go to next category of jokes
BACK TO INDEX PAGE
(#1455) The birthday treat
Moshe asks his wife Sadie what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she says. So on her birthday, he gets up early, shakes Sadie awake, kisses her and says, "Happy birthday, Darling. Now please get up, I’m taking you on a surprise birthday outing."
She does as she’s told and off they go. After a 2-hour’s drive, Sadie is surprised when they arrive at the "Kosher Munchkins Theme Park." And what a day she then has. Moshe makes her go on all the popular rides, including
the Kishkas Ache Water SlideIn fact by the end of the afternoon, Moshe has forced Sadie to go on just about everything there is to go on. She staggers out of the theme park with her head going round and round and feeling very dizzy. But Moshe doesn’t seem to notice. He takes her to McDavids where he orders her a Big Minkyburger with fries and a Pepsi. Then, when they finish eating, he takes her to a movie and buys her a giant tub of popcorn and another Pepsi as they go into the cinema.
the Broyges Ghost House
the Menorah of Fear
the Meshuggeneh Roundabout
the Werewolf Mishpocheh
the Shikker Swing
the Cold Water Shpritz
the Sore Toches Dodgems
the Smelly Gatkes Tunnel
the Klutzy Mountain Railway
and the Loch in Kop Death Ride
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
(#1080) Man versus machine
On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform – the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a £1 coin and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another £1 coin. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35am train to take you to your job at Rothschild’s Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he’s determined to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another £1 coin. The machine instantly says, "You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You’re also a shmuck. While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just missed your train."
(#798) Lasting impression
Moshe was one of those men who had very few girlfriends. When, on rare occasions, he was invited to parties, not only did people forget his name but also they did not take what he said seriously. Even when he tried to be funny, nobody laughed at his jokes! So naturally he was very depressed. When his counsellor suggested he should do something positive to impress his friends and neighbours, Moshe decided to rent a camel.
He put on his khaki shorts and pith helmet and got on the camel. He then rode up and down Edgware looking very proud. Everywhere he and the camel went, there was a buzz of surprise. Passers by stared, pointed, shouted and talked about him. Moshe repeated this activity every day for a week. But then someone stole his camel and Moshe had to go to the police to report the theft.
“I have come to report the theft of a camel,” said Moshe.
“A camel?” said the sergeant, “OK, let me have some details. How tall was it?”
“Maybe 6 or 7 feet tall,” replied Moshe.
“What colour was it?”
“Was it male or female?” asked the sergeant.
“Male,” replied Moshe.
“Are you sure?” asked the sergeant.
“Definitely,” replied Moshe, “every time I rode it, I could hear passers by yelling, ‘look at that shmuck on the camel.’”
(#1205) Marriage advice
Melvyn says to Howard, "My father is always advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then marry her."
"That advice wouldn’t work for me," says Howard. "Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm a shmuck?"
(#1621) I’ve already thought of it
Lawrence and Monty are in the jewellery business but they are not doing at all well. So much so that one day, Lawrence says, "we’re going into a new gesheft and we’re going to make a fortune."
"What new gesheft?" asks Monty.
"We’re going into washing powders," replies Lawrence.
"Washing powders?" says Monty, looking very puzzled, "what do we know from washing powders?"
"Listen, you shmuck," says Lawrence, "it’s easy. We buy crates and crates of the powder from a wholesaler for next to gornisht and put it into little cardboard boxes. Then we sell the boxes for £1.99 each and soon we’ll be rich."
"No, you listen to me, potts," says Monty. "We’ll need to advertise the boxes and that will cost us a fortune."
"OK, so let’s advertise. What’s the problem? I’ve already though of it. We can even advertise on TV," says Lawrence.
"Meshuggeneh," says Monty, "We’ll also need to hire a well known publicity agent and he’ll cost us a lot of gelt to come up with a suitable product name."
"But I’ve already thought of a good name," says Lawrence.
"OK clever clogs," says Monty, "what name do you have?"
"We’ll call it FEKS WASHING POWDER," replies Lawrence.
"What rubbish," says Monty, "how can anyone come up with a slogan for a product with the name of FEKS WASHING POWDER?"
"But I’ve already thought of a slogan," says Lawrence.
"OK wise guy," says Monty, "let’s hear your slogan."
