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(#451) The Rabbi and the Parrots
One day, Hette approaches her Rabbi after the service and says to him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the Rabbi asks.
"They only know how to say, 'Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'"
"Why, that's terrible!" the Rabbi says, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Oh thank you, Rabbi," Hette replies.
The next day Hette brings her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. Hette puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"
(#468) The question
Yankele was watching his father, a Rabbi, write one of his shabbes speeches.
"How do you know what to say, Daddy?" Yankele asked.
"Why, son, God tells me", said the Rabbi.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
(#430) The visit to the Rabbi
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asks the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asks the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” says the now angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?”
(#432) The Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with £700 in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a £50 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had £750 in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the Rabbi.
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe me."
The Rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Rabbi takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had £750 in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with £750 in it!"
(#434) Humorous Tale Of Rabbi On The Run
Rabbi Bloom is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Rabbi Bloom moves closer to the boy's position and calls out to him, "Would you like some assistance?"
The little boy responds "NO!"
Rabbi Bloom continues to watch as he crosses the street and walks up behind the little fellow. He places his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, Rabbi Bloom smiles benevolently and asks, "Is there anything else I can help you with, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Yes, run like hell!"
(#400) The prayer
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
(#403) Going to shul
Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulka and sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
"I'm not going to shul today!" he said to Sarah emphatically.
"Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
"No I'm not . . . I don't think I really want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people down there don't like me, they ignore me sometimes . . . they don't appreciate me at all . . . and I won't go back."
"Yes, you will go today, and you will continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I'll give you two reasons. Number one, you're 45 years old ... and Number two, you're the Rabbi!"
(#406) Conversation with the Rabbi
Rabbi Bloom asked young Paul what his favourite bible story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied Paul.
"That was a good story," said Rabbi Bloom, "and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"
Paul thought for a moment then replied, "I don't think so...they only had two worms."
(#409) Quick thinking
A minister, a priest and Rabbi Samuels went for a walk in the country. It was a very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water naked. When they came out, they were feeling so refreshed that the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
But as they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and Rabbi Samuels covered his face.
After the ladies had left and the men had got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked Rabbi Samuels why he covered his face rather than his privates.
Rabbi Samuels replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize."
(#411) Groan, groan
Bernie and Yossi were down on their luck and decided to do some part time external decoration work to earn extra money. To start off their new venture, they asked their Rabbi if he would be interested in their painting the outside of his house - for a very keen price, obviously. The Rabbi said yes and so Bernie and Yossi went out to buy the paint.
They drove to the local Sainsbury’s Homebase store and bought some emulsion. It was cheap enough as paint goes and they planned to mix half paint and half water to further increase their profits. Then they went back to the Rabbi’s house and started work.
When they had finished painting the Rabbi’s house, Yossi called the Rabbi and his wife to come out and inspect their work.
"It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said. But as he started to hand them their cheque, it started to rain quite heavily. All at once there was thunder and lightning, the Rabbi’s house was drenched, and the paint started running down the walls.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven roared . . . "Repaint. Repaint and thin no more."
(#414) The last request
Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Cohen.
"Oh, Rabbi, I've got terrible news," replied Esther.
"Well what is it, Esther?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi."
"Oh, Esther", said the Rabbi, "That's terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther.
"What did he ask, Esther?"
Esther replied, "He said, 'Please, please Esther, put down the gun...'
(#416) It’s the way I ask ‘em
Two Yeshiva students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement.
So Yankel says to Moishe, "We will go and ask the Rebbe."
When they find the Rabbi, Yankel asks him, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice: "Certainly not!"
Moishe then addresses the Rabbi, "Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?"
The Rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, "Yes, of course!"
(#655) The sermon
One Friday night I was in the shul and the Rabbi was giving his usual sermon. At the end of his speech, he told the congregation, “Before we continue, I would like to inform you that our shul has decided to collect goods for the most needy people in our area. It’s for a good cause and we need your help. Please bring us this Sunday anything you have lying around your house that you can spare or have no great need for. For example, I’m sure that you can all think of something that you have excess of.”
Behind me I heard the voice of an old lady saying to her neighbour seated next to her, “Yes, tsuris.”
tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache.
(#656) The flight of the Rabbis
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."
(#658) The shul visitors
Rabbi Bloom of the United Orthodox Synagogue was playing golf one Sunday when he meets three members of the Federation Reform Synagogue on the course. They talk and he invites them to come to his shul. Next shabbes they make an appearance, but because they turn up some time after service began, all the main seats are filled. Several other latecomers were already seated on folding chairs.
Rabbi Bloom calls over the shammes. "Moishe, please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe is a bit deaf so he leans closer and says, "I beg your pardon, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Bloom again says, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe was puzzled but as there was a lull in the service, he goes to the front of the shul and loudly announces, "The Rabbi says, 'Give three cheers for my Reform friends in the back!'"
(#660) Will the real mother-in-law please
Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the Rabbi was called to sort it out.
After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, "If you still both want him, then we'll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him."
One kept quiet while the other said, "In that case, give him to the other woman."
When the Rabbi heard this, he immediately said, "OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!"
(#662) The relationship
Whenever 4-year old Miriam was asked her name, she replied, "I'm Mr Levy’s daughter."
So her mother tells her this is wrong and that she must answer, "I'm Miriam Levy."
Next shabbes, after the service, the Rabbi asks her, "Aren't you Mr Levy’s daughter, little girl?"
Miriam replies, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."
(#663) Medical facts
Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next to each other on the tube train one night. Issy was returning home after another wild leaving party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the tube train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained, and his face was covered in lipstick.
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What causes arthritis, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, uninhibited women, drinking too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis."
(#665) A visit to the Rabbi
Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, 8 and Isaac, 10 were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in Golders Green, they were nearly always involved.
One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a Rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this Rabbi and asked whether he could help.
He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first – but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the Rabbi while Isaac was kept at home.
The Rabbi sat Shlomo down across a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For 5 minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Shlomo said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the Rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo said nothing. Then the Rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?"
Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac’s room and said, "We are in big trouble, Isaac."
"What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?" said Isaac.
Shlomo replied, "God is missing... and I’m sure they think we did it."
(#666) The mitzvah
As soon as the shabbes service had ended, little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, "When I grow up, Rabbi, I'm going to give you lots of money."
Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, "That's really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?"
Benjy replies, "Because my Dad says you're the poorest Rabbi we have ever had!"
(#667) The nibbler
Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, "Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her."
The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts.
"No, of course not," she replied and continued talking at length about her day.
A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, "Mrs. Gold, I'm sorry but I've eaten almost all of your peanuts."
Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, "Don't worry about it Rabbi, I can't eat peanuts - I just like to nibble the chocolate off them."
(#1056) What a mitzvah
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my shul this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
(#1058) I’m not sure
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe.
(#1062) Deja vu
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy, the shul president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "I’ve just heard the news. I’m really sorry that you’ve decided to leave us."
"Don’t worry," says Rabbi Morris, "you’ll have nothing to worry about. I’m going to recommend a successor whom I believe will be better than me."
"But that’s exactly what’s worrying me," says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing."
(#1063) Absolutely certain
As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office, there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for one man to make money from another man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?" asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive," replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this, Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you please return the £300 I gave you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"
(#1071) A shul visit
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in shul. It’s probably true to say that they are not the most religious of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year – and this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes Rabbi Rose’s hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "It’s nice of you to say so, Abe, so why don’t you and Sadie come here more often?"
