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(#981) The new golf course
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy. "Becky, he shouts, "Iím feeling terrible, Iím sore all over, what should I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news for you. Youíre very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like to be buried with his golf clubs. If thereís a golf course in heaven, he would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi, is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "Iíll speak to God for you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi, have you any news?Ē
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and you can play golf to your heartís content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news, Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning 8 o'clock - you tee off."
Gary is so naïve that he thinks Masters & Johnson is a golf tournament.
(#241) Mrs Goldsteinís golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "Iím sorry but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "Thatís OK Ė Iím happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.Ē The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "Itís not a problem, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." Mrs Goldstein said, "Itís not a problem, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
(#243) An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through his wife Suzieís bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000 in cash. He just didnít know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie with this evidence. ďYou donít even play golf!Ē
ďI know dear.Ē Suzie said. ďWeíve had some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer to remind me of my error.Ē
ďI see,Ē replied Jack. ďThat explains the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?Ē
ďOh,Ē beamed Suzie, ďevery time I collected a dozen golf balls, I sold them.Ē
(#450) The confessions
The night before their wedding, Alf and Bette were sharing confidences.
Alf said, ďYou must know something before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf. Golf is my whole life. After we are married, Iíll try for some balance but I doubt whether Iíll succeed. Just understand - youíre marrying a golf addict.Ē
ďI can live with that,Ē said Bette, ďnow Iíll tell you my secret - Iím a hooker.Ē
ďA hooker?Ē Alf repeated, ďI can live with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then swing through the ball....Ē
(#1345) The after-life
Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Moshe dies and true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca Ö. Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back, just as we agreed."
"So what's it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, itís like this," replies Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, itís the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."
"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I'm a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."
(#1351) Conversation in a restaurant
"What would you do if I suddenly died, Maurice?" says Sadie, "Would you marry again?"
"No, Sadie, definitely not," replies Maurice.
"Why ever not?" says Sadie. "Don't you like being married?"
"You know I do," replies Maurice.
"Then why do you say you wouldn't get married again?" asks Sadie.
"OK, Sadie, I was wrong," replies Maurice, trying to end the conversation, "Yes, I would get married again."
Sadie then puts on a sad look and continues his Ďinterrogationí. "You really would re-marry?"
Maurice doesnít answer this but just groans very quietly.
"So would you live with her in Ö our house?" asks Sadie.
"Why not?" replies Maurice, beginning to enjoy himself, "itís paid for, thereís no outstanding mortgage."
"And would you take my photos out of our silver frames and replace them with her photos?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, why not," replies Maurice, "that would seem like the correct thing to do."
"And would you sleep with her in our marital bed, where we conceived our children?" asks Sadie.
"So where else do you think we would sleep?" replies Maurice.
"And would she use my golf clubs?" asks Sadie.
"Oh no," replies Maurice, "she's left-handed."
Silence fills the air, then Ö"Oh, sh*t," says Maurice.
(#1323) The head strike
Moshe and his friend Issy were half way through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes Moshe on the back of his head. "Ouch." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise. But Moshe is having none of it.
"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe. "If I had my way, Iíd ban you from every North London golf club. Do you see what youíve done to me? My head is bleeding. Iím going to call my solicitor as soon as I get to the clubhouse. Iíll sue you for £5,000."
"But Ö but," says Hymie, "didnít you hear me? I shouted FORE."
"OK," says Moshe, "Iíll take it."
(#1171) Par for the course
The police are called to Avrahomís house in Hampstead Garden Suburb - the neighbours have heard some screaming. When the police arrive, they find Avrahomís wife Sadie standing over Avrahomís lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping blood.
A police constable asks Sadie, "Is that your husband, madam?"
"Yes it is," replies Sadie.
"And did you hit him with that golf club youíre holding, madam?"
"Certainly," replies Sadie. She then drops the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. "We only just got back from playing at a golf tournament," she sobs.
"How many times did you hit your husband, madam?" asks the constable.
"I don't know," replies Sadie. "Six, seven, maybe even eight times Ė but just put me down for a six."
(#1303) Prevention policy
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."