"Right," says Lawrence. "IF OMO DOESN’T WASH YOUR WHITES WHITER, AND PERSIL DOESN’T MAKE YOUR COLOURS BRIGHTER, THEN FEK IT."
gesheft – business
(#1321) Regular sex
Hyman and Sadie, an elderly couple, go for their annual medical. Hyman goes in first and after examining him, doctor Cohen says, "You appear to be in good health, Hyman. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss?"
"Yes I do," says Hyman. "After I have sex with mine Sadie, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."
"That’s odd," says doctor Cohen, "I’ll ask Sadie about it when I check her out."
Soon it was Sadie’s turn. After examining her, doctor Cohen says, "Everything appears to be fine, Sadie. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"No doctor," she replies.
Doctor Cohen then says, "Hyman has an unusual problem. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Can you think of why this might be?"
"Oh that stupid shmuck of a husband of mine," Sadie replies, "it's because we have sex only twice a year - once in the summer and once in the winter."
(#1559) Half time advice
It was half time during a Maccabi youth team football match and Henry, the manager of one of the sides, calls over Lawrence, one of his 9year old players and says to him, "Do you understand what co-operation is, Lawrence? Do you know what a team is?"
"Yes," replies Lawrence.
"Do you therefore understand," continues Henry, "that it’s the team that counts and what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
Lawrence again replies, "yes."
"OK," Henry says, "so when the referee sees a foul and blows his whistle, one shouldn't swear, argue, attack him or call him a shmuck head and a putz. Nor is it good sportsmanship to call a manager 'a dumb ass hole.' Do you agree?
Again Lawrence says, "yes."
"Good," says Henry, "Now go over there and explain all that to your dad."
(XXX#107) Man’s best friend
One day, Ethel tells Benjy, “I’ve found myself another lover and I want a divorce.”
“Never,” says Benjy, “I don’t believe in divorce. But I’ll tell you what you can do. If your new man is presentable, why not bring him home to live with us?”
Ethel accepts this arrangement. Her new lover comes to live with them and soon Ethel is pregnant.
A few years later, the four of them are out walking when Benjy meets an old friend of his.
“Benjy. You’re looking very well,” says his friend, “who is that lovely lady?”
“That,” replies Benjy with pride, “is my wife.”
“And who is the young boy?”
“That’s my son Isaac,” answers Benjy.
“And who is that nice looking young man with your wife?” asks his friend.
“Ah,” replies Benjy, “that’s my shmuck.”
(#637) The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbos and he is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services explains his predicament to the shammas. Within minutes, Jacob comes over and invites him to be his shabbos guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was a lovely shabbos. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives Moshe an invoice for: -
1 hot bath,
1 bar of aromatic soap,
2 clean towels,
1 full shabbos dinner,
3 glasses shabbos wine,
2 nights lodging (bed & breakfast),
1 shabbos lunch, and
1 afternoon tea.
"You're charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments, he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be meshugah. Keep it. It was a pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of shmuck we have for a Rabbi."
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter."
(#47) The shmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a shmuck! You always were a shmuck and you always will be a shmuck! You look, act and dress like a shmuck! You’ll be a shmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for shmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest shmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a shmuck!" Sadie screams.
(#335) Meyer’s first pet
MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer couldn't believe what he was hearing. Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here and check out this parrot..."
Meyer was soon standing in front of an African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had written out a cheque for £500 and carried the parrot, still in his cage, out of the shop and into his car. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's kosher butcher shop in Neasden; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family in Israel; about his years of working in the City; and about Birchington, Kent. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some nuts and raisons. The parrot told Meyer of what life was like living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They then both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do likewise. So Meyer went out and bought a hand-made miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. At first they refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Some bets were made with Meyer. Thousands of pounds were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during the service. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
After the Rosh Hashanah service was over, Meyer worked out that he owed over four thousand pounds. He marched home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several streets away from the Shul, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could be.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand pounds. Why? After I bought you your own tfillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a shmuck," the parrot replied. "The odds will be much better on Yom Kippur."
(#1247) The whole divorce
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce. As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete, she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold, what do you mean by ‘Get’?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get is a religious ceremony that’s required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "it’s very similar. But in a Get, you get rid of the whole shmuck."
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants - if you’ve got a putz, it's not time.
(#201) Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
(#460) Dead What?"
Moishe was an elderly man and resided in a nursing home in Hendon. One day he went into the office and informed his nurse that his penis had died. Realizing that Moishe was old and forgetful, she decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that, Moishe," she replied.
Two days later, Moishe was walking down the hall at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. His nurse saw him and said, "Moishe, I thought you told me your penis had died."
"It has," Moishe replied, "today is the viewing."