"It’s difficult," replies Abe, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's really good to hear," says Rabbi Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps 6 of them and I keep the other 4."
(#1592) The book competition
Rabbi Josephs has an appointment to see his old friend Rabbi Bloom and Lionel, the shammes, kindly agrees to drive him there. When they arrive, Rabbi Bloom is on the phone and asks them to wait in his study.
As soon as they enter the study, Rabbi Josephs walks over to the well stocked bookcase and begins to look carefully at the many books on display. Suddenly, Rabbi Josephs pulls a book from the shelf, opens it, scans the pages and goes very pale. Still holding the book, he has to sit down for a moment. When the colour comes back to his face, he gets up, kisses the book and puts it back on the shelf. Lionel doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t understand what’s going on.
But then it happens again. Rabbi Josephs takes hold of another book, opens the pages, stares at what he finds and as before, has to sit down in case he faints. A few moments later, he gets up, kisses the book and replaces it. This time, Lionel decides to ask Rabbi Joseph if everything is OK.
"Rabbi," Lionel asks, "what was wrong with that book you just put back?"
"Nothing Lionel, nothing at all," replies Rabbi Joseph, smiling. "Just for a moment there, I thought Rabbi Bloom had another book I didn't have."
(#758) Religious conference
At a conference on religion a priest, a minister and a rabbi were all asked the same question, "What would you like people to say about you after you die?"
The priest said, "I hope that people will say that I was able to rise above the scandals that are plaguing the Catholic Church at this time. I hope that people would say that I was able to shepherd my flock through this crisis and help them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have for all of them as Catholics."
The minister then said, "When I die I hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ. I hope that I will be remembered as a caring, thoughtful man who always spread the Word, the love of Christ and a faith everlasting in God. I hope that my preaching and converting will be carried on in my memory and to the glory of Christ."
Finally, the rabbi was asked, "Rabbi, what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?"
Without pausing, the rabbi answered, "Look. He's breathing."
(#759) Death of a dog
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for animals."
Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."
"So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000 for such a service."
At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come back, come back."
Benny turns round and says, "I thought you couldn't help me."
"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't tell me your dog was Orthodox."
(#768) The recordings
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His shul was always packed because his congregation didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. One shabbes, one member had to go to another shul to attend a nephew's barmitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following shabbes, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."
(#362) The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"
(#366) Surprise, surprise
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look how they serve it!"
(#373) The fire
Moishe is a member of Hendon shul. One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Golders Green shul to ask him for help.
"Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I've nothing left but the clothes I’m wearing."
"Do you have a letter from your own rabbi attesting to this fire?" Rabbi Goldman asks.
"Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately, that was also lost in the fire."
(#1156) The fast day
It’s Yom Kippur and Aaron is in synagogue, but he’s not feeling too good. So during a short break after the Rabbi’s sermon, he goes over to the Rabbi.
"I really need your help, Rabbi Levy."
"Yes, Aaron, how can I help," says the Rabbi.
"I obviously know that I’m meant to fast today, but I’m so, so thirsty. Please, Rabbi, can I have something to drink?"
Rabbi Levy replies in a firm voice, "I’m sorry, Aaron, but you know the rules - it has to be a life-threatening situation before I can allow you to break the fast."
"But Rabbi, it is serious," says Aaron, "if I don't get something to drink, I’ll faint from thirst. Really I will."
After much to-ing and fro-ing, Rabbi Levy relents and instructs the gabbai to give Aaron a small glass of water kept just for such emergencies. As soon as Aaron has drunk the water, he says, "Thank you Rabbi, I promise you that it will be the last time I'll eat salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."
(#1135) Following orders
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, ask for two glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both one of our snacks free of charge. My customers won’t mind, seeing you are Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches and carry on eating.
(#1137) The shul service
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 60th birthday, spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to ‘become’ a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly 40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens attentively to the Rabbi’s sermon, especially the bit at the end when the Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend next week. But please don’t think I will be shirking my duties – I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down for £20 for the flood victims."
(#1144) A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldn’t help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So what’s with the shaking, Aaron?” asked Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage," he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time. My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Don’t worry, Aaron, yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. You’ve got PMS."
"I’ve got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "You’ve got a dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."
(#802) Wife problems
Bernard goes to see his Rabbi. "Something terrible is happening to me, Rabbi. I must talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "So what's wrong, Bernard?"
Bernard replies, "I’m sure that my wife Sarah is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is surprised by this and says to Bernard, "I'm sure you can’t be right."
But Bernard pleads, "I'm telling you, Rabbi, I'm certain Sarah’s poisoning me and I don’t know what to do."
The Rabbi shrugs his shoulders and says, "OK, if I can talk to Sarah, I might be able to find out what’s happening. I can then let you know what I’ve discovered."
Bernard says, "Thank you Rabbi. What would I have done without you?"
A week later, the Rabbi calls Bernard and says, "Well, I contacted Sarah – in fact I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. Do you want my advice now?"
Bernard replies, "Yes, please, Rabbi."
"I think you should take the poison!"
(#806) The shul course
Edgware Road shul wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management. Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Rabbi.
“What time does the course start, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi replied, “Oh... fivish, sixish....”
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzo broken on the perforation!"
(#959) Declining morals
Rabbi Levy and Rabbi Landau met one day and within minutes were discussing how quickly morals in the western world were declining.
”Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my wife before I got married.” said Rabbi Levy, “Did you?”
”I can’t be sure,” said Rabbi Landau, “what was her maiden name?”
(#966) The wedding ceremony
Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the shul. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Maurice, "Pull down your trousers."
"Rabbi, I've changed my mind," says Maurice, "I think I prefer the traditional service."
(#1016) Compared to what?
Issy has six daughters, all married but one – and she is not very beautiful. So one day Issy visits Rabbi Levine. "Rabbi, I don’t know what to do about Becky. She seems to be too ugly for the men around here to want to marry. What do you suggest I do?"
"First of all, can I ask you how ugly Becky is?" says Rabbi Levine.
"Well, Rabbi, if she was lying on a plate with some herrings, I don’t think she would stand out from the herrings."
"OK, " says Rabbi Levine, "what kind of herrings are we talking about?"
Surprised by the question, Issy replies, "Err….Bismarck herrings Rabbi."
"That’s really bad luck, then," says Rabbi Levine, "if they were Maatjes herrings, she’d have a much better chance."
(#1019) Barmitzvah present
Avrahom is a 12year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible (old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open."
(#1024) The benefactor
Issy the millionaire goes to shul one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
"Rabbi,” says Issy, "that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Why thank you Issy, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
But Issy continues, "In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you £10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund."
Rabbi Levy replies, "No sh*t?"
(#1025) The doctor’s bill
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me, ‘no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris owes you nothing – you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid.”
(#290) A Quicky
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
Q: You're at a Jewish wedding... how can you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?
A: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal wedding the Rabbi is pregnant
(#293) The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shammes to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shammes replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”
(#296) The principle
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."
(#300) The start of it all
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."
The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."