Nathan is initially shocked. But then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.
"Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer. So I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks."
4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, weíre drinking to my impending death. Iíve been diagnosed with AIDS."
His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me youíre dying of cancer yet you tell your friends youíre dying of AIDS. I donít understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mum after Iím gone."
(#1313) The stupid golfer
Hymie is an avid golfer (if truth be known, he's a golf fanatic). Every Sunday morning he gets up at 6am because he has an early tee time. He then plays golf all day long.
One Sunday morning, Hymie gets up early as usual, dresses quietly so as not to disturb his Leah, gets his clubs out of the study and goes to his car. But itís raining torrentially, there is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. So he goes back into the house, finds the weather channel on the internet and discovers that it's going to be terrible weather all day long.
He then puts his clubs back into the study, quietly undresses, slips back into bed, cuddles up to Leahís back and whispers, "The weatherís terrible."
Without moving, Leah replies, "And can you believe that my idiot of a husband Hymie is out golfing in it?"
(#1081) A round excuse
Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -
ĎDr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.í
(#813) The mobile phone
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," says Sidney.
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you at the club?"
"Yes," replies Sidney.
"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she says, "and Iíve found a beautiful leather coat. It's £450. Can I buy it?"
"OK," says Sidney, "go ahead and buy it if you like it that much."
"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw one that I really liked."
"How much was it?" asks Sidney.
"£37,000," she replies.
"For that price," says Sidney, "I want it with all the options."
"Great," she says, "just one more thing. That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking £750,000 for it now."
Sidney says, "Well then, go ahead and buy it, but donít offer more than £720,000."
"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I love you."
"Bye, I love you too." says Sidney and then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, "Does anyone know who this mobile phone belongs to?"
(#1437) Where have you been?
Although married, Moshe is infatuated with Mary, his secretary. So one lunchtime, he takes a chance and says to her, "Letís go back to your place."
To Mosheís surprise, Mary smiles and says, "What a good idea, Moshe. Yes, Iíd love to."
They get to her house and make mad passionate love all afternoon. Then, totally exhausted, they fall asleep and donít wake up until 7pm.
"Oh no," shouts Moshe, jumping out of her bed, "just look at the time."
As heís getting dressed, Moshe tells Mary to take his shoes into the garden and rub them thoroughly into the wet mud and grass. She does what sheís told even though she doesnít know why. Moshe finishes dressing, puts on his shoes and drives home.
As soon as he opens his front door, thereís his wife Rifka waiting for him. "So, where have you been?" demands Rifka, angrily.
"Darling, I can't lie to you," replies Moshe. "I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been making love all afternoon. Then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7 oíclock."
Rifka takes one look at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard. You've been playing golf again."
(#1527) Thatís the way to do it
After 15 years of marriage, itís got to the stage where Victor and Rivkah have no choice but to book an appointment to see Levy, the well known marriage guidance counsellor. When they arrive, Levy asks them to explain their problem. Rivkah immediately launches into a seemingly never-ending tirade, going on and on about Victorís selfishness, his lying, his bullying, his controlling, his spending money on worthless goods, his never saying anything nice about her, their arguments, his lack of love for herÖÖ.but Levy has heard enough, already. He gets up, goes over to Rivkah, pulls her from her chair, embraces her and kisses her passionately on the lips. That stops her in her tracks. Levy then rips off her clothes and makes love to her on his desk. When itís over, Rivkah sits back down in her chair with a dazed, but very satisfied look on her face.
Levy turns to Victor and says, "You see? Thatís what your wife needs, and she needs it at least three times a week. Do you think you can do that?"
Victor thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I can certainly get her here on Monday and Thursday, doctor, but on Friday I play golf."
(#634) The voyeurs
Becky, Rifka and Estelle are passing by the half open door to the men's changing rooms at the local golf club when they canít help noticing a man with his face obscured by the towel he is using to dry his hair. However, they do get quite a good view of his nakedness from his waist down.
Later, Becky says, "Well, I didn't see his face, but he's certainly not my husband!"
Rifka says, "And he isn't mine, either!"
Estelle says, "Hell, he isn't even a member of the club!"
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