(#1523) The burial
Two Jews who work for Chevra Kadisha preparing bodies for burial receive a new corpse. One of them opens his eyes wide and pointing to the man's penis exclaims in amazement
"Nu Yossle, have you ever seen something like this?"
To which Yossl replies,
"Abraham my friend, mine is exactly the same."
Abraham, greatly surprised, inquires,
Yossl replies, "No, so dead!!!!!"
(Non#32) He did what he was told
Little Tommy is squirming around at his desk, scratching his crotch and paying little attention to the English lesson going on in the classroom. When his teacher Mary goes over to find out what’s going on, Tommy is quite embarrassed. He whispers to Mary that he’s recently been circumcised and he’s gotten very itchy. So Mary tells him to use the phone in the corridor to ask his mother what he should do about his itch. Tommy does as he’s told and 5 minutes later returns to his desk.
Within minutes, there’s a commotion around his desk and when Mary goes to investigate, she finds Tommy sitting there with his penis hanging out his trousers.
"I thought I told you to call your Mother," she says to him.
"I did teacher," he replies. "She told me that if I could stick it out till lunch time, she'd come and pick me up from school."
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
Maurice and Sadie, a young orthodox couple, are in the divorce court and the judge has come to what he thinks is a good settlement. When all appears to be agreed, the Judge asks them, "Is there anything else?"
Sadie replies, "Yes, your Honor, I also need a 'get'."
"A what?" asks the Judge.
At that point, Maurice’s solicitor explains that get was a Jewish divorce and that his client had no objection if it was to be included in the judgment.
Sadie, realizing the Judge's lack of knowledge regarding the Jewish religion, then adds, "Your Honor, do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"
"No," replies the Judge, "what is the difference?"
"With a get," Sadie explains, "you get rid of the whole shmuck."
of the affair
Hyman decides to take his secretary Sharon to dinner one night, so he rings his Beckie and tells her he is going to an important business dinner. After a good meal, Hyman drives Sharon back to her flat and she, in turn, offers him some coffee. Soon, one thing leads to another and they find themselves in bed. But no matter how hard he tries, poor Hyman can’t get an erection. So shamefaced, he apologises to Sharon and goes home.
As he quietly gets into bed next to his snoring Beckie, Hyman’s thigh touches hers and he instantly gets an erection. He gets back out of bed, goes into the bathroom, looks at his penis and says, “Now I know why they call you a shmuck.”
(XXX#171) He does
as he’s told
Benny goes to have his prostate checked but when he arrives at the clinic, he’s surprised to be met by a very attractive young female urologist. "Don’t be shocked," she says to him, "there are now quite a few of us women entering the field of Urology. I’m very good at my job, really. So just get up on my couch, take off your lower garments and relax."
Benny does as he’s told.
She puts on some gloves, goes over to him and says, "I’m now going to check your prostate. You’ll notice that my procedure is a little different to what you’re probably expecting, but it won’t hurt. Please lie on your right side and raise your knees to your chest."
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny does as he is told and says, "ninety-nine."
After 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "OK, now turn over onto your left side, keeping your knees raised to your chest.
Benny does as he’s told.
"Good," she says. "Now as before, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine while I do my checking."
Benny does as he’s told and says, "ninety-nine."
After another 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "Very good. Now for my final check. Please turn over onto your back, keeping your knees raised. I will then check your prostate with one hand whilst holding onto your penis with the other. It will only take a few seconds. And as before, while I’m checking take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny is no shmuck. He does as he’s told, and says, "One...two...three..."
Definition of a shmuck: a guy who leaves the shower to take a pish.
Pish: to urinate
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing every type of check and is driving everyone potty with his questions. Soon it’s the Rabbi’s turn. The auditor says to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asks.
"A good question," says the Rabbi. "We actually save the drippings. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every so often they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about the boxes of matzo you purchase? What do you do with the matzo crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect all the matzo crumbs. When we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," replied the Rabbi. "We actually save all the foreskins and when we have enough, we send them to The Inland Revenue."
"To the Inland Revenue?" asked the auditor in disbelief.
"Oh yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue - and once a year they send us a putz like you."
(XXX#182) A beautiful
65 year old Hymie meets his 70 year old friend Sidney in Golders Green one day. "Noo, what’s new?" Sidney asks.
"Oy! You’ll never believe what’s happened to me," replies Hymie.
"So tell me already," says Sidney.