(#311) The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”
(#313) Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”
(#979) The helpers
One Sabbath, at the end of the service, Rabbi Cohen announces to his Hendon congregation that he would not be renewing his contract and that he would be moving on to a larger shul in the West End for more money. There is immediate silence. He is a popular Rabbi and most of the congregation (but not all - after all he’s a Rabbi) are unhappy to hear this news.
Suddenly Moshe, who owns several very successful kosher restaurants, gets up and shouts out, "If Rabbi Cohen agrees to stay with us, I'll provide him and his family with a free 3 course meal every day for the next 2 years."
Then Abe, a successful property tycoon, stands up and shouts, "If Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll not only increase his salary by 50% but I’ll also guarantee the education of his two children."
Then Sadie, aged 75, stands up and shouts, "And if Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll promise him sex."
Rabbi Cohen, blushing, asks her, "Sadie, why on earth did you say that?"
Sadie replies, "Because I’ve just asked my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw him."
(#981) The new golf course
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy. "Becky, he shouts, "I’m feeling terrible, I’m sore all over, what should I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news for you. You’re very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like to be buried with his golf clubs. If there’s a golf course in heaven, he would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi, is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "I’ll speak to God for you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi, have you any news?”
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and you can play golf to your heart’s content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news, Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning 8 o'clock - you tee off."
(#987) The solution
Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn’t that simple, so they took their problem to Rabbi Landau.
"Rabbi," said Melvyn, "can you please help us solve our problem?"
As soon as he had heard their case, Rabbi Landau said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again."
The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the rabbi gave them his solution. He gave Max a 50p coin and said, "You can toss the coin."
"And you," said Rabbi Landau to Melvyn, "can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land."
"But that won’t work," said Max, "we'll be right back from where we started."
"But not," said Rabbi Landau, "if the one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!"
(#636) Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more. She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."
Sadie’s eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her legs."
(#637) The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbes and he is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services explains his predicament to the shammes. Within minutes, Jacob comes over and invites him to be his shabbes guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was a lovely shabbes. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives Moshe an invoice for: -
1 hot bath,
1 bar of aromatic soap,
2 clean towels,
1 full shabbes dinner,
3 glasses shabbes wine,
2 nights lodging (bed & breakfast),
1 shabbes lunch, and
1 afternoon tea.
"You're charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments, he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be meshugah. Keep it. It was a pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of shmuck we have for a Rabbi."
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbes sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter."
(#651) The note
Howard had been a good Jew all his life. Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
(#1516) The Passover test
Sean is waiting for a bus when another man joins him at the bus stop. After 20 minutes of waiting, Sean takes out a sandwich from his lunch box and starts to eat. But noticing the other man watching, Sean asks, "Would you like one? My wife has made me plenty."
"Thank you very much, but I must decline your kind offer," says the other man, "I’m Rabbi Levy."
"Nice to meet you, Rabbi," says Sean, "but my sandwiches are alright for you to eat. They only contain cheese. There’s no meat in them."
"It’s very kind of you," says Rabbi Levy, "but today we Jews are celebrating Passover. It would be a great sin to eat a sandwich because during the 8 days of Passover, we cannot eat bread. In fact it would be a sin comparable to the sin of adultery."
"OK," says Sean, "but it’s difficult for me to understand the significance of what you’ve just said."
Many weeks later, Sean and Rabbi Levy meet again. Sean says, "Do you remember, Rabbi, that when we last met, I offered you a sandwich which you refused because you said eating bread on Passover would be as great a sin as that of adultery?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Yes, I remember saying that."
"Well, Rabbi," says Sean, "that day, I went over to my mistress’s apartment and told her what you said. We then tried out both the sins, but I must admit, we just couldn’t see the comparison."
(#1220) A surprise restaurant visit
Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy.
"Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food."
"Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?"
"And did you see me order this food?"
"And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?"
"And did you then see me eat the food?"
"Then I don't see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."
treif: non kosher food
(#1225) The 2 questions
Rabbi Bloom gets on a tube train on its way to Golders Green. As soon as the doors close, a priest gets up, goes over to the rabbi and says, "Good morning rabbi. I have a question to ask you. Why is it that everybody thinks Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
Rabbi Bloom, who is not up for an argument, says, "I’m sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi and I’m not really able to participate in such a discussion."
But the priest insists. "Look, no harm meant rabbi, but I have a theory and I need to test it out in the form of a bet. I’ll pay you £100 if you can ask me a question that I can't answer. But if I can ask you a question that you can't answer, you must pay me £100."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "But I’m a poor rabbi - I only have £10 on me."
The priest hesitates then says, "OK, rabbi, it’s my £100 against your £10."
Rabbi Bloom realises he can't get out of this so he agrees, but on condition that he asks the first question. The priest agrees.
"OK," says Rabbi Bloom, "what animal has scaly skin, the body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a mouse, webbed toes and swims under water?"
Surprised, the priest admits that he doesn't know and asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it. The rabbi agrees.
2 minutes later, the priest takes £100 from his wallet and gives it to the rabbi. The priest then asks the rabbi, "So what animal was it?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "How should I know?" and gives the priest £10.
(#1228) Appearances can be deceptive
It’s Friday and Moshe is in Shanghai on business. He asks the hotel’s concierge whether there’s a shul nearby. There is, so he gets instructions on how to get there and arrives just before the start of evening service. Moshe is amazed. It’s the largest shul he’s ever seen and not only that, it’s packed with Chinese worshippers. He is lucky and finds the last available seat.
All through the service, Moshe notices the rabbi looking over to where he’s sitting and just before the service ends, the rabbi makes his way over to where Moshe is sitting.
"Where are you from?" the rabbi asks.
"I am from Golders Green in London," replies Moshe.
"Are you Jewish?" asks the rabbi.
Moshe replies, "But of course I am."
Then the rabbi says, "funny, you no rook Jewish."
(#1231) Heavenly needs
Rabbi Bloom was testing the children in his Sunday Hebrew class to see if they understood the concept of going to heaven. So he asked them, "Boys and girls, if I sold my house and my car and gave all the money to the shul, would that let me go to heaven?"
"No," the children shouted out.
"OK," said the rabbi, "if I cleaned the shul every day, washed all our stained glass windows, inside and out and kept every prayer book neat and tidy on the shelves, would that let me go to heaven?"
Again, the answer shouted out was, "No."
Rabbi Bloom was beginning to really enjoy this ‘test’.
"Well then children," he asked, "if I was the kindest person in the whole world to animals and if I gave pieces of halva and kosher sweets to every boy and girl in North London and if I promised never to shout at any of you, would that let me go to heaven?"
Again, all the children shouted out, "No."
"Well," Rabbi Bloom continued, "how then can I get to heaven?"
With that, Aaron, a six year old, shouted out, "You’ve got to be dead, rabbi."
(#1115) Advice for the ladies
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says, "I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body."
A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know," the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental. So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make a little wiggle."
Rabbi Gold is conducting his very first service at one of London’s oldest shuls. All is going well until he gets to the ‘Shema’ prayer - only half his congregation stand up. Those still seated start yelling ‘sit down’ to those standing and those standing start yelling ‘stand up’ to those sitting. Although Rabbi Bloom is knowledgeable about much of the law, he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks it must be something to do with the shul’s tradition.
After the service, Rabbi Bloom consults Abe, the shul’s oldest member. "I need to know, Abe, what the shul’s tradition is with regard to the Shema prayer. Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"So the tradition is to sit during Shema?" says Rabbi Bloom.
