The shadchen jokes of

A selection of jokes around the themes of shadchens and matchmakers
taken randomly from the pages of for you to use for your special occasion

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All the jokes following are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion

(#1683) The perfect woman
Avrahom and Rivkah are quite worried about their 30 year old son Jacob. They’re a Chassidic family and they feel that Jacob should have found a wife by now and had many children. So one day, Avrahom announces, "I’ve been in touch with a shadchen to help us find a wife for our Jacob, and he’s coming here tonight."
"Oy vay," says Jacob.
The shadchen arrives and immediately starts asking questions to enable him to find the right kind of daughter / daughter-in-law. At the end of his visit, the shadchen says to them, "You’ve answered my questions and I’ve been able to put together a ‘shopping list’ of your requirements. I know what you want."
"So do you have someone who meets our requirements?" asks Avrahom, hopefully.
"I think I might have the perfect woman," replies the shadchen.  "I’ll be back tomorrow night with some news."
The next night, the shadchen returns and with a smile announces, "What a wonderful woman I’ve found."
"So make with the details, already," says Avrahom.
"Well," says the shadchen, "I think this woman will be perfect for Jacob. She’s the right age; she keeps a Glatt Kosher home; she attends shul regularly; she davens by heart; she just adores children and wants to raise a large family; she’s a marvellous cook; and on top of all that, she's very, very beautiful."
On hearing this, Avrahom and Rivkah begin to discuss the prospects of an early wedding. But then Jacob, who up to now has remained silent, asks the shadchen, "Is she also good in bed?"
The shadchen thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well Jacob, some say yes...and some say no."

shadchen: a professional marriage broker
chassid chassidic: member of an orthodox religious sect
shul: synagogue
davens: prays

(#831) Have I got someone for you
A shadchen goes over to a yeshiva buchur and says, "Do I have a girl for you."
"Not interested," replies the buchur.
"She's very beautiful," says the shadchen.
"Really?" says the buchur.
"Yes, and she's rich too."
"And she has great yiches. She’s from a very fine family."
"Sounds great," says the buchur, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
"Well, you can't have everything," replies the shadchen.

yeshiva buchur: student
yiches: ancestry

(#321) Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single. In desperation, Benny met with a shadchen who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon -- Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara."
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, that’s who."
"A shikseh?"
The shadchen sighed. "In these enlightened times, what's wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they're wealthy and the princess is a real beauty. Look, I'll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman  --- Princess Zara Phillips.
Benny thought the names looked very good together, but said, "I also have to consider aunt Bette. She is very religious and if she found out Solomon was marrying a shikseh, she'd kill herself."
So an appointment was made to see Bette. For several hours, the shadchen pleaded, argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears in her eyes, Bette said, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I won’t object. I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name so no one will know my shame."
Even though she was worn out, the shadchen left Bette’s house in high spirits. As soon as she got into his car, she opened her little book to the page where both names had been written and put a tick after the name ‘Solomon Goldman’.
She then said, with a huge sigh of relief, "Half done!

shikseh: non-Jewish girl

(#1484) Dating advert in Jewish Chronicle
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup and Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. Reply to Box 13

(#1485) Not a lot to ask
Hannah goes to see a shadchen hoping that he has someone on his books who would meet her needs. She says to the shadchen, "I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me find someone suitable."
"I’m sure I can help," replies the shadchen, "may I ask what your requirements are?"
"Well," says Hannah, "he needs to be handsome in a masculine kind of way and he needs a good sense of humour. He must be polite and courteous and have a knowledge about most subjects. He needs to sing and dance well and he must always be willing to accompany me wherever I decide to go during my leisure hours. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need some conversation and be quiet when I need to rest."
The shadchen smiles and says, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television."

(#175) Shadchen 1
A shadchen, having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her.
Cyril took one look at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?" asked the shadchen.
"You said she was young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely, but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."

(#176) Shadchen 2
A shadchen goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadchen responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadchen approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadchen goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

(#100) The shadchen
Benny, the shadchen, goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

(#1838) What a surprise!
Shmuel has been living by himself for many years, but when he reaches 30 he decides that he has had enough already of feeling lonely. So he goes to see a local shadchen.
"I’m looking for a nice wife," Shmuel says.
"OK, you’ve come to the right place," says the shadchen. "So what kind of ‘nice wife’ would suit you best?"
"Well," replies Shmuel, "she doesn’t have to be rich, she doesn’t even need to be beautiful or have a great figure. What I’m looking for is a lebediker fisch."
A few days later, the shadchen contacts Shmuel. "I’ve found someone for you."
Two months later, Shmuel and Naomi get married. But when, five months later, Naomi gives birth to a lovely bouncing boy, Shmuel immediately contacts the shadchen. "I have a complaint to make about your selection process," Shmuel says. "I asked for a leberdiker fisch, not a gefilte fish!"

lebediker fisch: a lebediker is a lively person. Many years ago, fish merchants would shout out their fresh and tasty wares in the street as ‘lebediker fisch, lebediker fisch’
gefilte fish: filled / stuffed fish (poached fish patties or balls made from mixture of ground deboned fish, usually carp)

(#1881) I suppose not
Miriam is an accountant and hasn’t been able to find the time to look for a husband. So her parents arrange for Morris the shadchen to find their daughter a nice husband. A few days later, Morris tells Miriam that he has found the perfect match for her. "Howard comes from a really fine family," Morris tells her. "He’s a lovely man, well educated and most importantly, he’s wealthy."
Miriam quickly agrees to go out to tea with him.
On her return, she briefs Morris on her findings. "Howard was friendly and relaxed with me," she says, "and as you say, he’s very educated and knew a lot about everything. But he’s far from the handsome man I’m looking for. In fact Howard is, how can I put it, a meeskeit and I’m afraid he’s therefore a ‘no go’ as far as I’m concerned."
Unwilling to loose business without putting up a fight, Morris says, "Hold on a minute, Miriam, I don’t want you to make a hasty decision that you might later regret. I’ve seen Howard and I agree with you that although he is ugly, thank God he’s not a klutz, nor a vilde mensh, nor a nebbish. Nor is he a grober, or a pisher, or a dumkop. These are all points in Howard’s favour. And there are other important aspects to this man that you must consider."
"OK," replies Miriam, "so what are these other aspects?"
"While you’re at work all day balancing you clients’ profit and loss accounts, will you be looking at Howard?" Morris asks.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you come home after work," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard while you prepare the evening meal and then while you both eat?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you go to bed at night," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard in the dark?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And will you be looking at Howard whilst you’re asleep?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And during weekends, when you have children - and please God may you be blessed with many - would you spend your time at home looking at Howard instead of taking your children on outings?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"Well then," says Morris, it’s clear to me that marrying such a mensh won’t be as much of a hardship as you think it will be. You’ll hardly be looking at him and there’s no reason not to marry him. Shall I make the arrangements now?"

meeskeit: an ugly person, so ugly that it hurts the eyes
klutz: a clumsy person, graceless
vilde mensh: wild person, deranged
nebbish: a nobody, inept
grober: coarse, vulgar, uncouth person
pisher: inexperienced, wet behind the ears, also a bed wetter
dumkop: a dumbbell
mensh: man of fine qualities, a real man

All the above jokes are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion


go to next category of jokes

Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
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