"I vent for a holiday last veek to Bournemouth," says Hymie, "and I found this place where all the girls do sometink. And I meet a beautiful lady there. And vat lovely tsitskehs she had. Then she takes me to see her room. As soon as ve’re inside, she removes my trousers and pants and she … vell you know … she makes me hard. Then she sprays vipped cream from a can around my putz, shprinkles on some nuts and raisons, puts a glazed cherry on top and then…and then…."
"Go on Hymie," says Sidney excitedly, "so tell me what she did next."
"She ate it all up," replies Hymie.
"Mazeltov, you lucky old momzer," says Sidney. "I’m going to Bournemouth next week. Can you give me her name and phone number?"
"Of course, Sidney," replies Hymie, "for you, anything."
A few weeks later they bump into each other again. "Nu," Hymie asks, "so vat happened on your holiday?"
"It was just like you told me," replies Sidney. "I get to Bournemouth, I ring her, she meets me, she takes me to her room, she takes off my trousers and pants, and she makes me hard. Then she sprays whipped cream around my putz, sprinkles on some nuts and raisons, puts a glazed cherry on top and then and then…oh Hymie, what a groisser potz I was, it looked so good that I ate it myself."
groisser potz: big idiot
Avrahom and David were such innocent young men that on their 18th birthdays, they decide to celebrate by getting their first ‘piece of tuches’. They make arrangements with Becky, the neighbourhood floozy, for the following Sunday. Over the following days, the forthcoming event begins to weigh heavily on Avrahom’s mind so he decides to confide in his father to find out everything he should know.
His father asks him, “Do you have condoms, Avrahom?”
Avrahom replies, “What’s a condom, dad?”
His father goes to his bedside table and takes out a pack of three. “Here. You take one of these and unroll it over your putz before you put it in. Even if you don't like wearing it, don’t take it off. It not only helps prevent children, but also, most important of all, it prevents you from getting all those bad venereal diseases you've heard about.”
So on Sunday morning, Avrahom meets David, gives him a condom and explains
word for word everything his father had told him. Then they go to Becky for their first indoctrination into the joys of life.
A week later Avrahom asks David if he feels like he’s caught a disease.
David replies, “No.”
Avrahom says, “Neither do I. Let’s take the damn condom off, I have to pish.”
(Non#39) A visit
to the doctor
Peter goes to see his doctor. "So how can I help you?" asks his doctor.
"Wwwwell aas you nnnnknow, dddddoctor," Peter replies, "I've bbbeen a ssstttutterer ffor yyears and I'm fffed uhuhup wwwith iiit. Ccccan yyyou pppplease hehehelp mmme?"
After examining him, the doctor says, "Well, Peter, I'm fairly convinced that I know what your problem is, but you won’t like what I’m going to tell you. It's your penis that’s causing you your stuttering. It's 14” long and its weight is pressing down too hard and putting too much of a strain on your vocal cords."
The doctor continues, "If you want, I can cut off your current oversized penis and transplant an average sized one in its place. This type of operation nearly always works to cure stuttering. And as a by-product, I can preserve your original penis in a jar for observation and research and this will allow me to operate for free. What do you think? Is it a deal?"
Peter replies, "Dddo it, ddddoctor."
3 months later, Peter returns to see his doctor for a progress check. "Thanks doctor," Peter says, "You've sorted me out at last – I’m no longer stuttering. But I now have a new problem. I've only made love to my wife a handful of times in the past 6 weeks. She doesn't enjoy lovemaking any more because I’m unable to satisfy her in the way I used to. She liked my long penis and wants you to put it back. She doesn’t care if I have to stutter again. So can you do it?"
The doctor replies, "Nnnno I ccccan’t, PPPPetttter, a ddddeal is a ddddeal."
Yossel Abramovitz works in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he suddenly develops a very powerful desire to put his shlong in the pickle slicer. After three months of restraint, Yossel can’t stand it any more and decides to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He then spends many sessions with a psychiatrist who finally gives up on him.
"Yossel," says the psychiatrist, "because your desire to put your shlong in the pickle slicer is so powerful, the only way to get over it is to actually do it."
"OK," says Yossel, "I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning at work. I promise."
And next day, Yossel does what he promised. But at 11am, he arrives back at his house. This worries his wife Sarah and she asks him why he’s home so early. Yossel tells her for the first time about his desire; that he couldn't take it any more, and that today he did it and got fired as a result.