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"But," says Rabbi Bloom, "my congregation argue all the time. They yell at each other about whether they should sit or stand and ..."
Abe interrupts, exclaiming, "Aha, THAT is the tradition!"
(#819) Letter to a shul secretary
We have a proposition to make. A recent survey - ‘What makes the perfect Rabbi?’ showed that: -
(#821) The sermon
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."
The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
(#828) Results count
A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb, "that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed."
(#832) Gambling Rabbi
A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff's story, the judge asked the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then replied aloud, "No, your honour, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge then asked the minister.
The minister replied, "No, your honour, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
(#1036) Getting back
Issy goes to see Rabbi Levy.
"Rabbi," he says, "you remember Sarah and I got divorced last year?"
"Yes Issy, I remember."
"Well Rabbi, the thing is, my friends are telling me that Sarah is feeling very sorry she divorced me. They think she wants to get back with me. What do you think I should do?"
"Nothing," said Rabbi Levy, "do absolutely nothing."
"You seem so sure about this, Rabbi. Why?"
"Yes, Issy, I am," replied Rabbi Levy. "You see, wives are very much like fishermen - complaining about the one they caught, and bragging about the one that got away."
(#1200) Meeting with the tax inspector
Abe was due a visit from the Inland Revenue inspector to go through some discrepancies in his accounts. Should he dress up or down for the meeting? He just didn’t know what was best so he asked both his accountant and his lawyer for their views.
His accountant told him, "Wear your worst clothes, shmattas even, and an old pair of shoes. Make him believe you’re very poor."
But his lawyer told him, "Wear your smartest suit with a good shirt, expensive tie and nice cuff-links. That way you won’t be intimidated."
Abe was confused and went to see his Rabbi about the conflicting advice he had been given. "Let me answer your dilemma with a story," said the Rabbi.
A woman, about to marry, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, "Put on a long nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wear woollen socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Put on your sexiest, most see-through negligee."
"I don’t understand, Rabbi. What does this have to do with my interview with the Inland Revenue?" asked Abe.
"It means that it doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed anyway."
(#1202) Benefits of television
Some people believe that regularly watching television does us no good at all because TV is a destroyer of minds. But not everyone believes this and certainly not Rabbi Levy. When asked what his views were on the educational role of television, Rabbi Levy replied, "TV can actually play a very important educational role. When someone turns on the TV in my house, I go into my study and read Torah and the commentaries."
(#856) Who needs friends?
Rabbi Bloom was having trouble getting a minyan together. Several families with strong anti-war views had recently left his shul and taken up the Quaker faith.
"It can't be helped," Rabbi Bloom lamented. "It seems some of my best Jews are Friends."
Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near the shul exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max, I think you need to join the Army of God!"
"But I'm already in God’s Army, Rabbi," said Max.
"So how come I don't see in shul except on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau.
Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service."
(#1447) The special dinner guest
Paul and Natalie have invited their elderly rabbi for dinner. While they’re in the kitchen preparing the meal, the Rabbi is in the dining room with their 5 year-old daughter.
"So tell me, Emma," asks the rabbi, "do you know what we’re having tonight?"
"Goat," replies Emma.
"Goat?" says the startled rabbi. "Are you sure about that, Emma?"
"Oh yes, rabbi," replies Emma, "I heard daddy say to mummy, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
(#536) The conversation
Rabbi Bloom and Father O’Reilly were arguing one day about religion. They went on for some time and very soon, things began to get out of hand.
Then Rabbi Bloom said, “We must not quarrel in this way. It’s not right. We are both doing God's work, you in your way and I in His.”
(#550) The kitten
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom’s kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn’t come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - “Here kitty kitty,” he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet’s basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn’t reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won’t believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that’s why I’m buying cat food!"
The little village was very poor. The people could hardly pay their rabbi. It was lucky that the rabbi was such a pious man who fasted twice a week, because if he wasn’t, he would have starved.
(#184) The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
(#185) Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?"
(#193) The Donations
Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year. The shul Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you ensure all windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the shul.
(#1240) Start with the easy solution
Faye and Monty have been married for over 30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends and family alike.
Monty decides to become more ‘orthodox’ and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then, two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it ‘glatt kosher’. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
"Rabbi," he asks, "what can I do? How can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her to run a kosher kitchen?"
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods sympathetically. "Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there in existence?"
Monty has recently learned this and quickly gives the correct answer, "613."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "so why don’t you start with ones that don't annoy her?"
(#144) The Headache.
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
(#147) The deal
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph, I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
(#160) Is sex work?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
The priest says, "It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says, "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I'm not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone to come in and do it for her."
(#168) A stay in hospital
Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
(#170) The Old Man
Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to shul.
Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me and I don't want to remind him."
(#174) The plaque
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the shul. It was covered with names and small British flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God."
A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled them first."
(#387) The visit to the Rabbi
Hette goes to see her Rabbi and she is very, very angry. She tells him she wants to divorce her husband.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"
(#390) It’s obvious
Moshe and his friends had been arguing for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled.
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi.
"Why the moon, of course," replied the Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all."
(#397) Grown up for his age
Little nine year old Ira was walking home from Grodzinski’s Bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his mum and their local Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, "Hello Ira! How are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?"
To which Ira replied, "Yeah, and a loaf of bread, too!"
Did you hear about the famous mohel Rabbi Bloom who ran his own PR Company? He saved his own clippings.
(#1340) The wise rabbi
Sadie has a problem so goes to see the very wise Rabbi Levy. She asks him, "Two members of our shul, Bernard Himmelfarb and Jacob Gold, are both in love with me, Rabbi. Who will be the lucky one?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Jacob will marry you, Sadie, but Bernard will be the lucky one."
(#1344) Dying wishes
Hette is dying and her rabbi comes to visit her. "Do you have any last wishes, Hetty?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Yes rabbi," whispers Hetty, "I know you won’t like hearing me say this, but I want to be cremated."
"You know that is forbidden to us," says Rabbi Gold, "but because it’s one of your final wishes – then OK. Is there anything else?"
"Yes," whispers Hetty, "I want my ashes spread over the John Lewis department store in Brent Cross."
"Why on earth would you want to do that?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Because that way," replies Hetty, "my two daughters will find it easy to visit me each week."
(#1353) Lost and found
Nathan goes to shul one shabbes and Rabbi Bloom almost faints when he sees him - Nathan has never stepped foot inside a shul since his barmitzvah. At the end of the Service, Rabbi Bloom goes over to Nathan and says, "I’m very pleased to see you here today, what made you come?"
Nathan replies, "I'll be honest with you, rabbi. I lost my favourite hat about 3 months ago and I really miss it. A friend of mine told me that Kenneth Gold has a hat just like mine. My friend also told me that Gold comes to shul every shabbes, always takes off his hat before Service begins, leaves it in the cloakroom at the back of the shul and replaces it with his yarmulke. So I was going to leave after the Torah reading and steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom says, "Well Nathan, I notice that you didn't steal Gold’s hat after all. Whilst I’m very glad, please tell me why you changed your mind."
"Well rabbi," replies Nathan, "after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, "I suppose you decided against it after you heard me talking about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'?"
"Not exactly, rabbi," replies Nathan. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat."
