, there are over 1,000 Jewish jokes on the awordinyoureye website, so to make a change, here are some Gentile jokes.
Gentile joke No.1: A man goes into a menswear shop and sees a jacket he likes so he says to the assistant, "That’s a lovely jacket - how much is it?"
The assistant replies, "It's £300, sir."
The man says, "OK, I'll take it."
(#1175) The order
Moshe’s business was struggling. So he was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we won’t be able to fill your recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits until full payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
(#1410) How to sell a shirt
Sam, who is learning the tailor’s trade by working in his father’s shop, has been attending to a customer for almost 30 minutes when he goes over to his father and whispers, "Dad, my customer wants to buy a shirt and has tried on our top-of-the-range Baleboss shirt, you know, the un-shrinkable silk and cashmere version. He wants to know whether the shirt will shrink. What shall I tell him?"
"So nu, does it fit him?" says his father.
"No," replies Sam, "between you and I, it’s a bit too large for him."
"So go tell him it will shrink."
(#1537) Moshe the salesman - 1
Moshe applies for a job at VOT-LOVELY MEN’S WEAR. During his interview, Benjamin the personnel manager asks him, "Where did you last work?"
"Shmatters R Us," replies Moshe, proudly.
"And how long did you work for them?" asks Benjamin.
"A long time - 40 years in fact," replies Moshe.
Benjamin is a bit startled by this response and says to Moshe, "40 years, eh? So how old did you say you were?"
"I’m 51 years old, kin-a-hora," replies Moshe.
"I don’t understand," says Benjamin. "If you’re 51, how come you say you worked for them for 40 years?"
Quick as a flash, Moshe replies, "I put in a lot of overtime."
(#1538) Moshe the salesman - 2
Morris is passing by VOT-LOVELY MEN’S WEAR when he sees a sign in their window
JACKETS – SPECIAL PRICE - £250.
So he goes inside. Moshe, the assistant on duty, goes over to Morris and says, "Can I be of help, sir?"
"Yes you can," replies Morris, "I’d like you to make me a Beatles jacket."
"A Beatles jacket? I don’t know what that is exactly," says Moshe. "Can you describe it to me?"
"Of course," says Morris.
So Moshe takes out his note book and starts to make notes.
"It’s like an ordinary jacket," says Morris "but this one has no collar. Neither does it have a lining … or buttons … or button holes. It doesn’t even have lapels."
"Is that it?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Morris. "So nu? How much will such a jacket cost?"
"For you," replies Moshe, "such a jacket will cost £350."
"But your sign outside says, JACKETS – SPECIAL PRICE - £250," says Morris.
"I know it does," says Moshe, "but with all the extras you’ve asked for ….."
(#1568) Signs and wonders
Abe owns a thriving men’s wear shop in Golders Green, but his prosperity starts to weaken when a competitor opens a shop next door to his on his left. Then, a month later, things get even worse when another competitor opens a shop next door to his on his right.
"Oy veh," he says to himself, "three men’s wear shops in a row is nothing but bad news."
But then, two months later, things start to look up. The competitor on his left has put up a sign in his window saying: -
SALE. MUST CLOSE. QUALITY CLOTHING. LOWEST PRICES.
Then, a week later, the competitor on his right puts up a sign saying: -
BANKRUPT. CLOSING DOWN SALE. EVERYTHING LESS THAN COST
So Abe immediately puts up a big sign over the front door to his shop: -
MAIN ENTRANCE TO THE BIG SALE
(#1743) The future of tailoring
The Levine Bros tailor shop is going through a difficult period and the two partners, Harry and Sidney, are having a chat about their future prospects. Harry says, "Oy, Sidney, things are not so hot. It seems that the only chance we have to prosper is if the Messiah comes."
"Why do you think the Messiah would help us?" asks Sidney.
"Because," replies Harry, "he would bring the dead back to life."
"Nu?" asks Sidney. "So how would that help us?"
"Because they would all need new clothes, wouldn’t they?" replies Harry.
"But what if some of them had been tailors before they died?" asks Sidney. "Wouldn’t they be competing with us?"
"Don’t be a shmuck, Sidney," replies Harry, "they wouldn’t know this year’s new styles!"
(#1912) I’m so tired
Daniel, one of the partners of Minky Tailors, is finding business very stressful - and the Credit Crunch doesn’t make matters any easier. Soon he finds himself unable to sleep at night and begins to arrive at work looking very tired and haggard. So he decides that from now on, when he returns home from work, he would try a different way to get a good night’s sleep. He begins to listen to classical music but that does no good. He tries drinking hot milk, but that doesn’t work either. He takes hot baths - gornisht. He even gets sleeping pills from his doctor, but they just give him greps. Nothing seems to work for Daniel.
One morning, as a last resort, he goes over to Harry, one of his older members of staff, and says, "Oy Vay, Harry. I just can’t sleep at night and nothing I try seems to work. I’m oysgemitchet. If I don’t find a solution soon, I’m going to go meshugga. Do you know of any older remedies that might help me?"
"Well," replies Harry, "why not try one of the oldest remedies around, one that everyone has heard of?"
"Nu? So tell me already. What remedy is that?" asks Daniel.
"Counting sheep," replies Harry, smiling. "It always works for me."
"Oy, what a dum kopf I am," says Daniel, hitting himself on his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I forgot all about counting sheep. I’m going to try it out tonight. Thanks for your help, Harry."
Next morning, Daniel arrives at work looking just as bad as ever. He immediately goes over to Harry and says, "I counted sheep last night just like you said, but it didn’t work. And Oy how I counted sheep! I counted three thousand of them without getting in the least bit tired. So I tried something different. I began shearing the sheep, but that didn’t work either - I just stayed wide awake. But I still didn’t give up. I dyed all the wool I’d just sheared, then spun it and made beautiful woollen overcoats from it. Do you know how tiring it is making three thousand overcoats? But I thought it was working when I became so exhausted that I began nodding off. But then it all went wrong."
"Why, what happened?" asks Harry.
"I stayed up all night worrying about where I could get three thousand silk linings."
(#1960) Sam Levene’s Tailor Shop
NASA are once again launching spaceships to the Moon. In the first such launch, a spaceman named Bill lands on the moon, puts on his space suit, leaves his spaceship, and begins to do some exploring. He’d gone no more than 200 metres from the spaceship when, to his total astonishment, he sees a shop called SAM LEVENE’S TAILOR SHOP.
He can’t believe it but nevertheless it’s there all right, so he decides to investigate. He shuffles over to the shop and enters. Immediately a well dressed gentleman walks over to him and says, "Shalom. I’m Sam Levene, the proprietor of this high class establishment. And who may I ask are you?"
"I’m a spaceman," replies Bill, "and I landed here on the moon no more than 45 minutes ago."
"Oy vey," says Sam Levene, hitting himself on his forehead with the palm of his hand. "A presser is what I asked for and look what they send me – a spaceman."
(XXX#23) The tailor
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.
"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of grey. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a roll of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
(XXX#27) The headache-1
Moshe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. So he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Moshe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. However, he couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, Moshe’s head was clear for the first time for ages. As he was walking down Golders Green High Street, he realised that he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked past a clothes shop, Moshe thought, "That's what I need - a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."
Moshe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Moshe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16½ neck"
Moshe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shirt. It fitted perfectly. As Moshe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Moshe was on a roll and said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s feet and said, "Let's see, 9½E fitting."
Moshe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. Moshe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Moshe said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s head and said, "Let's see, 7 5/8."
Moshe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fitted perfectly. Moshe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Moshe thought for a second and said, "Sure"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Moshe’s waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Moshe laughed, "No, you're wrong this time. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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