Sarah gasps, runs over to him, pulls down his trousers and pants – and sees his shlong perfectly normal and intact. She looks up at him and says, "I don't understand, Yossel, what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too," replies Yossel.
shlong: (vulgar) penis
Jonathan and Talia are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. In all those 20 years, every time they’ve make love, Jonathan has insisted they do it with the light off. Talia thinks it’s all to do with his not wanting to be seen naked. But today, on their anniversary, she decides to try to rid him of his embarrassment - she really believes that she can cure him of his habit. That night, while they’re having a great shtup, Talia suddenly turns on the bedside lamp and sees Jonathan with a vibrator in his hand - a soft penis shaped one, but much larger than the real thing. She is shocked and very, very angry.
"You impotent momzer," she screams at him, "how could you have lied to me all these years? You’d better explain or you won’t see me again."
Jonathan looks at her and calmly says, "OK. I'll explain the vibrator ….you explain our children."
Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel in Brent Cross shopping centre. "You’re looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my Issy a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"
"I can’t remember," replies Rachel.
in a lift
Moshe, just 5 feet tall, is in a lift on his own when, on the 3rd floor, a giant of a man gets into the lift with him. He’s so big that Moshe just can’t help staring up at him. The giant sees Moshe staring at him and says, "Yes, I’m big, aren’t I? I’m 7 feet 3 inches, 330 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 pounds each testicle, Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Oy Vay," and immediately faints to the floor. The giant kneels down and starts to gently slap Moshe’s face and shake him. When Moshe gains consciousness, the giant asks him, "Is there anything wrong with you?"
In a croaky voice, Moshe replies, "What exactly did you say to me just before?"
The giant replies, "I saw the look on your face when you first saw me and thought I’d give you answers to the questions going through your mind. So I told you I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, weigh 330 pounds, have a 15 inch penis, each of my testicles weigh 2 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Thank goodness, I thought you said, 'turn around.'"
When the penis stands, the brains get buried in the ground.
One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.”
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”
(XXX#61) The game
Three 4th form schoolboys - an Italian, a Greek, and Moishe, are in the playground when Paulo suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
Paulo pulls down his zipper and takes it out.
"That's nothing," says Andreas and takes his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, Moishe whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. Paola and Andreas are stunned. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, during dinner, Moishe’s mother asks him what he did at school that day. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a maths test and read out loud from a new book...and during our lunch hour, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, darling?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Paulo and Andreas each pulled out our penises and I had the biggest. They said it must be that big because I'm Jewish. Is that true, Mum?"
The mother replies: "No, boobalah. It's because you're twenty-three years old."
(XXX#76) In the
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.
(XXX#86) I want
Hymie is an elderly yarn merchant who has the misfortune of living next
door to Fred, a well known anti-Semitic.
One day Fred calls on Hymie and says, "Hey Jew! I need a piece of orange silk." "OK, says Hymie, "how long?"
Fred looks at Hymie and replies, "The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered to me tomorrow latest."
Hymie says, "OK."
Fred is awakened early next morning by loud noises. He looks out his window and sees a row of lorries lined up outside his house, dumping lorry full after lorry full of orange silk into his front garden. Soon, the front of Fred’s house is 3 foot deep in orange silk. Then there is a knock on his door and when he opens it, there’s Hymie with an invoice for £8,000.
Fred starts screaming at Hymie. "What’s this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I wanted a piece of silk from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at my front garden. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Hymie replies, "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with me now. I may be off by a few miles so I gave you a discount, but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
Chaim and Moshe come from a small European shtetl and both go to America. Although they travel to different cities, they decide to meet up in New York after a year.
They meet at the agreed date. Moshe comes in rags but Chaim arrives driving a large Lexus. Moshe tells Chaim how he spent his year. "It was terrible. I couldn’t find any work and I'm still starving. But I see you've done really well, Chaim. Good for you."
Chaim replies, "You’re right. I invented a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells like banana and is spread over a penis."
When they depart, they decide to meet again in the same place one year later.
When they meet again, Chaim comes in his Lexus but this time Moshe arrives in a chauffeured Rolls Royce with three servants who come in a separate Rolls Royce.
"I see you've made a fortune. Good for you, Moshe," says Chaim.
Moshe replies, "You’re right. I invented a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells like penis and is spread over a banana."
(XXX#19) The honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment? Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is 20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't so good now!"
(XXX#35) The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately, his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy, “Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000, a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for £30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather have a new kitchen.”
(XXX#37) The password
Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "PENIS."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
RETURN TO INDEX PAGE
go to next category of jokes