(#1098) The gold spoon
As the catering staff are clearing up after Benjy’s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe, "But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? We’ll just have to keep quiet about it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi, I’ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons missing from Benjy’s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didn’t you ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjy’s tefillin bag. He obviously hasn’t opened it since his barmitzvah day."
(#1103) The funeral discussion
Friends and family were at Finchley cemetery for Moshe’s funeral. Just before the funeral service commenced, Rabbi Zeller goes over to Ruth, a very elderly widow, and asks, "So how old was Moshe?"
"He was 99, kin-a-hora," replies Ruth, "two years older than me."
"So you must be 97?" says Rabbi Zeller.
Ruth replies, "Yes, hardly worth going back home is it?"
(#491) The Rabbi’s visit
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
"Shalom, Sam. I’ll come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our shul needs your help. You’ve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that you’re always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I've come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund."
"How much are you looking to get from me - how big is little?" asks Sam.
"I’ll be honest. £10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the Rabbi."
Sam responds, "Rabbi, my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for £25,000 to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just starting at Manchester University and he wants £25,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for £30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking £35,000. So Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you."
(#494) Pesach problem
It is not generally known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach. All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none left to send you."
So, in desperation, the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish, he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days.
So, as it is said, “The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.”
(#495) The haircuts
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
(#508) The slow learner
Young Bernie Gold was nearly 12 years old and although he had a lower than average IQ, he was a dutiful and caring son. One day, he was having a chat with his father.
"Dad, it’s Father's Day on Sunday and I want to buy you something. Mum said I should ask you what you wanted."
Mr Gold only needed to think for a moment. "What do I want? I only want one thing - you are 12 months away from your barmitzvah and I would be so very happy if you could learn at last to speak Hebrew."
Bernie groaned aloud, "You know how hard I’m finding it at school to learn new subjects, Dad. I’m such a slow learner. I just don’t think I would be able to learn Hebrew."
Mr Gold looked squarely at his son and said, "Bernie, you’re better than you think you are. I’ll even help you, just as my father helped me. If you could do this for me, it would please me so very much!"
"OK, I'll try Dad, just for you, but please don’t be angry with me if I fail."
So next Sunday, they went to see the Rabbi and soon after that, Bernie was enrolled in the shul’s Hebrew classes. Over the months that followed, Bernie kept his promise by attending regularly and trying as hard as he could.
One day, Mr Gold decided to visit the shul and check on Bernie’s progress. He entered the class in the middle of a lesson and when it came to Bernie’s turn to read, Mr Gold was soon dismayed to discover how little Hebrew Bernie could manage after all the months that had gone by. Bernie was very slow and made many mistakes in his reading.
But even worse, Mr Gold realized that what he was hearing from Bernie was the beginning of the Kaddish. He was shocked – the Kaddish is the prayer for the dead, the words that every son is expected to say after the father's death.
"Rabbi, what on earth are you teaching my son?" argued Mr Gold after the lesson was over. "I'm only in my 40s - I’m a young man still in good health. I go jogging and Israeli dancing every week. Do I really look so ill that you are teaching Bernie to say the Kaddish now?"
The Rabbi replied, "Mr Gold, please God you should live so long that Bernie is able to say the whole of the Kaddish over you!"
(#511) First job
Rabbi Bloom had just accepted a junior role at a NW London synagogue for his first posting. The senior Rabbi there, Rabbi Gold, was well loved by his congregation and considered to be very wise with a wicked sense of humour.
One day, not long after he joined, Rabbi Bloom said to Rabbi Gold, "You know I told you during my interview that I had won many prizes in the Yeshiva for my sermons? Well, I don’t think there is a subject in the world that I could not instantly find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into a sermon." Rabbi Gold couldn’t help but decide to put him to the test.
"Rabbi Bloom," he said, "I want you to give my sermon next shabbes. But there will be no need to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you to find any kind of text that will fit." Rabbi Bloom thanked Rabbi Gold for the opportunity and said he looked forward to the challenge with relish.
The day came. Rabbi Bloom walked up the stairs to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at the sheet of paper on which was written "constipation", and started his sermon. "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
(#558) A miracle!
A group of Rabbis were having lunch in “Isaacs White House” kosher restaurant. Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for another table and he realised his mistake too late to do anything about it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.
As soon as the waiter came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"
"Nothing at all, Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy searching for the watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."
(#566) The three questions
Abe went to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I would be grateful if you could explain the Talmud to me."
"Very well, Abe," said the Rabbi, "First, I need to ask you a simple question."
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one," replied Abe.
"No, Abe. They look at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks he is dirty and washes."
"Now another question," said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
Abe smiled, "You just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty."
"No, Abe." said the Rabbi. "They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn't have to wash and the dirty man washes himself."
"Now one final question," said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean, which one washes himself?"
This time Abe frowned, "I don't know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of view."
"No Abe," said the Rabbi. "If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash."
Abe was now thoroughly confused, "Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?"
"No, Abe, I would never joke with you. This is Talmud."
(#570) It’s a steal (female version - see
The Yom Kippur service was coming to an end. In the ladies gallery, Esther, an elderly widow, just couldn’t take her eyes off the young, good looking chazzan who was blowing the shofar to signify the arrival of another new year, She had been obsessed with him for some time and believed she was in love with him.
When the service ended, the chazzan took off his tallit and turned round to talk to one of the congregation. This was her chance. Esther immediately grabbed his tallit and walked away with it – but the Rabbi had seen her. He went over to her and said, “Esther, why don’t you give back the tallit you just took?”
“What tallit?” said Esther.
“The one I just saw you take from our chazzan and hide under your dress, that’s what tallit,” answered the Rabbi.
Esther could deny it no longer. As she raised her dress to remove the tallit, which was tucked into her pantyhose, and because she was so nervous being caught out by the Rabbi, she couldn’t control herself and let out a loud flatulence.
The Rabbi responded, “And when you’ve removed the tallit, could you please also give back the shofar.”
(#574) It’s a steal (male version – see
Moishe went to shul regularly but one Sabbath forgot his tallit and had to borrow one from the "visitors’ spares". It was an expensive looking tallit and he was certainly not embarrassed to wear it. At the end of the service, he didn’t really want to hand back this excellent tallit and without thinking, stuffed it down his trousers.
As he was walking past the bimah on his way out, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Moishe, I saw you put the shul tallit down your trousers. I don’t want to know why you did this, but may I suggest you remove it from your trousers now and give it to me."
Moishe was so deeply embarrassed that as he was bending over trying to pull the tallit out of his trouser leg, where it had slipped, he accidentally let out a loud flatulence. The Rabbi, shocked, said, "Moishe, you took the shofar as well?"
(#1375) The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money. But tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man, "I’m the moneylender."
(#525) Gay service
One Sabbath, Joseph discovers a gay shul in Hendon. He's very excited. It is exactly what he had been looking for. There's a gay cantor and a gay Rabbi, and even the congregation is mostly gay. So with a happy heart, Joseph sits down and joins in the service.
Soon, however, he just can’t help noticing the handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard as he tries, he can’t stop himself – Joseph puts his hand on the young man's knee.
Immediately two large men rush over to Joseph, pick him up, quickly carry him out of the shul and forcibly throw him out into the street.
As he picks himself up, Joseph says, "Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this was a gay synagogue."
"It is," one of them replied in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."
(#527) The cow
One Sabbath afternoon, Jacob was in the Rabbi’s office and was looking out the window when he said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save it or should one let it drown?"
The Rabbi looked up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow."
"That's a shame," says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it’s drowning."
The Rabbi replies, "Yes, it's too bad."
Jacob continues, "Its head is now going under and it's certainly going to die. I feel sorry for the animal."
"Yes," said the Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"
"And I feel so sorry for you," Jacob said.
"Why me?" said the Rabbi looking up.
"It is your cow."
(#1406) Oh rabbi!
Ninety year old Abe dies and goes to heaven. The first person he sees there is his own rabbi, Rabbi Bloom, who had died a few months earlier. Abe was shocked to see the rabbi sitting in a heavenly chair with a very busty and tarty-looking blonde on his lap.
"Oh rabbi," cries Abe, "how could you? In all the time I knew you, you were always the most righteous of men. What has happened to you? Why are you acting in such a disgusting way? Is she your ….. reward?"
"My dear Abe," replies Rabbi Bloom, "you are unfortunately misreading the situation. She is not my reward, I am her punishment."
(#1407) The helpful tornado
Tornados in the UK are not that rare these days. One such tornado lifts off the roof of a house in Leeds very early one morning, picks up the bed on which Rabbi Gold and his wife Beckie are sleeping and sets them down gently in Manchester.
When Beckie starts to cry, the rabbi tries to comfort her. "Don't be scared, darling," he says, "we're not hurt."
But Beckie continues to cry. "I'm not crying because I’m scared," she says, "I'm crying because I’m happy - this is the first time in years we've been out
together somewhere other than the shul!"
(#337) The Rabbi and his friends - 1
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
(#338) The Rabbi and his friends - 2
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One shabbes morning, on the way home from his shul, he saw a very thick wad of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was shabbes, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still shabbes, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
(#339) The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
(#340) The Rabbi and his friend - 4
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
(#345) Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly, the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First of all, a chandelier, ... why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly, what we really need in the shul is more light!"
(#354) The sad wedding ceremony
Freda and Moishe were getting married at Edgware shul and all was going fine until the Rabbi discovered that Freda and Moishe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately made throughout the shul and finally, the chazzan found them sitting in the shul basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor and crying. The Rabbi approached Freda and said, "Why are you all crying on this most happy and important day of your lives?"
Freda looked up at the Rabbi and replied, "My parents are alive and Moishe’s parents are alive? Who are we going to name the baby after?"
(#360) The fast
One Yom Kippur during the break after shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have a drink of water. I'm so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies, "Don't you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"
Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just a small drink. I can't take it anymore!"
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man, and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright." He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry who is now crazy with thirst. "Please, please! I've got to have a real drink or I’ll die!" he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water. Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief, looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, "Thank you Rabbi, I'll never eat a schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!"
(#1277) Almost converted
Christine and Daniel fall in love and decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish. So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice.
Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of crockery and a few other simple things."
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says Christine, "I can easily do that."
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva."
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?"
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?"
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."
(#1282) At the races
Jacob goes to the races for the first time. As soon as he arrives at Ascot, not knowing anything about horse racing, he goes straight to the paddock to take a closer look. To his surprise, Jacob sees a rabbi blessing one of the horses. Jacob thinks he must be onto a good thing so he writes down the number of the horse and places a £3 bet on it. The horse wins and Jacob wins £21.
Jacob immediately returns to the paddock and there, as before, he sees the rabbi blessing another horse. He writes down the number of this horse and bets his £21 winnings on it. It comes in first and Jacob now has over £100.
This process goes on race after race until Jacob has won £4,650.
It’s now time for the last race of the day and Jacob watches the rabbi bless the final horse. So confident is Jacob that, although the horse is a 20-1 outsider, he bets his entire £4,650 on it. But, Oy Veh, this time the horse struggles in last, a good 20 lengths behind the field.
Jacob is so upset with this outcome that he runs over to the rabbi and says angrily, "Why did every horse you bless win except the last one, rabbi? He came in last."
The rabbi replies, "That's the problem with you Reform Jews. You don't know the difference between a brocheh and a kaddish."
(#1291) The bris
The bris is over. Baby Sam has been circumcised and the rabbi, family and friends have all left the house. Moshe and Sadie are quietly sitting in their lounge when their 4 year old son Benny comes crying into the room. Sadie asks him what is wrong.
Benny sobs, "In his speech, Rabbi Bloom said he wants us brought up in a Jewish home - and I want to stay with you guys!"
(#1079) Career mapping
Abe and his young son Sam are in shul one shabbes morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbes anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."
(#1093) Progressive discussion
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were ‘progressive’ reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by their shuls. Rabbi Levy said, "we’re very modern – we allow mobile phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all over the shul."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," we’ve installed a snack bar at the back of the shul for those who feel hungry or thirsty during services – we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes and new green cucumbers."
"That’s nothing to what we do, my friends," said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our shul for the Jewish holidays."
(#76) Three wishes
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a shul president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."
(#77) The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
(#79) The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."
(#82) The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.
(#89) A matter of life and death
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."
(#96) A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the chazzan to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a shul."
"It’s really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulka, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
(#781) The brave Rabbi
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, “That was very brave of you. Are you a vet?”
Rabbi Bloom replied, “Of course I’m a vet? I’m a freezing cold as vell.”
(#786) The threesome
A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi are playing a round of golf but are having to play very slowly because there is a foursome ahead of them. At long last they complete their round and each of them tramps back to the clubhouse to complain to the golf pro.
The pro tells the priest, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The priest replies, "That's very inspiring. I'm so impressed that I’m going to collect some money for them by organizing a blind golfer's tournament."
The pro then tells the minister, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The minister replies, "That's so uplifting that I'm going to use them as my theme for next Sunday's sermon."
The pro then tells the Rabbi, "They're blind - that’s why they were slow."
The Rabbi replies, "If that’s so, then why can't they play in the dark?"
(#1552) The board meeting
Rabbi Levy finishes yet another of his long, dry and somewhat boring sermons. This time, however, before he sits down, he announces to his congregation that he wishes to meet with the shul's Board of Representatives immediately after the service.
The first man to arrive and greet Rabbi Levy is a total stranger to him. "Thanks for coming," says the rabbi, "but you must have misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the Board."
"Yes I know," says the man, "but if there’s anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to shake his hand."
(#1554) STOP PRESS: FROM REUTERS
It’s true. Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the Israeli town of Safed, composed this prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn web sites on the Internet. Eliahu composed the prayer in response to numerous queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.
"Please God, help me cleanse my computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work..., so that I shall be able to cleanse myself of sin."
The rabbi recommended that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet (or program the prayer to flash up on their computer screens) so that they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.
(#1666) The Rabbi sends an email
Rabbi Brewster was delighted to be asked to an international conference of religious leaders, especially when he heard it was to be held in Rotorua, New Zealand, an area famous for its volcanic and thermal features like boiling mud pools and natural hot springs. As he and his wife had not had a holiday for some time, they decided that she would join him after the conference.
The morning after he arrived, the Rabbi decided to send his wife an email, but unfortunately sent it to the wrong email address, that of the recent widow of a colleague....
My dear, darling wife (it read)
When I got down here, I was pleased to find that we were all given the use of a computer, so I'll be able to email you every day and tell you everything that's going on. It certainly seems odd to think that you're walking round over my head in the winter cold. The heat here is amazing.
I miss you very much, but I've been meeting some really interesting people, rabbis, priests and clergymen from every denomination you can think of. I've even met some old friends like Morris Simmonds, and David Goldstein who send their regards.
After the English winter, it seems very hot down here, and the sulphur smell is very strong. I was talking to an Anglican Archdeacon who's been here for some years and he tells me that there are cold days, and after a while you don't notice the smell.
I miss you terribly, my darling, and as I can't come back to you, I can't wait until you come down here to be with me and we will never be parted again. I am so glad to think that it won't be long before we are together again forever.
Your ever loving husband
(#1636) The good wishes
Rabbi Gold is taken ill and is admitted to Bushey Hospital for treatment. A few days after his admittance, Max, the shul’s secretary, goes to visit him. "Rabbi," says Max, "I’m here on behalf of our Board of Trustees. They have asked me to bring you their good wishes for a speedy recovery and their hope that you should live to be 110."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Gold, "I’m pleased to hear of their good wishes for me."
"And so you should be, Rabbi," says Max, "it was touch and go for a while but the final vote on whether we should send you any good wishes ended up 11 to 9 in your favour."
(#735) The special banquet
A very distinguished orthodox rabbi dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he’s greeted by an angel.
The angel says, “You’ll be pleased to hear that in honour of your arrival, a special banquet has been prepared. You will be served only the finest meats, fish and pastries.”
“Who prepared the banquet?” the rabbi asks.
“Why, none other than Moshe Rabeinu,” answers the angel.
”And who is the mashgiach?” the rabbi asks.
“Why God himself,” replies the angel.
“Thank you very much,” says the Rabbi, “but I’ll just have the fruit plate, if you don’t mind.”
(#589) Holiday of a lifetime
A north London congregation decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New York.
When Rabbi Bloom arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, "Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
On hearing this, the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
(#593) The deal
Issy and Howard were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the shul one hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
(#951) Who has enemies?
One shabbes morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, “Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies.“
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question. This time about 80% raise their hand. But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, “Mrs Levy, aren't you willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any enemies,” she replies.
“That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?”
“I'm 98, Rabbi.”
“Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world.”
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, “I outlived the momzers, that’s how.”
(#953) The soldiers
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule," "donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The Rabbi looks at the animal and says, "It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according to the bible."
(#701) The funeral ceremony
Moishe meets Arnold at their social club and asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.
"It went OK, Moishe," replied Arnold, "but at the end of the Rabbi’s eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from laughing aloud."
"Why was that?" asks Moishe.
"Well," says Arnold, "throughout his marriage to Miriam, she was always telling me what a mean man he was. He never had a steady job and the money he brought home to her wasn't enough for food and clothing, let alone holidays. Yet he drank heavily and often stayed out all night gambling. Altogether, a good husband he was not. But at the funeral, the Rabbi spoke of how wonderful the deceased was - so considerate, so beloved, so thoughtful to others. Then, when the Rabbi had finished, I heard Miriam say to one of her children, "Do me a favour, David, go see whether it’s your father in the coffin."
(#850) Bread problems
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before shabbes and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
(#854) The call-up
Rabbi Bloom ran a Talmud class at Yeshiva. He was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up from his books. Often, when he called up a student for translation and explanation, without realizing it, he chose the same student day after day. But out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
Hymie had already been called up on three consecutive days when the Rabbi once again said "Hymie Himmelfarb, come up here and translate and explain."
Hymie replied, "Himmelfarb is absent today, Rabbi."
"OK," said the Rabbi, "why don’t you come up here and translate and explain instead."
(#101) Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said, "Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny. "I make men's clothes."
(#600) The visitor
Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron.
"Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Caron, the French maid."
"Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat."
He looked Sadie over and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife. I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m gone, you're going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"
(#890) How did you do that?
Moishe the farmer had made out a Will that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though this was fair.
Some years later he died and his sons knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.
After much thought, the Rabbi went away and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows. There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home with him.
(#1482) The children’s weekly Talmud
Rabbi Levy arrives at his shul’s weekly children’s service. This is when he gathers all the little children around him and gives them a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them. He never misses an opportunity to give them a suitable message.
On this particular shabbes, he decides to use squirrels for an object lesson on teaching them the need for industry and preparation. So he starts out by saying to the children, "I'm now going to describe something to you and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."
The children nod eagerly.
"This thing runs around in trees (pause)… and eats nuts (pause)..."
No hands go up.
"And it’s grey or brown (pause)… and it has a bushy tail (pause)…"
The children look at each other, but still no hands are raised.
"And it takes big jumps from one branch to another (pause)… and it chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)…"
Finally, little Sam tentatively raises his hand. Rabbi Levy breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Good, Sam, so what do you think it is?"
"Well, rabbi," says little Sam, "I know the answer must be Moses … but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!"
(#1653) The trouble with phobias
Simon has a problem. In fact he’s had a problem for so long that it’s beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I'm going meshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Don’t worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months and I’ll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
“My charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "I’m going to have to think about it and let you know. I can’t easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went on a week’s holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. It’s now so low that nobody can possible get under it."
(#1307) The rabbi’s sermons
The shabbes service finishes and the congregation is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a good sermon today - you should have it published."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just between you and me, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"That’s good news," says Mordechai, "and the sooner the better."
(#1192) The rabbi and the bear
Rabbi Bloom from London is visiting two friends in America. One is a priest and the other a Pentecostal preacher. As soon as they meet up, they start to talk shop. Their discussion centres on whether preaching to people is really that hard. They quickly agree that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear and they decide to experiment. Each would go into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Carroll, who has his arm in a sling and is on crutches, speaks first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods, found a bear and began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Unfortunately, the bear wanted nothing to do with me and begun to slap me about. I quickly grabbed my holy water and, the saints be praised, he became very subdued. My bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He is in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle – we dunk. I found a bear and began to read to him from God's Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. Up and down the hills we wrestled until we come to a creek where I quickly dunked and baptised him. He immediately became very subdued and we spent three days in fellowship, praising God's Holy word."
They both then look down at Rabbi Bloom who is lying in a hospital bed, is wearing a full body cast, is in traction and has IVs and monitors running in and out of his torn body. Rabbi Bloom looks up at his two friends and says, "When I found a bear, I found preaching to him very easy. But Oy Vay, did he get touchy about the circumcision!"
(#6) Kol Nidre night.
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
(#9) The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
(#20) The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
(#30) Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl"
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that," said the Rabbi.
(#31) Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform shul and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000, but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
(#1584) Yeshurun (the straight one)
Dear Rabbi Levy,
Is it permissible to take Viagra on shabbes?
My dear Moshe,
There are 2 differing thoughts on this. One is that it’s disallowed because it violates the law that forbids erecting a structure (boneh) on shabbes. However, I believe that one should read "boneh" as "boner" and thus it’s permitted to ingest Viagra on shabbes.
Looking at it another way, the taking of Viagra is permitted before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than a half hour to complete, the children are asleep and your wife doesn't have a headache.
Kabbalat Shabbat: an early evening service welcoming shabbes
(#279) That’s entertainment
Sharon had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Jewish woman.”
“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”
(#284) A quickie
It won’t be long now”, said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.
(#1469) The trip to Israel - 1
Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.
Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
(#1434) A question for the rabbi
Rabbi, am I permitted to ride in an airplane on shabbes as long as my seat belt remains fastened? Surely it can then be considered as if I’m wearing the plane?
(#1372) Why I love children
Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it's the rabbi," shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
(#1013) The shabbes dress
Edgware shul was running its usual popular children’s shabbes service when it was time for the Rabbi to give them a short sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. Little Emma was wearing a really pretty dress and as she sat down, the Rabbi leaned forward and said, "That’s a very pretty dress, Emma. Is it your shabbes dress?"
Emma replied, "Yes, and my Mummy says it's a bitch to iron."
(#218) The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.
(#256) Questions and Answers
Q: Did you hear about the enterprising rabbi who's offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
(#1274) Duplication not required
Rebecca’s husband has died and the funeral is almost over. Rabbi Bloom goes up to her and says, "I don't think you'll ever find another man like your late husband Morris."
Rebecca replies, "So who's looking for one?"
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#155) The Rabbi's
It’s bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that’s disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem. Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing.
So next shabbes, during the rabbi’s sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul. At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said for cough’."
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor to a shul. The auditor is doing every type of check and is driving everyone potty with his questions. Soon it’s the Rabbi’s turn. The auditor says to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asks.
"A good question," says the Rabbi. "We actually save the drippings. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every so often they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about the boxes of matzo you purchase? What do you do with the matzo crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect all the matzo crumbs. When we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," replied the Rabbi. "We actually save all the foreskins and when we have enough, we send them to The Inland Revenue."
"To the Inland Revenue?" asked the auditor in disbelief.
"Oh yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue - and once a year they send us a putz like you."
(XXX#57) The request
As his wife was expecting their first baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the shul committee and asked for a salary increase. After much consideration, they passed a resolution that when the Rabbi’s family expanded again, so would his payslip.
6 children later, it began to get expensive for the shul and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting.
Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so he got up and said, “Having children is an act of God.”
The chairman replied, “Snow and storms are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.”
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed, all wanted to join a shul in Hendon. The Rabbi said to them, "We have special requirements for new members. To be accepted, you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed to the terms and came back at the end of the two weeks.
The Rabbi turned to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Rabbi."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the shul!" said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then asked the middle-aged couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The man replied, "Well, the first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights; but yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the shul!" said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then turned to the newlywed couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Rabbi, we weren't able to go without sex for the entire two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the Rabbi.
"Well, six days into the two weeks, my wife was reaching for a book from the top shelf and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was suddenly overcome with lust and I took advantage of her right there and then."
"You do understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our shul," stated the Rabbi.
"We know that Rabbi," said the young man, grimly. "We're no longer welcome at the Hendon library either."
(XXX#63) The Rabbi's
A Rabbi dies. After some time has passed, his congregation decide that his wife Sarah should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is Moishe the butcher. Although very reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.
On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, just after she had taken a bath, Moishe tells Sarah, "My mother always said that before the start of shabbes, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to the shul." They do it.
When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, "According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul." They do it again.
Later that night, when it was time to go to sleep, Moishe tells Sarah, "My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on shabbes night." So they do. Finally, they go to sleep.
As soon as they awake the next morning, Moishe tells Sarah, "My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the shabbes day by making love. So let’s do it." And once again they do.
Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a friend who asks her, "Nu, Sarah, so how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!"
(XXX#71) The raffle
There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce."
Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a cheque for £10,000."
Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!"
Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a cheque for £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by the Rabbi's wife"
"F**k the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply.
Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
(XXX#6) The brothel
The madam of a brothel answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--"
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary money and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."
(XXX#10) The sinner
Rabbi Goldberg stood before the Recording Angel, who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Rabbi Goldberg, can it be? Your record shows nothing but mitzvahs! Tell me, in your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?”
“Mr Angel,” replied the Rabbi, “I tried to live like a God fearing Jew.”
“But in a whole lifetime, not one - single - sin?”
“No, I’m s-sorry.”
“Well I can’t let you into heaven, Rabbi Goldberg! You already are an angel. I am going to have to send you back to earth for 24 hours and if you want to get into heaven, you’ll appear back here with at least one sin on your record. Goodbye.”
Poor Rabbi Goldberg was scooped back to earth. He wandered about, desolate, seeking to stray from virtue, not knowing how. The hours passed and the Rabbi grew uneasy.
Only 12 hours now remained. “Oh, God, blessed be your name, help me. Help me to sin. Just once!”
And then a woman signalled to him from a doorway. His prayers had been answered. How swiftly Rabbi Goldberg responded. The voluptuous woman led him to her room …. and to her bed.
Hours later, the Rabbi awoke. “What time is it?”
“Half past six.”
The Rabbi smiled. “At seven o’clock, someone is picking me up.”
He started to dress, chuckling.
But the chuckles froze when, from her bed, he heard the woman sigh, “I’m over 40 year’s old and I was a virgin - Oh, mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night!”
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That could lead to dancing!"
(XXX#22) The conversation
Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz, the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
(XXX#38) A war story
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. She was very skinny, and when she sat down, she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."
(XXX#135) The inexperienced
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However, they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do, Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little forgetful."
(XXX#91) The white
Nathan is 75 years old and has just married Rose, a 35 year old. They are very much in love, but no matter what Nathan does sexually, Rose can’t achieve an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi for some advice.
When Rabbi Bloom hears their story, he says, "Here’s what you can do. Hire a handsome young man and during your lovemaking, get him to wave a white towel over you both. That will help Rose let her imagination run wild and should bring on an orgasm."
Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi Bloom's suggestion. They hire a handsome young man and next time they are making love, he waves a white towel over them as instructed. But it doesn't help Rose - she is still left unsatisfied.
So back to Rabbi Bloom they go.
Rabbi Bloom looks at Nathan and says, "OK. Let's try it another way round. Get your young man to make love to Rose and you wave the white towel over them."
Once again, Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi Bloom's advice. That night, as soon as the young man gets into bed with Rose, Nathan starts waving the white towel. The young man ‘works’ with great enthusiasm and soon Rose has an enormous, earth shattering orgasm.
Nathan smiles, looks at the young man and says to him smugly, "See - that’s how to wave a towel."
80 year old Rebecca, who has never married, lives in Golders Green and is much admired by the community there for her kindness and her tsodoka. One spring afternoon, Rabbi Levy calls on her. She welcomes him into her house and invites him to sit down while she makes for him ‘a nice glass tea.’
As he is waiting, Rabbi Levy notices a Hammond organ against the wall. On the organ is a cut glass vase filled with water and he’s shocked to see a condom floating in the water. "Oy veh," he says quietly, "she’s gone meshugga."
Rebecca returns with tea and buttered matzo and they begin to chat. Although Rabbi Levy tries hard not to mention the vase and its content, he just can’t avoid raising the subject. "Rebecca," he says, pointing to the vase, "Vos is dos?"
"That’s my miracle," she replies. "I was walking down Hendon Road last November when I found a little packet on the ground. When I opened it, the instructions said it would prevent disease if put on the organ and kept wet. And guess what, Rabbi? I haven't had a cold all winter."
vos is dos?: What is this; what’s with this?
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